Multiple Personalities [Clusters of Thoughts]

[Gianna]

I decided I am going to keep a journal of each of the "personalities" within me. I am doing this to keep track of the needs, desires, fears, and level of consciousness of each so I can release them. I will release each cluster of thought patterns until I eradicate myself back to nothingness. Leaving myself everything. 

11:
This dominating part of me doesn't want to be responsible for anything. The part of me just wants to go from experience to experience, worry-free and unattached. This part wants to be completely detached from everything and everyone. The only thing this part wants anything to do with is nothing. Nothing but whatever comes up and then leaves. No attachments. Not to anything, not to anyone. Not even to itself. This part just wants constant change, growth, realization, and then new ones. This part doesn't even want to be a part. It just wants to live.
 
22: 
This part has seen past the nonsense, the chaos. This part recognizes patterns and wants to 'level up' out of these patterns so as to create positive change. This part of me agrees with 11 in wanting new and better experiences. But how can you level up your experience if you are mindlessly engaging in the same behavioral patterns/loops/cycles? 22 wants creation. 

Crow: 
This part represents change and transformation. So, like 11, this part wants change and doesn't want to be committed to anything. Except, it does want to be committed to itself. That is what makes this part different from 11. 11's non-attachment goes so deep it doesn't even want to be attached to itself. But Crow wants to track progress. And in order to track anything, it needs to develop a solid and separate sense of self. Crow wants individuality. Because of this, it cares about where it perceives itself in life and outside of life. It considers all angles. 

 

Cleopatra:
This part is dangerous. It's a dominating aspect that does not consider what's outside of her desires– probably because she doesn't recognize it. This part scares the other parts because it is untamed, ruthless, thoughtless, and action-based. She comes off as a dictator but doesn't mean to be that way even though she is. She is not evil she is unconscious. If you get close to this part, she will sexually blind you, distort your reality, and fulfill your needs unless they interfere with her own. She will do this naturally as she sexually blinds and distorts herself, fulfilling all of her own needs. She's addicted to the sense of oneness but is trapped in her separation. She's controlling. 


Eva:
This part is Cleopatra's opposite. She doesn't want to control she wants to be controlled. The idea of being controlled releases stress for Eva. She actually interprets it as love. It's sick and fucked up and she causes a lot of tension for 11 and Crow who despise controlling environments. Things being handled and done for Eva is something she dreams about. She has a deep-seated belief that she has to do everything herself in life. Unlike the other parts, she does not get off on this belief. She gets off on the idea of someone completely taking over and controlling her. Completely surrendering to life and letting go of everything including herself. She doesn't care what happens to her, she fancies it. She doesn't believe anything comes easily in life. She doesn't believe in other people. She is suffering; she is in a constant state of pain. She's a child. She deserves her needs to be met but cannot meet them on her own. 
 

Edited July 30, 2021 by Gianna

[Gianna]

Relationship 

11:
"Being with someone is the last thing that I want and especially the last thing I need. What I need is to be alone and separate for as long as I can. I mean jeez, I am only 24. I do not need to be united with anyone, tied with anything. I have an entire blank life ahead of me. Filled with untapped potential across the world. The people, place, experiences, I can meet with... what more can you want out of life? 

Remember: as long as you don't choose, everything remains possible.

Crow: 
"The only person I need to be concerned with getting closer to, more intimate with, or a deeper understanding of is myself. No one else is more important than this. No other 'thing' is more important than this either. Whatever I want to do and wherever I want to go, I need to give it to myself. I need to give myself all of my desires so I can deeply learn, see, feel, and understand myself. You can't do this if you are tied to and considering someone else, which you will be. You don't know how to consider yourself when other people are around. You know this. How will this serve you? You will create evil in the world just like everyone else if you get sucked into the social matrix. I can't believe you are even considering getting involved with anyone else. Put me first. Understand me. Be with me. Forget anything else. It's unproductive. Learning from me and living from and out of me entirely is what is going to bring development." 

22: 
"Hm. I feel like I've had a tremendous amount of growth in recent years. I am seeing some patterns, some coping mechanisms. I read once that if you experience trauma in relationships then it is in relationships that you will find healing. Maybe I am ready to step into this territory, into this part of the journey. Maybe letting myself go entirely into a relationship is the best thing I can do for myself. Maybe this uncharted territory is where I can experience the most growth. 


Cleopatra: 
"Don't fool yourself. Who you are will always be at your core. Don't you love exploring people's desires? Seduction is a gift, are you sure you have found everything that you are wanting? It's okay. You will. "


Eva: 
Fuck everyone in this hell hole. 

Edited July 30, 2021 by Gianna

[Gianna]

Sex 

Cleopatra: 
"Have as much sex as you want, as often as you can, and with whoever you feel is safe. Life is short. Sex is a beautiful experience. What's so wrong? Why limit yourself? There's so much to discover. You are here to live, not to fear living" 

Eva: 
I'm living in constant terror. It doesn't matter if I want to have sex or not, you're just going to do it anyway. You're not going to listen to me, consider me. I am so deep in the dark you don't even notice me. You only recently discovered that I exist. Don't pretend like you care about me. I have never been seen, heard, felt, or experienced. It's not even about sex and whether or not I am okay with it. It's about being ostracized for not aligning with dominant wants/needs. 

[Raptorsin7]

Have you heard of IFS therapy? I think it's based on integrating the multiple sub parts. Makes sense in the context of non duality too because theres always the awareness that's aware of each of the parts.

I defintely have a lot of inner sub part conflict but I'm not sure how to reconcile them all yet 

[Gianna]

On 7/30/2021 at 5:59 PM, Raptorsin7 said:

theres always the awareness that's aware of each of the parts

I love this quote. And I am not sure how to reconcile them either– per the thread! Lol! But Teal Swan helps with integrating parts through parts work. It may be cool for you to check out on youtube! 

[Gianna]

Routines  

Yesterday, I had a sudden realization on routines– something I have been struggling to create and maintain for a few years. Also something I feel like I internally battle with; is it good? Bad? Mundane? All of my parts feel differently about it.

 

• How do my different parts feel about setting routines? 

11: Routines are rigid. How is anything magical or beautiful going to happen if you are stuck to such a rigid, boring, predictable, and controlling routine? 

22: 

Crow: You can't grow, transform, or develop in any way if you can't stick to anything Gianna. 

Eva [Inner Child]: That's not really true because Gianna's had a lot of growth without routines... Whatever makes her happy  

Cleopatra: Routines are good sometimes, other times, it's time to get wild. Never stick to anything for long!!! What kind of life would that be anyway? So boring. You need spontaneity. The world is chaotic so be one with it. You need to be able to shift everything on a dime in order to stay in the flow. 
 

• What was my sudden realization? 

My realization yesterday happened when I was walking down the beach. I was watching some surfers in Dana Point around 7-8 PM. I thought, "How cool would it be to surf the waves during the beautiful sunset? How peaceful is it to float in the ocean in the evening? How exhilarating is it to swim in the ocean at night?" It would probably be really scary which is most likely why I don't do it. But I was thinking about how these surfers are out there every day. I am sure most of them have a routine where they go out and surf at sunset every night– why not? They love it. And most are kids so after school and dinner, what else is there to worry about but surfing?

It got me to think about my ongoing problem of not being able to stick to any daily routine. For years of my life, I've tried settling into a routine either by going to a certain place every day [starbucks to work; the park to do yoga; etc.] or doing the same behavior at the same times every day [morning routine; journal routine; etc. 

I set good habits– like meditating, exercising, etc. But why can't anything with me be ongoing? 
I accomplish goals– like 28 days of affirmations; maintaining a certain weight. But why can't I engage in a daily routine? 

Anyway, back to the realization. I realized as I was watching the surfers that sticking to a routine sets a point of attraction.  
I was looking at the kid surfers thinking about how blessed they are to grow up in such a beautiful area. I thought, "It is probably so normal to them they don't even realize it. They are probably so used to it, that's it's average to them." And that's when I thought, hm. Because this environment is so typical for them, they will probably attract more of this kind of environment. How lucky! And that's why my mind connected routine-building and the law of attraction. Will my behavior change? All parts were on par with this. We'll see!