Life after jail

[Preety_India]

How my life is after jail ?

Or how my life is going to be ?

[Preety_India]

So I was daydreaming that I was in jail. 

I was sent to jail for flirting with a guy. Imagine that ? 

 

How can society be so cruel ?

 

[Preety_India]

So this is serious daydreaming.

I really saw myself in jail. 

All those bars. I was holding firmly.

My hands red from hurting.

My delicate fingers clutching the bars hoping for an escape.

Is this heaven or is this hell?

 

Is this my life forever ?

He came to visit me. A guy I flirted with.

Then he left. He was only allowed 2 minutes of time.

Life can be so cruel.

Society can be cruel.

What was I doing in jail ?

 

 

 

Will I embrace this life as the best life ?

 

What will happen of me ?

Or will I be safe ?

Maybe I'll be protected this way from all the bad things.

There's a kind nurse in jail. Sister Margarita. 

She occasionally comes and checks on me. 

And an old guy called Uncle Logan. He is quite old. Tougher in build, tall, strong. 

He is always guiding me about little things. I respect him.

 

 

[Preety_India]

Sometimes I thought this was the best life. Locked away from the world.

Allowed to suffer alone.

Nobody to hurt me anymore.

 

What could go wrong ?

 

We had breakfast, dinner and lunch.

I ate boiled carrots and some beans for breakfast.

 

There are Catholic nuns who do a lot of the kitchen work.

They also take me to reading. They are so kind.

 

If I had only found a man to live the rest of my life, I wouldn't need to be here.

 

 

[Preety_India]

I have decided I'll go on a hiatus. In this jail. I won't talk to anyone. Because it hurts everytime I do. I'm treated like an outcast.

 

Being in jail is better than being treated like an outcast. What do you know about me? What do you know about my heart ? Deep down I'm so lonely and nobody cares.

 

I better be in prison than live in society.

I told Joseph, my ex American boyfriend that I wanted to go to jail, it would be so good.

He told me that it's the worst life ever in jail.

 

 

How can any life be worse than what I'm living already ?

I don't think jail life is bad.

It is good. At least I'm safe from this terrible society. 

 

All these social rules and norms. All pathetic. It hurts. I'm not allowed to be a human.

 

Hear me or kill me.. I feel suffocated in this life where there is no love..

I can't even die because even dying is difficult.

Nobody understands my pain. Everyone just laughs or ignores.

 

Live my lonely terrible life and you would understand that hell is better than this existence. 

 

Only if I had someone with me. Someone to hug me, hold me, kiss me.. 

Someone to love me.... 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Maybe me wanting to go to jail was my subconscious need to be anonymous.

Because I felt unbelonged, rejected.

 

[Preety_India]

Maybe me wanting to go to jail was a way of imitating my inner state.

My inner state of feeling punished by society for just being normal. For being shamed, guilted, demonized for nothing.

Requiem of a dream.......

And being in jail was a way to accept and embrace this punishment and act it out, enact this inner trauma, so I no longer fight it. 

Being in jail meant complacency. Not allowed to fight anymore. Not allowed to rebel anymore

 

There's only quiet. No desperation. No jihad.

I'm finally put to rest in a non dead manner.

I can speak no more..you can hear no more of me.

You don't have to act anymore that you're annoyed by me. Because I no longer exist. I'm no longer your nuisance. 

I'm discarded. Because I'm a piece of shit. Well at least I was always treated as one.

 

 

[Preety_India]

I was thinking about how to survive jail.

But then I thought - what I'm trying to survive ? I'm trying to survive nothingness. There is nothing to survive.

When I was a child, I survived poverty.

When I was an adult, I survived loss and pain. Loneliness.

I don't like sunlight. It hurts my eyes.

In jail, there's little light. I live in my chamber, locked away with little light coming in. I have to walk to the bars to be able to see light. This is an island. Very little activity here. My cell is placed away from the sun. So I hardly get sunlight. Only a few rays that enter through the slit at the side of the door. There's makeshift arrangement outside my cell that pretty much blocks a lot of the sunlight coming in. Some days they move the makeshift, and on those days there's ample sunlight coming in. 

I feel a bit abnormal sitting in this prison. Whatever you call it jail, prison. Prison seems like a strong word and a modern word. I prefer calling this jail. It's an old style of referring things. 

Before I can think of how my life will be after jail, let me think about how my life is being in jail...

One thing....it feels like liberation. Nothing to worry. What can be a worse punishment than this, a worse form of ostracization ?

They say I shouldn't torture myself. So I decided to torture myself in the worst manner possible.

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

They call me psychologically disordered, mental, crazy, lunatic, maniac, childish, immature, bimbo, whiner, overly dramatic, attention seeker, desperate, stupid, weak, basket case, vain woman.

I remember Joseph routinely calling me a dipshit. I didn't even know what that word meant. Then someone told me it was a derogatory slang. Now that word haunts me. I can hear it echoing down the hallways. Him calling me a worthless woman. And sometimes rotating it by calling me "a wonderful person"...his compliments were no favor especially after a long term of verbal cusses thrown at me. Maybe it was easier for him to taunt me because I was an Indian girl, not much worth in his eyes, he was a white guy after all. I bet if he ever spoke that way to his white blonde ex wife, not really. I never heard him speak to her that way,he never dared to. Those words were only reserved for me. 

And then I had to fend for myself. Licking my wounds in a cold dark corner, crying alone, thinking why nobody could love me, despite being so nice to everyone. 

But in this jail, there's no Joseph. There's nobody to hurt me anymore. I can be an attention seeker if I want to. 

 

Nobody can call me a narcissist here. I can be me,myself and I, unapologetically.

 

       

 

 

Edited July 30, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I'm free. Even though I'm caged.