The mutual intelectual attraction curse. Asking for a date.

[ertopolice]

Hi there

I posted about a particular guy some weeks ago regarding whether i was doing the right  thing reaching him via texts or should be he the one initiating most of the time.

The thing is

We met each other in the past at the gym

Now i met him on social media and we talk throught it

I appreciate his interest in my way of thinking, we share views on many topics, and hobbies.

He is so polite and never showed flirty or anything...

I am both attracted to him mentally and phisically

He joked a bit about writing him if i happened to pass through the park he uses to walk the dog but last saturday i wrote him and he answered he was out of town. He did no plan any other date or encounter

Wat should i do? should i force another date, should i keep on chatting about interesting stuff via social media?

i wanna date him to assess wether it is real attraction what i feel or if i could just get a nice chat face to face with this guy

 

HELP appreciated

[Mason Riggle]

@ertopolice sometimes it's a bit of a game of cat and mouse.. 

See what happens if you stop messaging him. If he's interested, this will drive him nuts and he'll message you.

If you don't hear from him, he's not interested. Don't sweat it. There's thousands of fish in the sea. 

 

OR.. message him when you have something interesting to say. Keep things friendly, and who knows, over time, if it's right, it will turn into something more, if not, it won't, and in the meantime you can remain open to other possibilities.

 

 

[ertopolice]

@Mason Riggle Exactly..

I'll try those tips and see how it goes 

I kept all the interaction friendly, intelectual and never flirty so whether he is interested not (as a man) it should be no problem so i wonder if he's really shy or something

He confessed enjoying isolation and deep topics so may that be a reason. By what he says i assume he is into casual relationships so perhaps he already has all his needs covered and it's no point meet me face to face ¿?

[Mason Riggle]

@ertopolice perhaps.. ask him.  What have you got to lose? 

[ertopolice]

@Mason Riggle Fear of rejection I guess

I got my social media profile intellectually oriented, with hardy any pics of me because I want to focus on the intellectual/ spiritual stuff to attract like minded people...

BUT 

the times i've tried to establish any real conversation hobbies oriented with guys (the wrong guys i guess) it's been a failure. We chatted a bit and wether they lost interest and never heard of them afterwards or i dated them and after that initial date i never heard of them afterwards. 

I got congratulated on any pics i post of myself. I've trained for years and fitness is one of my main hobbies BUT NEVER post any of those "hey..today i trained abs and glutes" stuff we all see on social media so when they see a hint of my physique they GET SHOCKED. TIRED OF THAT HONESTLY.

I guess most of them search for a physical attraction. Mental attraction is SO POWERFUL AND APPEALLING TO ME..and this guy drives me a bit crazy with all his views on politics and philosophy...

i do not wanna SHOW NEEDY suggesting him that i planning another visit to the park with my ebook...

I am trying to figure out something else but i am so stuck ...

[Mason Riggle]

@ertopolice "you miss 100% of the shots you never take." - Wayne Gretski

It may take time, but I think you'll find your connection.  Maybe not with this particular guy, but there's literally millions of guys out there.  You don't want a guy who's only into girls for their looks anyhow, so if that's the case with this guy, his loss, not yours. 

Obviously physical attraction is important, but it's definitely not as important as most people think, and if you can build a solid mental connection, even if the physical attraction isn't super strong in the beginning, time can change that.   Just look at those 'married at first sight' shows.  Those couples marry someone they've never seen once, and have surprisingly high success rates based on matching their personalities.  

Don't let fear of rejection hold you back.  You're going to get rejected.  Learn not to be needy, so you don't show needy.  Even if you have to fake it til you make it, tell yourself.. "I don't need this guy.  There's plenty of guys. Millions of them.  If he's not into me, his loss.  Thousands of other guys would be thrilled to have me as theirs. I'm a prize, and if he can't see that, he doesn't deserve me."  

I don't think if you get a little more aggressive in pursuing a meet up in person it's going to come across as needy anyhow. Some guys are insecure about making the first move. They don't want to seem creepy, or needy themselves, so they don't know how to move the conversation from friendly to intimate, even though they really want to.. and at least if you show your hand, you'll force his hand, and get your answer one way or another. 

 

[Flowerfaeiry]

@ertopolice invite him to ask you out by being cute, sweet and flirty. Drop into your feelings and sensations, your femininity. If he still doesn't ask you out move on, no sense in dating a guy who is clueless. 

[ertopolice]

@Mason Riggle I definitely find you tips so useful and sometimes i remind myself of all those things you mention. 

I met this guy for the very first time some years ago at my local gym so he somehow has an idea of my look. I felt attraction for him by the way he trained SO HARD and that he seemed to be a shy guy by the way he behaved...

I felt he was kinda special and added him on a social network. 

He definitely is out of this matrix of society and seems to have some values/principles. Also he is intellectual. I think he he the closer in real life i've met to those of us who are here in actualized.org.

I think he spends his time dating casually because of his human need and also because he is desperate about finding someone mentally attractive. I think he is beyond physiques, as well as am I.

Ok..so this would be a second dog walking/reading excuse in the park :D. I wanna wait to see if he initiates a chat with me with any profile update excuse but i fear he'll not...but i know myself and acknowledge i'll end up initiating to put an end to all this wondering about a possible mental-physical connection with this man!!!

 

[ertopolice]

@Flowerfaeiry I am dying for having a face to face meet/date and show off all those feminine traits you mention. 

Not sexual, not too flirty..but just that subtle hint of feminine and elegant power high value men can appreciate...but i cannot play my cards over text via social media. All our interactions are basically on random philosophical stuff, society, politics..

so i need to find an excuse (apart from the one mentioned and already used about coming across at the park :D)

[Flowerfaeiry]

@ertopolice I beg to differ, you can be flirty and sweet via text. Of course, not too flirty, but I think you're holding back a little. Feel into yourself and express! 

Talking about philosophical stuff is not the way to do it. That has its place but if all your conversations have been like that, no wonder he hasn't asked you out! 

[ertopolice]

@Flowerfaeiry definately, just realized

he must have assumed i am there for chatting about boring stuff..

 

[ertopolice]

@Flowerfaeiry i seem way too intelectual and difficult to approach in an intimate way

[Flowerfaeiry]

@ertopolice I wouldn't say way too intellectual, more that the softer sides to you aren't showing. 

[ertopolice]

@Flowerfaeiry and i know i could put them to work..

but dunno why i feel needy or that i show weakness in i pursue too much

 

[Flowerfaeiry]

@ertopolice reflect on why you're being needy. Are you fulfilling your own needs and taking care of yourself? 

[ertopolice]

@Flowerfaeiry I feel needy because I think i am not reaching all my potential as a woman. 

By taking care of myself i am really lost on what else  to do , honestly

I am strict with my health and my body, i got a job and also i am always pursuing to promote to grow professionally. 

I lack social circle because of that...that's a HUGE PROBLEM. You end up isolated.

 

[ertopolice]

UPDATE

Start to feeling really sick of social media but...

After posting the thread i kept on commenting occasionally on his stories on iG.

Those chats led to longer conversations that as i've said, i enjoyed

Lat one i end up telling him that i wished we followed the conversations face to face

Yesterday after commenting a funny picture of his dog, he proposed directly to meet up next week

 

Did i played well my cards? might he just being polite with me? it speak well of him having the politeness of meeting me at least as a person to enjoy a conversations with...i guess

[ertopolice]

view on this all @Flowerfaeiry?

 

thx!!