Big fear of oneness and being alone in the universe

[Sonny]

Hi there. I could write a very big post about this but maybe better to just get to the point. I have had many mystical experiences, sober and on psychedelics but last few years I have a big blockage that is preventing me from exploring further. I have a big fear of the oneness realization. At first, I was extremely happy and surprised, it felt like truth and a relief. But shortly later I experienced great fear/bad trips that I might be the only one creating this. That I am essentially all alone in the universe. That all other people are simply ego's and there is no real soul beneath them. As if I am in a prison of my own soul/universe, in a school where everything is reflected back to me. I am open to the idea that I interpret non-duality wrong. If I listen to Ram Dass' teachings, it's more like: ego > soul > oneness. And we exist on all these planes. This is what I prefer to believe in... that behind this ego-life, we still have a soul which is having this whole spiritual/astral existence and at the same time on a deeper level we are all the same. But according the teachings of @Leo Gura, I feel like he is skipping the whole soul part, it's either Ego or Oneness. I am open to that idea too. But it just gives me extreme anxiety if I really dive into it. 

I don't really know how to progress any further. Everytime I go deep, I get back to this fear and it consumes me. That I am the creator, the God that made everything... and everyone is a part of me, which will be me again, after I die, instead of another soul progressing forth. I prefer to believe in that in between these two things, we are souls. That when Non Duality talks about that we are consciousness... that souls operate in the same waters. As in that 'God'/Consciousness is a sea, and souls are made from the same fabric aka water. So we don't identify with being the creator of the universe, but with our Higher Self, and that we mistake that from that we are the whole Sea ourselves. It also prevents me from connecting deeply to others, if it's just me who I am interacting with, without any souls behind it.

During a bad trip, I really needed to connect deeply to another human, to not go into full blown panic. This is already 2 years ago. This tells me that I interpret it wrongly, or that it's the painful truth. 

This is a mind boggling thing I have been going for three years now. I hope you guys could maybe provide some tips or ways to cope with this. 

PS: I get a oneness experience very quickly now. Today for example I was listening to an actualized video about Fear (part 2) while walking through nature and it hit me... or when I even inhale a tiny bit of cannabis, I get a oneness experience. So it's very important that I find a new way of dealing with this... this cannot go any further, it's a complete blockage. I need to either accept it, or fix my wrong interpretation.

Tldr; Is it just Ego / Oneness, or is it Ego / Soul / Oneness, or something different/I interpret it wrongly? 

Edited July 29, 2021 by Sonny

[caspex]

I think that whole image of people being nothing behind their ego, and that being somehow scary is just a false image. 

You see, even if there was a soul layer, that's just adding one more layer. Now you can say, people are nothing behind their souls. But clearly you don't do that imagery when it comes to souls. So just don't do that with ego either. 

You can love those egos as much as you love those souls. Howcome adding a layer of souls makes it more comfortable? 

I think soul stuff is highly likely, but if having 'no soul' seems scary then that is social conditioning imo. What does 'soul' even mean to you except what you have been told by society? 

 

But it's still scary, right? Well if you see the love, it shouldn't be at all IME. It's not like traditional loneliness at all. Aloneness is just a fact, but love makes it all so worth it.

Edited July 29, 2021 by Swarnim

[Sonny]

@Swarnim Well... because I have the idea that souls would have a long long journey before heading back to complete oneness. So in the end it's the same, I get where you are coming from. But then I have atleast the idea that beyond the material ego world, there are others. For example... maybe it would take a million lifes to get back to oneness. So then, I don't really care about that lonely oneness feeling and I would see it all as a beautiful journey. But having the idea that this life is just created by me and after that, it's back to square one, it's just upsetting to me, there is no real point to it and I'm all alone. In the end, it doesn't matter, because with non-duality, I am all alone, but atleast beyond this life there is more duality, before that non duality. It also prevents me from connecting deeply to others, if it's just me who I am interacting with.

But I don't really know what the fear is based upon.

Edited July 29, 2021 by Sonny

[Matthew85]

@Sonny My direct experience of this is so far the opposite of aloneness it would be challenging to find words to articulate it. Perhaps it would help you to explore and contemplate the true nature of god more deeply. 

[caspex]

1 minute ago, Sonny said:

@Swarnim Well... because I have the idea that souls would have a long long journey before heading back to complete oneness. So in the end it's the same, I get where you are coming from. But then I have atleast the idea that beyond the material ego world, there are others. For example... maybe it would a million lifes to get back to oneness. So then, I don't really care about that lonely oneness feeling and I would see it all as a beautiful journey. But having the idea that this life is just created by me and after that, it's back to square one, it's just upsetting to me, there is no real point to it and I'm all alone.

I get you man. That's why I believe that too. But your head might be underwater. Pull it out and see the beauty of everything at large. Because I think you can see that we are just trying to find meaning when there is none. And "if only there was more between now and that inevitable loneliness". But there is no loneliness. Its all love. 

I don't claim to be someone who has embodied this love because I suffer a lot with that too. But everytime, love is the only 'thing' that makes me see it never mattered anyways.

[Sonny]

4 minutes ago, Matthew85 said:

@Sonny My direct experience of this is so far the opposite of aloneness it would be challenging to find words to articulate it. Perhaps it would help you to explore and contemplate the true nature of god more deeply. 

I've been doing that for years. But everytime I stumble against the same problem: that if I am God, and I created this, there is essentially no one else behind the veil of Ego, only myself. So I'm essentially trapped in my own universe with the illusion that there are others. Very scary idea. If there were souls for example, it's like we are both bathing in oneness/God, while connecting. That feels in a way more true/better, but it's a constant struggle if it's either this or that.

[Matthew85]

I feel you are not seeing and understanding the infinite nature of god. If you are feeling scared, that is an indication your mind is distorting or misinterpreting the experience. When you get to the truth it will never feel like that. 

[Sonny]

9 minutes ago, Matthew85 said:

I feel you are not seeing and understanding the infinite nature of god. If you are feeling scared, that is an indication your mind is distorting or misinterpreting the experience. When you get to the truth it will never feel like that. 

Well, I've gone very deep quite some times... and during the experience it was indeed blissful (not always, also resisted it) but afterwards when integrating/remembering, I get fear. I don't know how to interpret it. I just don't want it to be just me. That it's all just me. 

Edited July 29, 2021 by Sonny

[Matthew85]

@Sonny In my experience fear and truth cannot coexist. Fear is always an indication of not seeing truth. Spend some time deeply contemplating the nature of god being "Infinite". 

Edited July 29, 2021 by Matthew85

[Purple Man]

I think one of the reasons for solid, life-long spiritual practice is not only to gain trascendental insights, but to establish solid roots that will sustain big awakenings that otherwise would shatter our minds. Even realized beings keep doing their seemingly petty practices, like puja or mantras, and there is a reason for that. 

I remember that when I was a kid I was terrified when I scanned my consciousness at night before my sleep, and saw nobody there. Then I spent years being scared at the fact that people were only forms within my consciousness, while I was totally, completely alone. And if I had not gotten in touch with spiritual traditions and readings from highly developed individuals, I might have gone crazy. 

 

[Sonny]

@Purple Man What practice do you recommend? And what do you think of my fear? Is it true what I think or am I misinterpreting the oneness?

Edited July 29, 2021 by Sonny

[Tim R]

@Sonny What you're experiencing is called "Solipsism" and there are dozens and hundreds of threads about this on the forum.

You are consciousness. 

You are not a separate entity/soul who "has" his/her own consciousness. You are not conscious. You are consciousness itself, and so is the rest of the universe. Every person, every animal, every plant, every rock and every cloud is consciousness. Everything in this universe is of one and the same fundamental nature, and that is consciousness. Awareness as such. 

There is not a single entity in this universe. Nobody "who is conscious". Only consciousness itself, appearing as "different" beings.

You think you are looking through your eyes. You think there is somebody behind your eyes and you hope that there is somebody behind the eyes of other people.

Well I've got news for you, there is nobody inside your head and nobody inside other people's heads. And yet there is consciousness.

And this consciousness is absolutely everywhere. It's infinite and its center is literally everywhere. Everywhere is "I". You are me. There is only you, only me. Only "I am". 

 

You won't understand what I'm saying by reading it. You must see into your true nature directly and then you will understand. Don't turn this into philosophy. 

And lastly - Solipsism is a meaningless problem. If you were the only person in the universe, then who would you ask to prove/disprove this for you? You couldn't ask anyone, since there wouldn't be anyone but you. It's a non-disprovable philosophy, so why bother with it?

Also: notice, that by saying "I am the only real entity in the universe" you set up a duality between "yourself" and "them" or "it". 

Solipsism is nothing but a distorted view on reality. You're projecting and speculating, notice that.

 

There is nothing to be afraid of. 

[Purple Man]

1 hour ago, Sonny said:

@Purple Man What practice do you recommend? And what do you think of my fear? Is it true what I think or am I misinterpreting the oneness?

I came to this forum to erase some of my last doubts, so I want to be very cautious and offer only that  I am certain of.

Embodiment comes with the toll of an ego that is there to keep separation alive. Oneness is its enemy because it means its end. But Consciousness does not fear Oneness, because Consciousness´nature IS one. 

Regarding practices, all I can say is it can´t be something we do one hour a day. Practice has to be the way we live. You can´t sustain mantras or watch your breath while engaging with the world, but you can be at all times ( I mean, all times) 1/stabilized in Awareness as your "base" 2/contemplating that every perception is a form Awareness takes 3/ be aware of the body as the avatar that allows the perception in the projection that the manifest Universe is. 1/Aware Space, 2/Light , and 3/ Form, with Form being a particular vibration of Light, and Light being the emanation of Awareness. All Light and Form flowing from you. 

Sorry if this does not help. But it might...

Edited July 29, 2021 by Purple Man

[Sonny]

@Tim R Thanks for the reply. But what I tried to describe is not solipsism. It's hard to describe exactly what I mean, but it's definitely consciousness and not the meaningnessless what you described. From what I read about solipsism, is that it's about the mind. The idea that I would be the only one having a mind. But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about that indeed we are all one, everything is connected. I totally 'believe' in that and integrated, but there is a difference in that there would be humans connected with eachother through 'god' and their higher selves, or that there is just one consciousness and that's it. Because in that sense, I am playing this game with myself. And I wish it to be that I am an ego and soul who self realises and integrates it's connection with everything. 

So it's more like a dilemma what is truth...

1: I am the whole universe, and I am basically playing with myself.

2: I am part of the whole universe and made of the same fabric, together with all other higher/selves/beings/souls, together we are growing/evolving etc. And after that whole soul progression ladder, I become the whole universe again... until the circle goes round.

Edited July 29, 2021 by Sonny

[Matthew85]

@Sonny No one can answer this for you. It is something you have to discover through your own direct experience. Other people can only offer their perspective. If you are feeling fear, you haven't reached the truth. Keep contemplating and exploring. 

Edited July 29, 2021 by Matthew85

[Sonny]

@Matthew85 Well... I have experienced the truth for sure. But the problem lies when my ego comes back and analyses it and makes a fear story of it. I have had awakenings where I was absolutely bliss and connected. Very very deep experiences. But my ego made this whole story that screwed it up... and I don't know how to get rid of it. Because now, everytime I reach that state again, I get a very big load of fear and on the brink of a panic attack. I even had panic attacks just by memorising the oneness experiences that I had, even though those experiences were good. One time I resisted an lsd trip for hours and hours on end, because I was afraid if I let go, I would die into the oneness. It was very hard work. But the fear was too big. I even didn't trip for 2 years already because of this. I did a little bit of cannabis and I was right back where I started, after one drag. It's a sensation that I am going to explode and that I am the one playing in my own dream and no escape possible, all me, those two things.

Edited July 29, 2021 by Sonny

[snowyowl]

@Sonny Have you come across the writings of Paul Brunton, who taught about the Overself, a bigger version of self inbetween the individual and the whole. I like the idea of levels of selfhood to progress through, however a warning, I found his writing style a bit hard to follow and he's dated nowadays, so there's probably other teachers on this. 

Edited July 29, 2021 by snowyowl

[allislove]

@Sonny

Imagine ONE screen plays infinite amount of movies simultaneously...say, one movie shows the scenery with souls, in another movie there are no souls at all. If believing in souls makes you more at peace, there is no problem with believing it - the movie is the point of the screen. You are not the movie though, you are the whole screen, that's a self realization. To realize yourself there shouldn't be clinging to the movie, trying to push the movie away is also won't work, just let the movie play as it is.

Quote

or when I even inhale a tiny bit of cannabis, I get a oneness experience.
...
I hope you guys could maybe provide some tips or ways to cope with this. 

Oneness means One. 'To get oneness' there should be 'YOU' and 'ONENESS' (that's the idea of twoness), but 'YOU' 'ARE' 'ONENESS' already, 'ARE' (oneness).
...
I'd suggest a morning meditation practice:

Like this, but 1-hour-daily ?

[Nahm]

No one is alone in the universe, everyone is whole & complete, perfectly fulfilled, as the universe (only thought is to / seems to be to, the contrary of this). This place is a literal expression of love, which is why meditation & expression, emptying the cup, is so key to connectedness, oneness, authenticity, and just simple real - happiness.

You aren’t interpreting nonduality ‘wrong’, you’re missing that’s judgement, and that is fear. It feels off because it is way off. Nonduality is uninterpretable. The practices, like grounding, meditation, expression (not thinking) are the way of, to & as peace, love, understanding, & True happiness. 

[Kamo]

On 7/29/2021 at 1:39 PM, Sonny said:

@Swarnim Well... because I have the idea that souls would have a long long journey before heading back to complete oneness. So in the end it's the same, I get where you are coming from. But then I have atleast the idea that beyond the material ego world, there are others. For example... maybe it would take a million lifes to get back to oneness. So then, I don't really care about that lonely oneness feeling and I would see it all as a beautiful journey. But having the idea that this life is just created by me and after that, it's back to square one, it's just upsetting to me, there is no real point to it and I'm all alone. In the end, it doesn't matter, because with non-duality, I am all alone, but atleast beyond this life there is more duality, before that non duality. It also prevents me from connecting deeply to others, if it's just me who I am interacting with.

But I don't really know what the fear is based upon.

Watch Leos video on Nihilism your just hitting one of the walls within Nihilism, when you loop it back and find your meaning then its all good. Just be patient with yourself and realize your current life is the journey you get to construct, so have fun with it. Focus on this life rather "beyond" The ego mind will have trouble with this because its based on survival and wants. Wants fall away when your ego dissolves more. Your thoughts of it being upsetting will also fall away as if you never even had them. The oneness becomes a feeling not an idea that its pleasant to be with.