How to deal with girls wanting favors and treats

[Hulia]

6 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

@Peter Miklis  Rock on!

@Hulia If you were to actually meet a guy who would know how to treat you like the Goddess that you are, would you be able to recognize and recieve those gifts? 

What gifts? If he just would love me...

[Zeroguy]

8 minutes ago, Hulia said:

Sorry to tell you, but you won´t get there.. As long as I am not ready with loving the whole universe. Fucking path of love.

Hahahahahahahaha. 

Still don't understand whom these guys are trying to BS. 

 

[Average Investor]

I recall always seeing a lot of stuff where guys would be bringing stuff to girls at work etc. I had one girl I did that for with coffee and stuff. It never really sat well with me since there was no actual investment in a date or anything on their part. I have actually stopped talking with girls who wanted me to buy them stuff and drop it off to them. On a date it would not really bother me though I suppose. I can be a bit cheap, but under $30 or so for them on a first date or something is fine with me. It's doable without money though. If that part of it bothers you. There is a lot of free stuff out there that is fun too. 

I suppose my main issue would be their choice of foods haha. 

 

[ivankiss]

5 minutes ago, Hulia said:

What gifts? If he just would love me...

Love can be demonstrated in infinite ways.

I'm just saying... we all want The One. But do we actually feel worthy of his or her love?

That's where the game gets real.

[flowboy]

A lot of this comes down to cultural differences.

I'm Dutch. We like to split things.

And the women here are eager to prove that they are independent and can take care of themselves.

That doesn't mean that I will ask her to pay half of the 14 euros we spent at a cafe. No.

That would be cheap.

But we do take turns paying for stuff.

Letting the woman pay, at least sometimes, is a statement of respect, and a message that you don't see her as an object but as a person.

If I go on a date where there is multiple things we do (for example, first ice cream, then coffee, then movie or whatever) and if I try to pay for all of those, the girl will get offended or worried because it looks like I'm trying to buy her like a prostitute. Or she'll feel guilty and insist that she pays for the next thing.

It's easy to have a situation where it seems like a certain outcome of the night is expected, because one person is paying for everything.

This seems transactional and is to be avoided (where I live), because it makes the women feel cheap and like sexual favors are expected.

Much better to let her pay some stuff too, so that she doesn't feel pressure to "put out".

 

That's my experience.

Apparently in different regions, there is women who find it really important that the man pays for everything.

Personally, that would be a turnoff to me.

Because to me, it seems to imply that she's the prize and I have to beg her and be on my knees to please spend more time with me. Either that, or she's a housewife from the fifties. Or she's not grown up yet, and is looking for a new dad.

I don't do that shit

She gets to hang out with me, which is valuable in and of itself.

And there's no "me courting her". I don't do that shit either. It's old-fashioned and yucky.

It's an interplay. Sometimes I'm in the lead, sometimes she is.

We are both the prize, enjoying the dance of figuring out whether we fit.

Edited July 29, 2021 by flowboy

[Peter Miklis]

3 minutes ago, flowboy said:

I'm Dutch. We like to split things.

So much so, that the phrase "going dutch" was created to describe that phenomenom?

I envy you guys?

[Mason Riggle]

11 hours ago, StarStruck said:

So I took this girl for ice cream and she said she also want a hamburger and 5 minutes later she also wanted fries and then something else. 

My intention was just to buy ice cream. I bought her a hamburger out of niceness but then she wanted more and I said no but it kind of killed the mood a little bit. 

How could I handle this situation in the future? I think she sensed I was a nice guy. 

Instead of saying 'no', perhaps you could have used it as an opportunity to be flirty.. 'fine, I'll get you a burger, but you're gonna owe me *wink wink* (you have to do in a joking, non creepy way.. like you don't actually expect anything in return, but you're letting her know you see what she's doing, and you can do it too).. 

[flowboy]

Also this way, you avoid the guy feeling screwed over at the end of a date that didn't work out.

It's just better (imo).

[Hulia]

16 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

'm just saying... we all want The One. But do we actually feel worthy of his or her love?

Oh, I do! I really do! But the guys are too shallow to see how much worthy I am. And I am too proud to manipulate them into emotional dependence.

[Emerald]

@flowboy Sorry... I don't "go Dutch"  No Dutch guys for me. j/k

I do understand cultural differences.

That said, it does create a certain atmosphere about the date when the guy assumes those roles that I associate with traditional courtship. And I like that vibe. It creates more polarization, which adds to the attraction dynamic.

But if I had already developed a platonic relationship to a guy and already knew him and had developed an intimate friendship with him, it might be too formal. It would all depend contextually.

With that in mind, if I were on a dating app, I'd probably have a lot more boundaries around things like that. Like, the man not paying would definitely be a red flag. And I would be looking out for more signs of why he didn't.

If it's cultural, that's okay. If he's an uber feminist, that's okay. If he's tight on money, that might be okay as long as he has a job and is a stable person. If he's cheap. That's not okay. If he's trying to have as much fun with women as he possibly can without paying a dime. That's not okay. 

[flowboy]

2 hours ago, StarStruck said:

The reason I never talk about my LP to girls is I don't want to come across as a nerd. Most girls have nothing with IT.

@StarStruck True, but it's not really about the informational content, rather the emotional content.

I can talk about IT in a way that is entertaining to girls, people rather, who don't understand the subject at all.

Because I talk about how it makes me feel, I express a wide range of emotions in the stories I tell. So following along is like an epic adventure, even if you have no idea what those words mean.

It is necessary to not just share your information, but also (most importantly) share your emotional experience.

Being stoic is not helpful.

The range of emotions you talk about should be a healthy mix of exciting, cool, heart-warming, and some sad, and some scary, et cetera.

If you fail to express feelings that are connected to stories, you won't have a lot of successful dates.

[flowboy]

10 minutes ago, Emerald said:

@flowboy Sorry... I don't "go Dutch"  No Dutch guys for me. j/k

I do understand cultural differences.

That said, it does create a certain atmosphere about the date when the guy assumes those roles that I associate with traditional courtship. And I like that vibe. It creates more polarization, which adds to the attraction dynamic.

But if I had already developed a platonic relationship to a guy and already knew him and had developed an intimate friendship with him, it might be too formal. It would all depend contextually.

With that in mind, if I were on a dating app, I'd probably have a lot more boundaries around things like that. Like, the man not paying would definitely be a red flag. And I would be looking out for more signs of why he didn't.

If it's cultural, that's okay. If he's an uber feminist, that's okay. If he's tight on money, that might be okay as long as he has a job and is a stable person. If he's cheap. That's not okay. If he's trying to have as much fun with women as he possibly can without paying a dime. That's not okay. 

I may have misrepresented a bit how I actually tend to do it.

The "let's do X and you can buy me a drink" move is something I employed situationally, with a wink, when I wanted to be a bit cocky and give an emotional spike. And send a signal that I value my own company/time highly. Timed correctly, it often gets a laugh.

I end up paying about 2/3 of the times on dates. Usually I pay the first "thing" we do, and often the second, then we start alternating in who takes care of the bill. Again, because otherwise it is interpreted as pressure to put out, and also, we're Dutch and to us that's more fair.

I don't split, because that produces a vibe that money is an issue, which is not conducive to sex.

But girls will insist on paying at least sometimes, and letting them, is a sign of respect here. Again, because they're eager to show their independence.

It's nice to have an atmosphere of abundance, where money is no issue. But we don't like the balance being way skewed towards one person. At least I don't, and most people I've met who are Dutch.

 

We have cultural differences, but where we agree, in my view, is that we don't tolerate the leechy vibe, where our date is trying to get something for free. I'm okay with being generous unless I'm being manipulated into it.

Edited July 29, 2021 by flowboy

[Preety_India]

@flowboy

 

2 minutes ago, flowboy said:

I may have misrepresented a bit how I actually tend to do it.

The "let's do X and you can buy me a drink" move is something I employed situationally, when I wanted to be a bit cocky and give an emotional spike. And send a signal that I value my own company/time highly. Timed correctly, it often gets a laugh.

I end up paying about 2/3 of the times on dates. Usually I pay the first "thing" we do, and often the second, then we start alternating in who takes care of the bill. Again, because otherwise it is interpreted as pressure to put out, and also, we're Dutch and to us that's more fair.

I don't split, because that produces a vibe that money is an issue, which is not conducive to sex.

But girls will insist on paying at least sometimes, and letting them, is a sign of respect here. Again, because they're eager to show their independence.

It's nice to have an atmosphere of abundance, where money is no issue. But we don't like the balance being way skewed towards one person. At least I don't, and most people I've met who are Dutch.

Now I know why. The Dutch come with big paper mache heads.

 

10 minutes ago, flowboy said:

 

I can talk about IT in a way that is entertaining to girls

 

[Emerald]

7 minutes ago, flowboy said:

I may have misrepresented a bit how I actually tend to do it.

The "let's do X and you can buy me a drink" move is something I employed situationally, when I wanted to be a bit cocky and give an emotional spike. And send a signal that I value my own company/time highly. Timed correctly, it often gets a laugh.

I end up paying about 2/3 of the times on dates. Usually I pay the first "thing" we do, and often the second, then we start alternating in who takes care of the bill. Again, because otherwise it is interpreted as pressure to put out, and also, we're Dutch and to us that's more fair.

I don't split, because that produces a vibe that money is an issue, which is not conducive to sex.

But girls will insist on paying at least sometimes, and letting them, is a sign of respect here. Again, because they're eager to show their independence.

It's nice to have an atmosphere of abundance, where money is no issue. But we don't like the balance being way skewed towards one person. At least I don't, and most people I've met who are Dutch.

Okay, that's pretty much what I would anticipate. That's about the dynamic I would like if I were in a dating situation. 

On the practical level, a lot of it has to do with sussing out if a guy is lazy/unwilling to invest or if he's hung up on small things like a few bucks here or there. Both of these can be a bad sign.

So, if he pays for the first couple dates, and then we alternate from there on out, that would be normal. And it wouldn't send up a red flag. 

Edited July 29, 2021 by Emerald

[flowboy]

8 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

The Dutch come with big paper mache heads.

No, that one was mine!! Did you remember to pick it up for me?

[flowboy]

5 minutes ago, Emerald said:

Okay, that's pretty much what I would anticipate. That's about the dynamic I would like if I were in a dating situation. 

On the practical level, a lot of it has to do with sussing out if a guy is lazy/unwilling to invest or if he's hung up on small things like a few bucks here or there. Both of these can be a bad sign.

So, if he pays for the first couple dates, and then we alternate from there on out, that would be normal. And it wouldn't send up a red flag. 

Phew, I'm not out of the game

[Emerald]

1 minute ago, flowboy said:

Phew, I'm not out of the game

[Preety_India]

@flowboy yea I picked it up. It's lying in your mailbox. Go get it.

 

 

[flowboy]

@Preety_India So that's what was blocking my door! I'll put it inside before it gets wet. Thanks for saving my head

[Preety_India]

@flowboy you're welcome.