Toxic Mother

[Marinus]

The last three years I had a very hard time, here is my story, enjoy.

When I was I kid, I used to play like every peer that time, going outside in the woods, playing all kinds of games and so on. Life was normal at that time, my parents were very dysfunctional, but this wasn’t something I could comprehend as a child. My whole youth my mother influenced me negatively, by complaining about my father and treating me like an adult at moments like that, for example the way adults complain to each other about someone else, sometimes the truth and sometimes gossip.  These conversations took place when my dad was at work

Because of that I was always angry at my dad and saw every flaw as something negative. The relation between me and my dad was that time also very unnatural. I also have a little brother who is two years younger than me, so he and me are on the same page.

The way of life was the same for many years, until I was 17 years old. A week before my 17th birthday (early December) my mother told me she had breast cancer, of course I was shocked. My mother had to undergo surgery and take chemo therapy. The surgery happened very well, unfortunately her breast needed to be amputated. After the surgery, she took the chemo therapy, in that process she went crazy. She talked about killing herself, was very instable and was scared to death about the chemo’s.  

Eventually she had to be hospitalized in the hospital at the department for mental instable people. Things did not change much, only when the chemo therapy was over. All that time my father stood by her side, motivated her, joined her to the chemo and psychological therapy, offered his lunchtime at work to see her and so on. When my mother wasn’t around anymore I saw that my father wasn’t a bad person and he had very good and caring sides. Al my life I was blind to this, because I only saw the negative.

When it was, summer vacation we all did go to France (I live in The Netherlands) with the mobile home of my father. My mother was back and everything did go back to what we were used to. The negative influence from my mother changed me back to my previous way of thinking. After the vacation my mother wanted a divorce. My father was devastated and wanted to commit suicide so he cut his wrist. The cut wasn’t deep enough so his life wasn’t endangered. My mother involved me in this dilemma and eventually I called the emergency services, for my fathers on good.

Eventually my father left for two weeks to his parents and I was at home with my mother. My mother was angry at him and told gossip al around our family and acquaintances. She also prepared to have the divorce. Eventually the divorce was in progress, my father came back home and my mother was going to live with her mother.

Eventually were opened and I saw everything my mother had done. A while after that broke the contact with her, because she was still trying to manipulate me. Half a year went by so I ought to give her a chance. After a couple of times she was trying to influence me again, later I helped her to move her to her new house (the divorce is still in progress). I once again had enough of it and broke the contact again. Last year I tried to give her another chance, but things were still the same. Since then I haven’t spoken to her, because she blocked me on social media after an argument and I finally had enough of this madness.

To this day, I haven’t spoken to her, she thinks my father is holding me and my brother back, but this is of course nonsense. I can conclude from here E-mails that she still is the same person as she always has been. I know she has a hard time to accept me as I am and will try to influence me once again. That is why I don’t communicate with her. Does someone has advice or an opinion about this, please let me now.

Thanks for reading

[Alex4]

this story makes my mother look less toxic 

I hope someone can give you directions

[davidpuralocura]

i live with a  mother that is toxic some times and abusive too

but i dont think you shoud cut her totaly out of your life

let go of the hate to her and learn to accept and learn about her

i know she may not change but i know you can and that can do much

[Jhonny]

My mother abuse me and try to put me down all the time. Then if i say something to her she starts crying.I can't stand a crying women. I start to feel her pain then apologize in a not open but some manner.like start talking again.

[Marinus]

On 28-11-2016 at 3:23 AM, davidpuralocura said:

i live with a  mother that is toxic some times and abusive too

but i dont think you shoud cut her totaly out of your life

let go of the hate to her and learn to accept and learn about her

i know she may not change but i know you can and that can do much

Actually I don't hate her,  I just don't want any toxic people in my life. 

[Marinus]

On 30-11-2016 at 7:25 PM, BLABLABLA said:

@Marinus Just allow yourself to feel the pain, pick up a spiritual practice and drop 3 tabs acid and eat 5 grams of shrooms in one on separate trips

How can those shrooms help me, isn't it the same as escaping from this world? 

[YaNanNallari]

Yeah, as someone said even if she won't move on make sure you do. 

[kyle barnett]

This is pretty unfortunate. It sounds like your parents lives are a living hell and your just getting sucked into it cause your her mother. I feel deeply sorry about the breast cancer and the trouble you's all had to go through from it, but I feel now you should just let her go and move on. Or at least set that as a vision. Seeming you want to be away from toxic people. Same here. It may seem selfish I know but she has no right to restrict you from living your own life. If you want to leave and live without her, do not feel ashamed about it at all. Also it seems like your mum is half decent time to time so you end up forgiving her and it goes into this spiral. Just leave her. You don't have to say fuck you and never speak to her again. But cut her out to the point where you don't get sucked in to her shit. Honestly bro, I have friends like this and it is terrible. You are missing out on so much happiness in life, life is amazing and these people prevent you from seeing this? Is that harsh. Yeah. But it doesn't sound like they are improving. Even if they are I feel there lives are so stuck don already it'l be a lot of effort to work up so I feel moving on is the best. 

 

Long story short, you never have to give away your happiness to anybody ! Even if it seems selfish. 

Edited December 14, 2016 by kyle barnett

[Marinus]

Thank you all for the replies!

I have made the decision to restore the contact with my mother.  After reading a couple of books,  I realised that forgiveness is the only thing I can do.  I will be immune from her toxic behaviour because I will filter the good from the bad. I just have to live in the moment and forget the past. Maybe she will change,  because of my new self,  at least I have faith in that.