Why do I test men ?

[Eph75]

@Preety_India Amazing insights.

Instead of riding along with the subject and content of that narrative... 

What does this insight help you feel? What does doing this feel like in the moment of doing, and what does it make you feel afterwards? 

Does this make you feel powerful and in control? Do you like holding power in your hands? 

Who do you want to be in all of this - what does your authentic side of self tell you / what does being authentic look like? 

Is it a simple pleasure you enjoy satisfying, or is it bringing usefulness to your being and help creating great relationships you look for, or is it more just indulging in pleasure in that moment? 

What are some potential downsides/negative side-effects from doing this? 

Edited July 29, 2021 by Eph75

[robbinsarle]

Someday you will be in the place of all these guys. This is the law of life

[kellyjo]

It doesn't look as good as you think.

[Peter Miklis]

6 hours ago, Preety_India said:

What's my gain in having a guy with many options. Those are not my options, but his options. My gain is when he is exclusively for me..which means he only wants me and not those girls.

What's your gain? Isn't a guy, who is wanted by many women, but only choosing you, more attractive than a guy with no options, so he has to jump throught hoops to get you??

It's actually possible to find a guy like that, although they're rare.

The only thing that would make that guy seem "unatractive" at that point is your own insecurities.

Edited July 29, 2021 by Peter Miklis

[Preety_India]

You mean what goes around comes around.

 

[nistake]

My 2 cents: This issue of manipulating and playing games comes from your shadow. You haven't integrated it, therefore it keeps popping up. It's gonna keep returning until you deal with it. The root cause is maybe low self-confidence and/or low self-esteem. Not sure, just aguess.

[Vzdoh]

Dear, u r a very nice soul so I will try to be gentle with you. You remind me me more than 10 years ago before I have done a lot of work on integrating many of my shadows, learning to love myself and removing family induced trauma. 

And I can tell u from my experience cause I was doing exactly the same testing, that there are few reasons why you might be doing it and u can see which one resonates the most with you. In no particular order:

- You really can't feel how/what the guy feels towards you. What I mean here is that your logical mind is much much stronger than your feelings center. You can check that by doing a test - enneagram test, it normally indicates how developed your feelings and emotional center is. My guess it will be quite little developed. The need for testing arises from your mind, because your feelings center simply cannot give u a certain answer. I was like that, I needed a logical confirmation cause I couldn't feel/sense how exactly the guy feels about me. Situation completely changed when I worked on unlocking my feelings center almost to the point of hypersensitivity and now I don't need to analyse or rationalise anything - I simply feel/see emotions of others clearly. 

- Low-self esteem my dear. The fact that u want guys to jump through the hoops and manipulate them to do that, this is how u r seeking self validation and self worth as if amount of stuff they do for u somehow measures your self-worth. The more unloving you are to yourself, the more self lack you feel, the more "confirmation" and "validation" you will need from guys jumping hoops. Only way to fix it is to do practices to learn yourself. 

- Lack of compassion and love for yourself causes you to treat guys like objects, not subjects. You don't feel compassion for them and respect them when u r manipulating them to jump your hoops. In this moment you r disconnected from them and yourself. It's a heartless and cruel game of who wins your affection and who jumps a higher hoop. Very Orange in nature. 

This is in a nutshell. Do examine each and see what resonates the most or maybe all three resonate. 

[Peter Miklis]

32 minutes ago, modmyth said:

This is an honest question... how many women actually deep down (or overtly) honestly, truly feel this way? This has always been rather alien and odd to me. Like a weird groupthink. How much is it actually rooted in reality?

That there is an overlap in the things that I find attractive vs. other women find attractive isn't indicative of causality on my part. I tend to find what I find attractive off the bat before I learn what others find attractive... (but of course I don't live in a vacuum, completely uninfluenced by what others think or care about.)

But generally, I have never tended to take into account friends or family member's opinions too much as well, like what kind of person I should be with or be attracted to.

It's not really about opinions themselves, per ce, but those opinions tend to be an indicator that a man possesses certain attractive qualities. And, since women are very social, more than men on average, and tend to care about the opinions of their social circle, these opinions therefore hold value. At least before she gets to know the guy. There a term for it: preselection.

Besides, just because that certain guy wouldn't be attractive for certain women despite the preselection factor, isn't surprising. As a guy (in fact, as a human in general), you'll never be able to attract everyone. It's not even a goal worth striving towards.

[Preety_India]

17 minutes ago, Vzdoh said:

Low-self esteem my dear. The fact that u want guys to jump through the hoops and manipulate them to do that, this is how u r seeking self validation and self worth as if amount of stuff they do for u somehow measures your self-worth. The more unloving you are to yourself, the more self lack you feel, the more "confirmation" and "validation" you will need from guys jumping hoops. Only way to fix it is to do practices to learn yourself. 

- Lack of compassion and love for yourself causes you to treat guys like objects, not subjects. You don't feel compassion for them and respect them when u r manipulating them to jump your hoops. In this moment you r disconnected from them and yourself. It's a heartless and cruel game of who wins your affection and who jumps a higher hoop. Very Orange in nature. 

This is in a nutshell. Do examine each and see what resonates the most or maybe all three resonate. 

I think I resonate with these two reasons. So kind of you to respond.

 

[Preety_India]

46 minutes ago, modmyth said:

This is an honest question... how many women actually deep down (or overtly) honestly, truly feel this way? This has always been rather alien and odd to me. Like a weird groupthink. How much is it actually rooted in reality?

Totally agree with this. I too find it like a weird group think

 

[myles]

For some reason, there was a mutual game "who manipulates whom". And that's not good at all.
 

[StarStruck]

4 hours ago, nistake said:

My 2 cents: This issue of manipulating and playing games comes from your shadow. You haven't integrated it, therefore it keeps popping up. It's gonna keep returning until you deal with it. The root cause is maybe low self-confidence and/or low self-esteem. Not sure, just aguess.

Yea, they call is trauma symptoms. Teal Swan's completion theory is very good to integrate shadow sides.