I am addicted to pleasure in it's most accessable forms

[Seemore]

I may be the laziest person alive currently. All I do is sit around smoke drink listen to music daydream and watch entertaining videos while I am 25 with no goals no desire for anything but occasionally sex but kinda gave that up as I don't even have a car. I live at my moms and I barely eat as I am usually drinking  or I am just to lazy. I wear the same clothes for a week but whatever. I really don't see myself getting any job or any friends or really anything. I am diagnosed with scitzophrenia recently so I have government money stacked. Ever since I got out of the mental hospital spending every night contemplating weather I should fucking hang myself I been on easy mode and I don't think I will change. When I think about leaving my moms I just think where I am going to die. I have the house to myself all day except this puppy my mom got me which is nice I guess. I take care of it. I wasn't always such a failure as a human though. I had a huge awakening when I was a teenager and tried many times to flee off into the wilderness with my skills and determination to have the highest wisdom I could imagine. I am a very attractive person so believe me I have up everything to live as a sage. I even left the US to live in the Australian rainforest until I basically died. I spent long cold nights almost freezing too. Everywhere I went was temporary because it was just making me insane sometimes. I have traveled across the US coast to coast living in some amazing places. Some horrifying places. I had gave up my virginity as a prostitute as well. I had hep c from heroin. I did things I never had the mind to even think about doing. What drove me to the mental institution was something I wish someone could relate to I will try and tell it. So I reached enlightenment and let me tell you, It's a whole freight train of responsibility. When it first hit me it was unbelievable. I was with someone and I just felt a shear savage feeling, a tension I noticed of having the ability to kill anyone. The power of this enlightenment was so serious yet so understanding. It makes you almost super human. Honestly it was scary not knowing if I was going to control it inside of me or not but that's when you decide if you want to raise your awareness and roll with it hard and watch yourself or Idk but I felt like I might fight the dude for nothing but being around me. I was led into a series of awakenings and for that you must know what brought up this enlightenment in the first place because I was communicating with another soul my love through sixth sense body mind and soul shit though I have no idea where she lived. Yeah many times I when I had Internet available a girl was let known of how I was, in my mind and she could just sense everything about me and it was a special connection, for five years or so, on and off, this was the only sentimental connection I had with the world, she was all of it. Eventually shit just got too rough for me and I didn't know this whole time if she even liked me the way I did her so discreetly I let her go. I was in a very healthy place in my mind when I did this. After I got done saying what I said I let myself move on in my mind and it was hard but I had a giant sense of relief about it. So much I was just happy thinking about my life without her and all the trouble I put myself through wondering how she felt and everything. I realized a whole phase of my life was behind me and I just sat in peace and felt better and better and it just fucking hit me. It was like I started to get high like the first time I ever smoked weed. It came in waves and just super unbelievable because I was thinking it would last forever. I remember just walking away from camp from my friend and just like I was talking to the universe with plants everywhere and the feeling like everything loved me. Okay so back to that feeling about the seriousness and wanting to kill my friend again. I was led into a series of awakenings. The one that got me fucked up was I thought my girl who I talked to so long finally sent me our love and I started something crazy with her, I immediately told her I know you love me this and that because I thought it was her. My body was vibrating and man I was on another planet. Fair warning this is a long story. I was camping out talking to god all that night and feeling the universe. I could not sleep and before the sun came out I just started walking in an unknown direction because I was just extremely overwhelmed and just ultimately exited for what the next chapter of my life entails. I saw a Casino miles away through the desert and so that's where I went. Feeling the stars giving me power I felt eternal walking through that desert 100%. I got there and I was freaking out because I always had trouble acting normal around people but now, haha. Yeah I could have sworn I met the Devil in that casino. This man was studying me and started mocking me while I was having trouble deciding what to get for food and laughed when I forgot something. It's weird how things work when you are being tested or you have something to let go of. I had nowhere to sleep so I found myself a little garden as the sun was coming up and man I was going through it. There were bugs flying at my face and I believed they were female spirits teaching me lessons and shit. I thought I was the next coming of Christ for sure. Okay so the next day I went back to a place I knew of I could chill out. After looking for my girl to show up at the casino and looking for signs and yelling at strangers "I know it's okay!" I made it to one of my other desert camps. I wanted to chill and just drink a beer and settle but I was narrating everything I was doing like it was the end of the world. I didn't have my phone I couldn't talk to the woman and I needed to know why the universe is giving me so much energy and love. I had to nearly cover my head as not to have multiple siezures this day. The same day I swore a bird came talking to me and invited his whole crew to come see me as well as a group of wild pigs. Yeah shit was real and later my feet and hands started to get really sore like chi was overflowing in them. I went to McDonald's and the first thing the cashier said to me was "ooo my hands are hot". This wasn't the only time this happened either. Yeah well A lot more went down but it's a bit painful going through it all but let me skip to the end before I admitted myself. I tried living in nature, people in homeless shelters thought I was Jesus and I changed people's lives but I was terrified of people. I ended up drinking non stop until I lost it and I was fucked up so bad. It felt like I was being tortured every minute. I could NOT sit still for the life of me and I couldn't hardly move either I mean physically. Not after I woke up cold as hell and something like guilt shame fear and failure hit me in my chest all at once in full panic mode. I turned into the weakest boy you ever seen for weeks. I don't have what it takes anymore

[BipolarGrowth]

Read this whole page — better yet, the whole book if you want real change. https://www.mctb.org/mctb2/table-of-contents/part-iv-insight/30-the-progress-of-insight/3-the-three-characteristics/

[Batman]

@BipolarGrowth Good stuff. Did you buy the book or do you read from the site?

[BipolarGrowth]

17 minutes ago, Batman said:

@BipolarGrowth Good stuff. Did you buy the book or do you read from the site?

I read it from the site. Daniel is a true gift to people who want practical growth. 

[Thought Art]

You are here. This is how the journey begins.

I found the fabulous app to be useful at this phase. 

https://www.thefabulous.co/

[QandC]

Holy shit dude, ever heard of paragraphs?

But yeah, I have been in your place. I am one of those people who has to reach rock bottom to really wake up. I need the external to really confirm how my negative mind affects me. In my experience I got so disgusted with myself and my own behaviour that I just couldn't be that person anymore and the negatives by far outweighed the positives, so I had to change. 

Maybe you need to reach rock bottom as well to realize this, but hopefully not.

Edited August 3, 2021 by QandC

[Vishal Vijeindran]

hehh looks like im not the only one like this...its hard fam really. my casr isnt as severe as yours but i can relate to most of the things you say. what helps me is to just say fuck it and stop listening to my thinking mind. i made a desicion to follow my "purpose" i.e. to reach peace, and just stopped thinking. yes. i stopped thinking and started being. its hard but hey. hell is necessary for heaven

[PepperBlossoms]

It sounds like being in easy mode bothers you.

To get out of easy mode, I suggest completely dropping the weed/alcohol/etc.

Focus on something that is a challenge.  Stop spending time learning and start doing (which yes will require some learning but the intent is to do rather than having the intent just to learn but no doing.)  Learning is easy mode.  Doing is hard mode.

Get off of youtube, off of books, off netflix, off whatever it is you are doing that is enabling you to do easy mode.