Enlightenment as a form of escapism

[Terell Kirby]

Thought I’d share this with the group, as I’ve sometimes fallen into this trap.

In short, we all need to realize that awakening alone will not solve all of the pragmatic complexities of human survival and well-being. I see a lot of forum users communicate in ways in which I can tell that there is lingering trauma, chaos in that person’s life.

You can have a metaphysical and existential understanding of reality, and become frustrated with it because you still are in a low position on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Awakening will serve you maximally when your survival needs are met in a healthy way.

Life is suffering, but it is also beautiful. Life is also eternal, so there is no escaping it. Mold your life into something beautiful on a material level, and your awakening will tie it all together.

Good luck ??

Edited July 27, 2021 by Terell Kirby

[Thought Art]

Yup. 

Everyone is coming into this place from a different spot in life.

I was pursuing enlightenment because I wanted my art to be toetlized. 

I don't really care for material existence or survival. But, It's fucking real for whatever reason.

So, gotta build that foundation.

Having to bite the bullet though makes me scream and want to kill myself because it so fucking boring and grindy.

Edited July 27, 2021 by Thought Art

[Terell Kirby]

@Thought Art you got this!

[Thought Art]

@Terell Kirby Hope so. Been dealing with thoughts of wanting to die the last few days. But, that is really my ego being deeeeeply selfish. Because I just want to play music forever. I just want to sing, and sing and sing and lead Qigong classes, do Yoga. 

I can build this life. But, it's part of the journey. 

I was actually like, super self actualizing 2 years ago...

Then is all fell flat on my face. Women/ people who cheat sexually ruin lives. 

I couldn't think straight I was so angry. Plus, I was losing my balance in other ways. 

I put in all this work on our project with her, and she starts sucking some other guys dick?

Jeez, well, thanks God! What was the point of all that hard work? And then my boss hired her.

Just, totally ruined everything. I was so angry at both of them. It totally ruined everything I was building. 

She didn't respect me at all. I don't trust any of you. Humans are lying sacks of shit sometimes. 

Yet, I know deep down I love you.

So, I've been licking my wounds, building skills, doing trips, going to a therapist.. getting my job prospects up. I am just so fucking creative the idea of having to work for someone makes me want to hang myself in my closet.

All these limiting beliefs, fears, etc plus all the time it takes to work on these other life skills make me frustrated because I know deep down I have so much music in me. Like, SOOOO much. I worked my fucking ass off, and now I am so scared to get back into because it hurt so badly. 

I felt like everything was just ripped away, all the passion and love and it was replaced with this endless raging resentment and anger.

Then, I am trying to wrap my head around Leo's teachings. Which, is hard to do because I only have my own direct experience and all my misinterpretations, and everything. 

Then, I felt like I had all these possible paths to take and the raging fear of picking the wrong passion because I don't want to be poor my whole life. Having to work 6-8 hours a day, and then trying to make something afterwards only lead to poor health. Sure, IT also lead to my success, but that proved to be fleeting and very very painful. 

I never felt so angry in my entire life. I had built something really amazing that was going to help a lot of artists and she starts sleeping with this guy? I mean, fuck you. 

Then I hate myself for being angry, for letting everyone down. 

So, It's not easy. I feel creatively blocked right now. I only have so much time and energy in my life. To really be a great musician... It needs 100% focus, but I don't have that right now because of all the areas of my life that need work. So, I feel confused. 

I don't know why God would be me and not someone else. Why am I this person? I hope shit comes together because, I am not sticking around if my life is just some boring mundane excuse for existence.   

 

"I hurt myself again, along with all my friends, feels like it never ends... here comes the night again..."

 

Edited July 27, 2021 by Thought Art

[Terell Kirby]

@Thought Art thanks for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable.

Instead of dissolving your Ego/sense of self, you may want to find ways to build it up, in a healthy way of course. Universal love starts with self love. Therapy, meditation, yoga and being in nature are good ways..one of many.

Also, pay attention to your self talk. It’s very important, as the easiest thing for us to do is to kick ourselves when we are down.

Book Recommendation: The Six Pillars of Self Esteem 

Edited July 27, 2021 by Terell Kirby

[Thought Art]

18 minutes ago, Terell Kirby said:

@Thought Art thanks for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable.

Instead of dissolving your Ego/sense of self, you may want to find ways to build it up, in a healthy way of course. Universal love starts with self love. Therapy, meditation, yoga and being in nature are good ways..one of many.

Also, pay attention to your self talk. It’s very important, as the easiest thing for us to do is to kick ourselves when we are down.

Book Recommendation: The Six Pillars of Self Esteem 

Yes, I've made a lot of progess with the book.

I will return to it. I don't trust god, other people or myself.

That book has a lot of great stuff in it. I actually use some of the exercises in my daily morning journaling.

I don't wanna end up famous and then make one wrong comment and have my whole career implode. This world is fucked up.

People are fake, like my last roommate. I don't know what it means to be a friend? People demonize you pretty quickly. when he left he said he was lying to me the whole relationship as and was never really my friend. 

And he called me the Zen devil.. Man, people are fake as fuck.

You need to be willing to stand alone in this world. The forgiveness and understanding I will provide others, wont be returned. I don't need to rush into forgiveness just yet. I can be a real person.

I need to stop comparing myself to others, just be present in the moment.

I will develop a healthy ego. Or, I will kill myself. It doesn't matter in the end.

Am I an angel or a devil? Both. 

I don't think God cares about you more than you care about yourself.

Probably because you are God.

 

Edited July 27, 2021 by Thought Art

[puporing]

@Thought Art  wow I feel the same way as you.. just wanting to make music but doesn't really pay (at least for now or the near future). And I can't stand working for most people. Everyone just want me to be a piano teacher lol but I just want to play piano so I guess I gotta put even more work in to make that work. 

Also I found Rupert Spira super helpful when I felt rage/sadness that I can't seem to overcome, like just coming back to my true nature of awareness again usually calms me down.. but I know it's easier said than done. 

[Thought Art]

@puporing "They heard me singing and they told me to stop... quit these pretentious things and just punch in a clock"