Man in an abusive relationship?

[paprika]

I have been together with my wife for 5 years and we have been married for almost 2 years now.  She had a rough childhood (compared to mine at least) and a dysfunctional family that earned her many traumas in the past. She is a highly sensitive person and a perfectionist, and over the years, she developed patterns of controlling and abusive behavior.

She always knows what's better for me.  For example, she cuts my hair but she doesn't let me to go to the barber and change it or else she says I'd look lame, and that's the same for clothing. I cannot cook food for myself unless if I share a portion with her, even if both of us know that she doesn't want to eat it. I like simple but healthy food but that's lame and she always needs something special and I shall not cook only for myself. If she feels herself provoked or attacked, she intensively fights back verbally and sometimes responds with physical aggression (throwing objects, hitting). If I don't want something, she keeps pushing her opinion aggressively and doesn't respect when I say "No" and even explain the reasons to her. She has the "champion of justice" attitude and often picks a fight with random people due to this. We share my small apartment and basically my income (since she couldn't get a job because "the world is so lame and cruel"), I never asked her to pay any of the bills or share the costs but time to time she expresses how she hates the place, which makes me feel bad.

We can discuss all these things, and she sometimes acknowledges her actions and reactions, but it's often very tedious to defend myself and stand up for myself. She always tells me that she doesn't want to hurt me, sometimes cries and talks about regret and blames her family and childhood environment. And then the next day things return to their original state, like we never talked about them. I don't want to be the person who is always rebuked -- I don't consider myself such a bad one that much.

I entered this relationship with love, openness, and being aware many of these things and I consciously wanted to help her to overcome her difficulties and become a better person. She has positively changed a lot in the last few years and living with her also helped me to understand many things about myself and improve both personally and spiritually, get better in assertive communication, be more detached from feelings, and so on.  But recently I started to feel that balance of this relationship became negative on my side: although my wife loves me and praises me for others, I can hardly come up with good thoughts and I often think about the debates we had, and I feel the constraints around myself and that I'm told to be selfish. I'm a "live and let live" kind of a person, but that's not what I get back. I feel that my integrity is getting corrupted. This makes me hard to proceed with the marriage: have children or invest into an upgrade for a more expensive apartment.

Am I also being so highly sensitive here and it's just business as usual, i.e. the man should become a married man hence more responsible, a better fit for a relationship? Or is it unhealthy to stay in such a relationship at all?  Are there any tests or questions that could help me to see what's the case?

[Preety_India]

Seems like a bad marriage.

 

[Eph75]

You need to learn to set and maintain boundaries and being consistent with it. 

Some people simple won't be able to adjust to other's boundaries, and if not, why stay and endure it? 

You sound perfectly self-sustaining except for the inability to stand up for yourself.

Do you see value in the relationship that, if boundaries are set and managed to be maintained, without constant friction and suffrring, are there other things in the relationship that makes it worth investing that effort into? 

If it's all bad, why fight for it?

Also emotional and physical abuse is an absolute NO in a relationship. Don't convince yourself that you should ever tolerate that kind of stuff, and do everything to make it stop, of course in that process maintain self-respect, and never by lowering yourself towards abuse yourself, even if it is hard when getting caught up in the heat of the moment. 

To be honest, life shouldn't be so hard and some people simple aren't willing to invest and maintain a relationship. Both parties need to be invested, not just one, and both needs to work on solving the problems that arise.

Communication around mutual respect is essential. 

Edited July 27, 2021 by Eph75

[JosephKnecht]

Women have strong intuition. They can sense your boundaries(or lack thereof) and can use emotions to manipulate you. Once they know your weakness, you are fucked. Their ego will exploit your weakness to do their bidding.

It sounds like your wife has you around her little finger. She has sensed that you are putting her on a pedestal (maybe because of low self-esteem) and she feels she can do whatever she wants with you.

Just remember, when she does whatever she wants, she loses respect for you. You are not supposed to succumb to her emotional tantrums. As a man, you should be a solid as a rock and cut your hair the way you want.  

Keep in mind that she is this way due to her dysfunctional family history and she doesn't know any better. In order to improve, she needs to do lots of work on self-improvement. 

[Preety_India]

Maybe try telling her that you would divorce her if she doesn't change her behaviour.

 

[Preety_India]

2 hours ago, Eph75 said:

You need to learn to set and maintain boundaries and being consistent with it. 

Some people simple won't be able to adjust to other's boundaries, and if not, why stay and endure it? 

You sound perfectly self-sustaining except for the inability to stand up for yourself.

Do you see value in the relationship that, if boundaries are set and managed to be maintained, without constant friction and suffrring, are there other things in the relationship that makes it worth investing that effort into? 

If it's all bad, why fight for it?

Also emotional and physical abuse is an absolute NO in a relationship. Don't convince yourself that you should ever tolerate that kind of stuff, and do everything to make it stop, of course in that process maintain self-respect, and never by lowering yourself towards abuse yourself, even if it is hard when getting caught up in the heat of the moment. 

To be honest, life shouldn't be so hard and some people simple aren't willing to invest and maintain a relationship. Both parties need to be invested, not just one, and both needs to work on solving the problems that arise.

Communication around mutual respect is essential. 

Hey, can you please help me with this thread

 

 

[Eph75]

@Preety_India Sure, if I can  I'll check it out later today.

[Windappreciator]

Leo will tell you to get out of there.

[Nahm]

@paprika

Why are you trying to change her, really ?

Is that working? If not, what might?

[Harlen Kelly]

7 hours ago, paprika said:

She always knows what's better for me.  For example, she cuts my hair but she doesn't let me to go to the barber and change it or else she says I'd look lame, and that's the same for clothing.

Lol, is this satire!?

[ivankiss]

Men get abused by women, tons. It's not just the other way around.

I love everything @JosephKnecht said. I'd add these thoughts:

When you have been repeatedly humiliated, devalued, shamed, ridiculed, manipulated, played and betrayed - by the one person you call 'the love of your life' - you are being stripped away of this thing called 'dignity'. And without that; you cannot be a man. 

Men must be proud and stand tall. They must not doubt the steps they're taking. The poison you got infected by, is just that. Infinite self-doubt. Lack of self-respect. Self-trust. Self-care. Self-love. Shattered self-esteem. Poor self-image.

And all of that is caused by the above mentioned. By the hands of your lover.

Sad but true.

The firs step in reclaiming your power and masculinity... is walking out that door and never looking back. And that... is but a beginning of a long and painful healing journey. That's where you grow your balls out.

[Emerald]

Leave the relationship. Abusers rarely change. And I wouldn't hold out on her changing.

It's a bitter pill to swallow, but you will be abused for the rest of your life if you stay with her. 

And you are not helping her by staying with her. 

[hoodrow trillson]

Run for the hills and never look back.  Get yourself someone worth a damn that would allow you to go to a barber shop.

 

[Eph75]

@JosephKnecht

@ivankiss

❤️

5 hours ago, Emerald said:

Leave the relationship. Abusers rarely change. And I wouldn't hold out on her changing.

@paprika Even if this could be the action that releiviates the symptom, this is not the solution or cure. 

The key importance here is not her to change, but for something in you to change. Regardless of staying or leaving, you still have work to do, and that work will ensure healthier relationships in the future.

Right now, right here, is the perfect setup for an impactful learning experience 

 

[kellyjo]

It seems to me that your wife needs psychological help. And if this does not help, then such a marriage is doomed.

[robbinsarle]

I think you should consider getting a divorce. It is simply convenient for your wife to shift all the blame onto the family and the environment. Think about yourself

[Nahm]

When your narrative upon what you’re experiencing ceases (literally your entire story about a “her”, and all therein), she experiences with clarity that she is feeling her own perspectives. Until then, you confuse your selves so to speak, & continue believing you confuse each other. That is the confusion. This clarity is present and available sitting next to her, or in an ashram. Always up to you. 

[ivankiss]

@Nahm Curious, have you directly experienced serious abuse in relationships?

[Nahm]

@ivankiss

Yes. In childhood and adulthood, emotionally & physically speaking. 

No, because I was innocently and later ignorantly reacting & projecting that I was being asserted upon. 

[ivankiss]

@Nahm Thought so. Just wanted to check if you had both sides of the coin covered - so to speak.

Would you agree then, that freeing yourself is not just about the cessation of the story in one's mind, but that there is also massive action to be taken. Courage to muster up. Faith to cultivate. Etc...?