What is death?

[Anahata]

Just now, Thought Art said:

Money

You got the answer then. Focus your time & energy to make money for now. Then, enjoy creating whatever you wanna dream about here.

[VeganAwake]

49 minutes ago, Thought Art said:

@Terell Kirby I do not hold all the cards. If you haven't notice, you have very little freedom.

Part of living a good life is the relationships you form with others. But, people are lying assholes. Not everyone.. anyway. These are thoughts for my journal. Take care. 

Yes people are caught up in the rat race trying to survive... It's not right or wrong it's just what's apparently happening. They simply can't help but put their self agenda as priority for survival because they believe they're a real separate individual within the body.

When this is seen clearly there can be a loosening up of the seriousness of life.... kind of like getting into a really good movie but knowing they are just actors playing out a drama.

But start with seeing this within yourself first. ❤

[Thought Art]

@Anahata The problem is I'll be too old soon. 

What if I feel like I've lived long enough? I think a lot of the opportunities I have had are squandered. I am not sure there is much left to do but this mindless loop of a wage slave. 

Life is complex. I wish the loving god made something a little more loving for me to experience.

I've dealt with depression and anxiety my entire life. So much suffering. 

I just have to make it through this phase I think. 

I don't know what opportunities will come next. Life has surprised me in the past.

The depression kind of de-rails me. I don't really trust reality enough to put my heart into my life purpose so I find myself settling and trying to make the best of the situation. I don't trust myself, my mind, other people or any source of information any more. It's all so limited and my ability to apply information I don't trust either.

I just want to be Arcadefire tbh, and tour the world. But, I am this person.

I fear I am going to die without having lived up to my full potential as a musician. But, I am like crippled by fear and movies of terrible outcomes. Maybe, It's better safe than sorry. Just stay out of the limelight.

Edited July 27, 2021 by Thought Art

[Breakingthewall]

@Thought Art You are depressed now man, it's a shit, but I would say that by now you know very well that all those thoughts that overwhelm you are absolutely nothing. it's just what you are choosing right now to tell yourself. With half an hour of meditation you can make the bubble burst and see the unreality of all those ideas. It does not matter if you are 25 or 83 and 20 illnesses, it is at this exact moment when you choose to bombard yourself with shit or enjoy the moment empty of content

[Thought Art]

@Breakingthewall I want to be successful so bad.

I hate all of this. 

I have a reading week coming up next week. I was gonna do a song writing retreat, but now I am thinking of just doing meditation, Qigong, journaling and spend a week out in nature.  I feel grounded. I just feel, frustrated with external circumstances and these thoughts that life is going to fuck me up like it has for the last 25 years. I've come so close so many times to success, but I get in my own way. I am only getting older.

I just gotta go through this phase of my life. My last chapter ended it catastrophic failure, I've been working on exploring new areas of life, building a stronger foundation for myself. I want to be a musician, but, it feels like a double edged sword. There are so many areas of my life that need work. These depressions have been with me since I was 10 years old. Could be my adhd. I grew up around a lot of mental illness (anxiety, depression, aloholism). 

Teaching Qigong bring a lot of joy to myself and others. I need to be patient.

Arcadefire is my inspiration... Wow, I think wow. I don't know how to get to that level of musicianship. I feel like time is passing me by. I've put in so many hours into practice etc. But, I feel like the basics of life are taking up all my focus and time. I feel like my inner artist has died. I know it's there somewhere. I just, my head is all blocked... 

The ashes of everything now... 

"I'm im the black again... not coming back again..."

I've been wanting to smoke weed again, but I am looking for a sober mind 99% of the time. I might smoke the odd joint, or do 5meo once a month. But, really the core of my work needs to be me facing my limiting thoughts, and living conciously with my sleep, nutrition, work ethic, finances, sexuality etc.

I run these nightmares in my mind where everyone thinks I am a pervert, racist or a bad person. It's been torturing me and it just ruins my ability to envision a powerful life.

I need to trust people.  I need to trust myself.

I don't really understand what is God or what is reality. 

The 5meodmt trips I've done seem to be pointing to something, but maybe that is just my Ego? probably. 

I feel a bit overwhelmed. But, I will work through it.

Edited July 27, 2021 by Thought Art

[Breakingthewall]

@Thought Art @Thought Art It may seem to you that this mountain of shit is very real, I have been under the weight of the mountain of shit until very recently, until one day it was deactivated. on a mushroom trip by the way. I realized the emptiness of reality, and in a moment the whirlwind spinning in my mind became completely harmless. it completely lost its venom, and strangely enough it was permanent. continue with the work, go deeper, in the end the ego is deactivated, they are not stories. the gain in quality of life is priceless