Growing sense of being an outcast/misfit in life and it hurts

[Vrubel]

This is going to be a somewhat openhearted and vulnerable share on my part but I feel I need to do this. My apologies in advance if this post seems randomly structured or somewhat torn in contradictions, see it as a reflection of my struggles here.

I am 24 years old and extremely introverted. In my teens, I got disillusioned with my friends and became a kind of a misfit loner. since then I have struggled with feelings of insecurity and shame for it. Though I did went through a lot of (and I can even say massive) personal growth in my young adult life, this made me think that I overcame most of my petty insecurities and angst. 
But in the last few years, I started doing psychedelics, and more recently since the spring I also started approaching women in the streets. This has resurfaced a more serious and existential sense of outcastness for me. Like at times I literally feel like a crazy person and it makes me feel ashamed.

I actually have an uncle who is very spiritual-minded but mentally ill and he is a real f*cking outcast, like in the ugliest and most hardcore sense of the word. My parents are tacitly afraid I will end up like him. At times I cannot help but to understand their fear. 

On the very first psychedelic trip that I had (three years ago), I cried for having lived my life so alone and I got a new massive appreciation for my loving family, which up until that point I underappreciated. They are the only people in life I truly trust and deeply care about. 

Forgive my superstitious language but I feel like it's my fate is to be alone. My whole teenage and young-adult life I struggled against this fate only to suffer in the process. The more I have let go the more inner peace I gained. I thought that my surrender was complete and last year, the pandemic year was actually the most peaceful year I ever had.
Though this year is different. This year I have set the goal for myself to be more social and to date more girls because I am not done with those experiences and I do not want to waste my youth in that regard. But ultimately I know that I do not want a family of my own and I have no desire for friends. 

Lately, I was having a pleasant dream of laughing with some old colleagues, which were one of the few people in life I enjoyed spending time with. Also in that dream, I was validated by pretty girls. Nothing sexual but they gave me a sense that I belonged, was respectable and most of all: normal. 

The dream was noticeably in contrast to how I feel in waking life.

Typing this made me cry, I feel overwhelmed by life and sorry for myself. 

If you had comparable experiences and life paths I would love to hear from you.

 

 

[KaRzual]

41 minutes ago, Vrubel said:

This year I have set the goal for myself to be more social

 

41 minutes ago, Vrubel said:

But ultimately I know that I do not want a family of my own and I have no desire for friends

Well you either eat or have that cake. As hard as it have to be for you you seem to have an inner conflict or contradiction at least. 

Why would you set a goal for yourself to be more social if you have no desire to have friends? 

[Arcangelo]

3 hours ago, Vrubel said:

I also started approaching women in the streets. This has resurfaced a more serious and existential sense of outcastness for me. Like at times I literally feel like a crazy person

Yes PU is like that. Since no one does it you feel like a crazy person.

I am you 18 years in the future. You wanna know your future?

[Nahm]

The dream was noticeably in contrast to how I feel the thoughts I focus on in “waking life”.

[Vrubel]

3 hours ago, KaRzual said:

Well you either eat or have that cake. As hard as it have to be for you you seem to have an inner conflict or contradiction at least. 

Why would you set a goal for yourself to be more social if you have no desire to have friends? 

I still need to be social in order to have a dating life. Also for my professional life, I need to start going to events and build up connections. But ultimately I have a vision of ending up alone. 

Edited July 26, 2021 by Vrubel

[Vrubel]

56 minutes ago, Arcangelo said:

Yes PU is like that. Since no one does it you feel like a crazy person.

I am you 18 years in the future. You wanna know your future?

Haha, please tell.

[RendHeaven]

4 hours ago, Vrubel said:

Forgive my superstitious language but I feel like it's my fate is to be alone.

I feel this way myself, even after taking massive action to remedy my social shortcomings, building a high-caliber social circle, and dating the girl of my dreams.

There is a deep metaphysical Truth in the fact of solitude. So don't dismiss your alone-ness as an error to be fixed. Life will always have the flavoring of emptiness/loneliness no matter how full or connected it is: and this design is Just, Good, and Beautiful.

But I am coming from a very advanced place when I say this. I've gone through the whole journey of learning charisma, earning friends and societal validation, all that jazz. I don't recommend that you skip this step. It's necessary to have your needs met before you can transcend them, otherwise you end up unintegrated.

I guess I'm just sharing this to remind you that there is nothing wrong with you.

You're perfectly on the journey that you're meant to be on. One foot forward at a time