Anger

[Rishabh R]

@Leo GuraWhat to do if your past girlfriend cheated on you by flirting with other boy.I feel constantly angry for this .I just woke up with the angry mood with the image in my head of she flirting with someone else . What to do ?

[Parththakkar12]

There's gonna be a bunch of people saying 'It's her choice, she gets to do what she wants to do, you have no reason to be angry, you can't or shouldn't  be angry, how dare you be angry, she only cheated but your sin of being angry is worse than her cheating, women can do whatever they want and you don't get to be angry or else you're a misogynist' but we all know what's going on there!

In case you don't, that's shaming for being angry. And having boundaries in relationship. So that they get to exploit you and manipulate you.

Edited July 26, 2021 by Parththakkar12

[Roy]

Peace is to be found within the truth. And you can't be angry when you're peaceful. The truth is you had zero control over her, and will always have zero control over anyone.

So what's rational about being so emotional over that which you have no control over? She is the one who did the deed, not you. It would be rational if you were angry at yourself for your own mistake, not the other way around.

[Preety_India]

@Rishabh R cheating is a very hurtful experience. I have experienced that in my past relationship. It can be very intense especially when the partner hides it from you and you figure it out later.

So I can understand your anger.

But it seems your anger has sadly turned into a trauma. This can turn into torture. You could be literally torturing yourself with such images. Be aware how this is impacting you.

This trauma can turn into a cycle and then become an addiction where it will keep hurting you over and over.

One thing that I did was I put my ex on full blast after I discovered his cheating. I turned up the heat and let out all my anger at him by saying everything I wanted to say. This way I got the opportunity to throw my anger at him right after the situation and then be done with it.

Holding the anger would have caused me immense pain. So I kept roasting him for days and days and he kept listening to me patiently. He thought I would go back to him and he was waiting for the roasting to get over.

I roasted him for full 7 days - verbal barking.

After releasing all my anger at him, I packed my bags and left him.

This was important for my mental health because keeping that anger is not good.

So let it out. Write it down.

 I did a lot of name calling to my boyfriend that is ex boyfriend. If you can't talk to your ex then write it down somewhere and release all that anger.

I cried a lot ???? for another whole month, screamed, kicked into pillow..maybe it's difficult for you to kick into pillow then kick into something that feels hard for you. Punch something that won't hurt.

Release all that anger. 

It takes 2 month period in my estimate, if you are highly emotional like me to keep releasing that anger. It's like a vomiting process.Keep vomiting out that anger. Writing in a private diary is a good way of releasing Emotions and how much you hate that person for hurting you.

Be careful though. 

Once you have screamed, kicked, punched and written and released everything and emptied your anger, you have to calm down otherwise this anger can consume you.

Once you have calmed down, then try forgiveness.

After two months of screaming kicking into pillow and lots of crying and bad mouthing my ex, I texted him and told him that I forgive him. I completely forgave him.

This is very important because it's not good to hold that revenge or grudge inside. Because it's like trapping them into this anger/grudge. It's time to release that person.

He felt good that I  forgave him and he was relieved and relaxed. 

Because I can suddenly die one day in an accident and he will be left without forgiveness. That will be a spiritual problem. Before it turns into a spiritual problem, forgive that person as the last stage. 

Then watch Leo's video on forgiveness and letting go.

First releasing the anger is important. Forgive only after all the anger is emptied on that person. 

Once you have forgjven,you'll feel a sense of internal peace..

Once you reach this stage then try to forget that person completely. Remove every item that reminds you of that person (any gift/letter etc) 

Now move on with your life and accept that bad things happen and it's spiritually outside your control.

Find a partner who is less likely to cheat although this is difficult, even I struggle with this.

The problem is that there is no 100% guarantee how a person will behave in a relationship. 

A relationship is like gambling.

That's why you should not be too Emotionally attached early on..

Try to check how the person behaves with you. If they give early signs of cheating like flirting or talking too much about others, make it clear to them that you have strong boundaries and then leave them.

With me the problem was that I had already seen red flags like flirting etc but I didn't take it seriously. I didn't establish boundaries. 

So it went on and l kinda remained oblivious..

There are always warning signs. Like lack of commitment. 

But even then it's not easy. 

Sometimes people flirt but they don't cheat. It's tricky.

Like I have flirted while being in a relationship because I'm naturally flirty person yet I'm extremely loyal and never had the thought to cheat.

But there are people who don't openly flirt yet they cheat behind your back.

So it's really about moral integrity and character.

You need a high value person to value your relationship. Only then they won't cheat.

Sadly we are now living in a society where people rarely value relationships. They justify cheating or simply don't care. 

People make fake promises of loyalty and don't keep the trust. And that's absolutely crushing and hurtful 

I have been through that process. It is devastating. Nothing but to accept reality.

And just keep looking for honest loyal people, hard to find though 

That's why I am currently not looking for a relationship. I am scared that it will happen again. And I want to be with someone who is loyal. That was always my number one priority.

 

Edited July 26, 2021 by Preety_India

[Leo Gura]

@Rishabh R She didn't even cheat on you, did she?

You're just stewing in pettiness and victim mentality.

Go talk to other girls and forget about that one.

It should make no difference in your mind who your girl flirts with. Let her have sex with whoever she wants. Why do you care?

The only reason you care is because you don't have abundance, you're stuck in scarcity. And you're too lazy to take action to develop abundance. So really you are angry at yourself for making yourself a victim.

[Preety_India]

5 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

@Rishabh R She didn't even cheat on you, did she?

You're just stewing in pettiness and victim mentality.

Go talk to other girls and forget about that one.

It should make no difference in your mind who your girl flirts with. Let her have sex with whoever she wants. Why do you care?

The only reason you care is because you don't have abundance, you're stuck in scarcity. And you're too lazy to take action to develop abundance. So really you are angry at yourself for making yourself a victim.

How can a person be in a relationship and not be hurt by a cheating partner? It's not an open relationship after all. Pickup is whole nother ball game..

[Leo Gura]

21 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

How can a person be in a relationship and not be hurt by a cheating partner? It's not an open relationship after all. Pickup is whole nother ball game..

Cheating happens very rarely.

The issue here is not cheating, it's just a fundamental insecurity and scarcity. It's an inner game problem.

This girl didn't even cheat on him, yet he's already acting butt-hurt as if she did.

I don't care if my girl cheats on me because if she wants to do that, she clearly isn't meant to be with me. So there is no reason to care. Besides which, I feel high-value enough that the idea that a girl would cheat on me is just silly. It would be like throwing away a lottery ticket. If she wants to do that, let her. I have no need for such a dumb girl.

This is the mindset a man needs. Literally do not care what she does. Let her do whatever she wants. What you'll find is that she senses this and becomes even more loyal. And the ones who don't appreciate you just go their own way.

Women can smell security and insecurity from a mile away, like bloodhounds. Eliminate all your insecurities. Do not allow thoughts of cheating to even enter your mind. If it ever happens you'll just find a new, better girl.

The reality is, once you build yourself into a high-value man, thoughts of women cheating on you will not even cross your mind, because you know you're the prize every girl dreams of.

So the solution here is to build yourself into a high-value man. Your life needs to be so good and full that girls are just the cherry on top.

[Preety_India]

7 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Cheating happens very rarely.

The issue here is not cheating, it's just a fundamental insecurity and scarcity. It's an inner game problem.

This girl didn't even cheat on him, yet he's already acting butt-hurt as if she did.

I don't care if my girl cheats on me because if she wants to do that, she clearly isn't meant to be with me. So there is no reason to care. Besides which, I feel high-value enough that the idea that a girl would cheat on me is just silly. It would be like throwing away a lottery ticket. If she wants to do that, let her. I have no need for such a dumb girl.

This is the mindset a man needs. Literally do not care what she does. Let her do whatever she wants. What you'll find is that she senses this and becomes even more loyal. And the ones who don't appreciate you just go their own way.

Women can smell security and insecurity from a mile away, like bloodhounds. Eliminate all your insecurities. Do allow thoughts of cheating to even enter your mind.

Yes sir !! Self esteem lessons I need to pick from you. (Although I'm not a man but similar applies to women)

 

[Rishabh R]

@Leo GuraI took steps and talked to many girls after she was gone but what about the mental images that come in my mind of her flirting with another guy comes in my mind .How to heal that as it results in anger  ?

[Depersonilized]

 

[Leo Gura]

15 minutes ago, Rishabh R said:

@Leo GuraI took steps and talked to many girls after she was gone but what about the mental images that come in my mind of her flirting with another guy comes in my mind .How to heal that as it results in anger  ?

Letting go is how.

It's a practice:

https://www.actualized.org/articles/the-power-of-letting-go

I would also point you to my videos about Forgiveness, however your case is so mild that it does not even warrant forgiveness because she didn't even cheat on you, so there's nothing to forgive.

Yours is a problem of insecurity, scarcity, and attachment.

You gotta work on your inner game.

[RendHeaven]

32 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Women can smell security and insecurity from a mile away, like bloodhounds.

Yeah... we all learn this the hard way, don't we.

@Rishabh R Snap out of it bro. You're the man!

[Rishabh R]

And also I have many issues besides my personal life like my friends once bullied me ,one teacher hurted me .Now is the case that I am in a good collage (persuing Biotechnology engineering)and the girl that I mentioned and also the friends who bullied me are taking 2nd year drop after their 12th standard for preparing for medical entrance exam .My career is also going well by I don't understand that why do l feel hurt by obsessive thoughts .Even going to the mental health professionals hasn't cured me .

[Rishabh R]

Now after meditating,contemplating and listening to Binueral Beats for sometime it is feeling better .

[Karmadhi]

Leo is right OP, she did not even cheat with you.

Girls might do that to either test you or just do it without thinking about it. Guys do it all the time too, again it is done without being aware of it. Imagine the scenes in movies where the hot girl comes and the married guy looses the ability to talk straight to her. That is not much nicer than a girl flirting a bit with someone else.

Also, the issue is that you need to work more with yourself. Girls are ruthless if you are not on top of your shit, that unconditional love bullshit will not fly in the real world. If you get complacent then she might do stuff like this. Or she is just a bad egg and not worth being in your life and does not deserve your loyalty. In that case find someone who will appreciate you more. Work on yourself for yourself, not to keep the girl.

[Preety_India]

I automatically assumed that your ex girlfriend had been cheating. However if she was simply flirting, That's not cheating. 

Cheating would be if she had an affair or relationship with someone else while being your girlfriend. If she had been sleeping with that person. 

Cheating is when a person is in a relationship and is still sleeping with someone else outside of the relationship.

Usually this happens in secret. And gets discovered later. 

If your ex girlfriend hasn't had sex with another guy during your relationship with her, then technically she did not cheat on you.

There's also a milder version of sexual cheating and that can be called emotional cheating where the partner develops feelings for someone else but hasn't cheated sexually. However this is just as hurtful as conventional cheating.

[Michael569]

8 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Cheating happens very rarely.

The issue here is not cheating, it's just a fundamental insecurity and scarcity. It's an inner game problem.

This girl didn't even cheat on him, yet he's already acting butt-hurt as if she did.

I don't care if my girl cheats on me because if she wants to do that, she clearly isn't meant to be with me. So there is no reason to care. Besides which, I feel high-value enough that the idea that a girl would cheat on me is just silly. It would be like throwing away a lottery ticket. If she wants to do that, let her. I have no need for such a dumb girl.

This is the mindset a man needs. Literally do not care what she does. Let her do whatever she wants. What you'll find is that she senses this and becomes even more loyal. And the ones who don't appreciate you just go their own way.

Women can smell security and insecurity from a mile away, like bloodhounds. Eliminate all your insecurities. Do not allow thoughts of cheating to even enter your mind. If it ever happens you'll just find a new, better girl.

The reality is, once you build yourself into a high-value man, thoughts of women cheating on you will not even cross your mind, because you know you're the prize every girl dreams of.

So the solution here is to build yourself into a high-value man. Your life needs to be so good and full that girls are just the cherry on top.

damn, that's a powerful perspective

[RickyFitts]

Yeah, just the fact that you consider her flirting with another guy to be cheating suggests some major insecurity and possessiveness on your part. Don't get me wrong, I probably wouldn't be delighted in your shoes either, but calling it cheating is just extreme.

[Nahm]

On 7/25/2021 at 9:48 PM, Rishabh R said:

What to do ?

Is there someone in your life, from your childhood, who stands out as always under control, got everything in life in order & clicking, doesn’t get knocked off their equanimity, always knows what to do & say etc?