It was supposed to be a one-night-stand

[siasatmadar]

I live in Helsinki, and a few weeks ago I went on vacation to another country. During my trip, I turned on dating apps and finally got a match. I said to her that I'm staying in their city for just a few days and we can have a one-night-stand. We grabbed a drink and she came to my home. Even though it was my first sex, it went really well! (I'm 24 and migrated here around 6 months ago). The next day, she texted me and said she enjoyed last night. We slept again that night.

After that, I had to return. We've been in contact since then. The problem is that the experience of having sex and being emotionally connected to a beautiful girl was so great to me to the point that I can't stop thinking about her. I feel so down now cuz I can't kiss her again. it was an uncommon experience for me. I believe that in the near future I won't have the chance to meet another wonderful girl that we can go along with each other and have sex so quickly.

Now I'm in a state of grief. I feel depressed and life seems meaningless. Spending time with my friends, doing sports activities and talking to my therapist didn't help much. Why is life hard?  I'm thinking about suicide here and there as a way to avoid all of the difficulties in life.

I know the rational thing to do is to move on, talk to other girls, and find a more wonderful girlfriend. But I'm hopeless and don't have enough energy to even get out of my bed in the morning.

[flowboy]

8 minutes ago, siasatmadar said:

I said to her that I'm staying in their city for just a few days and we can have a one-night-stand

Smooth

 

8 minutes ago, siasatmadar said:

I'm thinking about suicide here and there as a way to avoid all of the difficulties in life.

If you want to be taken seriously, don't be so dramatic.

 

8 minutes ago, siasatmadar said:

But I'm hopeless and don't have enough energy to even get out of my bed in the morning.

If that's really true, then your therapy is not working and you should seek a different therapist who can actually help you.

 

Also, seek out the friendship of other men. It sounds like you have a lack of masculine influence in your life. Is that true? What's your relationship with your father like?

Edited July 24, 2021 by flowboy

[siasatmadar]

4 minutes ago, flowboy said:

If that's really true, then your therapy is not working and you should seek a different therapist who can actually help you.

My therapist told me that she expected that I fall into the state of grief since I have little experience with girls. 

4 minutes ago, flowboy said:

Also, seek out the friendship of other men. It sounds like you have a lack of masculine influence in your life. Is that true? What's your relationship with your father like?

I don't know, It's a new concept to me. I talk with him rarely (my parents live in another country). He is a fearful man with lots of insecurities, like his son!

[WonderSeeker]

13 minutes ago, siasatmadar said:

I know the rational thing to do is to move on, talk to other girls, and find a more wonderful girlfriend. But I'm hopeless and don't have enough energy to even get out of my bed in the morning.

@siasatmadar In the mid-term, you'll pull through this phase. It can happen in as little as a few days. For me I was depressed just 2 months ago. I had heartache. I felt like I was no good socially and that I'd never get this "women-thing" handled. Now I'm approaching women in public and gaining social momentum by being around people as much as I possibly can. 

Do your best to be grateful for the experience that you created with that women. It seems like you left her in a better state than you found her, and you got to experience sex for the first time. Good for you! I think as men we tend to be too hard on ourselves. I'd say just nurture yourself for a little while man. Get a notepad and do some emotional journaling to transfer the crap in your head onto paper and then burn the paper. 

From one brother to another, you've got this. 

[flowboy]

7 minutes ago, siasatmadar said:

I don't know, It's a new concept to me. I talk with him rarely (my parents live in another country). He is a fearful man with lots of insecurities, like his son!

Ah, well that explains a lot.

I feel for you man. Every person needs a healthy masculine influence, as well as a healthy feminine influence.

Men learn how to be men from their father.

If your dad is a fearful man with insecurities, then it's no wonder that you don't have the tools to handle this situation.

I could tell you "just get over it and pick yourself up bro" but that only works if you had a good example of healthy masculinity.

 

Here's some things that could help:

1. Primal therapy (yes, specifically "primal therapy", see if that's available to you. I know a great provider that helped me a lot)
2. Seeking out friendships with guys. Preferably healthy guys who you like, get along with, and want to be(come) like
3. Martial arts training could be an idea.

Edited July 24, 2021 by flowboy

[WonderSeeker]

3 minutes ago, siasatmadar said:

I talk with him rarely (my parents live in another country). He is a fearful man with lots of insecurities, like his son!

 

[siasatmadar]

6 minutes ago, WonderSeeker said:

@siasatmadar In the mid-term, you'll pull through this phase. It can happen in as little as a few days. For me I was depressed just 2 months ago. I had heartache. I felt like I was no good socially and that I'd never get this "women-thing" handled. Now I'm approaching women in public and gaining social momentum by being around people as much as I possibly can. 

Do your best to be grateful for the experience that you created with that women. It seems like you left her in a better state than you found her, and you got to experience sex for the first time. Good for you! I think as men we tend to be too hard on ourselves. I'd say just nurture yourself for a little while man. Get a notepad and do some emotional journaling to transfer the crap in your head onto paper and then burn the paper. 

From one brother to another, you've got this. 

Glad to hear that you moved on. Yeah it was a rich experience. Thanks man, I hope that passing time helps me and I start approaching again.

[siasatmadar]

4 minutes ago, flowboy said:

Ah, well that explains a lot.

I feel for you man. Every person needs a healthy masculine influence, as well as a healthy feminine influence.

Men learn how to be men from their father.

If your dad is a fearful man with insecurities, then it's no wonder that you don't have the tools to handle this situation.

I could tell you "just get over it and pick yourself up bro" but that only works if you had a good example of healthy masculinity.

So men without a strong father should go to hell? Even that I have born in a small city with close-minded people in a third-world country, I've made a lot of progress compared to my previous self. 

[flowboy]

48 minutes ago, siasatmadar said:

So men without a strong father should go to hell? Even that I have born in a small city with close-minded people in a third-world country, I've made a lot of progress compared to my previous self. 

Not at all man. There is just some healing to do.

I didn't have a father that was strong in all the ways I needed him to be.

As a consequence, I had a hard time with women.

Everything is great now though.

Some healing needed to be done.
 

That's why I gave you those tips.