Feeling The Urge To Return To Pua

[Elzhi]

I quit doing pickup back in July after attending a PUA event which left me incredibly disillusioned. After quitting, I spiraled into a deep depression unlike none I have ever had before. I couldn't even bring myself to meditate anymore since then and was struggling to find a reason to go on living afterwards. I didn't want a girlfriend, I didn't want to be popular, I didn't want more clothes, I didn't care about success, and came to hate socializing. Even now I still avoid socializing whenever possible and have distanced myself almost all my friends. 

Over the course of those three months, I finished the remainder of Jed Mckenna's Enlightenment series, and began seeking, like for real. I also bought Haunted Universe about a month ago. Between the time when I quit pickup and began seeking enlightenment, I've also had many emotional epiphanies which led me to a deeper and deeper understandings of the nature of enlightenment as well as an out of body experience which led me to believe i was some sort of "ghost driving a body suit". Very deep, frightening insights, but I wouldn't consider my current state to be "abiding nondual awareness". 

I think this entire time, I was expecting enlightenment to save me from the inner demons that were let loose when I decided to quit PUA. I was so miserable that I said to myself, "Either enlightenment or nothing else (suicide)." I was incredibly angry. But now, having come to understand that life is a dream, truly understanding it and understanding how ego functions, the idea of suicide seems fucking stupid. Enlightenment just seems pointless now and I now have the urge to start bolstering my ego again like I did when I was a PUA, mostly out of boredom, sexual frustration, and other egoic reasons.

However, I almost can't bring myself to do this, because not only would it feel like a huge step backward, but I have also come to hate socializing and have no motivation do so unless some outside force compels me to do so. I struggle with a lot doublethink, cognitive dissonance and ambivalence. On the one hand, I don't want a girlfriend and understand that I'm neither qualified or motivated to play the role of "alpha male" yet my ego is salivating at the thought of this. On one hand, I'm antimaterialistic (not that it's better than materialism) and on the other hand, I want new jackets,  shoes, and whatnot. On on hand, I don't care too much about how my life ends up yet on the other hand, I want to be successful, have a good job, etc.

Is the "ego death" i thought I was undergoing recently just depression? Is it just my DNA driving me to go out and do shit? Should I really be a PUA again? What do I make of this?

[Frogfucius]

4 hours ago, Elzhi said:

But now, having come to understand that life is a dream, truly understanding it and understanding how ego functions, the idea of suicide seems fucking stupid. Enlightenment just seems pointless now and I now have the urge to start bolstering my ego again like I did when I was a PUA, mostly out of boredom, sexual frustration, and other egoic reasons.

No, you don't understand that life is a dream, or how the ego functions. Thinking you understand something doesn't mean you actually understand it. Calling enlightenment "pointless" and thinking you need to "bolster your ego" are  more bullshit thoughts you're using to make yourself feel better.

You are what you seek. Nothing needs to be done, man. Quit resisting reality and just flow with it.

[Leo Gura]

@Elzhi Yes, you're very far from understanding that life is dream. You're lost in your life story more than ever. What you're experiencing is an ego backlash just as you're taking the first step on a journey of 1,000,000 steps. Already the ego is recoiling and back-peddling.

If you're gonna pursue enlightenment, do it gently, with self-compassion. Stop this self-hatred nonsense. Enlightenment has nothing to do with that.

It doesn't really seem like you're mature enough yet to pursue enlightenment. You probably just need to do some basic personal development before you can successfully navigate enlightenment work.

And if you're gonna pursue enlightenment, study the field more than just through McKenna's books. His perspective on enlightenment is quite limited and incomplete. You're gonna need a much deeper conceptual understanding of the field to navigate it successfully.

[Kserkkj]

3 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

And if you're gonna pursue enlightenment, study the field more than just through McKenna's books. His perspective on enlightenment is quite limited and incomplete. You're gonna need a much deeper conceptual understanding of the field to navigate it successfully.

Can you open my mind with some examples please, he claims to be completely enlightened, and I'm pretty much absorbing everything he says. 

P.S. Do you think he's an enlightened rube? xDD Oh an also, why is it necessary to have a deeper conceptual understanding, I thought a lesser understanding is rather helpful for discovering and navigating truth???

Edited November 23, 2016 by Kserkkj

[Leo Gura]

@Kserkkj He may be completely enlightened, but if all you do is follow his books, you're gonna misunderstand 90% of what this work is about. His books are ONE piece of the conceptual puzzle. They are not going to give you all the information you need, because they are not written as enlightenment manuals, but more as polemics and stories. Him ranting about stuff and being cheeky is of limited value to you understanding how to do deep consciousness work.

[Elzhi]

@Leo Gura @Leo Gura @Kserkkj

[Elzhi]

@Leo Gura Although I would agree that I am lost in life, I wouldn't say that I lack the maturity to pursue enlightenment. I've been doing self development for ay least three years now, two of those following you. I would at least consider myself an intermediate. 

My study of enlightenment theory also is not limited to Jed Mckenna especially since his tone is radically different from Tolle who is the first teacher I ever followed. I've also followed Spira, Swan, Krishnamuri, Young, Norquist, Adyashanti, Sadguru, etc. Lots of parallels but different still. All of the pretty much say what @Frogfucius said which is just lip service at this point. 

In any case my intense yearning for death has been caused more so by my intense hatred of existence which lasted for at two months. I come in and out of it. The thought of working for another 60 or 70 years for no reason other than to survive and reproduce disgusts and frightens  Maybe that's "immature" but that does make it any less real. The clock on humanity is running out pretty soon anyway because of greed and ignorance.

My interpretation of life being a dream is that people don't "die", the fade in and our of existence much like how a person fades in and out of a dream. Once I do fade out of existence, there's really no telling where "i" might end up next. There's not really anywhere to go because I'm everywhere and everything but that's just my intellectual understanding. I don't claim to be enlightened or on the brink of it, I'm just saying most of these things make sense conceptually. 

In retrospect, there's not any real reason for me to ask for your help or anyone else's because Im on my own either way. Im well aware that my ego is the one who is deceiving me and suicide is a lie and blah blah blah I get it. I get all this stuff conceptually but I'm not free from the confines of ego. I still have to exist and do things that I hate. And yes I know that is ego too. Anyways, that's my two cents.

 

[Pramit]

24 minutes ago, Elzhi said:

In retrospect, there's not any real reason for me to ask for your help or anyone else's because Im on my own either way. Im well aware that my ego is the one who is deceiving me and suicide is a lie and blah blah blah I get it. I get all this stuff conceptually but I'm not free from the confines of ego. I still have to exist and do things that I hate. And yes I know that is ego too. Anyways, that's my two cents.

 

why is it that every time i hear someone struggling, it reminds me of my own struggle? I can relate so well to this, it is what i am facing as well. One step at a time i guess, and enjoy the journey while i'm at it. Even if its painful, it will pass, as will all my experiences. 

[AlwaysBeNice]

You don't desire to pick up girls and have sex.

You desire to be the true you, the happy child like authentic you.

Though the path has many paths, I think you could get there running after women but it's pace probably won't compare by focusing on inner/consciousness work as well, and thus try to combine the 2. There's nothing wrong with socializing and sex, but if you see the other world as your solution to your problems (including partners), you will be disappointed.

Not to mention, there is no bigger attraction than someone who is being himself, it's what we all strive to be, and we instinctively know that people who are themselves can teach us into being it more so.