Struggling with psychologically triggered erectile dysfunction

[museumoftrees]

Hey. I'm in my early twenties, i'm physically fit and eat healthy most of the time. I don't watch porn, don't smoke, don't do drugs, etc. But sometimes, when i'm with chicks, I have troubles getting strong erections, especially before i'm penetrating her. If I succeed in not thinking too much about the anxiety of not being hard and stay excited long enough to where we both have our clothes off and I can put on a condom without becoming anxious and start to fuck her then I will be hard like a horse and there won't be a problem. However if I think too much about not being able to get hard I will become instantaneously soft just before it's time for penetration and I will spiral into feelings of shame. I know that my erectile dysfunction is caused by an anxiety to perform and to be hard. I just can't not care about not being hard.

I'm wondering if anyone on this forum went through something similar and has solid tips to help me solve this problem permanently. I might be thinking of going to see a sex therapist, help me deal with these issues personally.

Looking forward to hear about y'all advices and insights.

[flowboy]

I had the exact same thing.

It would be triggered the moment I put the condom on.

The shame is what keeps this pattern in place.

You have to become okay with never getting an erection today.

Literally.

How will you still have a good time? Think about that. And make sure you can do it.

Decide to have fun anyway. Do other stuff. Stop caring about getting hard.

You'll get hard bro.

Either that or pop half a viagra until the pattern is weakened, that's what I did at 16.

(I think it's a valid psychological tool, but watch some people get triggered when I mention that )

Edited July 22, 2021 by flowboy

[museumoftrees]

13 minutes ago, flowboy said:

I had the exact same thing.

It would be triggered the moment I put the condom on.

The shame is what keeps this pattern in place.

You have to become okay with never getting an erection today.

Literally.

How will you still have a good time? Think about that. And make sure you can do it.

Decide to have fun anyway. Do other stuff. Stop caring about getting hard.

You'll get hard bro.

Either that or pop half a viagra until the pattern is weakened, that's what I did at 16.

(I think it's a valid psychological tool, but watch some people get triggered when I mention that )

So it is the shame of being perceived as someone who can't get hard that maintains the softness (lol) ?

How did you get yourself to stop caring about being hard ?

Also, how many times did you have to use viagra and did it have any negative impacts on you ?

... Concerning the shame I feel over not being able to get hard I think the main sticking points and things I am afraid of is turning the girl off in bed (making her angry) or having her ridicule me either in bed when I can't get hard or talking to other girls behind my back and telling them i'm not as cool as I portray myself to be. This shows an oversensitivity to criticism, too much investment in others opinion and a general neediness and lack of confidence I think.

[flowboy]

@museumoftrees I used viagra one or two times when I was 16. To be honest, the pattern persisted after that with many other girls. So I can't claim that it was a complete solution.

But yes, it's counterintuitive, but the shame is what keeps a pattern in place.

8 hours ago, museumoftrees said:

Concerning the shame I feel over not being able to get hard I think the main sticking points and things I am afraid of is turning the girl off in bed (making her angry)

These thoughts can only exist because you refuse to share them.

Expression is key.

 

8 hours ago, flowboy said:

How will you still have a good time? Think about that.

Really think about that! How can you make the experience just as satisfying, without an erection? What things can you do, or have her do? (Remember: girls care most about the intimacy of it. Cuddling and kissing naked together for an extended period of time, is great for her too. Unless you get all weird about it, because you care about penetration )

If you have a plan B that is just as good, then you've solved the problem. From there you can relax and get hard.

Edited July 23, 2021 by flowboy

[integral]

Cock ring, relax sphincter and stomach, let it all hang out. Have a dildo for back up.

 

[StarStruck]

Do visualization exercises how you get hard and fuck her brains out. Do this daily and in detail. This way you will train your brain. The brain is the trigger and your dick is your gun. Also stop fapping if you do and eat more fish products. 

Edited July 26, 2021 by StarStruck

[Nahm]

@museumoftrees

Does making sure you know who is trustworthy and who is not seem very important, like, paramount, critical? 

Maybe even more so, do you already believe that some people are trustworthy & some people are not? 

How does the importance of how you are seen & thought of compare to the importance of what you think & how you feel?

[ivankiss]

Been there.

Sometimes it's because my sexual partner is not actually a good (vibrational) match. And other times it's because I'm disconnected from feeling/sensation. I'm way too focused on thoughts.

What works in that case, is slowly shifting my focus from thought to feeling, in real time. Breathing is crucial here. Try tuning into your senses. Really feel into them.

A long, slow, passion-filled fore-play is also a big yes. It gets me hard as a rock. 

I usually struggle with erection when I try to rush things, or skip ahead. Meaning; I'm not really flowing with the moment.