I feel very down after yesterday's night

[Leo Gura]

You will outgrow all those fools with time. Self-actualization is a long investment, not a get rich quick scheme.

Don't envy the blissfully ignorant. It is a facade and it will not hold up.

Also, stop comparing yourself to others. You are not them.

You just lack expereince socializing, which doesn't allow your full self to blossom in social situtations. That will change with massive experience. As an introvert you will be as socially carefree as extroverts.

[hoodrow trillson]

OP you sound like my friend lol.  He got mad at me one time for just being a social butterfly at a party and hitting it off with everyone, especially all the girls (I didn't know anyone at that party and he invited me there).  I called his ass out on it and he admitted he felt like he was a loser, too "quiet" or doing all the wrong things to not end up getting laughs and praise or whatever.

I told him I could see he was in his head the entire time at the party.. analyzing, thinking, trying to come up with the right things to say, weird body language, etc. You can physically see what a person is thinking inside--even if they think they're doing a good job hiding it.  

In a funny way, he was acting differently around those people than another group of people we mutually know--so it was interesting watching him change his whole personality just by a shift of being around different people.

 

Edited July 23, 2021 by hoodrow trillson

[fopylo]

@Leo Gura

Thanks for the encouragement.

But I am starting to believe less that it is a façade since it seems they genuinely enjoy it. My friend tells me he feels good after those events and they are all quite loose compared to me.

I don't want to hold onto what you said as "whoo, ok, so I'm good. At least I know that I'm good and will be better off in the future". If they are feeling good but have a façade, then what is going on with me?

What is this "true expression" that most of the people are letting out? If it is genuine, then how is it a façade?

[fopylo]

@hoodrow trillson

Yeah man it is really frustrating, especially for the fact that he invited you and you didn't know anyone there and was killing it way more than him. Try getting into his mind. The dude probably wanted to try and improve as well (a mere guess. Maybe he wanted to work on himself?) and what ended up is that he barely managed and feels bad about himself, and you on the other hand come in at ease not knowing anyone, effortlessly just killing it. I believe this has to do with the fact that he might have too many expectations on how he wants things to unfold (which is the same problem I have) and you probably don't have much expectations and just flow with what is, being authentic, and that's probably the wiser move.

[Eph75]

2 hours ago, fopylo said:

I believe this has to do with the fact that he might have too many expectations on how he wants things to unfold (which is the same problem I have) and you probably don't have much expectations and just flow with what is, being authentic, and that's probably the wiser move.

What could you try doing to get yourself into that groove, or rather outside of any groove - and especially out of your current ruts? 

[Leo Gura]

8 hours ago, fopylo said:

@Leo Gura

Thanks for the encouragement.

But I am starting to believe less that it is a façade since it seems they genuinely enjoy it. My friend tells me he feels good after those events and they are all quite loose compared to me.

I don't want to hold onto what you said as "whoo, ok, so I'm good. At least I know that I'm good and will be better off in the future". If they are feeling good but have a façade, then what is going on with me?

What is this "true expression" that most of the people are letting out? If it is genuine, then how is it a façade?

I am not saying they are being fake. In that narrow situation they may feel good. But life is a much broader thing than one social event. That is the facade.

You are looking at life far too narrowly. If I reduce life down to fishing, and I see a guy catching a bunch of fish while I suck and catch none, this says nothing about our lives as a whole because life is not limited to fishing. The guy could be great at catching fish but rapes children in his spare time.

[fopylo]

@Eph75

12 hours ago, Eph75 said:

What could you try doing to get yourself into that groove, or rather outside of any groove - and especially out of your current ruts? 

A few years ago I remember this group, this same group I was talking about, not all of the people but most of them I kinda new and maybe even had some social gatherings with them. That was before I could care any less for a girlfriend or their companionship. I went to those meetings from the approach of "I'm going to go to this meeting of those people just to be with them a bit, but in general I have my other people I spend time with". I wasn't seeking much from them, which left me room to give from myself, from my more authentic self. I did things and behaved in ways that were not signaling that I want something from them. Because I really didn't. In my head I didn't even want to be part of this group (only had with them maybe like 3 meetings at the time).

What I heard years later from a girl that left our school, is that most of the girls found either me or another kid attractive (out of the boys there, which there weren't many). I was actually quite shocked. If anything I believed that most of them are after this other kid so I was really surprised. Perhaps I had so little expectations that I didn't even focus on that kind of stuff.

But those people are what most people would call in society "the weird people". You know, you find people like that in every place (usually some of them are bi-sexual, gay, into fantasy, generally weird. This is not a stigma but a fact). So it didn't really make me feel amazing because I don't think I'd really want to be with any of them.

But yeah, sorry for this long chatter. I think it is to not have expectations and approach it with the knowing that I'm better even if I don't get what I want which leaves me room to be authentic, I guess (?)

[fopylo]

@Leo Gura

So then in what way am I "better off"?

[Leo Gura]

48 minutes ago, fopylo said:

@Leo Gura

So then in what way am I "better off"?

You tell me.

Stop discounting your unique gifts and strengths.

Why do you value yourself so cheaply just because some chimps smile more than you in some narrow context?

Never forget, you are amazing. Anything less than amazing is a lie.

It is not like how you think. You think you are being truthful when you sell yourself cheap, but actually you are being a liar.

Which is one reason why it's good to pursue Truth. The Truth is guaranteed to be nothing less than amazing.

You are a diamond in the rough but all you see is the roughness and think you are an ordinary rock. But I see the diamond in you, because I am you.

[fopylo]

@Leo Gura

Shit man that hit. Thank you, I feel better from what you said!

I guess I am "better off" by realizing myself more than them and having a deeper connection to life. I have some talents and a general good brain if I'm being honest. Other than that they are still better socially, which is something I strive to be and so I focus on my lack of it which makes me feel bad

[Eph75]

@fopylo Would it be feasible, the next time you gather, to go in with intent to drop expectations and desires on what should happen, and instead approach that gathering as an experiment to observe yourself, your feelings and thoughts as they arise, and notice the differences when letting go of such desires?

And just like when meditating, allow those feeling and thoughts to arise, and gently and without judgment or self-criticism or attaching meaning to them, let them go, let them gently drift away in that moment, and return to just being.

 

[fopylo]

@Eph75

19 hours ago, Eph75 said:

and instead approach that gathering as an experiment to observe yourself, your feelings and thoughts as they arise, and notice the differences when letting go of such desires?

I will try but it will be hard as I kinda know those people and I'm starting to become part of their group so it's kind of going against my survival.

And also what does it mean to 'let go'? I hear it so often but what does that practically mean and how do I do it?

[Eph75]

Not letting go would be to keep something in your thoughts, twist and turn, analyze, try to make sense and so on. By doing so that thought and the content of it will grow stronger in you as you build stronger neural paths ways related to it. 

When you meditate you can choose to let a thought go, letting it exit your thought processes.

So, a thought for example, about disappointment and resentment arises in some situation... 

Letting go isn't about repressing or forcing thoughts to go away. It's instead more like intentionally decide to let a thought go, and preferably not filling the void with new thoughts, allowing for mental space to happen. 

It can help to do it ritualistically, I keep mentioning the example where you visualize taking the thought/topic:

Imagine gift-wrapping the thought, attach helium filled balloons to the package, and gently push it away from you and let it get carried away with the wind. Watch it in you mind, until it fades away. 

A bit corny, sure, but it helps breaking the ongoing thought pattern, and helps preventing that thought to jump right back.

Before letting it go, it is good to investigate what you feel, what triggered the feeling, what thoughts the feeling involved, and so on. 

Then, gently let it go. 

Edited July 25, 2021 by Eph75

[RickyFitts]

On 7/24/2021 at 10:07 AM, Leo Gura said:

I am not saying they are being fake. In that narrow situation they may feel good. But life is a much broader thing than one social event. That is the facade.

You are looking at life far too narrowly. If I reduce life down to fishing, and I see a guy catching a bunch of fish while I suck and catch none, this says nothing about our lives as a whole because life is not limited to fishing. The guy could be great at catching fish but rapes children in his spare time.

I was going to say 'great analogy', but then boy did it take a dark turn at the end there 

[fopylo]

@Eph75

5 hours ago, Eph75 said:

By doing so that thought and the content of it will grow stronger in you as you build stronger neural paths ways related to it. 

So basically occupying your mind with a thought will get you attached to the thought since you build more neural pathways as you keep analyzing?

5 hours ago, Eph75 said:

Letting go isn't about repressing or forcing thoughts to go away. It's instead more like intentionally decide to let a thought go, and preferably not filling the void with new thoughts, allowing for mental space to happen. 

How can you intentionally let go of a thought without repression? Consciously deciding to let go of a thought is like deciding to push it away. Every time I repressed a thought it was because I tried to get it out of my system somehow (which didn't really, just pushed it back), and I did it intentionally.
If this example isn't so good then sometimes when I do mindfulness meditation and I try to put my focus on a tree (for example) and then I am starting to have thoughts then I push them aside because I gotta focus, can't lose that focus, and I suppress the thought. I recognize that I'm having thoughts and pushing them aside but then I feel mental dissonance

[Craigxt22]

I know the feeling all too well

[Eph75]

37 minutes ago, fopylo said:

So basically occupying your mind with a thought will get you attached to the thought since you build more neural pathways as you keep analyzing?

Yes, if that's constructive or not depends on the quality of those thoughts and that analysis. 

If you get yourself stuck in self-criticism, or procrastinating around negativity (very common) you build strong pathways that will default to, such self-criticism or negativity, simply by creating strong habit to do so. 

Switching into constructive thought processes, positivity, self-acceptance and -love, will start building new neural pathways that with consistency and over time will become stronger that those of old, and will take over as the new default thinking. 

While you can't shut off pathway of old, you are empowered to build such new pathways by incorporating good habits of using you mind in helpful, positive, constructive ways. 

When doing so, and when falling back into old ways of thinking, we need to be decisive in catching ourselves and switching back to constructive thought processes.

Regressing to old default thinking is usual when ending up in certain situations where we get triggered, challenged and so on. May be related to certain people, environments or topics. 

Being attentive to what our mind is doing, and switching to constructive thoughts is mindfulness. 

Our minds are constantly listening to what we say through thoughts and make those thoughts our perceived reality. 

Be careful what you tell yourself, because you, are listening very intently. 

37 minutes ago, fopylo said:

How can you intentionally let go of a thought without repression?

Repression happens when not coping with the suffering created by such negative though processes, and that hurt becoming too much. 

Letting go can happens from the space of constructive thought processes.

Start with switching to a constructive thought process, curiously investigate your thoughts, triggers, the circumstances that triggered your thoughts and so on. With positive annotation, you can release the thought and it would not be repressive and, instead be a learning experience that is positive in nature. 

With practice, especially through do-nothing-meditation, it becomes fairly easy to shift focus of mind into something of a "void state", where there are neither negative thoughts nor thought of having let something go, with the bare minimum of sensory input. Void. 

Edited July 25, 2021 by Eph75

[Leo Gura]

16 hours ago, fopylo said:

@Eph75

And also what does it mean to 'let go'? I hear it so often but what does that practically mean and how do I do it?

https://www.actualized.org/articles/the-power-of-letting-go

[Javfly33]

Well I can tell you I totally been where you've been, like, totally...and nowdays if you put me in that situation I would have a blast!

I am still haven't mastered the lead and dominating aspect of game and dating but I would be like fish in the water in the intimate game and the bdsm/sex questions game. 

It just took a tremendous work and a massive letting go of my ego Vs others, you must realize that you feel weird in those games because your ego is trying to control the situation, trying to control how you look in front of others. It seems your ego has a problem with emotional vulnerability and sex stuff. Instead of trying to avoid being seen as X or Y, work on being Ok/Feeling Cool/Loved etc showing your vulnerability and kinks and etc. I mean you must be ashamed of this things in some way if not I don't see why would you have a problem sharing it with those guys. .

So have hope that you can get there, if you want. It will take a lot of time though.

[Arcangelo]

Happy people are not spiritual, why would they? You turn to spirituality when your life is in the dumpster