I am at a crossroads spiritually

[Preety_India]

I have noticed that I have a shadow around selfishness. I constantly denigrate myself if I catch myself doing selfish..

This causes me to not engage in self love. Because I see survival as selfish. Obviously I'm not going to argue that survival is selfish, yet this causes me to sort of abandon and guilt myself.

I judge myself harshly for surviving. 

I judge myself harshly for being selfish..

Often I tend to leave any form of self preservation behaviour because it routinely creates feelings of guilt.

Is this because  I'm on a spiritual path where you have to forget the Self.

No self is one thing and love is another..

I'm more into embodying Love. But the more loving I try to become, the more selfless I become thus shrinking my survival.

This feels like a paradox. 

Like I'm walking on a tight rope between two mountains

Am I supposed to balance survival and selflessness ?

I'm caught between the spiritual world and the material world and I'm at a crossroads.

How to approach this paradox I'm experiencing in a more conscious manner?

 

Edited July 21, 2021 by Preety_India

[Moksha]

27 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I constantly denigrate myself...

I judge myself harshly...

I judge myself harshly...

The ego is all about judgment, and it doesn't care if it is judging others or judging you. For people like Trump, it is about denigrating others, to aggrandize the self. For people like you and me, it is about self-deprecation. Neither is more egoic than the other. The ego doesn't care, as long as it gets to judge.

Quote

I'm more into embodying Love. But the more loving I try to become, the more selfless I become thus shrinking my survival.

Realizing Love shrinks the survival of the ego, but not the survival of You. It is the dissolving of boundaries, and it is beautiful. There is no "this self" or "that self", just the seamlessness of Self.

[nistake]

How about giving yourself permission to be selfish and even enjoying it? As twisted as it sounds, try to enjoy the shit out of your selfish tendencies (as long as nobody gets hurt in the process, of course). Hell, you can even meditate on your selfishness and indulge in it in a kinky way. Now that's some real Love.

If you're trying to judge it, deny it, repress it, that's gonna make you suffer and your selfishness is gonna persist.

[WelcometoReality]

10 hours ago, Preety_India said:

I judge myself harshly for surviving. 

I judge myself harshly for being selfish..

What feeling is behind the judging and how does judging yourself make you feel?

10 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Often I tend to leave any form of self preservation behaviour because it routinely creates feelings of guilt.

When the feeling of guilt comes up can you sit with it until it dissappears?

[gettoefl]

11 hours ago, Preety_India said:

I have noticed that I have a shadow around selfishness. I constantly denigrate myself if I catch myself doing selfish..

This causes me to not engage in self love. Because I see survival as selfish. Obviously I'm not going to argue that survival is selfish, yet this causes me to sort of abandon and guilt myself.

I judge myself harshly for surviving. 

I judge myself harshly for being selfish..

Often I tend to leave any form of self preservation behaviour because it routinely creates feelings of guilt.

Is this because  I'm on a spiritual path where you have to forget the Self.

No self is one thing and love is another..

I'm more into embodying Love. But the more loving I try to become, the more selfless I become thus shrinking my survival.

This feels like a paradox. 

Like I'm walking on a tight rope between two mountains

Am I supposed to balance survival and selflessness ?

I'm caught between the spiritual world and the material world and I'm at a crossroads.

How to approach this paradox I'm experiencing in a more conscious manner?

 

you're too lost in words it must drive you insane, please limit your posts to one line or so which in time brings nirvana

and shows mercy to my poor brain

Edited July 22, 2021 by gettoefl

[Preety_India]

4 minutes ago, gettoefl said:

you're too lost in words it must drive you insane, please limit your posts to one line or so which in time brings nirvana

and shows mercy to my poor brain

No

[Nahm]

You = yourself (not two). You’re the story teller, not the character the thought story is about. Thinking & talking about a myself is unseen aversion to feeling. What’s desired is feeling better, “where” it’s found is of course, feeling. The retelling of the thought story of a separate self is an alternative to feeling, presence, and having & experiencing everything you actually desire to. It’s often referred to as fragmentation or split consciousness. It’s not some diagnosis or problem or anything, it’s the believing of self referential thoughts, the retelling of the same story. There is the experience of the thought judgement, but there is not the separate self which is believed to be the one being judged. There is the experience of the thought selfishness, but there is not the separate self which it is believed to be projected upon. 

 

[roopepa]

@Preety_India 

I understand what you're saying. I took this "survival vs. spirituality/love" mind-story to a very dark place, psychosis, and almost killed myself.

Basically... To the extend I understand it, you cannot "not survive". Even the fact that you judge yourself about your selfishness and survival IS survival and selfishness, only in a very deceptive manner. The "you", the very identity and the "decision maker" you think you are is the one surviving.

There is no "a you" to transcend or let go survival. Even to try doing that would be survival. Remember, survival is not just about the physical body, but also mind-stuff, identity. For example, think of those Islamist suicide bombers. They physically kill themselves in the name of their muslim identity.

The "you" cannot transcend survival. There is no-one that does that. There is nothing the story-character can or has to do in order to trancend itself, because it is the one that is being transcended. The You simply remembers that it's watching the story unfold, and that it is the story itself. This is the actual no-self. Not the selfless story character you think you are or should be.

Edited July 22, 2021 by roopepa

[roopepa]

@Preety_India Take a deep look here. The very idea that you should be selfless, IS selfishness. You are just holding onto an identity and thought-story of "selflessness" and now feeling the insanity and nonsensical nature of it.

If anything would be truly selfless or spiritual here, it would be for you to let go this story of a self that should be selfess. What a freeing realization!