How to tell if a guy really loves you ?

[Eph75]

@Preety_India

As you say, there are no guarantees, there is no safe side, but you can approach it in a healthy way that help you to assess that authenticity and intention of other, and that will, save you from some pitfalls.

Much in the same spirit, there is no easy answer, no template that ensures suceess, it's a process. 

You've mentioned you've been interested in financial investments, so we can compare this with investing in some company. To be successful you have to increase your own abilities to assess companies, to do fundamental analysis:

Does all the numbers and indicators make sense, is it a market that I understand, what is the risk, are there dividends, is the company currently making profit or loss, are losses due to heavy reinvesting that are likely to increase the company value over time, and so on, and so on. 

Only when it makes sense for you to invest, you enter with investment and financial commitment. 

You can enter that relationship with a certain limited amount, which increases your engagement and creates a bond and relationship with that company, which allows you to pick up on more signals and gain deeper understanding through greater engagement in that process. 

Only when you see that it makes sense, you invest more fully. 

With companies you never invest more than you can afford to loose, but you do invest with trust in those fundamentals you have learned, and with hope of success. 

The opposite, to continue the stock market analogy, would be to get enfatuated by the promise of getting rich fast, and you get enfatuated by those promises, as you yourself are so invested into your internal needs/desires to get rich, successful or escape suffering, that you neglect the risk assessment and any signs of toxicity. You fully and blindly go all in, investing all you have, and find yourself in a game of chance, but really you did set yourself up for failure as you were looking for such great promises for richness and suceess, and in that process also entered relationships with companies that carry the highest risk of losing all of your money in that process.

There are no guarantees, but doing the fundamental analysis and being aware of the psychology at play increases the chance of making more better choices than not. Also staying attune to signals and knowing your own strategies, knowing when to exist a bad investment and cutting your losses short. 

Back to relationships.. with people, it's much the same. 

You invest a certain amount, you are aware and respect the risk of getting enfatuates, and you deliberately explore who the other person is under the surface, as much as possible, what their values are, how they behave towards you and towards others, how they speak to you and how they speak with others, what dreams, ambitions and aspirations they have and so on, and so on.

Fundamental analysis. 

With increased knowledge and understanding it's easier to assess if the response is authentic and if they match, not your needy self, but your authentic self.

In that process, not only will you be able to separate out weeds, but you also build a deeper connection with the ones that respond well and you can increase your investment as the process progresses in a healthy way. 

It's still a game of risk, and chance, and you do have to invest to win.

Going through that process more wisely, not investing foolishly, not ignoring tell-tale signs, based on you own ever increasing awareness and increasing complexity of your sense-making, this will make the process less risky, less costly financially and emotionally, and much more enjoyable. 

I hope that makes sense 

In this process you also do have to get to learn your own unfavorable attributes and limitations, and work on reducing or freeing yourself from them. Making the process more free from the needs and desires that are coming from your own feeling if deficiency, self-esteem, self-worth, self-efficacy, confidence in self and so on. 

Edited July 21, 2021 by Eph75

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, Eph75 said:

@Preety_India

As you say, there are no guarantees, there is no safe side, but you can approach it in a healthy way that help you to assess that authenticity and intention of other, and that will, save you from some pitfalls.

Much in the same spirit, there is no easy answer, no template that ensures suceess, it's a process. 

You've mentioned you've been interested in financial investments, so we can compare this with investing in some company. To be successful you have to increase your own abilities to assess companies, to do fundamental analysis:

Does all the numbers and indicators make sense, is it a market that I understand, what is the risk, are there dividends, is the company currently making profit or loss, are losses due to heavy reinvesting that are likely to increase the company value over time, and so on, and so on. 

Only when it makes sense for you to invest, you enter with investment and financial commitment. 

You can enter that relationship with a certain limited amount, which increases your engagement and creates a bond and relationship with that company, which allows you to pick up on more signals and gain deeper understanding through greater engagement in that process. 

Only when you see that it makes sense, you invest more fully. 

With companies you never invest more than you can afford to loose, but you do invest with trust in those fundamentals you have learned, and with hope of success. 

The opposite, to continue the stock market analogy, would be to get enfatuated by the promise of getting rich fast, and you get enfatuated by those promises, as you yourself are so invested into your internal needs/desires to get rich, successful or escape suffering, that you neglect the risk assessment and any signs of toxicity. You fully and blindly go all in, investing all you have, and find yourself in a game of chance, but really you did set yourself up for failure as you were looking for such great promises for richness and suceess, and in that process also entered relationships with companies that carry the highest risk of losing all of your money in that process.

There are no guarantees, but doing the fundamental analysis and being aware of the psychology at play increases the chance of making more better choices than not. Also staying attune to signals and knowing your own strategies, knowing when to exist a bad investment and cutting your losses short. 

Back to relationships.. with people, it's much the same. 

You invest a certain amount, you are aware and respect the risk of getting enfatuates, and you deliberately explore who the other person is under the surface, as much as possible, what their values are, how they behave towards you and towards others, how they speak to you and how they speak with others, what dreams, ambitions and aspirations they have and so on, and so on.

Fundamental analysis. 

With increased knowledge and understanding it's easier to assess if the response is authentic and if they match, not your needy self, but your authentic self.

In that process, not only will you be able to separate out weeds, but you also build a deeper connection with the ones that respond well and you can increase your investment as the process progresses in a healthy way. 

It's still a game of risk, and chance, and you do have to invest to win.

Going through that process more wisely, not investing foolishly, not ignoring tell-tale signs, based on you own ever increasing awareness and increasing complexity of your sense-making, this will make the process less risky, less costly financially and emotionally, and much more enjoyable. 

I hope that makes sense 

Oh wow that was some wonderful advice. I could never think with that level of creativity.

Thank you for answering my question. It really helped me evaluate my situation and it was a very practical answer.

Thanks Again.

 

[RickyFitts]

It might be more beneficial for you to consider where this question is coming from on an emotional level.

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, RickyFitts said:

It might be more beneficial for you to consider where this question is coming from on an emotional level.

It's coming from a good place. Everyone wants emotional stability.

 

[Eph75]

@Preety_India

You're very welcome, I'm glad it resonates with you. 

This still leaves you with focus towards self-developement, to become deliberate about developing your own sense-making capabilities, to become able to take in more sensory stimulation, and to make sense with increased complexity. 

Better relationships is just a side-effect of that development, along with better and more enjoyable results in every other area of life.

You might want look into Ego Development Theory to become deliberate about that sense-making development along side this relationship stuff, as it all intertwines into one psychology. 

@RickyFitts

@Preety_India

His question is important, there is more depth and a lot of complexity hidden underneath it that warrants exploration. Our needs usually don't come from as a good place as we want to think, and that we are able to accept about ourselves. Those needs are deeply linked to you as a being, reflecting the difficulties you've experienced and is experiencing in your life, and how you relate to yourself. 

Deep and sensitive area and we really need to drop our inward [ego] defences to be able to explore that in a constructive way.

 

Edited July 21, 2021 by Eph75

[RickyFitts]

35 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

It's coming from a good place. Everyone wants emotional stability.

 

And you need to know that a guy really loves you in order to have emotional stability?

22 minutes ago, Eph75 said:

 

Deep and sensitive area and we really need to drop our inward [ego] defences to be able to explore that in a constructive way.

 

Yes, this is key. If we're answering from a defensive place, we're likely to offer up excuses and justifications for our behaviour rather than the truth.

Edited July 21, 2021 by RickyFitts

[Preety_India]

2 minutes ago, RickyFitts said:

And you need to know that a guy really loves you in order to have emotional stability?

Who doesn't want Emotional stability in a relationship?

I'm not talking about my own emotional stability..

I'm talking about emotional security in a relationship where both partners create trust.

 

[RickyFitts]

21 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Who doesn't want Emotional stability in a relationship?

I'm not talking about my own emotional stability..

Establish that emotional stability in yourself, and it'll be reflected in your relationships. The very need for a relationship is itself very often an indication of emotional instability.

 

Edited July 21, 2021 by RickyFitts

[Eph75]

@Preety_India

 

29 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I'm not talking about my own emotional stability..

I'm talking about emotional security in a relationship where both partners create trust.

They are inseparably intertwined by such complexity, that we need to develop ourselves in order to see clearly and to be able to respond to it in a healthy way 

And yes, everyone have their suffering minimized/reduced in a relationship that is emotionally stable. We can all appreciate that.

Some end up there by chance.

Others end up there by exercising unconscious competencies, such capabilites that we don't consciously use to create our world, it happens autonomously based on our inherent values. 

An example on use of such an unconscious competency would be someone that has grown up building a healthy self-esteem and self-worth. This individual will unconsciously pickup on and take action upon that which threatens ones own autonomy. It happening as a natural process. 

This person might end up with healthy relationships without doing anything that is perceived out of the ordinary to that person. By just being and doing what is known as default behavior. Others might see this as "luck" but it's really a gift. 

On the other hand, someone struggling with self-esteem and self-worth is unconsciously downplaying self against others, will miss out on signs on boundaries being overstepped, not respond in healthy ways towards that which threatens our autonomy, and won't be able to maintain healthy boundaries. The result is often unhealthy relationships. 

This is why people with problems inside themselves that they need to solve, often end up in similar pattern situations and relationships that are clearly toxic seen from the perspective of others, but they the themselves don't see it in the same way, and they themselves also, don't see that their way of being attracts a certain type of situations or relationship dynamics, such as co-dependeny and narsisictic partners, along with all other pattern behaviors.

Only when seeing the underlying need to relieve oneself from the suffering, and seeing that we use this pathology in ourselves to meet that need though others, we can see the correlation between our pathology and the toxicity in the partners we attract or are attracted to. 

So, instead of looking for the causes and effects "out there", where we become the victim to circumstances and where we can assign such justification and blame, we need to introspect and free ourselves from the hold that we have on ourselves, the hold our ego had on our h authentic self.

By doing this, we change who we are, and we free ourselves from escaping attributes we've collected throughout our lives, and we can be more free in the way we approach, relate and make sebse of the process life, relationships included.

It's in a sense going back to the source, rewriting the source rather than betting stuck navigating the bugs in the program. 

Edited July 21, 2021 by Eph75

[Preety_India]

2 minutes ago, RickyFitts said:

The very need for a relationship is itself very often an indication of emotional instability.

25 minutes ago, RickyFitts said:

And you need to know that a guy really loves you in order to have emotional stability?

 

 

2 minutes ago, RickyFitts said:

Establish that emotional stability in yourself, and it'll be reflected in your relationships. The very need for a relationship is itself very often an indication of emotional instability.

 

Everyone wants a relationship. It's totally normal and healthy to want a companion.

 

[Preety_India]

3 minutes ago, Eph75 said:

@Preety_India

 

They are inseparably intertwined by such complexity, that we need to develop ourselves in other to see clearly and to be able to respond to in a healthy way 

And yes, everyone have their suffering minimized/reduced in a relationship that is emotionally stable. We can all appreciate that.

Some end up there by chance.

Others end up there by exercising unconscious competencies, such capabilites that we don't consciously use to create our world, it happens autonomously based on our inherent values. 

An example on use of such an unconscious competency would be someone that has grown up building a healthy self-esteem and self-worth. This individual will unconsciously pickup on and take action upon that which threatens ones own autonomy. It happening as a natural process. 

This person might end up with healthy relationships without doing anything that is perceived out of the ordinary to that person. By just being and doing what is known as default behavior. 

On the other hand, someone struggling with self-esteem and self-worth is unconsciously downplaying self against others, will miss out on signs on boundaries being overstepped, not respond in healthy ways towards that which threatens our autonomy, and will be able to maintain healthy boundaries. The result is often unhealthy relationships. 

This is why people with problems inside themselves that they need to solve, often end up in similar pattern situations and relationships that are clearly toxic see  from the perspective of others, but they the themselves don't see it in the same way, and they themselves also, don't see that their way of being attracts a certain type of situations or relationship dynamics, such as co-dependeny and narsisictic partners, along with all other pattern behaviors.

Only when seeing the underlying need to relieve oneself from the suffering, and seeing that we use this pathology in ourselves to meet that need though others, we can see the correlation between our pathology and the toxicity in the partners we attract or are attracted to. 

So, instead of looking for the causes and effects "out there", where we become the victim to circumstances and where we can sign such justification and blame, we need to inteospect and free ourselves from the hold that we have on ourselves, the hold our ego had on our h authentic self.

By doing this, we change who we are, and we free ourselves from escaping attributes we've collected throughout our lives, and we can be more free in the way we approach, relate and make sebse of the process life, relationships included.

It's in a sense going back to the source, rewriting the source rather than betting stuck navigating the bugs in the program. 

This is good. I like how you put it 

 

 

[RickyFitts]

5 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Everyone wants a relationship. It's totally normal and healthy to want a companion.

It can be, but not always. I think a good acid test of whether it's healthy or not is to ask yourself, 'Could I live without a partner?' If the answer's no, it isn't healthy.

[Eph75]

43 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Everyone wants a relationship. It's totally normal and healthy to want a companion.

@Preety_India

@RickyFitts is essentially saying the same thing as me, he just uses less words and a condensed concept in that communication, yet carries the same message. It does leave a lot of implicit assumptions of previous understanding of self-development and much room for interpretation. One of the reasons why I write so long answers, in order to a greater extent eliminate misinterpretation based in such implicities. 

In essence, it's the complexity of one's sense-making that allows for seeing a deeper and more complex meaning in something that was communicated, and a higher ability to apply the abstractness of what is being said, onto ourselves, so that we see the pragmatic interconnections. 

It is your needs that dictate you wants and pursuits. There is a difference between needing a relationship, wanting a relationship and having the freedom to allow for relationships to happen. 

To allow for relationships to happen isn't about making zero effort, and instead it's about the emotional detachment of needing relationship to be. It leaves room for relationships to happen out of a playful approach to life and being itself. 

People who appear care-free, easy-going, non-needy and so on attract others. We ourselves are attracted towards such qualities and people who appear free in such ways. We want to feel good so, we are drawn toward others that radiate such qualities. 

Paradoxically, radiant as freedom is, letting go of our emotional needs, it works as a great attractor, and seemingly effortlessly attracts relationships. More for less.. 

People who try hard based on needs on the other hand, exhibit that need, and act as a repellent, or attracts individuals who are exersicing toxic behaviors, in a way, looking for prey. 

I think it's very important to distinguish between building deeper relationships and getting sexual needs met.

Someone with great ability to have sexual connections can have great struggles with building deeper connections and lasting relationships.

The dynamic play between two people creates an intricate dance around one and another's qualities and deficiency needs. So knowing yourself and working on yourself becomes a central part of building healthy relationships with others. 

To be able to make this happen, we do have to switch how we're making sense of the current reality, so that we can focus on "fixing" ourselves, so that we can become free in that sense. 

Edited July 21, 2021 by Eph75

[Gesundheit2]

3 hours ago, Nahm said:

@Preety_India

Yes. Meditation is literal brainwashing. 

This cracked me up! 

 

@Preety_India

• Communication.
• Attention/care, without excess
• Understanding/not self-centered.
• Honesty/Transparency. Ties up well with communication.
• Shares your interests and looks out for them.

[Zeroguy]

 

6 hours ago, Preety_India said:

It's a basic question yet a deep question for reflection. 

How can I know if a guy truly loves me and wants to commit to me and is not simply wanting him out of his own neediness ?

What are the signs to look out for to know his true value and commitment and what are the signs to avoid ?

 

When you will learn to enjoy? 

Now neediness and clinginess is the problem. 

Next it will be he cheats on me and likes to be free. 

Women don't know what they want. Period. Never listen never pay any attention let alone try to help if offer fix. 

[Zeroguy]

In Truth men are more capable of love then women. Aaaaahhhh angry reactions and shitstorm incoming. 

On average well mostly men and this kind of women. 

Well just have fun time. My advice. 

[Hulia]

1 minute ago, Zeroguy said:

In Truth men are more capable of love then women. Aaaaahhhh angry reactions and shitstorm incoming. 

Then why did Aristoteles marry Jackie and not Maria?

[Zeroguy]

Just now, Hulia said:

Then why did Aristoteles marry Jackie and not Maria?

What that has to do with your life. Nothing. Why you bother? 

Still didn't got that tarot reading. 

[LastThursday]

Just now, Zeroguy said:

[Some] Women don't know what they want.

Most women know exactly what they want. Most men just don't want to listen or don't know how to listen. This is exactly how women get supressed in society.

What @Preety_India is really asking is: how do I know if I'm being duped? The answer is you don't. You only have behaviour to go by, you have to be sharp and attentive to notice and it may take a while to "work him out". Even the man himself maybe confused between love and lust and not know the difference. Men also don't know what they want.

[Preety_India]

9 minutes ago, Eph75 said:

@Preety_India

@RickyFitts is essentially saying the same thing as me, he just uses less words and a condensed concept in that communication, yet carries the same message. It does leave a lot of implicit assumptions of previous understanding of self-development and much room for interpretation. One of the reasons why I write so long answers, in order to a greater extent eliminate misinterpretation based in such implicities. 

 

I like the longer explanations better. Slides easily into my head

 

9 minutes ago, Eph75 said:

In essence, it's the complexity of one's sense-making that allows for seeing a deeper and more complex meaning in something that was communicated, and a higher ability to apply the abstractness of what is being said, onto ourselves, so that we see the pragmatic interconnections. 

It is your needs that dictate you wants and pursuits. There is a difference between needing a relationship, wanting a relationship and having the freedom to allow for relationships to happen. 

I agree there's a difference. I don't think I'm needy for a relationship because I can live without it. Yet I want a relationship because it enriches life. 

The Freedom to allow relationships to happen - I think most of my past relationships just happened on their own. I never actively pursued anyone. So I understand what you mean. Most of my relationships were spontaneous. However I always felt like "allowing relationships to happen" always caused me to be stuck in bad relationships as I just didn't think much while getting into them. They happened very naturally and only later I realised they were so incompatible. I guess if I was a bit deliberate in my approach, I might have had a better chance of finding more compatible relationships..now I'm more conscious and aware. 

 

9 minutes ago, Eph75 said:

To allow for relationships to happen isn't about making zero effort, and instead it's about the emotional detachment of needing relationship to be. It leaves room for relationships to happen out of a playful approach to life and being itself. 

This I already did. I was playfully detached during the start of every relationship. But I felt it was a huge blunder because it made me very open and naive to the point of blindness. 

The waking up only happened when my heart was broken..

 

9 minutes ago, Eph75 said:

People who appear care-free, easy-going, non-needy and so on attract others.

I'm all of this. I feel like being carefree became my biggest punishment.

I saw girls who weren't carefree like me got much better boyfriends. I on the other hand got manipulators because I was extremely easy going. I always went along which opened doors to people waiting to take advantage of my openness.

On the Big 5 Personality Ocean Test, Love and Openness is my highest qualities.

9 minutes ago, Eph75 said:

 

We ourselves are attracted towards such qualities and people who appear free in such ways. We want to feel good so, we are drawn toward others that radiate such qualities. 

Yes many guys were attracted to me. This became my suffering. Because they weren't attracted to love me but to simply have me. They thought I was fun. I thought they were good. But it was a huge error..

Hindsight 20/20, I probably shouldn't have come across as fun loving or radiant because it attracts parasitic people.

Being serious is better. It attracts serious people.

A lot of guys told me I'm fun and happy / carefree.

My exes still keep bugging me to talk to them ..I keep avoiding because I don't like how they prey on my positive energy 

To be honest I feel like a clown .

 

9 minutes ago, Eph75 said:

Paradoxically, radiant as freedom is, letting go of our emotional needs, it works as a great attractor, and seemingly effortlessly attracts relationships. More for less.. 

Yes I'm great at attracting relationships. But I don't want to.

I just want to attract a simple honest guy not a harem of men .

I don't like men who surround me like honey bees. 

I just want someone honest and easy going like me who won't play nasty games like all these pathetic players.

 

9 minutes ago, Eph75 said:

People who try hard based on needs on the other hand, exhibit that need, and act as a repellent, or attracts individuals who are exersicing toxic behaviors, in a way, looking for prey. 

I agree with this a lot. I have sometimes exhibited people pleasing behaviours. That shit I need to control. Because it's boundary related. I need to keep proper boundaries which I really suck at.

You made an important point. 

9 minutes ago, Eph75 said:

I think it's very important to distinguish between building deeper relationships and getting sexual needs met.

I am not looking for sex. I want a loving kind life long relationship of beautiful moments and spending time together. 

I'm a super loyal person who wants sincerity and commitment. I show extreme dedication in my relationships. 

However I'm hurt by how people act so cheap and use and throw others. 

I don't like such fickle nonsense relationships.

I like depth and deep emotional connections that keep growing through life..

 

9 minutes ago, Eph75 said:

Someone with great ability to have sexual connections can have great struggles with building deeper connections and lasting relationships.

Yea. I don't want such people because I'm myself not like that.

I want lasting relationships but people who approach me usually tell me great things which is deceptive, because they are fuckboys 

I don't like such people. It's hard to find a man who wants a lasting relationship because they are rare. 

Most men who approach are generally Chad type handsome who only want a temporary relationship .

I hate that. Because I want permanent.

 

9 minutes ago, Eph75 said:

The dynamic play between two people creates an intricate dance around one and another's qualities and deficiency needs. So knowing yourself and working on yourself becomes a central part of building healthy relationships with others. 

True.

9 minutes ago, Eph75 said:

To be able to make this happen, we do have to switch how we're making sense of the current reality, so that we can focus on "fixing" ourselves, so that we can become free in that sense. 

Yes