How to tell if a guy really loves you ?

[Preety_India]

It's a basic question yet a deep question for reflection. 

How can I know if a guy truly loves me and wants to commit to me and is not simply wanting him out of his own neediness ?

What are the signs to look out for to know his true value and commitment and what are the signs to avoid ?

 

[Preety_India]

@dflores321 that really didn't answer much.

It's hard to tell if someone is genuine or just needy..

A list of signs would have been better however the list is not a guarantee for a great relationship.

But it's good to know a thing or two about separating wheat from chaff.

 

[Chew211]

You'll never know. 

There is no sexual relationship. There's only how much he fits into your fantasy and vice versa. And of course it will never be a perfect fit. 

Love is an empty master signifier. You're idea of love is won't be the same as anyone else, even if you explain to someone what it is and they agree. For example, some people don't consider commitment as being a necessary component of love. You, however, do.  Language is both a means and a barrier to communication. 

You gotta just go with your intuition. If he seems needy, then that's all you need to deem him needy. 

As for commitment, I can't speak from experience here, but that's a decision you both make, and you trust the other person's loyalty... you will never KNOW, unless you learn AFTER THE FACT that he betrayed your trust. 

 

So to sum it up, you won't truly know, unless after he proves otherwise. 

You can't make it risk free. 

[RendHeaven]

How do you tell if you really love a guy?

[Preety_India]

@RendHeaven that depends on how the guy perceives love ? If his needs are fulfilled he thinks she loves him ? 

But this question isn't about perception. It's about how a woman would feel safe and loved in a relationship ? 

Men are generally polygamous so how a relationship turns out is not his greatest worry..

But women are monogamous. That's why this question matters mostly to women. 

Women think long term. Men are okay thinking short term.. Some men are in fact happy if they have to think short term.

For a man, his biggest concern are his needs in the moment.. so they worry too much about getting a woman, not keeping a woman..

For a woman, her biggest concern is that she wants a stable relationship..she is not thinking about the moment but much more. So she doesn't want to be pumped and dumped. 

A man only worries the same as a woman when he is equally invested or involved which a lot of men aren't which in turn makes it very difficult for women to decide if the man is going to be with her or going to dump her at some point. 

Men and women have different fears. They also have different needs. Men fear rejection. Women fear abandonment. I hope that explains what I'm trying to ask.

 

[Nahm]

@dflores321

Awesome. Beautiful man. 

[RendHeaven]

2 hours ago, Preety_India said:

It's hard to tell if someone is genuine or just needy..

2 hours ago, dflores321 said:

That means that a person who's grounded will never have a girlfriend/boyfriend who's needy, it just cant happen, itll be too obvious to fall for. 

 

[Preety_India]

2 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

 

That means that a person who's grounded will never have a girlfriend/boyfriend who's needy, it just cant happen, itll be too obvious to fall for. 

 

I don't agree with that. People can fall for anything especially if it's deceptive. Not everyone is a great judge of character. But pointers surely help 

 

[Emerald]

2 hours ago, Preety_India said:

It's a basic question yet a deep question for reflection. 

How can I know if a guy truly loves me and wants to commit to me and is not simply wanting him out of his own neediness ?

What are the signs to look out for to know his true value and commitment and what are the signs to avoid ?

It’s hard for me to articulate it because many man are still capable of loving who are also dealing with trauma and dysfunction.

So, there’s no wrote disqualifying behavior that, “If he does ____ he definitely doesn’t love you.

A man can be pretty terrible and still love you... not that it would be wise to continue this relationship.

But generally, you’ll be able to tell by looking past the sexual/romantic layers of the relationship and seeing how strong the friendship bond is between you two. 

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, Emerald said:

But generally, you’ll be able to tell by looking past the sexual/romantic layers of the relationship and seeing how strong the friendship bond is between you two. 

I'm glad you answered. 

How can I know (or what signs) that my friendship bond with the man is strong and genuine ?

 

[Nahm]

3 hours ago, Preety_India said:

It's a basic question yet a deep question for reflection. 

How can I know if a guy truly loves me and wants to commit to me and is not simply wanting him out of his own neediness ?

“His neediness” is a thought which arises in your direct experience. When you don’t judge yourself there is no one left to judge. When there is not neediness in your experience = there actually isn’t neediness in your experience. 

How can you know if anyone truly loves, when you don’t know what true love is? 

The Immutable Laws. For those with two good eyes. 

The Path. For those with two good ears. 

Basic & deep indeed. 

[Emerald]

8 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I'm glad you answered. 

How can I know (or what signs) that my friendship bond with the man is strong and genuine ?

It would be very similar to the feelings you have for your closest friends.

So, if you can tell when there is a genuine give and take of love in your platonic friendships, then you can see if your friendship dynamic feels similarly strong with your romantic partner.

Basically, does it feel like you’re good friends?

[Preety_India]

Just now, Nahm said:

“His neediness” is a thought which arises in your direct experience. When you don’t judge yourself there is no one left to judge. When there is not neediness in your experience = there actually isn’t neediness in your experience. 

How can you know if anyone truly loves, when you don’t know what true love is? 

The Immutable Laws. For those with two good eyes. 

This isn't practical advice. Spiritual hogwash. More like brainwashing me.

 

[Nahm]

@Preety_India

Yes. Meditation is literal brainwashing. 

[Nos7algiK]

2 hours ago, dflores321 said:

@Preety_India that's the point, you wont need signs. 

This is poetic a lil but bear with me: if your heart is pure, then you'll never be deceived or fall into a toxic relationship. 

 

3 minutes ago, Nahm said:

“His neediness” is a thought which arises in your direct experience. When you don’t judge yourself there is no one left to judge. When there is not neediness in your experience = there actually isn’t neediness in your experience. 

How can you know if anyone truly loves, when you don’t know what true love is? 

Everything you both said holds the source of the answer to the question asked. Very sound advice and even cutting the idea of a relationship out of it these ideologies are life changing once truly brought into "being".

Love yourself fully and your perception of "selves" will love you back. Though there is truly no self and it's all just Love, but I digress.

[Eph75]

 

25 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

How can I know (or what signs) that my friendship bond with the man is strong and genuine ?

By not being carried away by enfatuation, being able to have some self-distance and observe your own enfatuation also allows you to observe the relationship from a healthier perspective. 

As said before, working on yourself, increasing your awareness, awareness of own thought processes and behaviors, and of what is happening around you, and you working on increasing your cognitive skills/complexity of meaning making will allow you to better identify, interpret and understand what is happening in the relationship as well as read you partner.

This is a lot connected to understanding toxicity in self, others and in relationships. 

On top of this, people actually behave differently when enfatuated, due to hormones in the brain making us more caring, loving, accepting, accommodating and all of this can be interpreted as love.

The same goes for drive for sex, that drive manipulates our mind to get our needs met. 

Seeing and understanding enfatuation (and sex drive) at play, the behaviors related to it, and knowing that enfatuation eventually declines as it's a chemical bonding process happening, it's easier not to blindly get swept away with that process. 

And, seeing enfatuation and sex drive in self and other. 

This does allows you to see more clearly, assess more clearly, pickup on toxicity more clearly and also to shift conversation into a deeper mode, pressing past this hormonal game, better seeing the authentic other. 

Still all of this is fully dependent on your own development, as lack of self-development means lack of abilities to make sense of what is happening in and around you. 

Edited July 21, 2021 by Eph75

[Preety_India]

3 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Preety_India

Yes. Meditation is literal brainwashing. 

I'm glad you realised this. Absolutely. 

 

[Preety_India]

2 minutes ago, Eph75 said:

 

By not being carried away by enfatuation, being able to have some self-distance and observe your own enfatuation also allows you to observe the relationship from a healthier perspective. 

As said before, working on yourself, increasing you awareness, awareness of own thought processes and behaviors, and of what is happening around you, and yoy working on increasing your cognitive skills/complexity of meaning making will allow you to better identify, interpret and understand what is happening in the relationship as well as read you partner.

This is a lot connected to understanding toxicity in self, others and in relationships. 

On top of this, people actually behave differently when enfatuated, due to hormones in the brain making us more caring, loving, accepting, accommodating and all of this can be interpreted as love.

The save goes for drive for sex, that drive manipulates our mind to get our needs met. 

Seeing and understanding enfatuation (and sex drive) at play, the behaviors related to it, and knowing that enfatuation eventually declines as it's a chemical bonding process happening, it's easier not to blindly get swept away with that process. 

And, seeing enfatuation and sex drive in self and other. 

This does allows you to see more clearly, assess more clearly, pickup on toxicity more clearly and also to shift conversation into a deeper mode, pressing past this hormonal game, better seeing the authentic other. 

Still all of this is fully dependent on your own development, as lack of self-development means lack of abilities to make sense of what is happening in and around you. 

This answer makes sense. However the core of the question is - how to know if a person is authentic and is really going to value the relationship ? 

I mean it's a question of investment. What's the point if I invest into the relationship financially and emotionally only to realise that the person is going to throw the relationship away at some point.

Of course a future can never be guaranteed. 

But it always feels good to be on the safer side.

 

[RendHeaven]

9 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Preety_India

Yes. Meditation is literal brainwashing. 

@Nahm Haha, that's so clever. Mental hygiene  

[4201]

@Nahm @RendHeaven This one was too good ???