Moving in with the BF

[Vzdoh]

Hey guys, wanted advice from men mostly. 

I am in a committed relationship with a great guy. He cares about me, takes me out in dates, we have deep conversations, sex is good and although he works quite a bit, he tries hard to spend most of his free time with me. 

I left the country for a month to handle some urgent family issues at home. My mom is severely sick and he was so supportive in that moment and that's when I understood that I do have deep feelings for him and he is truly a great guy. 

He is an alpha too. Senior director, drives 2 Porsches and quite wealthy. 

So I am at the point where things are clear to me and I want to become closer, like move in together. He didn't say LOVE word yet, but he acts like he does. 

Now the question is how to approach the convo about moving in and living together? 

He didn't bring up this topic himself although did say that i am a very special person for him. But he was single before me for awhile, so I am not sure if 3 months is too short for him. He really took his time to get to know me before having sex. 

I am also wondering if I bring this up and he is not ready, then what? 

Kinda puzzled. Haven't dated anyone in awhile who I really wanted to take things that far. 

Any comments or suggestions? 

[Windappreciator]

I don't understand the question. None here knows his psyche sufficiently enough to help you with the right approach for this. 

If it were me, just ask me. If he thinks asking straight is a reason to not like you, I don't know if he is the right one then?

I am not even sure being this cautious with a person you love means you are to move together with eachother.

But I am glad you found that feeling in somemone.

Edited July 20, 2021 by Windappreciator

[flowboy]

You want to move in before you say that you love each other?

[Vzdoh]

Well, I did say I loved him or rather texted him cause where I was at that moment when the feeling hit me, internet connection was so bad! I could only text instead of a video call. 

He responded that I am a very special person for him and said if I need any support whatsoever with my mom situation, I can rely on him. That's what hit me the deepest. 

I am not afraid to just tell him that I want to move in. 

I am just trying to be considerate here not to jump the gun before he is ready. Thinking maybe to wait when he feels that way too and suggests it himself? 

Worst thing is to push him to do stuff he is not quite ready yet but maybe will find it hard to say no if I flat out ask him. 

That's my train of thought. 

[flowboy]

Interesting.

Is he the type of person who finds it hard to say no?

[Nahm]

@Vzdoh

It’s kinda your place in this sense. You’re free to ask whoever you want to move in with you. 

Curious, how is his wealth relevant (mentioned again)? 

[Vzdoh]

@flowboy Based on what I know about him and his relationships, it is difficult for him to say no to people he loves or cares about mostly out of feelings of responsibility for them and how they feel about him I think. 

[Vzdoh]

@Nahm not relevant that much. Just mentioned it to describe that he is a true alpha guy but with a warm heart for limited number of people he loves and cares about. 

And its me moving in with him. His place. So it's not my place to ask I think. 

[Nahm]

@Vzdoh

Oh, you’re thinking of asking him if you can move in with him. 

How’s the ‘true’ & ‘alpha’ relevant? 

[Vzdoh]

@Nahm yes. Relevant because I don't think he would like being pushed to do anything he is not ready for yet. Thus this post and me trying to be extra considerate. 

[flowboy]

Three months does really seem very soon. Especially for someone who hasn't said they love you yet. You said it to him, and he responded diplomatically, saying everything but: meaning that that level of commitment is still too much for him. So why try to skip that and push it to the next?

 

[Nahm]

@Vzdoh

Does he say / identify as a ‘true alpha guy’ or is that your projection? 

[flowboy]

It's okay if you are ready for the next step faster than the other person. But it's good to let them catch up. Because now you're 2 steps ahead. Now he doesn't feel like he's winning you over anymore, on the contrary, he feels like he has to put on the brakes.

[Vzdoh]

@flowboy well, you do have a point and I was thinking about it and got quite upset that it seems he is not therr yet. But he does have issues expressing his feelings in like words. He is mostly the guy who shows with action, rather than words. And how he supported me through the crisis with my mom show me he loves me and cares about me. 

But also, from the other point, I think I should tell him how I feel - that I want to live together - otherwise if I keep it all inside and be waiting patiently until he will say I love you, it will eat me out from inside and will reduce my level of feelings for him in the process. 

So I am puzzled really what to do? 

[Vzdoh]

@flowboy nothing changed much in his behavior after I told him I loved him. He still texts regularly as usual and we r having calls while i am still abroad and away. But on a distance hard to say really if there are any minor changes. 

[Opo]

3 minutes ago, Vzdoh said:

@flowboy well, you do have a point and I was thinking about it and got quite upset that it seems he is not therr yet. But he does have issues expressing his feelings in like words. He is mostly the guy who shows with action, rather than words. And how he supported me through the crisis with my mom show me he loves me and cares about me. 

But also, from the other point, I think I should tell him how I feel - that I want to live together - otherwise if I keep it all inside and be waiting patiently until he will say I love you, it will eat me out from inside and will reduce my level of feelings for him in the process. 

So I am puzzled really what to do? 

Tell him. 

If he's not ready now he'll be ok because he's an alpha. 

[flowboy]

I've never gotten a guy to move in with me. So I don't have the how-to.

But perhaps there's tips or tricks to it that I don't know about.

It's probably good to drop some hints, like commenting: "Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to live together", and then see if he says anything, and otherwise just move on with the conversation.

Honestly I think you should ask some women, preferably women who actually have moved in with guys.

@Emerald @Etherial Cat 

@mandyjw

Edited July 20, 2021 by flowboy

[Vzdoh]

@flowboy after he didn't fully reciprocate I was actually thinking about pulling away slightly cause I don't want imbalance and me 2 steps ahead and him putting on breaks. 

But I think if i dont share how I feel - that I am ready to try to live together, that will make it worse for the entire relationship, cause I will feel that relationship is stagnating and not moving forward and I am in some kinda limbo. 

At the same time I do have a tendency to take control over things cause it gives me comfort being in control of the situation and here i will have to wait until he catches up for however long it might be.. 

[flowboy]

It's okay to share how you feel and where you are. Being honest is never a bad idea in a relationship.

However, if he says you've only dated for 3 months, and that's crazy fast... then I'd have to say he's right.

But maybe he'll agree, who knows

 

You can say it in a way where he doesn't feel obligated. For example, don't forget to say: "But that's just something I'm thinking about, I'd like to know your thoughts, but no rush, if you're not there yet, totally cool". And if he doesn't respond on the spot then maybe he'll think about it and respond later.

 

Do you have something else in your life that you can focus on to distract yourself from this? You will need some patience, and I feel like you're overly eager at the moment.

Edited July 20, 2021 by flowboy

[Vzdoh]

@flowboy well, timeline is arbitrary. If u just go on dates and conversations are very superficial and surface level, and you both didn't get to know each other on a deeper level like we did, maybe it's fast. But we shared some deep shit and he knows everything about me as a person and my values and my mom issues. I shared everything - the good, the bad, and the ugly. Same for him. So from that perspective I feel like it's a logical next step to move in together.