When Will I Stop Missing My Ex?

[melodydanielluna]

When will I stop missing my ex?  

I don’t constantly miss him.  It’s more like I get these ‘episodes’ where I am plagued by an intense longing for him.  I could go two weeks not even thinking about him and then, seemingly out of nowhere, I miss him.

I was with him for five years, between the ages of twenty-one to twenty-six, very developmental years of my life.  All that time, I truly believe he was ‘the one’.  I also went through my eating disorder recovery while I dated him, and he supported me all through that.

While I was with him, he took me into his family and they all treated me quite nicely.  My ex was controlling however.  Very caring, but very controlling.  He had a vision for how I should live my life, for what was best for me in his eyes, and he made it very apparent that he was disappointed when I didn’t act in alignment with that vision.  While being controlled wasn’t good, I loved being cared for.  As gross as it was, he was sort of a parental or mother figure for me; he was nurturing and emotionally supportive, in a way I had never experienced before.

I think that’s the thing I miss the most, the emotional care, because I tend to miss him when I am feeling emotionally out of sorts.  In hindsight, I do feel our relationship was codependent and I am actually glad it’s gone.  This last year and half I have learned so much about how to take care of myself.  And yet sometimes I still miss his care.  

So what gives?  Am I withdrawing from codependency?  Or am I still healing a broken heart?  (I broke up with him, but he cheated on me, which after five years, was pretty devastating.) I know a time cannot be calculated, but when will I stop missing him?  Is it weird that it feels both good and bad to miss him?  Am I healing or just ruminating? Can I remember the good aspects of our relationship (the camping trips, the lake days, the hikes, the baked goods, the Christmases, etc.) while still understanding that ultimately he is not right for me?

[Waken]

Most people try to fill the idea of a void within them, and then look for outwards things to fill it up; substances, relationships, food, etc. What I would do is to recognize that someone who is controlling me, is not actually the relationship I prefer. Maybe I would question if there is something in me that has benefitted from the controlling behavior. Maybe I didn't think/feel highly of myself, and this controlling relationship was attracted because of that. I think that waves of missing him is very normal, that happens to people all the time. I think that maybe for you there is a big gift for you by not trying to distract yourself or trying to fill the void again when you feel you miss him by grasping to food/television/other activities, and allowing yourself to be present with how you feel.
Maybe this video resonates with you? :-) 

Much love,

Edited July 19, 2021 by Waken

[RickyFitts]

I think the longing is your wounded inner child reaching out for comfort in those moments when you feel low - I experience this myself from time to time in relation to an ex I had a very strong emotional connection with (happened just the other day, funnily enough), I think it's something that's especially common in people who didn't receive the emotional support they needed when they were children (not saying this is necessarily true of you, melody, though I know it was true of me). So learning to self-parent is very important in dissolving these emotional attachments, I think, being present with yourself in those moments when you do feel low, as Waken said, allowing yourself to release any upset you may be feeling. If you have someone in your life who can be a shoulder to cry on or who can just give you a kiss and a cuddle, that can also be hugely healing.

[Thought Art]

Damn, I feel this. I still miss many of my ex's sometimes. Overall I think time helps, journaling about it and starting new relationships etc.

Edited July 19, 2021 by Thought Art

[Roy]

As cliché as it is; time is the healer.

18 hours ago, melodydanielluna said:

Can I remember the good aspects of our relationship (the camping trips, the lake days, the hikes, the baked goods, the Christmases, etc.) while still understanding that ultimately he is not right for me?

Yes, but only if you are conscious about it and are trying to grow 

[melodydanielluna]

Thank you everyone.  These words were very helpful and soothing.  

I had an epiphany while journaling just now, which does align with what you guys were saying.  I don’t do much miss him; he wasn’t a good partner for me.  He was very controlling and belittling, but I didn’t miss this at the time as it excused me from making my own adult decisions and developing myself. 
 

A lot of the things I miss are things I am able to give to myself and things I have been learning to give to myself.  I am going to observe where these periods of missing him arise and see if there is any pattern to them.  For example, do they occur when I haven’t been taking care of myself?  When I feel overwhelmed by life?  Etc.

[RickyFitts]

2 hours ago, melodydanielluna said:

 

I am going to observe where these periods of missing him arise and see if there is any pattern to them.  For example, do they occur when I haven’t been taking care of myself?  When I feel overwhelmed by life?  Etc.

Great idea 

[Gianna]

@melodydanielluna Ultimately, we are one. So consider the idea that your 'ex' never really emotionally supported or comforted you. But that it was you comforting and supporting yourself. It was you giving yourself the feeling of comfort and love. You have always and will always know what you need at an existential level. Your feelings tell you so. So follow your feelings. Consider the longing for comfort, validation, emotional support as an indicator that you are ready to enter into a higher-level relationship with somebody where you can fulfill this need for intimacy healthily. 

You can choose to fulfill this emotional need yourself by being your own best emotional support system. Or, you can decide that you want someone else to fulfill this role and get into another intimate relationship with someone. Either way, you are depending on yourself. Do you see? 'Co-dependency' doesn't exist at the dimension of oneness. 'Depending' on someone is only depending on yourself because we are one.

What made your last relationship 'codependent' in a toxic way is the control and manipulation you speak of. But you do not need control and manipulation. You need to let yourself fulfill your needs directly instead of indirectly. And realize that you are worthy of meeting these needs unconditionally and indefinitely. Once your needs are met, the toxicity is gone. It sounds like you are ready to give yourself healthy belonging and connection– regardless if you give it to yourself or if you get it from someone else. Both are YOU. 

Edited July 26, 2021 by Gianna

[RickyFitts]

33 minutes ago, Gianna said:

You need to let yourself fulfill your needs directly instead of indirectly. 

I'm struggling with this (quite possibly because I'm just a bit slow), what do you mean by fulfilling our needs indirectly? Could you give an example?

Edited July 26, 2021 by RickyFitts

[melodydanielluna]

@RickyFitts I hadn't missed him in a little while, but last night I had a dream that I was with him, and I was with his grandma, and she was hugging me and holding me.  He was treating me like crap though, but I still wanted to be around him (in the dream). 

What's interesting is today I have a job interview at a new workplace.  I really need to make a change with were I'm working, for a variety of reasons.  But obviously I am scared to.  And obviously I am nervous for the job interview.

It's interesting that my missing my ex seems to be triggered by this period of change and more specifically by this job interview in general.  I haven't been longing for him this morning like I would have in the past; instead I am focused on taking care of my own needs.

[RickyFitts]

@melodydanielluna Yeah, interesting that uncertainty in your circumstances triggers those feelings for your ex - it seems like maybe he fulfilled some sort of psychological need for you, even if you know deep down that it wasn't a healthy relationship.

Anyway, I hope the new job prospect works out, and good for you that you're focusing on taking care of your own needs 

[Gianna]

On 7/26/2021 at 3:33 PM, RickyFitts said:

Could you give an example?

@RickyFitts One example could be controlling someone. Trying to control someone is an indirect way of fulfilling a need for assurance, security, predictability, or whatever the need might be. A direct way to fulfill these needs would be to ask for it from the person directly– instead of trying to passively get it by controlling someone. 

The larger point is that to depend on someone for security, assurance, predictability, etc. is not itself bad and does not make you "codependent". What makes someone codependent is depending on the need for manipulation, indirectness, and negative coping strategies to handle emotional needs in a relationship. 

[melodydanielluna]

@RickyFitts Thank you!  I think making this shift would be a really good fit for me And yes, taking care of my needs, myself, I've learned it is important!

[RickyFitts]

@Gianna Ahh right, I'm with you - thanks for the clarification 

6 hours ago, melodydanielluna said:

@RickyFitts Thank you!  I think making this shift would be a really good fit for me And yes, taking care of my needs, myself, I've learned it is important!

Wonderful, wishing you all the best going forward