Partnership - is "second chance" a good idea?

[Spiral]

My opinion.

Don’t go through people’s phones without their permission or knowledge and break up with her.

[flowboy]

6 hours ago, Lubomir said:

She said that she started to feel that since I got my new job I changed a lot. That I started to take her as granted, using her for sex, food and so on. Not showing her the respect of what she's doing for me - not in action, but only with words. And that she feels like I'm doing the same as she did. 

And instead of bringing it up with you, she went to someone else.

And tries to make it your fault that she's not trustworthy

She should have been trustworthy no matter what. If she's not happy because you were doing X, Y and Z, then she had her chance to bring that up, without cheating on you.

I had a girl do this to me once. I had to hear it from others that she was sleeping with other guys. She explained it to me that she had no choice, because "I was working long hours and couldn't give her enough attention".

I loved her a lot. A couple days later, I packed up all the stuff that I had that was hers, even gifts she gave me, and set them down in front of her door. I rang the door bell and just started walking. Didn't even see her. She got the message though.

One of the hardest things I've done. And I should have done it sooner.

And I wish I could say I hadn't let people screw with me and disrespect me in relationships ever since, but there's been more moments where I wished in hindsight that I had sent them packing sooner.

Don't humiliate yourself.

It's only going to hurt more later.

[tsuki]

Make sure not to get into the mindset of "I made such a big fuss about it and now there's a vacuum between us". You just made this fucked up situation explicit and even if she were hurt because of your work, she made a choice that undermined your trust in her and damaged your relationship.

Secrets like these tend to fester and this vacuum would show up sooner or later. Now, at least both of you can overtly address the issue, if you decide to salvage this relationship.

[flowboy]

That's how manipulative women get you. They make you feel guilty for making a fuss about their misbehaving.

[Jacob Morres]

@flowboy yeah p sure it's gaslighting 

Edited July 20, 2021 by Jacob Morres

[flowboy]

@Jacob Morres  I'm still susceptible to it. Happened to me last year.

I was upset with her for good reason.

Then she was "offended that I would think that of her" (The classic "How dare you hurt me by telling me how I hurt you")

I ended up apologizing too.

?

[Lubomir]

Thank you guys for sharing. 

Sorry I won't respond to all of it and without tagging to who I do respond to.  It's kinda difficult to do it on the phone. 

So, you were talking about relationship dynamics and that they were set badly and that this time of ultimatum will fade away in the same dynamic (situation) as we had before, if we won't change the programs that lead us to here. 

- I agree 100℅ and I'm glad that when we were both talking about it, we came to few things that needs to change - not in the means of "you need to give me more attention", but really specific things such as "I don't want you to came from work and work again at home, because I might be waiting for you to spend some time with you". That is why I have hope... 

You also mentioned that I shouldnt read her messages without her knowing it and I agree too, did it for the first time, I thought I needed to be 100% sure if I make the decission to build up trust to her again and at that point with all of you telling me I shouldn't trust her I broke up that rule within me. 

Also strongly agree with Flowboy, when he made the point of "instead telling you that she's not happy with something, she goes to someone else" and I said exactly the same phrase to her. She responded with naming 3 occasions in which she did tell me that, but I ignored it. And, when I look back at it, she is correct in it. BUT It's not my mistake that she couldn't make it as a big deal for her - she wasn't able to communicate it as a real problem for her. Now we know, hopefuly won't forget. 

With the commentary on vacuum between us: YES, you said it perfectly. The whole issue can be seen now without avoidance and it is something that we need to go through.

 

We decided to do something new together, something that we both feel passion for and that can be used as a new connection between us. We went to a archery range yesterday and it was awesome, it was the first come out from the "vacuum" and we both agree it felt well.

Do you feel there might be some other threads to it that we didn't discuss yet? 

 

Thank you

[flowboy]

@Lubomir Good luck!

Perhaps you can rebuild it into something more solid. Who are we to say.

Be strong. Be strict. Don't get soft this time.

Hard boundaries make people feel safe.

All the best?