Freedom Within A Relationship

[Daphnedenninghoff23]

Goodmorning (It's 7:20 AM here)

I am in a relationship for 8 years. 
We have built quite an interesting dynamic over the past years. 
And mainly what is always interesting is that we always use obstacles as fuel for growth and personal development. 
I always reach new heights with the amount of satisfaction I have within myself and within my relationship because of it. 
Another thing I really appreciate is the radical honesty we both practice. My partner even talks with me when he is interested in other girls, he talks about his feelings, he literally tells me everything. 

One thing however that keeps coming up is sex.
I know we care about each other very much. Haha. I find it funny because it's kind of cliche.
I have always believed << that a relationship should be permanent. And that the man should only love me and want me. 

Very quickly, I learned that this is...not really realistic. 

I learned really fast that both my partner and I, even if we love each other, still get attracted towards others.

First I struggled with this. I thought this must mean we don't love each other. This means I am not good enough.

But through a lot of talking, we realized that this was not the case. Over the past 2 years, It has become natural for us to allow flirting, attraction, and such things to happen naturally. 

it actually caused the relationship to become even better. Because there were no feelings of bondage. We just really enjoy being with each other, we always come back to each other. 

So it's kind of like an open relationship.

However, it's mostly my partner (who is male) that has this need. 

I remember I read in a book by Osho that I am reading, that sometimes it can be good in a relationship to have an affair or to go and have fun with someone else. It can make you appreciate your partner a lot better. And I can see some truth in this. 

I feel like I am very much breaking old conditioning of what it means to be in a relationship. And sometimes it's a bit scary.

Sorry for the long ramble. But Then it's easier to understand the situation. 

So, I am mostly just curious, if anyone else has tips or useful commentary on how to deal with this consciously?
What is your experience within a relationship with this?

 

 

[Preety_India]

I don't think there is honesty here from that guy 

Furthermore when a guy says that he can love multiple women, he is only loving where he can put his dick. He is not being authentic.

Just manipulation. 

An authentic man will not manipulate you and respect your needs. 

He won't tell to okay it or normalise it 

By the way, why are you valuing yourself so low that you're ready to settle for such bullshit?

Really, how exactly do you feel when he is sleeping with another woman ? You feel great??

I'm from a third world country and even I won't settle for a man who tells me rubbish and how he likes other women, I'll simply pack my bags and leave. He can have the girls 

 

You think this is sustainable ? 

You're deceiving yourself!

 a man who wants to cheat and wants your permission is low class behaviour.

You deserve better if you are a loyal person. Find a proper man who has the stamina to value your needs and not make you sacrifice for his bullshit fantasies.

Move on and find a better man. And if you can't find a better man, then no man is needed,being single is better than tolerating such nonsense.

Self esteem lesson 101 - never put up with such cheating nonsense no matter how much ever that man/ male society convinces you. It's their agenda to keep you deluded.

 

(The only reason you can't break this relationship is because it's been 8 years and you're trying to salvage it by grasping at straws. Learn to deal with reality and find emotional independence)

 

Edited July 19, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

What you're calling freedom is actually slavery and comprise. Wake up. 

 

[cookiemonster]

1 hour ago, Daphnedenninghoff23 said:

I remember I read in a book by Osho that I am reading, that sometimes it can be good in a relationship to have an affair or to go and have fun with someone else. It can make you appreciate your partner a lot better. And I can see some truth in this. 

 

As long as there is no deception and it's totally consensual then it's perfectly fine. Open relationships can be very healthy.

What you don't want though is a relationship that is built on lies. There's a big difference between being sexually liberal and cheating on someone.

But if it's working out better for both of you then it's all good.   

[JosephKnecht]

1 hour ago, Daphnedenninghoff23 said:

So, I am mostly just curious, if anyone else has tips or useful commentary on how to deal with this consciously?
What is your experience within a relationship with this?

Open relationships require a lot of emotional maturity. If both people are not emotionally mature, it will lead to problems down the road.

I live in the Netherlands, and open-type relationships are fairly common here. For some people, they end badly, but for others, they work like a charm. 

In order for these types of relationships to work, you have to be completely honest with yourself. If you have any personal insecurities (thinking that you are not good enough, etc), eventually this will lead to jealousy and problems. 

If you are happy when your partner shares his body with another person because his happiness translates into your happiness, then you will be fine. Also, your partner has to be happy for you when you do the same.  

You have to decide what works best for you. 

 

[flowboy]

@Daphnedenninghoff23  Sounds like for you guys, at this time, it is healthy.

You may want to go back to closed at some point, and that should be perfectly fine and guilt-free.

If you feel good about it, why second-guess it?

The relationship should always come first, though.

You should always feel like you are free to put the breaks on the open thing, and just go back to just being together. Without feeling guilty, or like you're depriving him.

When a third person's needs have to be considered, that's when it gets real messy.

Loyalty should be with each other, and any third person should know that they are not on equal grounds with you, they are a guest and will remain a guest. You can see them out any time.

 

I'm a guy who has a relationship. The idea of having this freedom appeals to me. It would appeal to any guy. That doesn't mean I need it.

Calling it a 'need' is a bit strong. Because that makes you wrong for depriving him, if you choose to not want to be open.

I think it's more like a fantasy. Or an innate drive. (But not all innate drives have to be satisfied, for example, when I'm angry enough, I have an innate drive to kill someone. But it's not in anyone's best interest if I do that.)

Being able to explore it a bit should be a gift, an extra, a cherry on top.

Something that goes away immediately when there's more important things to take care of, such as working on your relationship.

To summarize: if you feel okay, it is okay. When you feel pressure to keep being okay with it, that's when it becomes a problem.

Edited July 19, 2021 by flowboy

[flume]

@Daphnedenninghoff23 Seems like you guys have gone through some amazing growth together. The "risk" in being very honest is that, there might be a point where you decide it doesn't make sense to be together anymore. Just keep the communication going and see where it takes you. I think you're doing much better than you realise.

Just be very honest with yourself. How do you feel about the fact that he's with other women? Is it ok for you? Do you still trust him? Do you still feel safe with him?

If so, where's the problem? Just because its against the norm doesn't mean you can't become very happy going for it

Just make it a regular practice to check in with yourself and communicate your feelings with him. Honesty will always find a way.

@Preety_India What manipulation is going on when you're completely honest with each other and only doing things that are ok for both of you? Being open and honest about what you need and wish for is the highest good in any relationship and the only way it's gonna turn out well.

Just because you couldn't deal with it doesn't mean it can't work for other couples. I don't like the way you use words like "cheating" and "low self esteem" to describe a perfectly healthy couple finding its way. So misleading.

[Preety_India]

37 minutes ago, flume said:

What manipulation is going on when you're completely honest with each other and only doing things that are ok for both of you? Being open and honest about what you need and wish for is the highest good in any relationship and the only way it's gonna turn out well.

Just because you couldn't deal with it doesn't mean it can't work for other couples. I don't like the way you use words like "cheating" and "low self esteem" to describe a perfectly healthy couple finding its way. So misleading.

Maybe you're misleading her. She wouldn't be here in the first place doubting things if it was so perfectly healthy..

I don't like how you're trying to normalise it when she is clearly having doubts.

 

[Daphnedenninghoff23]

21 hours ago, cookiemonster said:

 

As long as there is no deception and it's totally consensual then it's perfectly fine. Open relationships can be very healthy.

What you don't want though is a relationship that is built on lies. There's a big difference between being sexually liberal and cheating on someone.

But if it's working out better for both of you then it's all good.   

Hello, thankyou. 

Yeah it is consensual. He wouldn't do it if we both did not agree on it. 
And it often leads to very very interesting conversations. 

I wouldn't want to change it for a dime. 

The honesty part is for me the most important part. It's key.

[Daphnedenninghoff23]

21 hours ago, JosephKnecht said:

Open relationships require a lot of emotional maturity. If both people are not emotionally mature, it will lead to problems down the road.

I live in the Netherlands, and open-type relationships are fairly common here. For some people, they end badly, but for others, they work like a charm. 

In order for these types of relationships to work, you have to be completely honest with yourself. If you have any personal insecurities (thinking that you are not good enough, etc), eventually this will lead to jealousy and problems. 

If you are happy when your partner shares his body with another person because his happiness translates into your happiness, then you will be fine. Also, your partner has to be happy for you when you do the same.  

You have to decide what works best for you. 

 

I do have personal insecurities, as a lot of people do. Not all the time though. But I noticed that self-reflection, and honesty and communication help very well. 

Thank you for sharing your view. I appreciate it. 

[Daphnedenninghoff23]

20 hours ago, flowboy said:

@Daphnedenninghoff23  Sounds like for you guys, at this time, it is healthy.

You may want to go back to closed at some point, and that should be perfectly fine and guilt-free.

If you feel good about it, why second-guess it?

The relationship should always come first, though.

You should always feel like you are free to put the breaks on the open thing, and just go back to just being together. Without feeling guilty, or like you're depriving him.

When a third person's needs have to be considered, that's when it gets real messy.

Loyalty should be with each other, and any third person should know that they are not on equal grounds with you, they are a guest and will remain a guest. You can see them out any time.

 

I'm a guy who has a relationship. The idea of having this freedom appeals to me. It would appeal to any guy. That doesn't mean I need it.

Calling it a 'need' is a bit strong. Because that makes you wrong for depriving him, if you choose to not want to be open.

I think it's more like a fantasy. Or an innate drive. (But not all innate drives have to be satisfied, for example, when I'm angry enough, I have an innate drive to kill someone. But it's not in anyone's best interest if I do that.)

Being able to explore it a bit should be a gift, an extra, a cherry on top.

Something that goes away immediately when there's more important things to take care of, such as working on your relationship.

To summarize: if you feel okay, it is okay. When you feel pressure to keep being okay with it, that's when it becomes a problem.

Yeah, I like what you said. We do always have the choice to close up the relationship. I notice we often go through phases where we are very very deeply involved only with each other. And it's the best thing ever. And then we have phases where he is more interested in other girls. And he wishes to explore that. The funny part is that in these 8 years, he only had actual sex with another girl just once. 

He does flirt a lot. And I always feel very grateful when he tells me how he feels. He also often shares with me the insights he has regarding projections he has on other women. Like making them be something they are not. We are both quite philosophical. So it's a bit of a learning experience. 

I notice that I actually never really feel like being with another guy. But I have the same freedom he does. I just don't feel like it. I do like being on my own sometimes and just reading a book in the sun. haha. 

I agree that a third person involved can get messy. But the weird and interesting thing about our relationship is that there is just no guarantee that he won't catch feelings for someone else. Or that he might leave. We are very aware of this. 

And I believe that if that's the case. The relationship ends naturally. Or not. Who knows. When not doing this all according to "normal" relationship ideas.. it often leaves me a bit like... Okay, so what do I do next? Nobody can really tell me?

And yeah, the needs we have, they pass. We don't have to follow them blindly. And funny enough, I feel there are still a lot of lessons my partner needs to learn regarding his sexuality. And this is also my view on it. We learn through experience. So if he believes something about other girls, then it is his journey to explore and see if he believes are true? Most often our expectations and beliefs are not true. 

I just don't like the idea of telling him. Okay, we are in a relationship. So now you have to live by these and these rules. 

It is a gift. I am very very grateful for all the experiences I am having. 
Sometimes I do feel fear, jealousy, a lot of things actually. 

But I explore these. Talk about these. And gain great insights from these.

Things change. The relationship might end. We can't know what the future holds. 
But we also might stay together. 

Thankyou for you time and for sharing your view.