Dating Advice for Women - How to Attract a Man that Mirrors You

[Emerald]

Since this is a very male-dominated forum, I figured I would put a few bits of advice on here for a woman looking to find her match.

1. Work on yourself psychologically - (Number One Advice!!!) You will only ever find a man who mirrors your Shadow until you integrate it, so integrate your Shadow so that you won't attract or be attracted to it in real life. Work on getting rid of any self-esteem issues and codependent tendencies especially, as these tend to attract abusive men. 

2. Know and respect your own boundaries - This means knowing what you do and don't want and knowing what your dealbreakers are. You don't have any ability to change anyone. But you can be firm about what you want and sort anyone who doesn't fit.

3. Make your relationship decisions with an 80/20 heart to mind ratio - Most relationship decisions should be made by following your emotions, instincts, and intuition as this will always bring you to who mirrors you (either mirroring your shadow or your personality). But you should also keep the mind around to keep sight on your boundaries and dealbreakers. But avoid letting the mind create huge lists of traits that you require a partner to possess. The mind will sort everyone if you let it lead over the heart. 

4. Adopt the "I am the prize" mindset in dating - Never chase anyone or compete for anyone's attention, no matter how much you care about him. The man should be the one reaching out 75% of the time as he is the one winning you over, not the other way around. The egg does not chase the sperm. 

5. Be friendly and social with a network of people who are cut from the same cloth as you - Have a strong social network with many acquaintances, friends, and very close friends. This is the best way to meet a partner. Honestly... this bit of advice should be number one for both men and women! It's the best way to meet someone.

6. Never date a guy who is outside your social network - This one might seem extreme to many people because of us living in a very atomized society. But it's super important! The advice here is, if you haven't known and interacted with a guy platonically for at least a month or two, then don't go out with that guy... not even on a 30 minute coffee date. If your relationship to a man starts out on a romantic/sexual foot, it doesn't give enough platonic time to develop a proper attraction or bond. It's also a red flag because he probably starts off on that foot with many women. Also, full stop, don't do dating apps. Dating apps blunt the intuition... which is your best tool in dating. 

7. Nothing lukewarm - Only form relationships with men who you feel very strongly about. Let your intuition show you who you like. 

8. Develop your own unique style - When you have your own style, of course, do it for yourself. But a perk of having a unique style is that you'll tend to attract men of similar tastes. Also, it tends to repel the men who don't share your tastes. 

9. Don't try too hard - Be yourself and meet people. And if a man strikes your fancy, then don't overthink it. Interact with him casually and playfully but don't come on too strong. 

10. Look out for red flags - A lot of this has to do with numbers 1 and 2, so begin there first. But also watch out for red flags that indicate that a given man is unkind or has weak character. For example, things like not having a job, being rude to waitstaff, making jokes at other's expense. 

11. Know your green flags - Know which positive qualities you require in a partner. (For example - kindness, respect, hard-working, discipline, etc.) 

12. Be in your Yin energy - Similar to number 4. Be in your Yin energy, which means focusing towards being, receptivity, warmth, creativity, intuition, etc. This will not only attract men in general... it will also attract compatible men who appreciate your unique Yin energy. 

Edit: One last piece of advice...

You must understand that love is blind and that there is a chance you will fall in love with any man you spend a considerable amount of time with. And once that deeper bond happens, it will be difficult to sever the attraction. So, be sure that you only spend a lot of time around men of strong character. If you're hanging out with violent criminals, you'll likely fall for a violent criminal. If you're hanging out with immature men, you'll likely fall for an immature man. If you're hanging out with good men, you'll likely fall for a good man. 

Edited July 17, 2021 by Emerald

[flowboy]

29 minutes ago, Emerald said:

6. Never date a guy who is outside your social network - This one might seem extreme to many people because of us living in a very atomized society. But it's super important! The advice here is, if you haven't known and interacted with a guy platonically for at least a month or two, then don't go out with that guy... not even on a 30 minute coffee date. If your relationship to a man starts out on a romantic/sexual foot, it doesn't give enough platonic time to develop a proper attraction or bond. It's also a red flag because he probably starts off on that foot with many women. Also, full stop, don't do dating apps. Dating apps blunt the intuition... which is your best tool in dating. 

Ehm... what?

So many examples I personally know of relationships that worked out great and are still together, that you would have told to "not even go on a 30 minute coffee date"?

Please check your extreme statements for projection there.

 

That's my only gripe.

Other tips are great!

So glad someone is doing this. Thank you.

Finding a good quality guy is a real problem, I hear it from friends all the time.

Edited July 17, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

@flume Anything to add perhaps?

[Emerald]

Just now, flowboy said:

Ehm... what?

So many examples I personally know of relationships that worked out great and are still together, that you would have told to "not even go on a 30 minute coffee date"?

Please check your extreme statements for projection there.

 

That's my only gripe.

Other tips are great!

So glad someone is doing this.

Finding a good quality guy is a real problem, I hear it from friends all the time.

My experience is that I need a few platonic months to really read my intuition about someone and discover my attraction to them.

And beginning a relationship with someone on a romantic foot just makes everything lukewarm because it takes all the tension out of the situation. And getting things to a boiling point is necessary for me to fall in love and sexually bond with someone. Otherwise the spell doesn't really take. 

I have very strong feelings about the current structure of society getting us far away from our communal natural instincts, and modern methods of dating are one reflection of this instinctual blunting. 

So, my experience has been that a man must already be part of my tribe for me to know intuitively if I'm interested in him. 

[flowboy]

@Emerald I still remain a bit skeptical whether that applies to everyone. But the relationships I can think of that are great, I have to admit there was some level of knowing and learning about each other at least for some weeks before the first date.

So I don't know.

Let's hear from some ladies.

[Jacob Morres]

awesome tips great post. this could work for men too i think

 

16 minutes ago, Emerald said:

So, my experience has been that a man must already be part of my tribe for me to know intuitively if I'm interested in him. 

downside is that your options get decreased a lot though?

Edited July 17, 2021 by Jacob Morres

[Emerald]

1 minute ago, flowboy said:

@Emerald  I understand that that is your experience and I respect that. And so it's good advice for you.

I feel pretty strongly that that's not how every new relationship works however. In fact, I'm sure about it. My girlfriend and I definitely had it going from the start, and we are beyond a doubt right for each other. I can't even imagine us spending months platonically - that's so unrealistic for us it's laughable.

So I think you're assuming that what works for you will work for everyone. Whilst in actuality, what works for you will only work for people who are like you in some specific ways. Finding out what those are could make your advice more powerful and targeted.

Maybe it is that way for some people. Though I do suspect that it isn't just me. I suspect that female sexuality generally does function that way. 

But regardless, I still stand by what I say as advice for women. 

Maybe for your girlfriend, jumping into a relationship with your right away was good because you're presumably not a bad guy. 

But I definitely wouldn't recommend it as general advice.

Develop a strong social network. Get to know a guy for a few months platonically at first as part of your social network. Then, you'll know two things... 1. Are you really interested it him? 2. Is he a decent guy?

[Emerald]

5 minutes ago, Jacob Morres said:

awesome tips great post 

 

downside is that your options get decreased a lot though?

For men, the challenge is attracting. So, I can see why you would think that.

But for women, the challenge is not attracting... but sorting the wheat from the chaff in terms of compatibility and quality. 

Having fewer but higher quality/higher compatibility options is WORLDS better from a woman's perspective than just having tons and tons of options. Most of latter will be spam. 

This is why having a social circle of people on the same wavelength is a woman's best friend in terms of finding a compatible partner. 

 

Edited July 17, 2021 by Emerald

[flowboy]

15 minutes ago, Emerald said:

Maybe it is that way for some people. Though I do suspect that it isn't just me. I suspect that female sexuality generally does function that way. 

But regardless, I still stand by what I say as advice for women. 

Maybe for your girlfriend, jumping into a relationship with your right away was good because you're presumably not a bad guy. 

But I definitely wouldn't recommend it as general advice.

Develop a strong social network. Get to know a guy for a few months platonically at first as part of your social network. Then, you'll know two things... 1. Are you really interested it him? 2. Is he a decent guy?

I actually retracted that post, because I realised that in most of the well-working relationships that I know personally, there were some months of the woman simply knowing the guy in some way.

However, there's still relationships that start with Tinder and work out really well. Or with a spontaneous approach/meeting and fire at first sight.

I can be on board with advising women to not put their hopes into that route working out. Your way is probably better.

What's not better, is if you've met someone outside your social circle anyway, and want to still make it work, to then try to be friends for a couple months first. That definitely would be interpreted as a sign of disinterest, or some attachment issue.

That's not what you advise, but people might interpret it that way.

 

I don't know, Emerald, you are opening my mind. Maybe you're on to something that I simply never spotted.

 

[Emerald]

1 minute ago, flowboy said:

What's not better, is if you've met someone outside your social circle anyway, and want to still make it work, to then try to be friends for a couple months first. That definitely would be interpreted as a sign of disinterest, or some attachment issue.

That's not what you advise, but people might interpret it that way.

Number 3 is very important too. Your intuition should outweigh your mind's rules most of the time. The mind would sort everyone if it were in charge of this department. So, if your intuition really does fire for someone you've just met, then go with it... but bring your brain. 

It's just that many women do put stock in dating apps and men they just met and they end up in unfulfilling or bad relationships. And that's in large part because their intuition didn't have time to work its magic and they took a gamble. Sometimes gambles work... but mostly the house wins. 

It's much safer, more fulfilling, and more in tune with our communal instincts to form romantic bonds with men we already know from day to day life. 

Go read some erotica (which has a primary female readership). Most of the story lines are based around going to bed with someone they've known and admired from afar for a while. And that's not an accident. That's what's genuinely most exciting.

You like a guy and admire him from afar. And the tension rises and rises as you wonder if he feels the same way. And then, if he does, you get together and make love and it's amazing. And if he doesn't, it's a tragedy. That's not a bug, that's a feature.  

Women are adapting to the way things work and meeting random guys on dating apps. But it's pretty "meh". Many women will settle for "meh" rather than be alone. But it doesn't make it not "meh." That's why I said "nothing lukewarm". 

Note, that you won't find very much erotica about meeting some guy on Tinder or meeting some pick up artist... unless it happens to be someone from the protagonist's past.

It's always about Johnny who works over in the next cubicle or Bill that dreamy barista at the coffee shop. Or maybe even Mr. Morgan, the handsome but much older professor that the protagonist shared a special bond with when she was a student. 

My experience is that female sexual attraction is like Kimchi. It has to emotionally ferment for a while to be any good. But it also consequently makes it safer.

[flowboy]

@Emerald Interesting stuff!

[Emerald]

1 minute ago, flowboy said:

@Emerald Interesting stuff!

Thank you!  

[TheRealVibe]

@Emerald

Very insightful post. Love point number 8, nothing gets me more than a woman with her own unique style that's similar to mine. But it also helps weeding out the people you wouldn't otherwise be compatible with if your styles don't match.

Also just wanted to ask a random question while talking about attracting a high value man. What do you think are good shit tests for women to use to screen for a high value man? Or are shit tests just shit tests and it doesn't really matter which ones you use.

Would appreciate your opinion on this.

 

[Emerald]

1 minute ago, TheRealVibe said:

@Emerald

Very insightful post. Love point number 8, nothing gets me more than a woman with her own unique style that's similar to mine. But it also helps weeding out the people you wouldn't otherwise be compatible with if your styles don't match.

Also just wanted to ask a random question while talking about attracting a high value man. What do you think are good shit tests for women to use to screen for a high value man? Or are shit tests just shit tests and it doesn't really matter which ones you use.

Would appreciate your opinion on this.

I don't do shit tests, and I don't recommend doing them. That feels too gamey to purposefully give someone a hard time just to see what they'll do. 

Just take your time, have clear boundaries and know who you are, what you want, and what you don't. 

Say "no" when you feel that it's right to say no. Say "yes" when you feel that it's right to say yes. 

[4201]

Does it work? Are you personally in a relationship you would consider highly fulfilling with a "man that mirrors you"?

[Emerald]

20 minutes ago, 4201 said:

Does it work? Are you personally in a relationship you would consider highly fulfilling with a "man that mirrors you"?

This is more of a list of things that I've learned from making many mistakes. These are the bits of advice I would give my younger self (though I've always known about numbers 7 and 8). And they are very much good advice. 

I am married but have been separated for 2.5 years and we were together for 9 years. We still live together with our children. It was a really rough relationship for me for a multitude of reasons that I don't feel comfortable with discussing. I really had to grit my teeth to keep it together for as long as I did. But it's much better now that we're just co-parents.

I have had a couple of long-distance relationships in the past couple years (each lasting about a year a piece), and they were both very much mirrors to me, for better or for worse. And I've learned a lot in these relationships. That's why I recommend finding a man that mirrors you. It will give you what you need to learn.

The first long-distance relationship in particular was the deepest I'd ever gone with a man, but we mirrored eachother so well that we ran into eachother's traumas eventually and I became very anxious and lost my boundaries and it turned sour. Hence the focus towards working through Shadows, setting boundaries, and knowing your deal-breakers. I loved him very much but he was a perfect mirror to what I had repressed in myself. And it was an incredibly painful breakup that brought me right into some childhood trauma that I wouldn't have otherwise brought to the surface. 

The second relationship I had was really nice and we mirrored eachother quite a lot as well. He's a very considerate person, which is something I hadn't experienced yet. We learned a lot together. But I sadly had to end it because our visions for the future were not compatible. I'd have gladly stayed with him otherwise. 

I also had a really bad relationship between age 16-20, that I was in prior to meeting my husband. I had the mindset at the time that, if I love a person then I need to sacrifice all of my boundaries for them. So, yeah... you can imagine how that went. 

So, here is my advice. It's good advice, I promise. It comes from a lot of trial and error. 

 

[4201]

@Emerald I agree it's good advice, even if my opinion doesn't really matter about this. It sure is a good contribution.

I was asking because your post gives me the impression that it is directed to you before anyone else. I have no doubt that this desire to help women of the forum is there, but in this post specifically, there seems to be a desire or need to "help" yourself first. Am I off the mark?

Edited July 18, 2021 by 4201

[Flowerfaeiry]

LOVE the parts about yin energy and being in your feminine. The platonic and dating site advice is not sound imo. 

[Jacob Morres]

@Emerald 

Well by options I meant that dating apps and things like that give you access to more people (to help you find the ones you want). Also to note that yeah there also will be simultaneously be more people who are not the right fit

Friend groups always had me skeptical because the amount of people in it was just too less to find me the exact girl I needed. But like you said if you curate it well I can see how you could make that work perhaps 

Edited July 18, 2021 by Jacob Morres

[Emerald]

1 hour ago, 4201 said:

@Emerald I agree it's good advice, even if my opinion doesn't really matter about this. It sure is a good contribution.

I was asking because your post gives me the impression that it is directed to you before anyone else. I have no doubt that this desire to help women of the forum is there, but in this post specifically, there seems to be a desire or need to "help" yourself first. Am I off the mark?

Not totally off the mark. It’s helpful to crystallize insights this way.

And I am a bit sad because I just ended my last relationship less than a month ago. And I really didn’t want to. So, this helps that way, because I don’t want to wind up in another situation again where I invest a lot of energy and love into a situation that really can’t work out.

But mostly, I wanted to share this because it is a really male-dominated space with lots of distorted viewpoints about women’s sexuality floating around... including distorted viewpoints about what men want in a partner. Mostly, if you ask half the guys on here, they would give some looks-based thing. But that only attracts but never keeps a man.

And these viewpoints can genuinely take a number on women’s self-esteem because most women are not perfect 10s. And this might make them more prone to letting go of boundaries and settling for incompatible/low character men because they feel inadequate. 

So, I wanted to give genuinely helpful advice, which focuses on inner work, firm boundaries, individuality, and the cultivation of a Yin orientation to dating.