Dating Advice for Women - How to Attract a Man that Mirrors You

[Emerald]

5 hours ago, Thunder Kiss said:

pickup guys will be hating you right now

I’m sure they will. But honestly, they’d be wise to realize that a pick up artist isn’t what most women are looking for.

Many pick up artists are under the illusion that pick up is what most women respond to because they’ve had some success in their own eyes. 

But what women really respond to is a man they know well enough to feel the natural chemistry between them that the intuition picks up on. And this can’t be faked with techniques over longer periods of time.

I need more advice on this one. How can I be more in my yin energy? as a female whom created a negative self image, built alot of walls and have a protective shield I like to hide behind and I have lived more in my masculine energy as a protection mechanism.  Receptivity is not easy for me, it feels unnatural.  I end up running myself into the ground and then hating on myself.  I have this deep rooted feeling of unhappiness and avoidance.  This makes me sometimes act cold or, as some would say, a bitch.  But at the same time I can be loving and creative and have a warm personality.  But I restrict myself because of my negative self image and feelings of unworthiness that force me to retreat and isolate myself.  I think I'm turning into my father.  Actually, I remember reading something here before when someone said that a child will embody the more dominant parent of the opposite sex.  So if the father was the dominant one, then his traits would become embedded in the female child.  and if the mother was a dominant one, her traits would embed in the male child.  I don't know how accurate this is. 

My recommendation is to look into the topic of Animus Possession. I made a video on it I’ll link below.

But foremost, Animus possession happens when a woman doesn’t feel safe being feminine.

Now, it could be more an external thing if you’re consistently around people who make you feel emotional unsafe. But if it’s an internal thing, you’d want to look for which feelings you’re trying to avoid by protecting yourself.

 

[Emerald]

Just now, Khr said:

I don’t think I’ve met 600 people throughout my whole life ?. If my coworkers that I don’t like count towards 30 people and random people around the office I pass by then I might be ok. I am comfortable seeing 5 of my friends at some point throughout the year ? #imdoomed

It is difficult to pull this off in the current structure of society unless you’re a kid in middle or high school.

But this is how small villages and tribes have always been. It’s the most commonly social order that there’s been.

There is a number called the Dunbar Number... which is 150. This is how many people a person can care about. 

So, that’s why I recommend having about 150 acquaintances... But also having even more contacts that you’re not that well acquainted with. That way you have the ability to always become better acquainted with new people which will keep your system dynamic.

And then about 30 friends with 5 or so of them being very close to you.

But unfortunately, our Orange social structure is very Individualistic and ambition oriented. So, most people sacrifice their social health to focus on making it in the world.

But I think it’s very important to push past the path of least resistance... which currently is isolation dressed up as introversion.

[Preety_India]

32 minutes ago, Emerald said:

But unfortunately, our Orange social structure is very Individualistic and ambition oriented. So, most people sacrifice their social health to focus on making it in the world.

I so agree with this. In fact this has been the anthem of my life, I am so sick of Stage Orange everywhere that I don't feel like I belong to this world anymore. 

Even though I'm an introvert and I enjoy a lot of isolation most of the time, I still want human relationships to be meaningful. 

Have you heard that proverb - it takes a village to raise a child. I strongly believe in community and social roles changing the landscape of the world. 

I always think to myself- what am I really without a community?

I think western world and especially stage Orange culture has imposed Individualism so heavily into this world. Of course I don't deny collectivism has its problems yet there's no balance in this world when it comes to that.

 

[lmfao]

2 hours ago, Emerald said:

which currently is isolation dressed up as introversion.

You didn't steal this thought from me did you? 

[Emerald]

2 hours ago, Preety_India said:

I so agree with this. In fact this has been the anthem of my life, I am so sick of Stage Orange everywhere that I don't feel like I belong to this world anymore. 

Even though I'm an introvert and I enjoy a lot of isolation most of the time, I still want human relationships to be meaningful. 

Have you heard that proverb - it takes a village to raise a child. I strongly believe in community and social roles changing the landscape of the world. 

I always think to myself- what am I really without a community?

I think western world and especially stage Orange culture has imposed Individualism so heavily into this world. Of course I don't deny collectivism has its problems yet there's no balance in this world when it comes to that.

 

Yeah, Stage Orange is really bad for that. Many of the issues of stage Orange come from atomization and disconnection.

I'm looking forward to when Green brings in a more communal focus. But we're still early in Green, so I don't think communal living will come back into vogue anytime really soon. 

We first have to learn to co-exist without giving up ourselves. This is tricky because people haven't really learned how to do this yet on the collective level.

[Emerald]

20 minutes ago, Vxvxen said:

@Emerald

hi emerald, great advice you have here, appreciate your insights, they’re helpful. Sorry to hear about your last relationship, may you meet a good one soon  
 

I would like to add one more, which is similar to your first advice.

In order to have a good relationship with another, you first ought to have a good loving relationship with yourself. The more you speak kindly, lovingly to yourself, the more self acceptance you will feel and others will accept you for the way you thought about yourself. Your vibe and your boundaries matters.

How do you make yourself feel? How do you make others feel?
 

I’ve had a hard time with being by myself, always feel the need for someone’s else to make me feel good about myself or validate me but over the years now in my late twenties when I realise that I can give the love I needed to myself, I am genuinely happy ? with or without attachments, with or without a certain desired outcome.
 

Hope this would eventually help everyone and myself to meet someone that mirrors you ❤️

Thank you.

That is important to develop a good relationship to yourself, first and foremost.

[Emerald]

7 minutes ago, lmfao said:

You didn't steal this thought from me did you? 

Were you noticing the same thing? 

A lot of times, people will call themselves introverted when it's really just a passive way to set boundaries... through distance and isolation.

Most people who end up in this pattern, have a hard time asserting their boundaries actively, so they isolate to put up a passive boundary. 

Lobsters who have shed their shells, always hide out alone until a new one grows in its place. And a human being without the ability to set boundaries is the emotional equivalent of a lobster without its shell, in terms of vulnerability to emotional harm and trauma.

[lmfao]

@Emerald Yeah that's it! I'm someone who does what you're describing 

Neuroticism can be hidden away under, or masquerade as, introversion. Social withdrawal can get chalked away as introversion 

[Emerald]

19 minutes ago, lmfao said:

@Emerald Yeah that's it! I'm someone who does what you're describing 

Neuroticism can be hidden away under, or masquerade as, introversion. Social withdrawal can get chalked away as introversion 

It's a very common pattern. I work with people as a life-coach and this probably describes 70%+ of the people I work with.

Mind you, I do tend to attract introverted types since my viewership is mostly INFPs, INFJs, INTPs, and INTJs. So, it may be a bit more of an issue than in the general population.

But I do think that this pattern effects most people because it is a problem with the anti-community way the world is currently structured. 

[Thunder Kiss]

Thanks @Emerald I watched the video, and it sounds like me in regards to the vaguness, lack of direction, etc.  I thought I was supressing my feminine, but maybe I need to integrate my masculine properly? It's really confusing.   I feel in a constant state of limbo.

Edited July 18, 2021 by Thunder Kiss

[Spiral]

On 17/07/2021 at 8:57 PM, Emerald said:

4. Adopt the "I am the prize" mindset in dating - Never chase anyone or compete for anyone's attention, no matter how much you care about him. The man should be the one reaching out 75% of the time as he is the one winning you over, not the other way around. The egg does not chase the sperm. 

While I’m a guy and do feel like a fisherman knows how to catch fish better than the fish. I do think this advice can lead to problems.

On the one hand, yes you see yourself as the price and so should men. On the other hand having a problem with him only reaching out 48% of the time I think is going to get you in trouble unnecessarily. 

Yes I get the point that you don’t want to have the girl to do 90% of the reaching out, however a 50/50-ish slip should be totally fine.

Otherwise I do agree with your list.

[Consilience]

On 7/17/2021 at 1:57 PM, Emerald said:

Never chase anyone or compete for anyone's attention, no matter how much you care about him. The man should be the one reaching out 75% of the time as he is the one winning you over, not the other way around. The egg does not chase the sperm. 

Horribly advice for a man to follow.

Men be warned - if you’re doing 75% of the initiation, she’s going to lose attraction. 

I also disagree about not starting out on a romantic foot and only dating men in your social circle. So many counter examples of successful relationships starting out romantically AND being outside social circles.

Other than those, pretty great list.

[Emerald]

56 minutes ago, Consilience said:

Horribly advice for a man to follow.

Men be warned - if you’re doing 75% of the initiation, she’s going to lose attraction. 

I also disagree about not starting out on a romantic foot and only dating men in your social circle. So many counter examples of successful relationships starting out romantically AND being outside social circles.

Other than those, pretty great list.

This is advice for relationship-seeking women to follow... so it's not advice for men.

Trust me when I say that these are good ways to screen men to see if they're good relationship material.

If he starts out on a sexual/romantic foot with you, this is a potential red flag because it means he probably approaches many women the exact same way. And pick up artists don't usually make good partners until they've long grown out of that phase. 

Also, if you don't know him platonically first, you really don't know that man.

A man will conscious or unconsciously pretend to be whatever you want him to be if he goes immediately into courtship mode. And this can end up unfulfilling/incompatible at best and dangerous at worst. So, don't date a stranger... and don't start out on a romantic foot with a stranger. This honestly feels like a "duh" thing. 

Also, generally speaking, women really want the man to chase them. This is why women are very wise to contact less than the man. It keeps her in her feminine attracting mode and makes him shift into his masculine pursuer mode. 

And if men are aloof and the woman is already invested and doesn't have firm boundaries, she will shift into her masculine pursuer mode while the man takes the more feminine role. And this really doesn't feel good to most women. It makes them feel anxious and desperate. So, if you want a woman to be desperate and anxious about you... then have her contact you more. But if you want to make your woman feel good and secure with you, pursue her.

Either way, I know what kind of experience a woman would want. And it isn't wondering if the guy is actually into you or not. 

Giving a man space and distance will give him the impetus to come closer. 

 

Edited July 19, 2021 by Emerald

[Nos7algiK]

2 hours ago, Emerald said:

. So, if you want a woman to be desperate and anxious about you... then have her contact you more. But if you want to make your woman feel good and secure with you, pursue her.

Why should there be any imbalance in pursuing a partner? Why not just 50/50 or somewhere close to that margin? I'm not here to make someone feel secure or wanted because that type of partner is a red flag to me. Someone should already feel secure and feel wanted because they have self love. Because of this self love they can intuitively feel/see that in others without the need for added external validation.

A balance of feminine/masculine energy should be established internally beforehand. Only then can you attract a truly healthy relationship with someone on the same resonance with yourself. Neither party will have to wonder if the other is interested if these traits are met. Presence is a powerful force and within this presence divine attraction will be found. The feeling of being wanted will be found in this presence also and it won't authentic if one feels the need to make the other feel wanted in order to achieve successful courting. It won't be authentically found is one holds themselves back in order to see if the other party will fulfill their needs.

When these mental games of attraction are played and we don't allow ourselves to be ourselves, be natural. Then we will only attract karmic lessons to ourselves. Pick up is all mental games and it never works for anything true and authentic. So, we should always be ourselves and even if that means many people we may get along with, find physically attractive, or maybe they are even into us will pass us by without anything stemming from it. But, the idea isn't to find someone to date and be with for a few months/years. Rather find  someone who could be considered a soulmate. This will only happen once we love ourselves enough to drop the idea of wanting to be wanted. Patience is a virtue, but this type of internal alignment will attract a (near)perfect partner in your life eventually.

[Consilience]

10 minutes ago, Nos7algiK said:

Why should there be any imbalance in pursuing a partner? Why not just 50/50 or somewhere close to that margin? I'm not here to make someone feel secure or wanted because that type of partner is a red flag to me. Someone should already feel secure and feel wanted because they have self love. Because of this self love they can intuitively feel/see that in others without the need for added external validation.

A balance of feminine/masculine energy should be established internally beforehand. Only then can you attract a truly healthy relationship with someone on the same resonance with yourself. Neither party will have to wonder if the other is interested if these traits are met. Presence is a powerful force and within this presence divine attraction will be found. The feeling of being wanted will be found in this presence also and it won't authentic if one feels the need to make the other feel wanted in order to achieve successful courting. It won't be authentically found is one holds themselves back in order to see if the other party will fulfill their needs.

When these mental games of attraction are played and we don't allow ourselves to be ourselves, be natural. Then we will only attract karmic lessons to ourselves.

Agreed. If a woman was "giving me space" to pursue 75% of the time I would just assume she wasn't interested and move on to a more enthusiastic woman. Mainly because every woman I've been involved with where the dynamic has shifted to this type of polarity, I've essentially pursued her out of my life. 
 

11 minutes ago, Nos7algiK said:

Pick up is all mental games and it never works for anything true and authentic.

Not all pickup is like this. Real pickup is about teaching a man how to be vulnerable, authentic, and non-apologetic about their sexuality with a woman. There are ways to do it without playing games or being manipulative, and women respond very well to these types of approaches.

[Nos7algiK]

Just now, Consilience said:

Not all pickup is like this. Real pickup is about teaching a man how to be vulnerable, authentic, and non-apologetic about their sexuality with a woman. There are ways to do it without playing games or being manipulative, and women respond very well to these types of approaches.

You are right, I shouldn't be so judgmental about pick-up. It's not really for me, but that doesn't mean I should demonize it.

[Consilience]

3 hours ago, Emerald said:

This is advice for relationship-seeking women to follow... so it's not advice for men.

Trust me when I say that these are good ways to screen men to see if they're good relationship material.

If he starts out on a sexual/romantic foot with you, this is a potential red flag because it means he probably approaches many women the exact same way. And pick up artists don't usually make good partners until they've long grown out of that phase. 

I can see how this may apply to the majority of men who start the initial interactions with a sexual intent, but trust me when I say if a man doesn't establish a romantic intent with a woman they're interested in from the get go, there are two huge issues.
 

1) The likelihood of a woman placing you into the friendzone is exponentially higher. There are ways with slowly ramping up attraction without starting out as friends. A first date is going to have A LOT of opportunity for platonic development, it would be attraction suicide if a man came in to a first date raging with sexual intent, constantly trying to physically escalate, etc. While it is possible for a man to build the attraction of someone they've established platonic relationships with, the odds are VERY unlikely. 

2) This is even more important - If a man is physically attracted to a woman and isn't honest about that attraction, this is extremely beta. Your strategy seems to be geared towards attracting a man. This issue is that men know within the first couple of minutes, for sure within the first interaction/hangout whether they're attracted to a woman. So if you, as a woman, are going after a man who you've established a platonic relationship with, either a) He's basically been lying about not having any attraction for you which is a huge red flag; you want a man who is HONEST, authentic, vulnerable, and un-apologetic about their attraction and sexuality. b) He wasn't very attracted to you in the first place, otherwise he wouldn't have let things play out as "friends." A man with a strong masculine presence won't accept the friendzone if he's attracted to a woman. If she's not into him sexually, s'all good, but friendship is not an option. To comprise into friendship would be dis-owning one's sexual interest and would be a direct lack of congruency. 

3 hours ago, Emerald said:

A man will conscious or unconsciously pretend to be whatever you want him to be if he goes immediately into courtship mode. And this can end up unfulfilling/incompatible at best and dangerous at worst. So, don't date a stranger... and don't start out on a romantic foot with a stranger. This honestly feels like a "duh" thing. 

If that man is only in it for sex, possibly yes. But as a man who is high value, not dangerous, and not only interested in meaningless sex, a woman would be losing out with me if she followed this advice, and to her detriment. That may sound quite conceded, but it is what it is. "I am the prize" afterall. Besides, there are plenty of high value woman who would not only NOT have an issue with things starting out romantically, but would appreciate the fact that the man isn't going to hide their attraction. It's quite attractive for women for a man to not hide their intent. 

3 hours ago, Emerald said:

Also, generally speaking, women really want the man to chase them. This is why women are very wise to contact less than the man. It keeps her in her feminine attracting mode and makes him shift into his masculine pursuer mode. 

The masculine purser mode is more about chasing after goals, their life purpose. Feminine energy is more about the pursuit and creation of relationships, family, and all of that jazz. A man who is overly concerned with this type of pursuit I would argue is more in their feminine which is very unattractive. A woman will start dropping signs when she's ready to move into a formal relationship. A man should pursue of course, but I would vehemently disagree with the idea that 1) woman like men to chase them (every woman I've "chased" has either strung me along, or it's killed the polarity and therefore attraction. Many many many anecdotes confirm this is not just me) 2) it's a masculine role to chase/pursue after relationships.

3 hours ago, Emerald said:

And if men are aloof and the woman is already invested and doesn't have firm boundaries, she will shift into her masculine pursuer mode while the man takes the more feminine role. And this really doesn't feel good to most women. It makes them feel anxious and desperate. So, if you want a woman to be desperate and anxious about you... then have her contact you more. But if you want to make your woman feel good and secure with you, pursue her.

Either way, I know what kind of experience a woman would want. And it isn't wondering if the guy is actually into you or not. 

Giving a man space and distance will give him the impetus to come closer. 

Just because a woman is doing the same amount or even a higher percentage of the pursuing does not mean she'll automatically question the man's interest. Giving a high quality man this amount of space is a recipe for letting him go, because for better or worse, there is an abundance of women out there who have no issues actively pursuing men who reciprocate that pursuit with facilitating dates, romance, and a love story. A high quality man living in an abundance of woman, looking for that high quality woman, will not be tripping out over the aloof woman. He'll be too busy living his life purpose and getting hit up by enthusiastic high quality women to keep up that level of effort. Or he'll move on and find a woman who's more enthusiastic. 

Edited July 20, 2021 by Consilience

[Flowerfaeiry]

The feminine is an active receiver. It's not so much how often the man reaches out, it's just that when he does, how does she respond?

[Surfingthewave]

@Emerald Great post. Keep doing what you're doing.

[Emerald]

4 hours ago, Nos7algiK said:

Why should there be any imbalance in pursuing a partner? Why not just 50/50 or somewhere close to that margin? I'm not here to make someone feel secure or wanted because that type of partner is a red flag to me. Someone should already feel secure and feel wanted because they have self love. Because of this self love they can intuitively feel/see that in others without the need for added external validation.

A balance of feminine/masculine energy should be established internally beforehand. Only then can you attract a truly healthy relationship with someone on the same resonance with yourself. Neither party will have to wonder if the other is interested if these traits are met. Presence is a powerful force and within this presence divine attraction will be found. The feeling of being wanted will be found in this presence also and it won't authentic if one feels the need to make the other feel wanted in order to achieve successful courting. It won't be authentically found is one holds themselves back in order to see if the other party will fulfill their needs.

When these mental games of attraction are played and we don't allow ourselves to be ourselves, be natural. Then we will only attract karmic lessons to ourselves. Pick up is all mental games and it never works for anything true and authentic. So, we should always be ourselves and even if that means many people we may get along with, find physically attractive, or maybe they are even into us will pass us by without anything stemming from it. But, the idea isn't to find someone to date and be with for a few months/years. Rather find  someone who could be considered a soulmate. This will only happen once we love ourselves enough to drop the idea of wanting to be wanted. Patience is a virtue, but this type of internal alignment will attract a (near)perfect partner in your life eventually.

You could do 50/50 if you want to. But I don’t recommend it before a committed relationship has been formed. Until then, let the man do about 3/4 of the legwork. 

Once you have a committed relationship, things can and should even out.

But my advice to women in the courtship phase, is to pursue less than he does. And this is because it will shake out better for the woman this way.

And if he’s willing to put in the effort, then that’s a very good sign that he’s really interested in you for an actual relationship instead of just as an easygoing woman to have a little fun with for a while.

And it isn’t about playing games. It’s about setting proper boundaries and avoiding getting too involved too quickly with men who are not looking for what you’re looking for. It’s about compatibility and vetting a man’s level of interest/commitment prior to getting serious with him.