Dating Advice for Women - How to Attract a Man that Mirrors You

[Emerald]

29 minutes ago, Jacob Morres said:

@Emerald 

Well by options I meant that dating apps and things like that give you access to more people (to help you find the ones you want). Also to note that yeah there also will be simultaneously ma ymore people who are not the right fit

Friend groups always had me skeptical because the amount of people in it was just too less to find me the exact girl I needed. But like you said if you curate it well I can see how you could make that work perhaps 

You’d be best to cultivate a really wide social circle for it, with several layers.

Like being familiar with 600+ people in your in-person or online vicinity, and always being open to meeting more.

Having 140-150 acquaintances within that 600 that you interact with occasionally.

Then having 30 or so friends that you see at least once a month and would invite to parties and get-togethers.

Then having like 5 or so really close friends that you see frequently.

And ideally, you find most of these people in places where people on the same wavelength spend time.

That’s what a healthy dynamic social circle looks like. It’s very similar to the social circle that high school or college sets up. 

So, you don’t really run out of options. And people who you just met can become really close friends of yours or even lovers over relatively short periods of time. 

[Nos7algiK]

Solid post, though personally as the person on the opposite end #4 does not resonate with me. The moment I stopped trying to "win" over a woman was the moment I found the love of my life through a mutual friendship with someone. I learned that if I attempted to win someone over, my mind would somewhat warp or manipulate my true being using the variables of the person I was talking to. To form the equation of what I thought they would find attractive. Not completely wearing a mask per-say, but more standing outside my house to greet them inside. Rather than being patience, opening the door, and allowing them to step inside naturally. By playing this game, the foundation of the relationship would be slightly creaky. Which can later manifest as issues in either myself or the other person since I attempted to control the flow of things rather than having it happen naturally. Also, after self reflection on what I was doing it would make me feel guilty for not being myself and using subtle manipulation to gain favor with someone. It showed me I had slight insecurities at the time, but overcoming that all really was a breath of fresh air for my essence of "being" or allowing myself to be myself without expectation of an outcome. As a women then, you would attract someone to yourself such as the way I spoke above.

Worth, value, and pursuit of these qualities should be a mutual resting place that once one finally aligns themselves with healthy self love it will naturally attract someone else who emits this same quality. No extra pursuit needed, but I don't discredit your 75% ratio as a viable outlook on it all. I'm sure you know what you are talking about lol. Hopefully your message meets many eyes.

Edited July 18, 2021 by Nos7algiK

[4201]

43 minutes ago, Emerald said:

So, this helps that way, because I don’t want to wind up in another situation again where I invest a lot of energy and love into a situation that really can’t work out.

My point is that, if you entirely follow your intuition (or feeling), you won't. Intuition is such that it automatically adjusts based on what you have experienced.

As long as you understand why it happened and what went wrong, this fear that it happens again is irrational. The fear implies that somehow you could make the same mistake again. This may lead to you judging yourself as "needing advice" or how to "do it properly this time". 

I would bet that this self-advice radio show was running in your head for a little while, until you decided to open a thread to let it out. 

My opinion is that, your true self doesn't need any advice. Your true self already knows all of this and repeating it to yourself is not going to make the pain of your previous relationship go away. If I were you, I would consider feeling those painful feelings in their entirety, so that you can be free from them for good.

That being said, I am dying of irony right now, advising someone to feel rather than feeling.  We truly love to explain the stuff we struggle with, as it keeps the struggle going. This is what I noticed in your thread and could relate with.

43 minutes ago, Emerald said:

But mostly, I wanted to share this because it is a really male-dominated space with lots of distorted viewpoints about women’s sexuality floating around... including distorted viewpoints about what men want in a partner. Mostly, if you ask half the guys on here, they would give some looks-based thing. But that only attracts but never keeps a man.

And these viewpoints can genuinely take a number on women’s self-esteem because most women are not perfect 10s. And this might make them more prone to letting go of boundaries and settling for incompatible/low character men because they feel inadequate. 

So, I wanted to give genuinely helpful advice, which focuses on inner work, firm boundaries, individuality, and the cultivation of a Yin orientation to dating.

Yup totally agree with this. I think your advice and experience is genuinely helpful, I only had something to say to the other part of this post.

Edited July 18, 2021 by 4201

[cookiemonster]

8 hours ago, Emerald said:

4. Adopt the "I am the prize" mindset in dating - Never chase anyone or compete for anyone's attention, no matter how much you care about him. The man should be the one reaching out 75% of the time as he is the one winning you over, not the other way around.

 

This sounds more like a romantic fantasy but might not be a good strategy.

If you want the best men you will have to do some of the work yourself, otherwise you may miss out.

[Emerald]

17 minutes ago, 4201 said:

My point is that, if you entirely follow your intuition (or feeling), you won't. Intuition is such that it automatically adjusts based on what you have experienced.

As long as you understand why it happened and what went wrong, this fear that it happens again is irrational. The fear implies that somehow you could make the same mistake again. This may lead to you judging yourself as "needing advice" or how to "do it properly this time". 

I would bet that this self-advice radio show was running in your head for a little while, until you decided to open a thread to let it out. 

My opinion is that, your true self doesn't need any advice. Your true self already knows all of this and repeating it to yourself is not going to make the pain of your previous relationship go away. If I were you, I would consider feeling those painful feelings in their entirety, so that you can be free from them for good.

That being said, I am dying of irony right now, advising someone to feel rather than feeling.  We truly love to explain the stuff we struggle with, as it keeps the struggle going. This is what I noticed in your thread and could relate with.

Yup totally agree with this. I think your advice and experience is genuinely helpful, I only had something to say to the other part of this post.

I really think do I need to crystallize what I wrote and get my mind right about it. 

My intuition has never really been off. It’s just that my intuition isn’t specifically looking for a happy relationship. It’s looking for deep relationship... painful or joyful, it has no preference. It wants mostly to learn, it seems.

My mind, however, is the thing that has historically lined me up to the negative experience seeking part of my intuition. And it is mostly because I have always been prone to throwing caution to the wind once I get struck by the Cupid’s Arrow.

So, in a way, my intuition has always lead me to the experiences and the pain I need to learn in the context of relationships and life in general.

A big part of my purpose is teaching. This was something I was shown in a plant medicine ceremony. 

And I have experienced quite a range of varied (mild, moderate, and severe) heartbreaks and traumas throughout my first 20 years of life. And it was clear in that revelation that this variety of trauma has been necessary for me to fulfill my purpose. And this is because I can relate to most human pain, at least a little bit.

But I would like now to switch gears. I’m hoping that I’ve had enough painful relationship experiences to suffice for my own learning. 

And I think it wise to keep these hard-won insights in mind as opposed to doing what I have done historically. 

But the relationships have gotten better as time has gone on. So, I’m hoping that for the next one, it will be better still. 

But I’m not ready for all that yet. I still have to grieve this one fully.

[Roy]

1 hour ago, Emerald said:

Like being familiar with 600+ people in your in-person or online vicinity, and always being open to meeting more.

Having 140-150 acquaintances within that 600 that you interact with occasionally.

Then having 30 or so friends that you see at least once a month and would invite to parties and get-togethers.

Then having like 5 or so really close friends that you see frequently.

Bruh, I talk to like 3 people and you guys on this forum. That's spends all my social energy credits 

Is there a place I can buy more?

[soos_mite_ah]

1 hour ago, Emerald said:

Like being familiar with 600+ people in your in-person or online vicinity, and always being open to meeting more.

Having 140-150 acquaintances within that 600 that you interact with occasionally.

Then having 30 or so friends that you see at least once a month and would invite to parties and get-togethers.

Then having like 5 or so really close friends that you see frequently.

[Emerald]

31 minutes ago, cookiemonster said:

This sounds more like a romantic fantasy but might not be a good strategy.

If you want the best men you will have to do some of the work yourself, otherwise you may miss out.

It’s not a fantasy. Trust me. This is just part of the way social dynamics tend to work between men and women.

Men tend to fantasize about very available women. But in reality, they are much less interested in pursuing women who make themselves very available to them. Most men respond to a challenge and a bit of a chase.

This requires some distance on the part of the woman.

And most women make the mistake of initiating most of the conversations and investing more than he does. 

But a good rule of thumb as a woman is to initiate 25% of the time, but let him do the rest.

He’s courting you, not the other way around.

[Emerald]

23 minutes ago, Khr said:

Omg this sounds like a total introvert nightmare ?

11 minutes ago, Roy said:

Bruh, I talk to like 3 people and you guys on this forum. That's spends all my social energy credits 

Is there a place I can buy more?

 

5 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

 

I’m an introvert too. But this is what a healthy social circle looks like.

I know it sounds like a lot. But you’ve all probably experienced this before in school. And it’s what was just common (especially in small towns and villages) until the recent couple of decades.

It’s just that the isolating way society is structured that makes this kind of social structure a chore because you have to go out of your way for it because Orange society is socially decentralized.

Luckily there is the internet where you can meet lots of people. You’re all doing it right now actually.

[4201]

31 minutes ago, Emerald said:

I really think do I need to crystallize what I wrote and get my mind right about it. 

My intuition has never really been off. It’s just that my intuition isn’t specifically looking for a happy relationship. It’s looking for deep relationship... painful or joyful, it has no preference. It wants mostly to learn, it seems.

My mind, however, is the thing that has historically lined me up to the negative experience seeking part of my intuition. And it is mostly because I have always been prone to throwing caution to the wind once I get struck by the Cupid’s Arrow.

So, in a way, my intuition has always lead me to the experiences and the pain I need to learn in the context of relationships and life in general.

I do believe that intuition will guide you toward what is the best for you. You might judge some experiences as painful but is the experience actually painful, or is it just a perspective? If you interpret an experience with someone as "something you lost" it will feel bad or painful but it's also not true because ownership isn't true anyway.

Perhaps your intuition doesn't "protect the self against loss" which make you think you need to add this protection with extra caution. But wouldn't it be more valuable to break free from this loss aversion entirely?

Breaking free would sound something like: I spent good times with this person, I've learned and I've grown thanks to them. All gains, no loss.

There might be a disconnect between what the intuition judge as happy and what the ego judge as happy. Ego thinks happiness is to have the best relationship with someone and realize the ultimate relationship fantasy. Intuition knows happiness is the present moment, regardless of relationships or anything else. Ego says "look, when I follow my intuition I get hurt!" but ego is the one judging itself as "hurt" when intuition would never claim such a thing.

43 minutes ago, Emerald said:

A big part of my purpose is teaching. This was something I was shown in a plant medicine ceremony. 

And I have experienced quite a range of varied (mild, moderate, and severe) heartbreaks and traumas throughout my first 20 years of life. And it was clear in that revelation that this variety of trauma has been necessary for me to fulfill my purpose. And this is because I can relate to most human pain, at least a little bit.

But I would like now to switch gears. I’m hoping that I’ve had enough painful relationship experiences to suffice for my own learning. 

So basically your intuition is guiding you toward something you judge as necessary to fulfill your true purpose, yet you still want to hold back and use "caution" to avoid feeling the pain again? 

I don't think learning should ever stop honestly. There's no need switch gear between student and teacher modes. You can always be both. Nobody needs to know everything to be a teacher, nobody knows everything anyway. The teaching itself is the value, regardless of who it was transmitted by.

45 minutes ago, Emerald said:

And I think it wise to keep these hard-won insights in mind as opposed to doing what I have done historically. 

This is where I disagree, nothing has to be kept in mind. Intuition isn't naive, it knows. Fears about intuition leading to unwanted places are just fears, and untrue.

49 minutes ago, Emerald said:

But the relationships have gotten better as time has gone on. So, I’m hoping that for the next one, it will be better still. 

But I’m not ready for all that yet. I still have to grieve this one fully.

You have all the time in the world! I do wish you that your next one turn out the way you want it to be.

[Emerald]

4 minutes ago, 4201 said:

I do believe that intuition will guide you toward what is the best for you. You might judge some experiences as painful but is the experience actually painful, or is it just a perspective? If you interpret an experience with someone as "something you lost" it will feel bad or painful but it's also not true because ownership isn't true anyway.

I’m not going to bypass how I currently feel about the end of the relationship by doing perspective gymnastics. It was a loss and it was/is painful. I also learned a lot.

I don’t need to reframe everything as 100% positive. There is nothing wrong with pain or negative experiences. Bypassing the honest truth of my feelings would just avoid the grief. And grieving is very important.

Certainly I could look at the situation from a higher “birds-eye-view” perspective to see the big picture and maybe I could go really lofty and see that I am God enacting the whole show.

And these perspectives are great to access and all. But people often use them to numb themselves to their humanity and to run away from their pain. And this is what you’re recommending to me, even though I’m sure it’s not your intention.

You’re trying to help me solve my pain, when I need to feel my pain. The pain is important.

Perhaps your intuition doesn't "protect the self against loss" which make you think you need to add this protection with extra caution. But wouldn't it be more valuable to break free from this loss aversion entirely?

I would rather avoid loss if I can by ensuring that I don’t seek out partners who have incompatible visions for their lives.

I used to throw myself into things without considering things like compatibility. But I’m wiser now, and I know what I want and what I don’t. And it doesn’t matter how infatuated I feel for someone. An incompatible vision for the future is a no-go. These are the lessons I’ve learned from this experience of loss. 

Because of it, I know what I want and what I don’t want. And I also know what I need to feel good in a relationship. 

And I severed the relationship because it was incompatible with my needs and wants. This was a huge step for me, as I tend toward sacrificing my wants/needs to maintain relationship.

Breaking free would sound something like: I spent good times with this person, I've learned and I've grown thanks to them. All gains, no loss.

All gains; All loss 

There might be a disconnect between what the intuition judge as happy and what the ego judge as happy. Ego thinks happiness is to have the best relationship with someone and realize the ultimate relationship fantasy. Intuition knows happiness is the present moment, regardless of relationships or anything else. Ego says "look, when I follow my intuition I get hurt!" but ego is the one judging itself as "hurt" when intuition would never claim such a thing.

I think you misunderstood what I’m saying. I am not looking to avoid pain specifically. It’s okay to feel pain.

I have just learned a lot about relationships. And my awareness about how to approach them has improved for the purposes of having the experiences I’d like to have.

But pain is natural and human. It isn’t just an ego thing. Freedom from ego doesn’t mean you don’t grieve. In fact, grief is faced with more directly and with no resistance. 

So basically your intuition is guiding you toward something you judge as necessary to fulfill your true purpose, yet you still want to hold back and use "caution" to avoid feeling the pain again? 

I want to actually apply the lessons I’ve learned so that I can have the experiences I want to have as a human. It’s not really about going away from pain specifically. It’s about going towards intimacy without losing myself. 

Part of the revelation showed me that it wanted me to live and experience life as God’s extension of mercy to itself. It wanted me to experience joy again, like I did when I watched Scooby Doo as a child. It liked that a lot. 

I’ve intuitively sought suffering in my life in the past. But now, it’s time to focus to the other side of the coin again. 

I don't think learning should ever stop honestly. There's no need switch gear between student and teacher modes. You can always be both. Nobody needs to know everything to be a teacher, nobody knows everything anyway. The teaching itself is the value, regardless of who it was transmitted by.

Yes, that’s true. But the thing that is the teaching for me is what you’re expressing issue with.

This is where I disagree, nothing has to be kept in mind. Intuition isn't naive, it knows. Fears about intuition leading to unwanted places are just fears, and untrue.

And the intuition has spoken clearly that I need to use my mind a bit more than before and be much clearer about what I want and don’t want. I’d be very foolish to throw out such a hard-won teaching  

You have all the time in the world! I do wish you that your next one turn out the way you want it to be.

Thank you. Me too.

 

[Emerald]

14 minutes ago, Lucas-fgm said:

I don't care about initiating the conversation most of the time. But if she acts too cold. I stop pursuing her immediatly.

 

I’m not advocating for women to act cold. In fact, warmth is a great trait all around.

But I am advocating to let men do most of the courting and initiating. 

If a man doesn’t pursue, it means he’s probably not that into you. 

Either that, or that he just prefers to be the more feminine partner and that he wants the woman to shift into her masculine energy and pursue him. Which is fine for whoever wants that. It’s just not most women’s cup of tea. 

But good on you to send a clear message and not any pursuing further.

This will help her avoid investing in a man who is not that interested and make room for a man who is and who will make the effort to court her.

[Raphael]

I discovered this blog this year. It contains a lot of quality dating advices for women. It can be useful for some of you.

https://www.thefemininewoman.com/

[Preety_India]

I had so many boyfriends. 

I had hardly any social contact let alone social circle.

I have social anxiety and I'm a super introvert. Don't be fooled by how I appear on the forum, in real life I hardly ever talk to anyone. 

On top of everything I'm extremely shy 

 

So introverts on this forum....you have hope.  You can derive hope from me.

You can get dates and relationships despite your social introversions and anxieties.

And you can even get good quality relationships. I had some awesome dates and relationships. 

There's always someone who finds your uniqueness attractive.

 

 

Edited July 18, 2021 by Preety_India

[Emerald]

13 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I had so many boyfriends. 

I had hardly any social contact let alone social circle.

I have social anxiety and I'm a super introvert. Don't be fooled by how I appear on the forum, in real life I hardly ever talk to anyone. 

On top of everything I'm extremely shy 

 

So introverts on this forum....you have hope.  You can derive hope from me.

You can get dates and relationships despite your social introversions and anxieties.

And you can even get good quality relationships. I had some awesome dates and relationships. 

There's always someone who finds your uniqueness attractive.

 

 

You definitely don’t need a social circle to attract someone. Just go out in public for a bit, and you’ll probably be approached.

Attracting a man is easy if that’s what you’re looking for.

Attracting a man who is compatible and a good person will always be a gamble unless you get to know him platonically for a while first. That’s why the social circle is important for dating... among other reasons.

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, Emerald said:

Attracting a man who is compatible and a good person will always be a gamble unless you get to know him platonically for a while first. That’s why the social circle is important for dating... among other reasons.

Yep.agree.

 

[Byun Sean]

This list is great.

[Tangerinedream]

thankyou for sharing your insignts.

regarding topic of whether or not relationships work with people outside of social network i think it depends.  once thing i didnt like about living in my small town was that fact that everyone knew eachother, and whoever you dated you would know somebody who had dated them before! people would know who had slept with who and there is a lot of small town gossip lol.  so i would want to date people outside of my town and I eventually moved away to meet new people.

but i do agree  with knowing omeone before you enter commited relationship..  the "flings" i had, where we started off as lovers rarely lasted more than 6 weeks...they never went past the fling stage, because normally in that situation you are having fun and are following your attraction triggers.. but then you start to see the real personality and realise how incompatible you are and it doesnt end up lasting. (not saying it can't happen) 

my first long term boyfriend, I had known from my friend circle, and we were friends for 2 years, hanging out all together before me and him got together romatically. 

my 2nd boyfriend was met also through social circle, i already knew who he was and we eventually got talking, and again from hanging out all together in a group we started a relationship.

but my 3rd and current partner, I met when I left my town,  we met eachother then stayed in contact for a while talking and stuff for a few month, (he was living outside city and we were both too busy to meet up)  eventually we met up again, and spent time out with friends, I met his friends and he met some of mine, we eventually got together. haha. so again, another relatonship where we knew eachother first before becoming romantic..

[Thunder Kiss]

14 hours ago, Emerald said:

Never date a guy who is outside your social network - This one might seem extreme to many people because of us living in a very atomized society. But it's super important! The advice here is, if you haven't known and interacted with a guy platonically for at least a month or two, then don't go out with that guy... not even on a 30 minute coffee date. If your relationship to a man starts out on a romantic/sexual foot, it doesn't give enough platonic time to develop a proper attraction or bond. It's also a red flag because he probably starts off on that foot with many women. Also, full stop, don't do dating apps. Dating apps blunt the intuition... which is your best tool in dating. 

pickup guys will be hating you right now

14 hours ago, Emerald said:

12. Be in your Yin energy - Similar to number 4. Be in your Yin energy, which means focusing towards being, receptivity, warmth, creativity, intuition, etc. This will not only attract men in general... it will also attract compatible men who appreciate your unique Yin energy. 

I need more advice on this one. How can I be more in my yin energy? as a female whom created a negative self image, built alot of walls and have a protective shield I like to hide behind and I have lived more in my masculine energy as a protection mechanism.  Receptivity is not easy for me, it feels unnatural.  I end up running myself into the ground and then hating on myself.  I have this deep rooted feeling of unhappiness and avoidance.  This makes me sometimes act cold or, as some would say, a bitch.  But at the same time I can be loving and creative and have a warm personality.  But I restrict myself because of my negative self image and feelings of unworthiness that force me to retreat and isolate myself.  I think I'm turning into my father.  Actually, I remember reading something here before when someone said that a child will embody the more dominant parent of the opposite sex.  So if the father was the dominant one, then his traits would become embedded in the female child.  and if the mother was a dominant one, her traits would embed in the male child.  I don't know how accurate this is. 

Edited July 18, 2021 by Thunder Kiss

[Emerald]

6 hours ago, Tangerinedream said:

thankyou for sharing your insignts.

regarding topic of whether or not relationships work with people outside of social network i think it depends.  once thing i didnt like about living in my small town was that fact that everyone knew eachother, and whoever you dated you would know somebody who had dated them before! people would know who had slept with who and there is a lot of small town gossip lol.  so i would want to date people outside of my town and I eventually moved away to meet new people.

but i do agree  with knowing omeone before you enter commited relationship..  the "flings" i had, where we started off as lovers rarely lasted more than 6 weeks...they never went past the fling stage, because normally in that situation you are having fun and are following your attraction triggers.. but then you start to see the real personality and realise how incompatible you are and it doesnt end up lasting. (not saying it can't happen) 

my first long term boyfriend, I had known from my friend circle, and we were friends for 2 years, hanging out all together before me and him got together romatically. 

my 2nd boyfriend was met also through social circle, i already knew who he was and we eventually got talking, and again from hanging out all together in a group we started a relationship.

but my 3rd and current partner, I met when I left my town,  we met eachother then stayed in contact for a while talking and stuff for a few month, (he was living outside city and we were both too busy to meet up)  eventually we met up again, and spent time out with friends, I met his friends and he met some of mine, we eventually got together. haha. so again, another relatonship where we knew eachother first before becoming romantic..

Yeah, I think women are more naturally oriented to being interested in men within the context of a social matrix. 

But yes... it can be difficult to meet people in a small town. My recommendation is to go to online or in-person workshops, events, etc. that focus in on topics that interest you.

And then meet people, get their contact information. And keep in touch here and there.

 It isn’t as good as existing within the same context. But it is a way to add more like-minded people to your social circle and get to know them.