The Female Gaze

[soos_mite_ah]

God I really just want a hug right now and some reassurance that things will be alright....like I feel really deprived of physical touch and emotional connection and tbh I feel wrong for feeling this way because part of me is like "no you cant lean on anyone except yourself stop being needy" and I'm really trying to deconstruct that. 

[Raphael]

I'm giving you an internet hug. Take care.

[Gregory1]

The longing to be physically connected to other human beings is a natural and beautiful thing. We all need it.

Feel hugged, much love 

Gregory

 

[soos_mite_ah]

@Raphael @Gregory1 I appreciate it 

[soos_mite_ah]

Policing and Deprioritizing Intimacy

I talked about my whole deal with priorities a while back in my main journal. Here is that entry: 

I also included a couple of key points I wanted to write about more today:

On 3/6/2021 at 9:02 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

For the longest time getting into a romantic relationship seemed like the last thing on my mind despite me craving a significant other pretty much constantly. Just by the way I was raised I was always taught that prioritizing romantic relationships when you're young is a recipe for disaster, that you're basically throwing away your future and you'll get pregnant.

On 3/6/2021 at 9:02 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

I didn't neglect my friendships mainly because I prioritized my mental health and part of that means maintaining a solid social circle even though my life didn't revolve around my friends. But love and relationships on the other hand was like the very thing that shouldn't be a priority. That's the message I got growing up. Funny how I'm 21 now and my parents expect me to be married by 24 and have kids by 26. That is most likely not going to happen. Like I haven't even been in a relationship or had my first kiss slow tf down. I think that's a reason why I get tired of dating so easily. I know it takes effort but because it isn't much of a priority and I've been taught that it shouldn't be a priority, I never felt compelled to taking dating seriously.

I am noticing this whole feeling of me wasting my life by contemplating this very topic is coming up more. I feel like I could be more productive in pouring my energy else where if I wasn't contemplating what I liked and what I'm attracted to. Part of me thinks it isn't that important and again I'm just wasting my time. But I still find myself drawn to wanting to figure out this part of my life. And the whole thing feels exhausting but also natural.. It's exhausting in the sense that I find a lot of resistance in thinking about this but it also feels natural because I allow myself that space to let my wander. 

There is a sense of guilt that also comes with this. It isn't the typical puritanical type of guilt where you're sitting there feeling ashamed because you're unclean or unholy or some shit. But it's this thing that kicks in and invalidates any amount of work that I'm putting into myself and writing it off as "well you could have done something more useful, stop fucking around, this won't lead anywhere, why bother." 

This might be a cultural thing but I always felt that me being physically and emotionally intimate was heavily policed in my family.  Firstly when it comes to romantic and sexual situations, it's an unwritten rule where basically if you bring it up it's going to make everything weird. You're not supposed to be doing anything with anyone in the first place, what do you mean you want to have a conversation about it? What's there to talk about? But even when it comes to friendship and family relationships, I was taught that I'm not allowed to open up to anyone who wasn't my parents because they are going to judge me, gossip about me, or backstab me. 

But parental influence aside, I always felt like I had too much on my plate. Guys were the last thing on my mind. First I have to figure out how to survive, cope, and heal in my toxic household so that I can move out in one piece. In the mean time I need to focus on school so I can get into a decent college with a scholarship that will cover everything so that I can have some type of leverage so my parents can let me move out. And finally I need to have some friends so I don't go completely insane in the process of all of this. College wasn't much better because I moved out a mess and I had to spend time cleaning that up only to be dragged back in again. Even prioritizing my mental health always seemed like a waste of time because the time I spent processing, feeling, and making sense of what I was going through, could have been spent on getting ahead academically and career wise. And god knows I'm not about to start meeting new people while there is still a pandemic around so I'm probably looking at another 2 years of hanging around and not doing anything sexually or romantically because I have a shitty immune system and I'm not about to get my parents sick because they are at risk. 

But guys and relationships. come on... I still have trouble prioritizing this because at least I know with friends and mental health that I know that it's going to pay off in the end. Men come and go and a lot of times relationships when you're young is a sure way to incur trauma. There isn't much upsides and there is a lot of risk. It isn't worth it.

This has been my mentality for a long time and  these were the messages I've been always sent. There is also this thing that I heard growing up which is when you get your life together, a romantic relationship will magically fall into place without trying. Take care of everything else and this aspect of your life will take care of itself. While there is some truth to that, not putting any effort into what you may or may not like and just being a hermit for 25+ years working on yourself and your life isn't exactly the answer either. 

Tbh even after writing all of this in this post and this journal, me contemplating this really feels like a waste of time. Especially writing this given that I don't have exciting experiences to share feels like a waste of time. Like I feel like I'm so in my head and so analytical on this subject that I take a sexy fun subject and make it deeply unsexy by sucking the fun out of it. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Additional note: I genuinely don't get how people have the time and energy to go out super regularly (like multiple times a week) or date multiple people or have a fwb or two or more. By the time I'm done with the week, even though I'm not working all the time, I need time for myself to check in with myself, spend time with myself, take care of myself, and just be. As for friends, there are some I see on a regular basis but even then we might talk once every couple weeks and I might have something social planned like once a month. Don't get me wrong, I look forward to that but in general, at the end of the day or week, the last thing I want to do is spend more energy on talking to people. And now, since I'm not currently at school, even though I have all this free time on my hands, my first thought it "great I can spend more time on myself and healing shit" not "great I have time I can spend with people and now I can finally date." Because the first is treated like an essential while the later is treated like an add on. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Another side note because I'm coming up with new things and I'm  realizing that I didnt think my main post through before writing: 

I think focusing on self development/mental health, school, friends, in that order has helped me stay out of trouble and over all has had a positive impact on my life. I just think that on the way there, because of things like my family circumstance, my school system, and over all economic pressure to perform, I developed some hang ups and limiting beliefs on the importance of romantic relationships and figuring out what I'm into. While I do have some idea as to what I want and what I'm willing to tolerate, I guess I'm trying to get to a place where I dont down play this thing and write it off as something an unneccessary waste of time. 

Edited August 10, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[RendHeaven]

2 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

the last thing I want to do is spend more energy on talking to people. And now, since I'm not currently at school, even though I have all this free time on my hands, my first thought it "great I can spend more time on myself and healing shit"

Might we be unconsciously forming an identity out of "healing?"

And if so - doesn't that just reinforce the sense that "I am broken [since I need healing]" ??

Have you considered that there is literally nothing to heal? Being unbroken (so to speak) doesn't mean supergluing two shards together but rather noticing that there were never two shards, only one whole!

I mean who tf told you (by word or action) that you are "broken" (don't get caught up in this), and more importantly - isn't it stunning that we've allowed their judgements to override our default state of wholeness?

Have you ever suspected that you're PERFECT (literally flawless) and WHOLE right now, as you are? Cuz this is the case - despite what you or I or anybody else says.

Just a vibe I'm getting, could be wrong 

[soos_mite_ah]

2 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

Might we be unconsciously forming an identity out of "healing?"

 Yeah I found that happening at one point where I started getting attached to detachment and started developing a spiritual ego. Since then I decided that I was going to take a break from spiritual content and spirituality as a whole because I was basically picking at old wounds and I was using detachment as a way to avoid dealing with my needs. 

2 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

And if so - doesn't that just reinforce the sense that "I am broken [since I need healing]" ??

It can which is why I've been focusing more on self acceptance rather than just trying to fix things and change myself as my approach to development. But I also think me acknowledging my need for healing and a sense of gentleness is also really important instead of bypassing it. A lot of times, me desire to heal has come from a place of wanting to give myself a sense of peace rather than from a place of self deprecation. I also try to take breaks from this work so that it doesnt go towards that direction. 

2 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

I mean who tf told you (by word or action) that you are "broken" (don't get caught up in this), and more importantly - isn't it stunning that we've allowed their judgements to override our default state of wholeness?

Have you ever suspected that you're PERFECT (literally flawless) and WHOLE right now, as you are? Cuz this is the case - despite what you or I or anybody else says.

I think a lot of that comes from the whole conversation about life during and after abuse and difficult situations. A lot of people write you off as dysfunctional, neurotic, or just plain crazy when you tell them what happened and how it's affecting you. Some of it is fair dont get me wrong. You need to confront and see unhealthy coping mechanisms for what they are. But sometimes it can interfere with the empathy you give yourself or the empathy others give to you because the line between judgement and discernment can get foggy at times. Because things like anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues, they dont make a person toxic on it's own and those issues are perfectly valid and reasonable responses to the situation at hand. If they are reasonable responses, they arent something you have to fix in the sense that you have to get over them. Rather it's important to come from a place of acceptance and as a result it fixes itself. It really depends on the situation at hand. 

And yes, wholeness is our default state. But sometimes we can stray from that for whatever reasons. Sometimes it's unnecessary self judgement from being to critical of yourself and sometimes it's the surrounding environment and traumatic events. How you approach getting back to that default state is going to depend on what's causing you to be out of alignment in the first place. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Environment and Life Style 

Sometimes I catch myself going into these spirals of how I feel like I'm too ugly on the inside and outside to date and find a relationship. But then I'm like.... nah girl you ain't ugly, you have been stuck in the house since March 2020 and literally haven't had an interaction with a male your age since then. Stop throwing a pity party. 

Then I started thinking about how a lot of my friends are also in a similar boat where they are absolutely gorgeous inside and out but are also forever alone. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that we are homebodies that dont go out that often mainly because we're overworked and at the end of the day or week, we dont have the energy to go out and party and instead we spend the time doing a hobby or binging on a show we found. Most of my close friends are generally low key and try to mind their business and take care of their shit. Also, most of us dont drink so it's very unlikely that one of us is going to be like "let's go to a bar and get drinks." I'm not trying to say that there is anything wrong with that life style but what I'm saying is that we arent exposed to as many people and we tend to hang out with our own close knit groups and cultivate those friendships when we get the chance. 

I had two roommates. One was a girl who was going out super regularly (to the point where I basically had a single dorm) and she had a relatively low pressure major so she didnt have as much school stress or financial stress hanging over at all times. The second girl had a really high pressure major and had to balance two jobs to afford going to college and didnt go out anywhere more than once a month. Guess who was getting more dates, numbers etc. Both of these girls are equally beautiful and were amazing to be around and what I'm trying to say is that looks/personality weren't the factors at play in their differences in dating lives. 

I also think about my environment growing up. I live in a small town and went to an even smaller private school because that was the best option for me educationally. There werent that many guys there period. Then in high school, I went to another nerd school lol, but I would say roughly 65 out of the 100 people in my grade were other girls and whenever people did date, they'd have to really go out of their way to meet people outside of school because you just didnt have many options. College has been a disaster because of this pandemic so theres that. 

Also demographics play a role too. I had a friend who went to school in a predominantly white, conservative, wealthy area. And as a woman of color, she was always bullied for her features and called ugly. But the moment she left that area and went somewhere more diverse and progressive, suddenly a bunch of people were showing interest in her and she also had better options. 

And finally you have living in a conservative brown family. I'd rather honestly die before having my parents find out that I talk to men or worse, have them meet the person I'm dating. And growing up I was basically like, ehh...  I have too much on my plate already, I don't want to add sneaking around for a mediocre man to the list. Like it's not worth the hassle. 

So basically at the end of the day... I cant really complain tbh. 

Edited August 11, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Also complete unrelated side note: I love how I refer to my friends in my journal entries as if I have a lot of them when in reality I'm talking about the same 3 people 90 percent of the time and in the other 10 percent of the time I'm talking about a random acquaintance I had years ago. 

[soos_mite_ah]

What Does it Mean to be a MILF

Ok this is going to be a very weird post because I've had a couple of very weird interactions. In the past 2 weeks, I've had 3 different teenage girls (ages ranging from 17 to 19, I work with two of them at a store and the third one is my friend) call me a MILF. In all of the times I started laughing and was like wtf because I'm pretty sure I'm too young to be a MILF. And whenever I told them that they were like "no, but you're spiritually a MILF" and then they said they were half joking. Like... wtf does that even mean lol. I know it's not that serious but the fact that this happened 3 times, whenever my mind wanders, sometimes it goes to this place where it's just like "what does it mean to be a MILF?"

This also reminds me on how my friends and I basically made daddy into a meme years ago. Like we would jokingly call each other daddy and it was basically short hand for someone who was assertive, out there, and didn't take shit. Again, we were half joking. At this point, if a guy asks me to call him daddy, there is a good chance that I'm going to burst out laughing and the poor guy will have his ego hurt and might feel kink shamed and then I'm going to be laying there like *wait... were you serious?* and then I might just continue laughing. I think now instead of daddy, mommy and MILF caught on. 

I think my interpretation of MILF energy is similar to being the cool aunt. It's someone who has a maternal vibe but it doesn't come out in a traditionally maternal way. I know when it comes to me, I do care and people see me as someone they can go to for advice and emotional support but I'm not super nurturing in these instances. And I'm hot so there is that. Over all, it's a compliment lol. 

But yeah, this is something that has been on my mind. I thought I'd talk about something a little more lighthearted because my last few posts were rather intense and had a lot to unpack personally. 

I guess I'm going to close this with, fellas, what do you think is MILF energy? ???

Edited August 12, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[Raphael]

Lol. I recently thought that I might like older women. MILFs are attractive to me in terms of maturity, but I also think that the insecure little boy in me wants to be taken care of.

[soos_mite_ah]

@Raphael LMAO

I mean, no judgement, you were just really upfront. 

It's valid I get where you're coming from 

[soos_mite_ah]

Oral Fixation 

On 7/28/2021 at 10:51 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

My mouth feels bored. I want to wrap my lips around something and/or have my tongue played with. I have a variety of things in mind. 

And today I'm going to talk about the variety of things I have in mind lol. This is in no particular order.

1. The whole cigarette thing: I already did a whole post a couple weeks ago. Like it in theory but definitely not in practice. When I was asexual, my focus was more on the aesthetic of the smoke itself but I feel like now my focus is more about people putting things in their mouths and wrapping their lips around it. 

2. Having your partner feed you fruits or chocolate: This is one of those things that's really cliche, border line obnoxious, romantic things I always thought was cute. But I feel like ever since I stopped identifying as asexual, even though I still think this is cute, I also think it's kind of hot. Just the idea of someone putting things in my mouth while I'm in his arms and he is making eye contact with me is a turn on. Also, experimenting with food is something that I'm open to trying. 

3. Having him put his finger in your mouth: I feel like it would give him a nice preview of what I can do and what's to come. I also feel like it's a dominance thing as well. Again, eye contact is important. Thought it was kind of weird when I was asexual but here I am lol. 

4. Him tracing his fingers on my lips or him playing with my lips: Don't feel like I need much elaboration on that one. 

5. Gently biting while making out or leaving marks: I guess the first thing that comes to mind is hickies. I also like anything that involves stimulation from the shoulders up so basically this combines two things for me. Another thing that comes to mind is leaving lipstick marks. I think there is an element of playful possessiveness. I like the element of possessiveness in physical affection but not so much in the overall relationship dynamic. 

6. Giving head: This is one of those things that not only did I think was weird when I was asexual, but it actually felt gross. And even now, if I think too hard about it, I turn myself off lol. I also have some anxiety around this because like... what if he smells or taste weird? Would I even like the taste of standard dick? Is this one of those things like the cigarette thing which I like in theory but not in practice? Idk man. I think my other thing is that I don't fantasize about this period. The thing that actually turns me on more is making eye contact and being on my knees. 

7. The pocky game: Honestly, I think its is more of my inner weeb talking rather than the oral fixation. 

[Raphael]

Btw, your journal is very educational for me. It helps me seeing things from the female perspective and understanding when my views are screwed. We need more women openly sharing their views on this forum. Thanks for doing this!

[soos_mite_ah]

@Raphael I'm glad you're getting something valuable out of this 

[soos_mite_ah]

Being Written by a Man 

There are a bunch of people making fun of the way men write women and how distorted and sexualized the writing is. This is like my favorite thing at the moment because some of this shit is so absurd and unrealistic. 

These videos made my titties smile. It almost made me forget about my haunted vagina lmaooo ???

Edited August 15, 2021 by soos_mite_ah
Realized I linked the wrong video the first time

[soos_mite_ah]

Also I just remembered this thing that my roommate showed me. I love the way the boobs were animated to dodge the bullet (1:20). Like this shit doesnt make any sense at all lmaooo. Boobs just straight up defy physics in anime. To me, as someone who has larger boobs, to me it's even funnier because I'm really aware on how it just doesn't work like that ????

As problematic as the male gaze can be, there is some shit you cant even be offended by because it's so bizarre it's actually hilarious that a person had to sit down and dedicate their time to create this. 

 

Edited August 14, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Wax Play 

This is probably one of the weirdest things that I want to try out tbh. 

Ok, first I have a little back story. When I was in the 5th grade, I had a teacher who loved to burn scented candles in her classroom. She told one of the kids to blow out the candle because it's been burning for a while. So this kid blows out the candle and dips his fingers into the candle wax after it cooled down for a few seconds. I was looking at this in horror because in my mind I was like *wouldn't that hurt?!?!?!?* But clearly this kid wasn't hurt at all and instead thought the wax that hardened on his fingers looked interesting in a really gross way. He eventually convinced me to do the same. It's an interesting sensation. It feels really warm, then it gets all gooey/waxy, and then it hardens right away. 

Fast forward to college, Basically, dipping my fingers into hot wax after blowing out candles became a weird habit of mine. My roommate caught me in the act once and naturally was like *what the actual fuck.* I explained the whole scenario to her and was like *I know this looks weird/gross but it's an interesting sensation, you should try it.* I didn't think much of it. Then my roommate was told me how this reminds her of a BDSM thing. Naturally, I was like "Wtf!?!?! Explain." Because up until now, I didn't see this as sexual nor could I think of anything sexual you could do with candle wax. 

So then, she explained to me what wax play was. It's a type of temperature play where a person gets a candle and then drips the wax onto their partner's body. Some people also use candles with different colors to paint cool designs as well (but you have to be really careful about colored candles as it can interfere with the temperature). You also have to be careful of what kind of wax the candle is made out of because of the temperature. Some waxes burn at higher temperatures and those should be avoided unless you want to burn yourself. Soy wax candles are the safest. Paraffin candles are also safe but they tend to be hotter (so if you're into something more intense you should go with that one instead of soy). But definitely avoid beeswax candles. Also, you need to prep for things like clean up since this can get messy. 

I want to try this. I still mainly see this as a sensual thing rather than a sexual one. I can imagine it feeling nice but I don't see myself getting off to it at all. Hot wax feels nice but it just isn't sexy to me especially when you take clean up into consideration. I mean, I went almost a decade not connecting sex and candle wax together until someone explained that it was in fact a thing. Basically, I look at this and I'm like *hmmm... interesting.*

Edited August 15, 2021 by soos_mite_ah