The Female Gaze

[soos_mite_ah]

I Don't Feel Worthy of a Relationship... Yet

I really want to put myself out there, date, and get into a relationship. So why am I not doing that? Well it's because I don't have a solid circle of friends and because I don't have clear career goals with my life purpose yet. I'm also not developed enough as far as emotional maturity goes and I don't love myself 100%. 

There is this quote that I often catch myself referring to when I really want to put myself out there and that quote is "you can't love others or let other people love you until you love yourself." I think there is a lot of truth to that. We can only love as much as our level of consciousness and development allows us to love. If we don't love ourselves, we're more likely to let people in who don't have our best intentions and who will hurt us. We will allow behavior that is not ok and we won't take in the healthiest form of love unless we love ourselves.

But I think I've gone too far with this quote. I know this is not the way to interpret that quote but there is a part of me that feels like I can't love or be loved until I'm healed enough. There is no way that anyone will love me if I'm anxious, depressed, or just don't have my life fully together, at least not in a healthy way. There is no way that my judgement is going to be clear enough until I have my life fully together to where I can make good decisions. I can't trust myself fully to make the right decision when it comes to choosing who to be in a relationship or friendship with until I am 100% happy with my life. 

This leads me to want to hide under a rock and work on self development stuff in order to fix myself. There is also another quote that is along the lines of "we accept the love we think we deserve." And  I think I have a very all or nothing approach to that. I deserve the best, the healthiest, the most actualized relationship, or I deserve nothing. I deserve the world or I deserve absolutely nothing. And for me to deserve everything, I need to be everything. I think people only see the first part when they see that I have high standards for guys. They're like "yes you do deserve an amazing guy and it's great that you aren't willing to settle." But most people don't see the second part which is I deserve absolutely nothing. They don't realize that I hold myself to an even higher standard. If there is a man that checks everything standard I have and he is willing to be in a relationship with me, I can't say whether or not I would let that person in. I might, because I deserve all of that. Or I might not, because there is so much work I need to do on myself before letting a person like that in. If he is all that, he, like me, deserves the best. But if I'm not at my best and I don't feel that I can give him the best, I would rather have him go free and find someone else. 

I did encounter a situation like this one time a few years back. I really liked this guy and I knew that at one point he liked me back. But I never pursued it because I made a promise to myself that I would move out, go to college, get therapy, and get to a stable place in my life first before even thinking about dating. That was a difficult decision. In hindsight, I think I did make the right decision. Looking back, neither he or I were in the right mind and that could have easily led to a codependent dynamic. I didn't even know what that was at 17.

I don't think I could forgive myself if I got myself into a dysfunctional relationship like that. People often fall into shame and guilt when they feel like there was an element of choice in a situation and they chose the wrong choice. For example, the people that shame gay people for being gay are often the people who feel like gay chose to be gay. The reason why I never was ashamed for the abusive relationship that I have with my parents is because I didn't chose to be born to my parents. It was just the situation I was born into. But if I got myself into a dysfunctional relationship, I would 100% feel a sense of shame in that for not making good decisions. 

I remember one time I did beat myself up for liking a guy who wasn't the best for me at 12. When I found out that he rejected me for being brown, I cried myself to sleep. I cried myself to sleep not because of what he said, but because I liked this person in the first place. I hated myself for falling so easily with no thought at all for what I was and was not willing to tolerate. And while I did learn a valuable lesson on having standards and boundaries, I didn't trust myself to like the right people.  Which led me to be more closed off like in the situation that I got into at 17. I think an element of that lack of self trust is still there now. 

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A few months back I was having a conversation with a friend. We were talking about body image issues and she mentioned to me that she really doesn't want to date until she loses weight and gets her skin cleared up. She wants to date feeling like the most confident version of herself. I said something along the lines of  "I respect you for wanting to be confident when you put yourself out there and you should do that when you feel ready, but why wait to lose weight and clear up your skin before you feel confident? It sounds like you're putting up requirements for yourself, like you can't be confident and start dating until xyz. It feels like you're giving yourself conditional self love. And again, you shouldn't date if you don't feel ready, but I don't know if this hesitation is coming from the healthiest place." 

I'm thinking about that now. Instead of wanting to lose weight and clear up my skin, it's like I want my life and my emotions to be a certain way before I allow myself to let myself love and be loved. It's conditional self love. It's like I'm not worthy of love if I have any amount of neurosis in me. I think there are a few of factors involved.

1.  I never got love and support when I feel upset growing up and instead got emotional invalidation so as a result I feel like I have to do everything on my own because I don't deserve to be "supported" by the ways my parents treated me and instead I have to be vigilant protect my own energy.
2. Difficult relationships often make people feel like they are "broken goods that needs fixing" and while I don't wallow in my brokenness, I hyper focus on fixing myself.
3. I never had an example of painful emotions being expressed in a healthy way from my parents and instead my parent's difficult emotions were always been taken out on other people in the most unhealthy way possible. As a result, I always feel like I'm being toxic and burdensome when I'm expressing negative emotions or when I'm going through something even though I'm explaining the problem in a healthy and constructive way.   
4. I never really had an example of two people who weren't perfectly trauma free but still managed to have a healthy relationship. So as a result, I'm scared that any amount of trauma or dysfunction in my life is going to lead me straight to hell. 

Edited July 19, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

A Dialog Between My Inner Parent and My Inner Child

I think my voice of self love is much like a strict, over protective parent. That parent wants to protect the kid because they love them and wants what's best for them. That parent wouldn't be able to forgive themselves if they made a decision that got that kid hurt. If my voice of self love is that parent, I would say the kid is my vulnerability/ inner child. 

Upon writing the previous post, I feel like my inner child and my inner parent are at odds. The whole thing is a metaphor and I'll be putting in parenthesis what each element of the story represents in my inner dialog

My inner child feels like her needs aren't being met. She wants to go out and play ( let loose and connect with people both romantically and platonically) and feels really isolated and tired from doing work. 

My inner parent is telling the child that she needs to do her homework before going out with her friends. (That homework is the self development work which includes getting a solid group friends, figure out life purpose etc).

The parent wants everything to be taken care in school (to get their life together) before allowing the child have fun (go out and make friends and get into a relationship).

But the child feels like the parent is too strict and that even if all of the homework is done, the parent will find more things that are wrong and will then tell the child to do that, causing the child to never go out (there is always self development work to do, it's a life long process. waiting to be a perfect version of yourself means that you'll basically be waiting forever and avoiding the thing you want to do).  

The parent wants to be firm on those boundaries because they feel that they know what's best for the kid. They don't feel ready for the child to go out yet and is afraid that the child hasn't learned enough lessons and matured enough to go out and not hurt themselves. 

The child feels like this is like a form of conditional love, that they aren't worthy of going out until they finish their work. After all, her needs aren't being met and she feel really isolated. After all, all the other kids get to out and play even if they haven't done their work (Everyone else is making friends and having romantic relationships despite not working on themselves. Why do I have to stay in side and nitpick every little thing?)

The parent wants what's best for the kid and wants to give the kid the world. Despite this, the parent is seeing that their kid isn't reacting well and sees what other parents are going and now is doubting whether nor not they are being over protective. Are they being too critical? Are they stopping the kid from being a kid by giving them unrealistic expectations?  (Am I stopping myself from connecting with people and being vulnerable? Am I self sabotaging? Or am I being cautious for good reason?)  

The kid is now throwing a tantrum and wants to go out more than ever (I have been romantically thirsty for like 4 years straight). 

The parent isn't sure if this is the time to dig in their heels and enforce strict boundaries because the child is acting out and since the child isn't in it's right mind (really wants a romantic relationship) the child is even more likely to hurt themselves. Or if they need to loosen the boundaries because the boundaries are too much causing the child to act out this way (not sure if I took too much time for actualization that I ended up isolating myself and harming myself).  

The child is also conflicted because on one hand the parent has a valid point but on the other hand, the child can see the limitations of the parent's decision and thinks it's fear based and thinks the parent is over reacting especially compared to other parents. 

The kid argues that she'll learn and grow more if she is out with playing with other kids instead of staying at home and doing work (part of me thinks that I would grow more if I put myself out there socially and romantically instead of staying in and working on myself).

The parent sees the point but also knows just how harsh other kids are and is afraid that their kid will hang out with the wrong crowd because the kid is irritated and is throwing a tantrum (If I don't heal my inner child by doing my work, I'm left in a more vulnerable position that could attract other people who are just as hurt as I am and that could be toxic). 

The kid argues that she already spent time on the work even though the work isn't 100% done and that they know better than to hang out with the wrong crowd who doesn't do any work at all. (I feel like I am self aware enough to not get myself into a bad situation and that I know all of the warning signs and even though I'm not perfect, I'm not about to date anyone who hasn't done any work on themselves at all). 

The parent knows that if they stick to their instincts and their boundaries, the child will grow up in one of two ways. Either the child will grow up and see the parents as being to harsh and resent them or she will grow up and see that the parents were right and be grateful towards them. 

Edited July 19, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[flume]

Cool! Keep them posts coming. It's such a relief to get things off your chest by journaling. So much clarity is found when externalising our inner world. I'm sure it will help you clear a lot of things up.

19 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

• My Relationship with Porn 
• Using Your Love Language for Self-Care
• The Diversity of Asexuality
• My Thoughts on Monogamy 
• Things and People I'm Attracted To
• Foreplay and Aftercare 
• Art Work That I Really Like 
• Hook Up Culture: How Progressive Is it Really 
• Sexual Empowerment Through the Spiral Dynamics Stages
• My Thoughts on No Strings Attached Sex

Especially interested in reading those You go girl!

[soos_mite_ah]

Vanilla Shaming and the Normalization of Rough Sex Part 1

I really liked this particular video and I did watch it before a couple of times but I want to reflect on it more. 

05:22 - 14:44 the normalisation of kink   14:45 - 18:51 vanilla shaming 

Overall this video as a whole talks about the negative aspect of kink being normalized and how kinks shouldn't be normalized but should be destigmatized. Like no one should be shaming you but at the same time, rough kinky sex shouldn't be considered as the standard.

This section starts off with talking about the availability of porn and how it's much easier to access now and as a result how porn is more influential in people's sex lives than in previous generations. Jordan talks about how it's really easy to stumble upon really rough sex and how that skews the view of what female pleasure looks like. She talks about how mainly straight men can get distorted ideas of what women like and how that can be detrimental especially from a consent perspective because rough sex is portrayed as the default. However, women are less susceptible to this distortion because they  know what female pleasure looks like from direct experience but the problem for women is that because rough sex can be portrayed as a default, it can cause women to feel like they have to do things they aren't necessarily enthusiastic about. 

So the first thing I thought of was my first exposure to porn. I remember being like 13/14 and accidentally getting on the porn side of Tumblr somehow. I wasn't so much uncomfortable but I was a little confused and curious. And it didn't take me that long to get to the rougher side of things. I didn't know that what I was seeing was considered rough sex because I didn't have much of a frame of reference since I wasn't really at the age where I was talking about sex with my peers. But looking back, I can see how that experience distorted the way I looked at sex for a few years. Like what I was viewing was actually violent now that I think about it. I remember thinking "is this what I'm supposed to like and get off to?" Because I honestly can't relate. And that disconnected me from what actually brings me pleasure. 

Then in high school, I remember the online BDSM test was a thing. We all treated it as an edgy personality test and a conversation starter. I don't even know how many times I took this test. I was a floater in high school and even in college and I've probably took this test once for each group of friends I was a part of.  First of all, the questions on the test exposed us to different ways BDSM was practiced, which was interesting and at times kinda funny because we made up our own weird scenarios. I know one of questions on the test is along the lines of rate how feel about making animal noises in bed. We get that this was probably talking about something along the lines of growling during sex but I remember one of my friends was like "imagine what it would be like if someone tried to seductively moo into your ear like a cow." No offense to anyone who might be into that, but it's been years and I can't that image out of my mind and I crack up every time I think about it.    

But I remember because we were young and didn't know how to deal with conversations like this, there was a lot of immaturity in the form of kink shaming and vanilla shaming. Kink shaming came up because we got exposed to things we didn't ever think of, things we thought were really weird, and as a result we started judging people who partake in those kinks. Kink shaming is still something I try to be mindful of because I know I can't relate to most kinks and sometimes have this kneejerk reaction of judgement and disgust. That can be it's whole other topic. Then there was vanilla shaming and I remember on this test, it shows what percent vanilla you were. I remember the people who scored high on vanilla got made fun of for being boring and it also came with this connotation of being weak and overly emotional/sentimental (the emotional and sentimental part doesn't make sense to me because you can still have emotional and sentimental sex and still have it be kinky). It was like you had to have the right amount of kink, but too much or else you're really weird. And I think that level of restriction did affect what I figured was normal at the time. 

The video also talks about how sex education is important for topics like this. And I can't agree more. From my experience being in Texas, sex education is awful. It's not even sex education, it was just preaching abstinence and instilling the idea that Jesus was watching over you sinning. I don't know what sex education is like elsewhere but I think a lot places just cover things like how not to get pregnant and spread STDs. And don't get me wrong, that is incredibly important and it makes a world of difference. There is a huge difference in the rate of teen pregnancy in the southern more religious parts of the U.S. and the parts of the U.S. that actually has bare minimum sex education. But talking about protection and how pregnancy happens is the bare minimum. There needs to be more of a discussion around the social and emotional aspect of sex discussing things like hookup culture, kinks, relationships, and most importantly CONSENT. I could do a whole post on my thoughts on sex education. 

I also like how the video touches on how people who are likely to shame those who like vanilla sex tend to be inexperienced because often times kinky people do still enjoy vanilla sex or did at some point. And kinky people also know what it's like to be shamed for their preferences so as a result they're probably going to be more sensitive in shaming others.  I agree with this because I noticed that as those people I mentioned got older and started actually having sex, the vanilla shaming jokes decreased. I don't doubt that there are plenty of young people who know that they're into kink early on but I do doubt some it because there are those people who want to seem edgy and cool and there are people think that's what they like because that's the kind of sex that was normalized for them. Especially for the kids who identified with being emo, goth, or alternative in any way and were on Tumblr, it was like a pipeline for getting exposed to rough sex early. It was basically portrayed like part of the aesthetic or like a quirky personality trait. 

Another point I liked was that it's not the best idea to jump head first into kink because for one, it can be traumatizing and be too overwhelming, and two because it's good to know the basics before jumping into the deep end. For me personally, even though I've never done anything with another person, this attitude has helped me. Like I said before, being exposed to violent porn made me disconnected from what I actually liked. It was like going from 0-100 literally with no chance for me to emotionally or even physically warm up. Like yeah there are some things that are on the rougher side that intrigued me from the beginning but I found that emotionally getting comfortable with more basic forms of sex and exploring those desires first did help me appreciate rougher forms of sex. For example, I knew from when I was first exposed to it that i liked the idea of being tied up but in the beginning when I imagined myself in that situation, physically I didn't feel anything. But as I started fantasizing about something more vanilla first and then build my way up to the idea of being tied up, that helped me more in terms of turning myself on because I think there is an huge element of being psychologically comfortable with yourself and pacing yourself that leads to better physical experiences. 

Anyway, this post is getting long so I'm going to need a part 2. 

Edited July 20, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Male Gaze vs Female Gaze Examples 

I just thought of a could example differentiating the two. 

The male gaze is something that's more like performance with Madonna, Britney, and Christina during the song Hollywood, specifically during the kiss between the three of them.

The female gaze is something that's more like the performance with Dua Lipa and St. Vincent.

The best way I can describe it is that the female gaze has more of an emphasis of the dynamic as a whole. It's the way that they look at each other. It's the tension and energy that is built up, the energy/personality that each of them individually give off and how that combines together. It's the over all vibe that takes center stage rather than what kind of crazy stunts you're trying to pull off. There is more a subtlety and attention to detail that's there to create the emotional atmosphere. But just because there is that subtlety, doesn't mean that no one picks up on the energy that is being created. 

Like I don't see anything wrong with the Madonna performance. I mean I thought it was cool. But as far as attraction went, it wasn't doing anything for me. Even though the St. Vincent performance wasn't as overt, it still felt sexier. 

Edited July 20, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Nervousness and Intimacy 

There is a common format that I noticed about some of the scenarios I fantasize about. It's along the lines of feeling nervous and embarrassed/ashamed, and then having this feeling of comfort and warmth. I guess I can best articulate this by explaining a couple of examples. 

1. Something that happens to me when I'm around a guy that I'm actually interested in is that I get really shy and I end up blushing really easily. I can flirt and act normally on a regular date, but I stg when I'm around a guy I actually like, all of that goes out the window and instead I'm left looking a bumbling fool. That's an exaggeration but there is this sense of excitement that sits in in the form of nervousness. One thing that I like to imagine is turning red and immediately feeling like I have to hide my face, either in my hands or by hugging the guy I'm talking to by burying my face in his chest out of nervousness and embarrassment. That is followed by him telling me how much he wants to see my face because he thinks it's really sweet and beautiful when I get this flustered. I would look back up at him, still feeling nervous and now even more embarrassed because all I want to do is hide only for him to kiss me really softly and turn me even more red. 

2. This is also an embarrassing scenario because I think it's the bare minimum. Personally I know that when I'm around a guy I like, I tend to physically tense up a little since I'm extra physically and emotionally sensitive, therefore I get overwhelmed really easily. (This is a tangent but I remember one time a guy I liked whispered something in my ear. It wasn't anything exciting, actually it was kind of dumb but I caught myself getting goosebumps. A guy that I wasn't interested in could literally do the same thing and I wouldn't get any reaction). But the scenario goes a little like this. Me and this guy are doing something and he catches me physically tensing up. He stops what he's doing and says something along the lines of "hey, you know you don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with. It's ok if this feels like it's too much, we can always slow down." Whether or not I continue escalating, I think if a guy stopped to check up on me like that to make sure I was ok, I would emotionally melt, have much more respect for him, and trust him more which would make me more comfortable with getting outside of my comfort zone more in the future.  I don't think I would develop feelings for him just based on that but it would strengthen any romantic or sexual feelings I had for him previously. Like even if this is just someone I'm hooking up with, knowing that he respects me and that I can trust him isn't something that is limited to something long term. 

I remember a friend was talking about how she experienced a similar situation when she was hooking up with this one guy and basically we were both sitting there like "aww, that sounds so sweet." She then went on to talk about how that made her feel more comfortable to keep going. That whole mentality is the opposite of guys who are really pushy and desperate and unfortunately, it felt refreshing to the point of romanticization because pushy desperate guys are so common (I swear we all have a story of a guy getting too pushy and who made us or a friend really uncomfortable). Again, it's sad because something like this shouldn't be praised or seen as romantic. It should be the bare minimum for consent. 

3. I also have some nervousness and embarrassment around sex, not because I have a lot of limiting beliefs around sex or because I think sex is dirty and taboo, but because I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. I think in the first few times, to deal with this sense of embarrassment, I would like a sense of warmth and comfort in the form of praise and reassurance. Something along the lines of "you're doing so good" or " It's ok, you can let go fully. I love hearing your voice and your moans. Just do whatever comes naturally for you ok?"

(This is a tangent but I feel like my nervousness bleeds into my writing in the sense that I do feel embarrassed writing some of this stuff down and I find myself feeling more inhibited than in my other journals. I feel like I don't have enough knowledge or experience to know what I'm talking about in this subject. Also I have this fear of sounding like one of those 12 year old Wattpad writers who used to write One Direction fanfiction back in 2010 who have a super distorted views on sex because they have never had it before lmaoooo.)

4. Ok this is a scenario that actually happened to me before. For context, I had this crush on my professor (he's pretty young as far as professors go lol and if I didn't know him, I'd probably assume that he was near my age) and finals week was coming up. I went to his office because I was confused over some last minute course material that I needed to understand before the exam. I have gone to his office before in the semester and he always has his door opened by a crack and he told me that I don't need to knock or anything and that I can just walk in and that's fine. Well, this was the one time I did that and I walked in on the wrong time. By the looks of it, I walked in on a serious conversation with another student. He looked at me as if he wanted to kill me. That was embarrassing because the whole situation felt awkward and I felt extra nervous because I'm not used to seeing this guy like this. He's the type of person who is really sweet and has this warmth about him, so seeing him like this felt like a huge contrast. That scared me but it also kind of turned me on tbh because it felt like I saw another side of him.

I overheard bits and pieces of the conversation even though I was spending most of my energy to calm tf down. Basically the guy he was talking to was trying to play a bunch of sympathy cards to get his grades up despite the fact he didn't do the work for the entire semester.  Based on what I know about this professor, I'm not surprised that there are people who try to take advantage of his kindness and I doubt that this is the first time something like this happened to him. Then the student he was talking to walked out of his office. This guy looked stunned/panicked and almost on the verge of tears. I felt really nervous walking into his office. I walked in and told him that I was sorry and that I didn't know that he was having an important conversation with another student. His whole demeanor changed and he said something along the lines of "it's ok, you didn't do anything wrong. It's kind of my fault  because I normally let people walk into my office without saying anything. I'm sorry I made you jump a little. I sometimes don't have control over my facial expressions."  He said this while laughing a little bit to ease any bit of tension that might have been in the air. Then the conversation continued with "so what brings you here today" and I just asked him the questions I had about the course material, I got my answers, and I got tf out of there. Not to be dramatic, but I think this was the first time I actually felt sexually attracted to a person. 

 

In conclusion, I think having someone see that nervous, embarrassed, and flustered parts of me creates this sense of intimacy because those are vulnerable emotions that feel really authentic to me. And having someone accept and reassure that part of me and respond with kindness is really appealing and again builds that sense of respect and trust. There is that sense of intentionality in the form of paying attention to your partner and checking in to see how they are doing and responding. There is also that contrast between discomfort moving into comfort and judging my the previous experience I talked about, contrast can be really appealing because it creates a multidimensional experience. And all of those things play into things like chemistry and intimacy in a dynamic. 

[soos_mite_ah]

The Diversity of Asexuality 

Asexuality is simply defined as a person who doesn't feel sexual attraction. That's it. That's all there is to it. However, because of this, there are a lot of assumptions people come to and a lot of stereotypes around people who identify with being asexual. Some of the common ones include: 

• Asexuality isn't a thing. People are making this up for attention. It's human nature to want/crave sex. There is something wrong with you if you identify as asexual. 
• Asexual people are all prudes who all hate sex and who are probably really repressed, therefore there is something wrong with them. 
• Asexual people have issues with their sex drive. 
• Asexual people hate other people and don't want romantic relationships. They don't care about love, are heartless, and content with dying alone. 

I'm not even going to address the first one because I'm pretty sure that if you're reading this journal that you probably do believe that asexuality is in fact a real thing. But the rest I am going to address.

First  we have the presumption that asexual people hate sex. Asexuality is in a spectrum and roughly comes in three types and those are sex negative, sex neutral, and sex favorable. 

SEX NEGATIVE: When people think of asexual people, people often think of a specific type of asexual and that is the sex negative asexual. Someone who identifies as sex negative have no sexual urges and don't want have sex. They do not find the appeal of sex at all.

SEX NEUTRAL: Sex neutral asexual people on the other hand, don't get sexual urges but they don't mind having sex. At one point I did identify as sex neutral. I didn't mind the idea of having sex but I didn't feel any type of craving towards it. I would say during this time sex was about as appealing as turning on the laundry machine. Like I don't mind pushing a few buttons to get the job done but it isn't something that I feel the urge to do.  

SEX FAVORABLE (sometimes called sex positive): Sex favorable asexual people are often seen as a contradiction. How could you want to have sex but not be attracted to anyone? Last time I checked, you can have sex with people you don't find attractive. I mean... gay for pay is a thing lol.  Those who identify as sex favorable do have a sex drive like people of other orientations

 I also identified as sex favorable at one point. I would say feeling horny was very weird as someone who was asexual. The best way I can describe it is kind of like you really want to listen to music. You go to your phone and put your music on shuffle. Then you proceed to skip every single song that comes up because nothing appeals to you. Then you just sit there wondering wtf you do now. Also, masturbating is kind of like going to a vending machine. You push the right buttons and then a snack comes out, except in this case we're talking about orgasms not Oreos.  Sometimes you find really effective ways to push the right buttons when you get to know yourself. I would say fantasizing about sex as someone who is asexual, the fantasies revolve around what is being done to you rather than who is the one doing things to you. Granted I did fantasize about dick during these instances because I did identify as heteroromantic (more on that later) but irl, I didn't look at guys and feel attracted to them physically. Even in fantasies, it's like I would think about being penetrated, but I wouldn't think about the dick itself if that makes sense. Also, I didn't think about oral often or at all. I didn't hate the idea, I was more neutral towards it and wasn't craving it. 

While I did have a sex drive and had things in mind that I might enjoy, I never felt comfortable with talking about sex because I was always afraid of people doubting my sexual orientation and assuming that I'm not asexual. A lot of acephobia typically revolves around people thinking that asexuality is made up and that it's a disorder of some kind along with a bunch of intrusive questions on your sex life and whether or not you want kids. It also consists of ace erasure. I remember even at 15, when people found out about me being asexual, the first thing that came up was a bunch of question regarding what it was (which I don't mind tbh) and then followed by people asking me about what I'm going to do about having kids, being married, my dating life etc. And having to explain asexuality is already difficult as it is and tends to leave most people confused so I didn't feel comfortable with bringing the other element of me being sex favorable to add even more complexity to the subject.  

(Side Note: Even though I didn't feel comfortable with talking about me being sex favorable with other people, I was still comfortable with exploring that on my own and I still validated the fact that even though I have a sex drive, that doesn't make me less asexual. But I will say that even now, I find myself hesitating when writing about sex or talking about it with my friends. Writing in this journal has been helpful because it is taking me outside of my comfort zone but I still find myself uncomfortable on a few things and as a result I do find myself self censoring. Planning on working through that while honoring my natural boundaries in the future) 

Next, is the notion that asexual people simply have an issue with their sex drive 

Well, considering that there are sex negative, sex neutral, and sex favorable people, that is simply not the case. Sex negative and sex neutral people don't have an issue with their sex drive because they don't have that sex drive in the first place. It's not like they have a really low and repressed drive. Sex favorable people can have a range when it comes to sex drive like people from other orientations. 

Basically, some don't have a sex drive at all and some do in varying degrees. 

Finally, there is the notion that asexual people hate other people and don't want romantic relationships. They don't care about love, are heartless, and content with dying alone 

So first of all, there are many different types of attraction. I have discussed those and how often times they are all lumped into the same category but I figured adding in the graphic is still relevant.

On 7/17/2021 at 0:48 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

How Being Asexual Made Me More Mindful in Attraction

 

Just because you don't feel sexual attraction, doesn't mean that you don't feel other forms of attraction. The one I want to focus on is romantic attraction. A lot of asexual people still do feel romantic attraction towards people. There are some who don't but there are still many who do. In addition to being asexual, often times people identify with their romantic orientation. 

HETEROROMANTIC: romantically attracted to people of the opposite gender 

HOMOROMANTIC: romantically attracted to people of the same gender 

BIROMANTIC: romantically attracted to people of both genders 

AROMANTIC: not romantically attracted to anyone

Most people who think of asexual people think of the aromantic kind. But not all asexual people are aromantic. I'm pretty sure this happens because for most people, their romantic orientation corresponds with their sexual orientation. Like for instance, the vast majority of heterosexual people are also heteroromantic (I'm sure there are some exceptions). Since people are used to thinking in those terms, they also assume that the vast majority of asexual people are also aromantic. But, that's not always the case. I have also met a guy who identified as a homoromantic asexual. Meaning he was attracted to men romantically and wanted to do things like cuddle and go on dates, but he wasn't sexually attracted to men. He also identified as sex negative and sex in general just didn't appeal to him. 

I personally always identified as heteroromantic. It's kind of weird because I was romantically attracted to men but I never actually felt sexually attracted to them despite having a sex drive. And no, this wasn't just a "oh you haven't found the right guy yet" thing. I full on fell in love with a guy once and didn't feel physically attracted to him. I didn't care about sex. I mainly just wanted to date him and spend time with him. And when I did think about sex (never actually thought of him when I thought about sex in general), to me it wasn't just about the sex. Sex wasn't a means to an end, it was another way of showing my romantic feelings. The sexual feelings couldn't stand on it's own as attraction rather it was more of an extension of my romantic attraction. Again, the sexual attraction just wasn't there for me. I never saw this guy as hot or attractive. Hell, I could see him aesthetically being considered beautiful but again, I didn't feel anything. I don't know if I'm doing a good job on explaining this and I'm kind of afraid of people coming for me because I'm aware of how this looks. I guess I'm nervous about the erasure and invalidation. 

TLDR: So basically asexual people can be divided into the following: 

• Whether or not or how open they are to having sex: sex negative, sex neutral, sex positive 
• Whether or not they have a sex drive
• Their romantic orientation: heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, aromantic 

Edited July 26, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

The Difference Between Sexuality and Sexual Orientation

Sexuality and sexual orientation are often lumped into the same category. When someone says that they are questioning their sexuality, we immediately think of them rethinking their orientation. I would like to present an alternative way of looking at this and that is that sexuality and sexual orientation are two different things that over lap but are nevertheless different. 

Sexuality is how you express yourself sexually while your sexual orientation is who you prefer to express your sexuality to. Your sexual orientation is a part of your sexuality because your orientation affects the way you express yourself sexually. However, your sexuality isn't limited to your sexual orientation and has a variety of other factors involved. 

A long time a go, I read this article about asexual people who were into BDSM (can't find the article now, don't remember the title). Basically the article was differentiating between sexuality and sexual orientation and how asexual people can still have a sex drive, enjoy sex, and even have kinks. That sounds really contradictory to the typical asexual stereotypes which I did address in the previous post. The article was talking about how even if you aren't attracted to anyone, you can still be open to the idea of sex and even enjoy it in specific ways. Again, you're simply just not going to be attracted to the person you're having sex with.   

One point that I really liked is how two people can be of different sexual orientations but have similar sexualities and vice versa. For instance, a gay person and a straight person can have similar sexualities and be into similar kinky things but they are nevertheless have different orientations. Likewise, you can have two straight people where one is into all types of freaky shit while the other is completely vanilla. They both have the same orientation, but they have different ways of sexually expressing themselves. Similarly, you can have an asexual person who is into BDSM and a straight/gay/bi/pan person who is into BDSM, and while each person has a different orientation, they have similar sexualities. 

Another way i would describe this is, imagine walking on a path. The direction you walk is like your sexual orientation orientation. Lets say walking north is for gay, south is for straight, east is for bi, and west is for asexual. The way you walk the path is like the rest of your sexuality. Do you chose to walk (basic sex)? Do you choose to run (something a little more fast paced)? Do you choose to skip (something more lighthearted and playful)? Or do you want to do something wild and cartwheel your way on the path (something that is out there.) A person could be skipping north and another person could be skipping east. A person could be walking south while another person could be doing cartwheels south. And no matter what path you choose to walk, you can experiment different ways of walking that path to see that you enjoy the most. Or hell, maybe you go in a different direction and a different path but that doesn't mean that what ever ground you covered in the past was a waste or that it was any less real. Even if your orientation and sense of direction changes, that doesn't mean that everything that came before the change was fake. That was a valid part of your journey and the new direction you're at now is also valid. 

For me, I've been travelling west for a while now. I've grown and learned about myself since when I first realized my most authentic direction was west. But things change, and that's ok. Currently, I don't know which direction feels most authentic and I don't mind sitting down and figuring things out or maybe get a little lost. 

Ok I think I'm done with that metaphor lol. But something that I found interesting is that even though I'm questioning my orientation, a lot of my sexuality is still the same. Like I still like a lot of the same things but now it's like I look at those things through a different lens. It's like, I did change directions but I'm still running/walking/skipping/cartwheeling the same way I used to. Exactly what am I metaphorically pointing to when I mention running/walking/skipping/cartwheeling? More on that in the future. 

[soos_mite_ah]

My Love Hate (Mostly Hate) Relationship with Smoking 

I think this could be summarized in a couple of simple sentence. I think the idea of smoking is sexy but the moment I encounter a smoker irl, I'm immediately repulsed. I like smoking only in theory.

That's also why I don't take my sexual desires super seriously. I take it seriously enough to validate my emotions but I do have a healthy dose of skepticism because I don't know if I like a certain thing or if I just like it in theory due to lack of experience. I have my fantasies, an idea of what I might like, and a rough list of things I want to try, but I know that there is a bias towards theory and it isn't grounded in much direct experience. 

Anyway, back to smoking. I find it really sexy and aesthetically pleasing in pictures. Smoke itself when photograph looks ethereal to me in a very dark way. That's the best way I can describe it.  

I tried to do a couple google searches on why smoking is sexy and I found a few things, some I resonated with some I didn't. I think part of it is conditioning from the media, specifically old Hollywood. I found a couple short articles of why some people think smoking is sexy or if it's still considered sexy. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/202009/is-smoking-still-viewed-sexy

https://jezebel.com/why-do-we-still-think-smoking-is-sexy-5616816

Quote

In the movies, Jean Paul Belmondo, Bette Davis and other silver-screen stars smoked during romantic moments; often having a cigarette was a signal for wanting sex, a clue that a character had just had sex, or a straight-up substitute for a sex scene.

Basically, back in the day you couldn't get too detailed because people were so uncomfortable with sex but they still wanted it in the plot so they used cigarettes as a short hand of sorts. Even though that isn't the case anymore and more and more people find smoking unattractive over time, some people still have the cultural/subliminal association between sex and smoking. I say subliminal because honestly I can see where this article is going but I can't recall a movie that actually does that from the top of my head. 

Then there are people who see smoking as a representation of sexy traits like risk taking, being bold, being rebellious etc. Basically the whole "bad guy" trope. I can't relate to that. For me, it's kind of the opposite. To me, smoking reminds me of something that feels traditional and classic but also nonchalant. Again, goes back to the whole old Hollywood thing and the way smoking was portrayed. And I would say that older movies and TV shows were often on in my household growing up. For some reason we always had what my dad and I jokingly call the old people channel. We called it that because all of the shows that aired on that channel were from the 1950s to 70s/early 80s and because all of the ads on that channel were along the lines of life insurance, funeral arrangements, and hearing aids. But yeah anyway, things like I Love Lucy, The Dick Van Dyke Show, etc. were always on. Even though those shows are family friendly, it still carries on that old Hollywood vibe from the time period it was made and I guess because of that, I kinda found myself drawn to the aesthetic as a whole.  

Another thing that came up when I was thinking about this is the relationship between smoking and masculinity. I had a conversation about this with my dad a while back about what caused him to start smoking when he was young. Basically, back then, even though everyone knew that smoking was bad for you, especially for men, it was a symbol of masculinity, power/wealth (because tobacco cigarettes were expensive in Bangladesh) and a rite of passage of sorts. I'm not sure about now but I also know that for women, smoking was very looked down upon. My mom and my older aunts still have that mentality. I'm not sure if that's a mentality that is still super common with everyone in South Asia or if my mom and my aunts are just going by what they saw growing up. 

I'm not sure to what extent cigarettes have an appeal to masculinity and power. I think there is shades of that given the gender roles of old Hollywood, and how smoking mainly looks attractive to me in pictures when the guy is dressed really nicely. But I don't see the link as super clean cut because when I think of aesthetic smoking pictures, I think of women first. As I mentioned before, smoking in pictures have this dark ethereal vibe to it and I feel that an ethereal vibe compliments femininity more than masculinity. There is something that is kind of dainty about smoke. Also, I think it plays into my oral fixation of sorts to be honest.

Anyway… Enough of me simping for lung cancer for the aesthetic.

My dislike for smoking really comes down to the fact that it looks and smells dirty to me. If someone smokes near me outside, I’m immediately repulsed and disgusted. It smells soooo bad and it triggers this gag reflex in me to where I feel like I’m going to throw up. I also think this is due to the media because I remember seeing a bunch of anti-smoking ads growing up.

The throat cleaning thing always gets to me.

Again, as time goes on, more and more people tend to see smoking as unattractive. I think I remember seeing an article somewhere where American Gen Z’ers were almost the first generation to not see smoking as cool. That was the case until vaping and Juul became a thing. The company was basically like *oh no, young people don’t want to smoke! You know what, lets make this shit cotton candy flavored.*

I have a special place of hatred towards Juul. It’s not only because of that but also because Juul reminds me of middle school boys who don’t shower but think that Axe body spray will fix everything and cover it up when in reality it just makes them smell worse. Regular cigarettes smell like shit. Strawberry Juul smells like fake strawberry scented shit. It’s like it doesn’t even have the balls to smell like regular shit and instead wants to come off as appealing.

If I’m going to be totally honest, smoking and vaping is one of my deal breakers. If you’re kissing a cigarette, you’re sure as hell not about to kiss me. Even when it comes to friends and family, granted like 90% of my circle doesn’t smoke, if they choose to smoke, they can’t do it near me. Like I’m sorry, I like breathing lol. Also, even though my life is a mess, at least I don’t have a nicotine addiction from a flash drive.

This also includes weed for me. I hate the smell of weed. I don't see anything wrong with weed and I do think it should be legalized, but I don't like people smoking around me. I'm good with weed brownies though. I'd pick chocolatey goodness over lung damage any day. 

Also this song was trending for a bit. It gives me the creeps because it's basically about a wife who started smoking having a dialog with her husband who passed away due to lung cancer. But not gonna lie, the song is a vibe. 

Edited July 27, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[RendHeaven]

53 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I have a special place of hatred towards Juul. It’s not only because of that but also because Juul reminds me of middle school boys who don’t shower but think that Axe body spray will fix everything and cover it up when in reality it just makes them smell worse. Regular cigarettes smell like shit. Strawberry Juul smells like fake strawberry scented shit. It’s like it doesn’t even have the balls to smell like regular shit and instead wants to come off as appealing.

If I’m going to be totally honest, smoking and vaping is one of my deal breakers. If you’re kissing a cigarette, you’re sure as hell not about to kiss me. Even when it comes to friends and family, granted like 90% of my circle doesn’t smoke, if they choose to smoke, they can’t do it near me. Like I’m sorry, I like breathing lol. Also, even though my life is a mess, at least I don’t have a nicotine addiction from a flash drive.

??????

[soos_mite_ah]

I felt the need to add this to my journal after my last post

 

[soos_mite_ah]

Conventionally Attractive 

Something that has remind the same whether I identified as asexual or straight ish is that I don't get the appeal with "conventionally attractive" people. Don't get me wrong, I can see why they are considered beautiful, but from an attraction standpoint, a lot of times, I can't relate. 

I also feel like the appeal of conventionally attractive people wanes with age. First of all is the obvious and that is looks isn't the only thing you're looking for when it comes to attraction. Second, I think as you get older and you get exposed to more people, you figure out what you personally find attractive and that may or may not always align with what is considered conventionally attractive. I think when you are younger, I'm talking about middle school and part of high school, because you might not have a specific idea on what you find attractive, a lot of people tend to just go with what society tells them to find attractive as a starting point of sorts. I remember growing up there were girls losing their god damn minds over Robert Pattinson and Ryan Gosling and I felt that a lot of the guys that were hyped fell under a certain caricature of what was considered attractive. The best way I could describe it is the Love Island effect (even though that show didn't air until I was in college). Love Island in my opinion picks out the most conventionally attractive people for each of their seasons. The thing is supposed to appeal to a mass audience so as a result they typically go for the people that are considered attractive to society as a whole. 

But it's just not doing it for me. All of the guys more or less look the same and it just feels really boring. They're all tall, have more or less the same body structure/ muscle mass, and sometimes even have similar facial features.  I think the whole Love Island effect is kind of like that quote of how you can either be everyone's cup of tea or one person's shot of whiskey. I'm tired of seeing the same Ken doll. Mix it up a little bit. Give me a dad bod. Give me a tall skinny guy. Give me a short guy. Give me a more feminine looking guy. Honestly, we need to unpack a lot of male beauty standards. I tend to feel that women aren't as bad when it comes to enforcing these standards because there is hype around all of the types that I listed out whereas with men, they tend to be more cut throat (this is a post for a different day). But nevertheless, this is something that needs to be talked about more. 

While society still affects what we all find attractive, I feel that in a lot of cases, the Love Island effect wears off. Idk, I feel like growing up everyone was attracted to basically the same Ken doll and as I get older, people get more specific with their types. Like I know with my friend group, we all have very different types. It's to the point where every time one of us finds someone attractive, the other people in the group just doesn't get it. And because of that, I think looks don't matter when it comes to attraction. Looks do matter in terms of attraction on an individual level but in a broader scope of things, looks don't matter at all because odds are that there is someone who will find you to be their type no matter what.

And because of that, the vibe and confidence you put out becomes much more important. This is going to sound corny but I remember thinking I was ugly for a large chunk of time. Then sometime between high school and college, I was working on my general mental health and started weeding through a lot of my body image issues. And I found myself thinking along the lines of "most people might not think of me as attractive, but that's ok because I find myself attractive." I know that I'm probably a 6 on a good day in most people's eyes, but you know what, I'm still a 8-10 (depending on my confidence in myself that day) in my own eyes. I started showed up with that attitude. Next thing I know, people actually start noticing that. And I didn't even have to change anything physically that I was insecure about. 

The people I noticed who get the most fixated and obsessed with conventional beauty are usually people who tend to be really insecure about their own looks or they have an immature and rigid views on attraction. These people can't wrap their heads around the relativity of attraction and don't get that some people might be considered beautiful by some but at the same time be considered ugly by other people. To these people, it's like in order to be considered attractive, you need to check off a series of boxes. I feel like the male gaze is like that as a whole. It's also people  who identify as incels or any type of red pill that falls into this category. And I always find it funny when they see a short skinny feminine looking guy get more girls than them because of the vibe that short skinny guy puts out and how all of the red pill people lose the minds because they can't comprehend how that is so. A lot of it just comes down to projection tbh. They think they're ugly because they don't think they fall under this narrow view of attractiveness and they judge everyone else on a similarly harsh scale. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Physical Things I Find Attractive 

Just really feel like journaling about this tbh. I'm also going to be organizing this in terms of sexual attraction, sensual attraction, and aesthetic attraction.  

Aesthetic Attraction: 

Big Noses 

I feel like big noses really adds character to people's faces. Often times it adds an element of uniqueness which I really admire. It's like a mountain on a person's face. I get that sounds like an insult because of Eurocentric beauty standards but if you think about it, most people don't find mountains ugly. They are often seen as majestic and personally that's how I feel about larger noses. I especially like larger noses with the little bump on them. I think that's really cute and endearing but also people with large noses with a bump, I really like their side profiles. Those types of noses in my opinion gives a really regal look. It reminds me of paintings of royalty from ancient times. This is very much an aesthetic thing imo.  Tbh, it makes me kind of sad how most people with the bump on their nose feel the need for a nose job. I was thinking of incorporating pictures on this post (decided against it because I need to save space on how many things I post) and when I searched up big noses with bumps on google images, I saw a bunch of plastic surgery before and after pictures. Again, that made me a little sad. 

Curly/ Wavy Hair 

I just think in general for both genders that textured hair is so beautiful and majestic especially when it's well cared for. On top of that, I feel like most people with curly and wavy hair, there's just so many different types of curly hair to where no one person's hair is the same. There is just so much beauty in that diversity and it also adds character to a person's features. But guys who have curly and wavy hair who let me run their fingers through their hair just hit different tbh. With some guys who have curly and wavy hair, my mind immediately goes to us cuddling with is face in towards the top half of my chest right under my chin and me playing with his hair, running my fingers through it, and giving him little forehead kisses. This is both a sensual and aesthetic thing. 

Naturally Gray Hair on Young People 

This is again an aesthetic thing. I feel like people of both genders look good with gray hair. I'm specifically talking about young people who go completely gray in their 20s or so. I feel like a lot of people who have naturally gray hair have this confidence about them and when they're young there is an interesting contrast between their hair and the rest of their face. It also comes down to the whole uniqueness factor. I also feel like gray hair tends to have this silvery sparkle/ sheen to them when it looks really healthy. I think I might have gotten the going gray early genes (I have a handful of family members who have this gene) because I started finding my first gray hairs when I was 16 or so. It might be because of stress but honestly, I never felt insecure about it. I found those few strands to be really pretty tbh. My fingers are crossed hoping this isn't a stress thing and that I go gray early lol.  

Facial Hair

I think this is more of an aesthetic thing tbh. A beard is like contour for men. Does wonders for your bone structure. And if you're not the best looking in the looks department, have no fear because a beard will cover like half of your face. I think everyone looks good when they are mainly eyes and cheek bones lmao. That's kind of why I like wearing my mask lol. 

Good Eyebrows 

This is going to be me being petty but I feel that for both genders, eyebrows can be the make or break because of how they frame your face. I think I especially notice it because of how often I have to do my eyebrows and how often people ask me to their eyebrows. I look back at old pictures of myself from middle school and I see a cute kid but the eyebrows just messed the whole thing up. I feel like especially for brown women, doing your eyebrows is like more than half of the glow up tbh. And as for men... god I wish more guys would be secure in their masculinity if anything for the sake of doing their eyebrows. They can make all of the difference. You could have amazing facial features and not have them brought out to the light just because your eyebrows are fucked up.  I swear, sorting out your eyebrows can make people go from a 3 to a 7 real quick. It's definitely an aesthetic thing. 

Skinny Guys or Guys that are Slightly Toned

This is 100% an aesthetic thing. I have yet to see a skinny guy who doesn't look good in clothes. I swear, regardless of  height, they always look on point.  Especially when they have a good fashion sense. God they looks so good. Plus, most skinny guys I feel like also tend to have good bone structures and nice facial features so there is that too. 

Eyeliner/ Makeup on guys 

I think this is both an aesthetic and kind of a psychological thing. First of all, it tells me that you don't have a fragile masculinity. Second, a lot of guys actually look good in a little bit of makeup imo. Third, I think part of this is also my emo phase from my childhood talking. 

Sexual Attraction: 

Body Hair 

I find guys who have a lot of hair really attractive for some reason. I swear this isn't something that is weird or super uncommon but for some reason every time I bring that up with my friends, they think it's really strange for some reason. When I'm talking about body hair, I'm not talking about thin, fine, or blondish body hair. I'm talking about thick, dark, course hair. I guess part of it is that it makes me feel more comfortable with also being kind of hairy lmaooo. Especially when it comes to chest hair. I think it's sexy when a little bit is peeking out. Idk, I think it's the equivalent of seeing cleavage for a woman, don't know how else to explain it. It just makes me want to caress a guy. Definitely a sexual attraction thing. 

Necklaces 

This definitely falls under sexual attraction for me. It doesn't have to be a lot of necklaces (I feel like it can be over done), but I think just a couple is enough for me. I like it because I feel like it draws attention towards a man's chest. 

Veins

I don't know why I like it. Apparently this is kind of common. But I do in fact identify as a cardiovascular whore. It feels like both aesthetic and sexual attraction.  I remember when I identified as asexual I thought this was weird and light heartedly made fun of straight women who was into this only to realize later on years later that I'm also into this lmaooo. 

Adams Apples 

I think this is because my own neck and shoulders are really sensitive and because this is a sign of masculinity. I feel like this is a little weird but it is what it is lol. 

Sensual Attraction: 

Smelling Nice 

If you haven't gotten it by my rant in the post where I talked about smoking, I am sensitive to smells. While that can manifest in a negative way by being immediately repulsed by smokers, it can also manifest in a really positive way in the form of being attracted to people who smell really nice. Whenever a guy is wearing cologne, all I can thinking of is wanting to hug him, cuddle him, and get close to him. I feel that this falls under sensual attraction. Honestly, it doesn't feel like a sexual attraction thing. Like I don't feel like one of those women who are often seen in men's cologne commercials lmao. It more along the lines of this. To me hugging a guy who smells nice is like holding a fuzzy warm blanket when it comes out of the dryer. 

Chubbier Guys/ Dad Bods 

Guys who are a little chubbier and has a dad bod honestly give the best hugs and are so nice to cuddle with. It's like curling up into a life size teddy bear. I feel so comforted in those situations. They're just so squishy and I really like that as someone who is into physical touch. This is definitely a sensual attraction thing mainly because I feel like I focus on the cuteness and the huggable factor than anything else. 

Shorter Guys

I don't know which category this falls under whether it would be sexual, sensual, or aesthetic attraction. But for some reason, I always find myself drawn to guys who are around 5'6" to 5'9" or so. Maybe it's because I'm short myself and being around a shorter guy feels more natural because it isn't like they are totally towering over me. I really don't know tbh. But one thing I know for sure is that when a shorter guy has his arms around me while standing or walking, it's much more comfortable than a tall guy doing the same thing. With a short guy, it feels more natural. With a tall guy, I feel like I'm being shoved inside of a pokeball. All I can think of is how Ash's pikachu never wanted to be inside of that damn thing and how I can relate to that feeling. But when we're sitting down on a couch and he has is arm around me, that's when it really doesn't matter. I guess because of this it leans kind of towards the sensual attraction side. 

A Nice Voice 

This hits all of the types of attraction for me whether it is sexual, sensual, or aesthetic. But I really like guys who have a nice voice. What consists of a nice voice is really flexible.  I can do a whole separate post on this one.

Edited July 28, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

I felt like taking this post that I made in one of my other journals and include it here. I just started thinking of this specific post after making the post on being conventionally attractive as well as what I personally find attractive. 

On 1/11/2021 at 10:52 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Thought these were interesting videos  

Personally I can't say that I know what men go through when it comes to body image but I can say that I grew up around a lot of guys who didn't have the healthiest outlook towards their bodies and went to extremes to get shredded. I feel that working out automatically has this connotation with being healthy and as a result, when people would look at guys who had horrible body dysmorphia go to the gym all the time, it was seen as them "being healthy." I have this one cousin who works out constantly, weighs himself everyday, and can't even enjoy food anymore because of these standards. It really hurts me to see him in that way and I did try to check up on him but I also know there is only so much I can do and that I couldn't be too confrontational about it especially since I'm not super close to him. And the rest of my family is all like "oh he is so into fitness, he needs to keep doing what he is doing etc" and they completely ignore what's going on mentally. 

There is the notion with fitness always being painted in a healthy light and there is also whole notion of men not being able to have eating disorders but that's a whole nother topic and it greatly has to do with masculinity, needing help, and the stigma around mental illness for men because it isn't seen as manly or strong to have emotions. I believe there needs to be much more awareness around men's issues when it comes to body image because in most of the cases the conversations revolve around women's beauty standards. I get why. Society places much more value on the way a woman looks and women are bombarded with a ton of bs. But completely ignoring the other end of the spectrum with men is also super harmful because being insecure about the way your body looks and going on diets and exercise regimes that can be dangerous to one's health isn't limited to gender. 

I also found a comment under the men's body image video to be pretty interesting. It was basically summing up the way I felt watching the video: 

"It’s funny how many/most people are more attracted to average than to extremes, but media portrays beauty in extremes, i.e., straight women, on average, are attracted to men with “average” bodies, and straight men, on average, are attracted to women with “average” bodies, but media makes us believe that only super skinny women and super ripped men are attractive." 

Yeah and I think part of the reason why these extremes are more pronounced in the media is because there needs to be an element of shock factor that engages a viewers attention so the media take standards that were already present in society and they go above and beyond. There is that, but there is also the obvious culprits of people trying to sell you shit. Like the comment, I agree that most people are still attracted to average. I don't even think being average looking is even an insult tbh. But because of the way that the media exaggerates things and makes things larger than life, it makes it seem that way, as if average isn't good enough. And personally, body type hasn't really been in my mind when I look at a guy and think he is attractive. I have liked chubbier guys, skinny guys, and even guys who work out. I have a whole range tbh. I guess my only preference is when it comes to height where I prefer guys who are 5'6" to 5'9" because I'm a short person and really tall guys low key scare me. But even then I wouldn't reject someone because of height, that's dumb. 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

My mouth feels bored. I want to wrap my lips around something and/or have my tongue played with. I have a variety of things in mind. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Just a Tiny Rant 

I don't know why but the phrases "stimulate her emotions" or "spike her emotions" feels really weird and off to me. I see it be thrown around in the dating section. LIKE SIR do you just mean connect with her as a person, have a baseline of chemistry, and have a personality? That feels like the bare minimum.

And if the chemistry or connection isn't there or yall's personality doesn't mesh for what ever reason, that isn't anyone's fault. It's just incompatibility tbh. No one is doing anything wrong (unless it's the case where someone feels emotionally uncomfortable to where they feel unsafe in a way, that's different). Happens on the platonic, romantic, and sexual level all the time. Nothing personal.  

Also, if I remember correctly, someone did talk about how looking at relationships solely through the lens of survival rather than love, intimacy, and connection can be detrimental and can cause misanthropic / misogynistic tendencies on this forum. That really resonated with me. I get that technically everything is survival and that isn't a bad thing but sometimes I feel that when people use the term survival, they use it as a short hand to lump everything together as "petty human shit." And because everything is lumped together, there isn't much nuance and there is a tendency for false equivalency where people lump together emotional intimacy and wanting big titties into the same blob of category that is survival. There is this trivialization that is in play. The way it's used is that it down plays the very human need for emotional connection and sees it as this "feminine thing" while justifying objectivation by not going into how harmful it is at the same time. I don't know if I'm articulating this well.

Idk, I have a hard time believing that it's a masculine/man thing to not care about emotional connection and intimacy and that men and women are at odds at this. That attitude also reeks of the "boys will be boys", "men are from Mars, women are from Venus", "men and women are fundamentally different" vibes. I get that emotional connection is seen as feminine because of the way vulnerability is stigmatized for men, but it just feels wrong to gender a human need. (I know that masculinity and femininity are gender neutral but they do have heavy connotations with each gender). 

Edited July 29, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Ok I found the thread I was looking for. I especially appreciate flowboy's, Etherial Cat's and aurum's comments/input. 

[soos_mite_ah]

The Lolita Resurgence 

OH NO 
OH NO  
NOT THIS THING AGAIN 
I THOUGHT WE WERE PASSED THIS TREND 

I THOUGHT WE ALREADY LAID THIS SHIT TO REST YEARS AGO

I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS 

OH HELL NO 

NOPE 

WHY 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!?!?!??!?!?!?!!!!!!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

Ok, internal screaming aside, I did actually like the analysis on this video 

anyway.... I'm going to tackle the whole lolita thing later

Found something else that I want to discuss first. 

Edited July 29, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[InsecureAnon]

On 7/28/2021 at 9:45 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Shorter Guys

I don't know which category this falls under whether it would be sexual, sensual, or aesthetic attraction. But for some reason, I always find myself drawn to guys who are around 5'6" to 5'9" or so. Maybe it's because I'm short myself and being around a shorter guy feels more natural because it isn't like they are totally towering over me. I really don't know tbh. But one thing I know for sure is that when a shorter guy has his arms around me while standing or walking, it's much more comfortable than a tall guy doing the same thing. With a short guy, it feels more natural. With a tall guy, I feel like I'm being shoved inside of a pokeball. All I can think of is how Ash's pikachu never wanted to be inside of that damn thing and how I can relate to that feeling. But when we're sitting down on a couch and he has is arm around me, that's when it really doesn't matter. I guess because of this it leans kind of towards the sensual attraction side. 

 

@soos_mite_ah

Thank you. I hope there's plenty of women like this. 

But I feel like you're an anomaly, I feel like there's no hope for short guys. 

Would you date a short & muscular guy too or does that look weird to you? (Not bodybuilder extreme but lean / ripped)

I feel like getting ripped only made me a manlet.

[InsecureAnon]

And I would comment that women are far, far worse with their enforcing of standards. (Not complaining & I don't hate women honestly I love you all but ..) 

They are so tight & specific, because they do social comparison & really care about friends approval. They also have infinite options, they just pick the best option always.

I find that guys are far more flexible (and far more desperate anyway) and for me personally I like curvy girls, skinny girls, short girls or tall girls ect.. she just has to be attractive (and not ugly) (to me) which doesn't mean a tightly defined list, it's just do I feel atrraction yes or no.