The Female Gaze

[soos_mite_ah]

I've been exploring my sexuality and what I do and don't find attractive for a while but I've been doing that more lately. I think about sex and intimacy WAAAYY more than I want to admit and I think I'm at a point where I need a outlet to lay out all of my thoughts. I don't know what kinds of posts I'm going to do or where this is going to lead but I hope that I can utilize my pent up energy and make something constructive out of it. 

A little background: I have considered myself asexual from the age of 14 to 21. That has had a huge impact on my relationship with my sexuality. Now I'm in a place where I'm questioning my orientation mainly because I'm on birth control now and the pill is messing with my hormones and my head. I thought I was very sure about my sexual orientation but I guess tf not. I'm just rethinking a lot of things tbh. 

Also, I find the topic of attraction really interesting as a whole and the way that different dynamics interplay with one another and how a lot of things regarding sexuality, though they may seem raw and unfiltered, don't exist in a vacuum. This has been kind of a side interest that I enjoy talking about with people but it wasn't anything that I looked into on my own until now since I'm getting interested in all of this more. 

So yeah... let's see where this journal goes 

Edited July 16, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

The Female Gaze 

Soo, something that keeps coming up on my recommended both on YouTube and on TikTok is people talking about the difference the male gaze and the female gaze. When I first encountered discourse around this topic, somethings just kind of made sense. Like for instance, straight men and bisexual women/lesbians, though both groups are interested in women, I always felt that I got different vibes from the way that either group talked about women sexually. I can listen to bisexual women and lesbians talk about women they find attractive and what they are into all day and be fine but for some reason when straight men talk about the same topic, mainly guys who are like aggressively straight, I'm so uncomfortable. I always thought this was some type of bias I have and to a certain extent that may be the case but upon finding the whole male gaze vs female gaze discourse, I felt validated when it came to how I picked up different vibes from each group when they talked about the same topic. I wrote about the cottagecore aesthetic a while ago in my main journal and I wanted to include a part of that here since it relates to what I'm talking about. 

Quote

I believe this video also touches on returning to a gentle form of femininity away from the context of patriarchy not as a form of escapism rather as a form of self care.  This also reminded me of a tiktok that I saw a while back of a person talking about how bisexual/lesbian women find women attractive feels different compared to how straight men finding women attractive. It was something along the lines of how women when they find another woman attractive is along the lens of seeing that woman as a work of art. It's like looking at a painting where even if that person doesn't fit the standard of what is considered beautiful, there is something beautiful that is about them and the vibe they put out, kind of like why people may find impressionistic paintings, abstract art or anything else in between beautiful despite all of the types of beauty contrasting with each other where there are no common features setting a standard of beauty. I think something like this can be seen with a group straight women as well where even if we have friends who don't fit the mold of what is considered conventionally attractive, we still hype each other up and point out the features that we find beautiful in each other.

Whereas with men, instead of the "work of art lens" a lot of what they consider attractive is painted from the lens of things like porn and objectification due to the way that women are presented in media and advertising. It's more along the lines of a woman has to check a series of boxes for them to be deemed attractive. And then you end up with a more limited idea of what is considered attractive. 

Then there is the concept of men being visual creatures. I love how this point is always brought up to justify objectification but men being visual creatures is never brought up when it comes to how they design their homes, what kind of clothes they wear, etc. rather instead those things are written off as things that women care about because of their "feminine natural drive towards beautification." And if a man god forbid cares about these things and does something along the lines of doing his eyebrows or using a facemask every now and then so their skin doesn't get crusty, suddenly other men think he's gay .  Honestly, from my observations, straight men generally are not visually competent and don't know how to carry themselves. Like I've flipped through different tinder profiles and I swear to god like 90% of the profiles have selfies from the awkwardest angles to where basically the guys are shooting themselves on the foot as far as attractiveness goes. I stg there are men out there who are 4s who could easily be a 7 if they got a proper haircut, did their eyebrows, did something nice for their skin every now and then instead of just washing their face with 3 in 1 bodywash/shampoo/conditioner, and bought clothes that actually fit them well.  So much for being visually inclined smh. 

Anyway, my rant is over lol. I think that's why a lot of lesbians flock to cottagecore. Because the aesthetic appeals to a form of beauty that is more aligned with the way women find other women attractive rather than from the male gaze. Granted that I'm going off of things that I heard in a tiktok and how it resonates with how I compliment my friends so I can't really say how much of my analysis aligns with the experiences of women who love women. 

The way I came across this whole discussion was people on TikTok basically commenting on a video that went viral. That video was basically this really buff guy who was just confused and seemed upset as to why women flock to guys who are skinny, kind of feminine looking and why he the alpha male chad person couldn't get a date. And women basically had a field day with this because it was so clear how some men have absolutely no idea what actually attracts women. I mean don't get me wrong, there are women who like really fit guys but tbh, most women don't care that much if you have abs or not. A lot of people also were talking about how men do things to appeal to other men rather than appeal to women because they are operating under the male gaze. And even though on the surface it looks like they are trying to attract women, deep down inside it's about validation from other guys and feel more secure in their "masculinity." I put this in quotes because I think masculinity can come in many different forms but the patriarchy has a very narrow definition of what it means to be the masculine ideal. From my own observations, I have noticed that some guys see sex as a conquest and a high body count as something to brag to other guys about. And if you are a virgin, it's thought that there is something horribly wrong with you. There is also this whole thing about on how women stereotypically want a super buff guy who makes a lot of money and who is super dominant and tbh, as a woman it feels like it's clear as day that this stereotype is just projection of what men think women want based on what they consider worthy in a patriarchal hierarchy.  

And tbh, if you have those types of limiting beliefs when it comes to attracting women and you follow the male gaze when it comes to female attraction, it's like a recipe for disaster and a lot of alpha male cringe content. And I stg if there is a guy comes on here and is like dON't asK a FiSH hoW tO BE cauGht, I'm going to be irritated. I know self bias is a thing don't get me wrong but it's like, women have direct experience on what they like and the fact that we speak our truth regarding what we like only to be shut down is just further proof that men will prioritize the voices of other men and appeal to them than listen what to women find desirable. 

The whole thing with the male gaze is that it's everywhere, especially in the media when it comes to things like cinematography. The perspective of women are not well represented or prioritized. As a result, you have a bunch of women who have what attracts men down to a science and you have a bunch of men who can't appeal to women to save their lives. Let's be real, one of the main reasons why there isn't a female equivalent of an incel is because of socialization and the way women are taught about what guys are interested in from a young age and are taught to prioritize relationships in life for better and for worse.  The same can't be said about guys because again, the female gaze isn't well represented. 

So what do women find attractive? I can't say I have all of the answers since I can't speak for all women. But I can describe things and explore things from my personal gaze as a woman. 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

Also, I'm going to bet right now that I'm probably going to regret the title of this journal and figure out something more interesting a few months from now and I'll be cringing at my choice. 

[Etherial Cat]

1 hour ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Also, I'm going to bet right now that I'm probably going to regret the title of this journal and figure out something more interesting a few months from now and I'll be cringing at my choice. 

Your title is perfect.

Also, I never see any "cringe" worthy displays from you. You should believe more in yourself and your choices. 

Your self-image doesn't reflect accurately how gifted you are and easy to appreciate.

 

[soos_mite_ah]

@Etherial Cat

[soos_mite_ah]

How Much Do I Think About Sex and Intimacy 

11 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I think about sex and intimacy WAAAYY more than I want to admit and I think I'm at a point where I need a outlet to lay out all of my thoughts.

So first I wake up every morning and I roll around in bed for about an hour regardless of what time I got up at. I roll around the bed and I hug a pillow and imagine that I'm cuddling with someone and that I woke up with someone. This may or may not escalate into me having more sexual thoughts. Some days I wake up with back pain and in those days, I'm even more lonely because all I want is someone to give me a massage and then fuck me. 

I continue on my day as usual like an normal person. But every time I get a time to take a break from whatever I'm doing, or I'm bored / spaced out, or if I have any amount of free time either I get intrusive thoughts about something really sexually out there or my mind simply wonders to someone hugging me from behind or flirting with me or just engaging in innocent touch. I daydream way too much. This especially happens when I'm in class and I'm supposed to be focusing on whatever is going on (however lately I have noticed that I can focus and think about these things at the same time). I kind of also have this weird paranoia of someone in my class secretly being able to read minds and the get to me only to see straight up porn. I remember seeing some statistic that was along the lines of men think about sex every 7 seconds and honestly I thought that was fake until I started going through a phase where I have been constantly emotionally thirsty. I forgot what the statistic was for women but I think it was that they think of sex every 20 seconds.  

And then there are some days where I just really want someone to hold me and cuddle with me and usually this leads me to taking a lot of naps and dozing off while again hugging a pillow and burying my face in it. That definitely messes with my sleep schedule at times. 

Speaking of my sleep schedule, sometimes I'm up waay too late fantasizing about things that will probably never happen that I'm ***manifesting***. Also, I can't sleep unless I have some type of made up scenario in my head or I imagine someone holding me and running their fingers through my hair.  

So basically, I spend a large chunk of my day just fantasizing. 

[Myioko]

I second Etherial Cat, the thought of 'what your writing is cringe' has never come across my mind. The way you write comes across to me as you being very socially aware and not awkward. But at the same, I can really relate to the feeling of embarrassment and cringe while posting here. I feel it ALL the time, haha, and end up hiding most of my posts. I'm still figuring out how to overcome embarrassment myself. 

It's interesting reading about other peoples experiences with identifying as asexual. I was late in reading about the term asexual so I didn't start identifying as it until I was 21, and still I keep it mostly quiet because most people I know just don't ask. Also I was an extremely sheltered kid, so that was a double blow of being clueless about sexuality. It must be pretty strange for you to stop identifying as it/being uncertain about it? For me I feel pretty certain in being asexual, but at the same time, it's kind of a placeholder name too since sexuality can always shift over time. And then there's figuring out romantic attraction, that's a whole different thing. If I ever decided if I wanted to get into a relationship I would feel pretty overwhelmed due to being behind on the learning curve. 

Have you had any luck with online dating? Or are you more interesting in making in person relationships/friendships overtime and seeing where that leads? I wonder if online dating is as awful and unromantic as some people make it out to be. Surely it isn't completely devoid of compatible genuine people out there, but it does sound tough and a bit draining. 

The male gaze videos were interesting to watch. Many of the cliche male gaze movie shots have an action movie, stage orange male vibe to me. 

 

 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

How Being Asexual Made Me More Mindful in Attraction

I find it very interesting and ironic how being asexual through my teen years made me more in touch with my sexuality and experiences with attraction.  Like I know that what I was experiencing was experienced by others so it's not like I was stumbling into new territory but being asexual and figuring out that identity made me dissect those experiences more. I'm going to start with talking about attraction in this post. Typically when people think of attraction, people just think of regular sexual attraction. But when I was asexual, I didn't feel that sexual attraction towards anyone by definition. However, I still felt attraction towards people but it was in an aesthetic sense, a platonic sense, a romantic sense, or in a sensual sense. I think this picture explains things really well. 

 

And personally the impression that I got from people who didn't identify as asexual was that to a lot of people attraction is kind of a monolith that always leads back to sexual attraction. For example, people mesh together romantic attraction with sexual attraction as that tends to go hand and hand with most people. But as someone who was asexual, I have experienced romantic attraction in the absence of sexual attraction. And I don't think I'm alone in that regarding my sexuality. Like most people even if they aren't asexual have experienced that but a lot of people never slowed down to question it. For example, a lot of kids before hitting puberty have experienced a crush or two. But there was never anything sexual behind it because i mean yall were children who didn't go through puberty yet. But most kids don't grow up and identify as a sexual meaning feeling romantic attraction and feeling sexual attraction are different things and they don't always go hand in hand and this experience isn't just isolated to people who are asexual. Asexual people imo are more likely to be able to differentiated it because things don't lump together. 

When it comes to aesthetic attraction, I think that's were a lot of people would doubt me when I identified as asexual.  Even when I was asexual, I still found people beautiful or even hot. And when I would say something along the lines "oh he's cute" people would jump and think it's a *got ya* moment. Then I would explain to them what aesthetic attraction was. And I would describe it as looking at people like paintings. I can think a painting is beautiful without having the urge to fuck the starry night. Or another example would be how girls think others girls are beautiful all the time despite most girls identifying as straight. Again, differentiating between aesthetic attraction and sexual attraction isn't an exclusively asexual experience, you're more likely to be able to see the contrast between the two because you don't feel one of them in the first place. I would say a really common experience is being able to notice when someone is conventionally attractive but not getting the hype because that person isn't making you feel some type of way. It's like *oh cool, she has a really symmetrical face. ANYWAY, back to what I was doing.* It's kind of like watching those oddly satisfying videos of kinetic sand being cut into perfect slices.

 I think a good example of people meshing aesthetic attraction and sexual attraction together is when for example a woman thinks another woman is  really attractive and says something along the lines of *this person is so attractive that I think I would go gay for them.* Lets be real, they're probably not having sexual fantasies about that person, they just think they're really beautiful. They're just very aesthetically attracted to that person. I know that quote is an exaggeration, but the figure of speech still proves a point of how aesthetic attraction and sexual attraction mesh together. 

Then there is sensual attraction. I'm a very physically affectionate person. I've always been a hugger. I've always been comfortable with touch. A lot of it probably has to do with my upbringing. My entire family is like this. Even though I'm 21 I still cuddle with my parents, yes even my dad. And I guess to some people that's really weird because they sexualize showing affection. I have heard stories of some dads who refuse to hug their daughters after they go through puberty because they think it's weird. And I think that's so heartbreaking. Ok so I'm not trying to say that I'm sensually attracted to my parents, but what I'm trying to say that some people sexualize any type of physical affection even if it's not inherently sexual. IMO cuddling isn't weird unless you make it weird. And I have felt sensual attraction toward people and again people think it's a *got ya* moment. There was a guy that I went to school with and we were cuddle buddies. I loved playing with his hair, holding his hand, and curling up next to him. And people would sit there like *alright let's bet how long it's going to take for these two to develop feelings for each other, date, or hook up.*  But no, none of that happened. Our relationship was strictly platonic even if we sometimes looked like a couple from the outside.  Also, this man was definitely not asexual. He was straight. 

The main takeaway from all of this is that there are many forms of attraction and while many of them go hand and hand, these can all exist independently from each other. And most of the time, you can experience multiple forms of attraction at once, there is still nuance in that experience of attraction. While I don't think that I'm asexual anymore, because that was how I identified for 7 years, I'm very good at differentiation different forms of attraction and being mindful when I do find myself attracted someone. Basically, I think this mindfulness makes me take in attraction more consciously and more in depth. 

[RendHeaven]

30 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Our relationship was strictly platonic even if we sometimes looked like a couple from the outside.  Also, this man was definitely not asexual. He was straight. 

Lol poor boy.

[soos_mite_ah]

1 hour ago, Myioko said:

I second Etherial Cat, the thought of 'what your writing is cringe' has never come across my mind. The way you write comes across to me as you being very socially aware and not awkward

First of all, I want to say thank you, I'm flattered. I think the reason why I think I might cringe at the title is because I don't have much of an idea of what direction this journal is going to go in. I started this on a whim similar to my main journal. After making The Joy Journal, a couple months later I found myself thinking *ahh shit I came up with a better fitting title because now I know what direction this journal ended up taking.* 

1 hour ago, Myioko said:

But at the same, I can really relate to the feeling of embarrassment and cringe while posting here. I feel it ALL the time, haha, and end up hiding most of my posts. I'm still figuring out how to overcome embarrassment myself. 

I read this book about awkwardness a few months back that had an interesting perspective on awkwardness. Basically, often times, awkwardness occurs when you present an unpolished version of yourself that contradicts your perception of yourself or other people's perception on you. It's like they get a peek behind the curtain. And what's more seemingly unpolished than a previous version of yourself that you recently rethought or outgrew? I watched a video about cringe attacks a while and the conclusion in that video was along the lines of how we cringe at our past selves because it's an uncomfortable piece of evidence of self growth. I don't think cringing is necessarily something that needs to be overcome so long as it's not causing too many issues. It's just like any other emotion that comes and goes and as long as it doesn't linger and cause problems, it's good. Sometimes you can just feel it and move on because like any other unpleasant feeling, it can be very revealing and very healthy when it comes to self reflection. 

1 hour ago, Myioko said:

It must be pretty strange for you to stop identifying as it/being uncertain about it? For me I feel pretty certain in being asexual, but at the same time, it's kind of a placeholder name too since sexuality can always shift over time.

 Yeah, it's been pretty weird. I confidently identified as asexual for 7 years so doubting something that I was so sure of has been interesting to say the least. I guess any label you assign to your sexuality or sexual orientation can be a placeholder because sexuality is fluid. At the same time, I think it's still important to honor whatever you identify as and accept it as a part of your experience and as it is real even if it was just for a moment. Like I don't think that me identifying as asexual was fake or any less real back then compared whatever I'm figuring out now. 

1 hour ago, Myioko said:

And then there's figuring out romantic attraction, that's a whole different thing. If I ever decided if I wanted to get into a relationship I would feel pretty overwhelmed due to being behind on the learning curve. 

Yeah navigating romantic attraction in a world that meshes romantic and sexual attraction together can be challenging because it's not the perspective or experience that is often talked about and represented. I have had to figure out how to navigate dating as someone who was heteroromantic, but not exactly straight and yeah it wasn't super clean cut. 

1 hour ago, Myioko said:

Have you had any luck with online dating? Or are you more interesting in making in person relationships/friendships overtime and seeing where that leads? I wonder if online dating is as awful and unromantic as some people make it out to be. Surely it isn't completely devoid of compatible genuine people out there, but it does sound tough and a bit draining. 

Mostly no, I haven't had much luck with online dating. A lot of it imo has to do with how the whole experience is structed rather than individual people. I'm more interesting in doing things in person because it feels more natural. I did write a post about how online dating for me felt really forced when it came to the romantic, emotionally intimate, trust building side of things. I also think that technology to a certain extent can bring out our inner sociopath because everything is behind a screen and doesn't feel real and as a result it's super easy to brush someone off and swipe left even though in person you'd probably at least would try to have a simple conversation with them. With tinder specifically, I think by design it is very surface level because most of it is based off of looks (though I think things have gotten a little better with them including hobbies/ interests in the form of little, very visible hashtags, but it's still not much better).

 

[soos_mite_ah]

@RendHeaven Lol he was fine. He wasn't sexually or romantically romantically attracted to me. It was just no strings attached affection. No hearts were broken and no balls were turned blue. 

[RendHeaven]

@soos_mite_ah You'd be surprised.

I had a handful of attractive female friends in highschool who I never made a move on.

Cuddled some of them, in fact. "No strings attached affection" as we'd say. One girl had her face very very close to my crotch while we were watching a movie with a group of friends. The social chameleon side of me says "~~Just platonic friends!!~~" but sometimes I still think about the feelings I had that day.

Who am I kidding, the next day I was punching the air because in truth I wanted her sexually (at least in that moment) and I was lying to both myself & everyone else about that.

I've never actually told anybody this btw. So if you were to ask her for her side of the story, she would say:

32 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Lol he was fine. He wasn't sexually or romantically romantically attracted to me. It was just no strings attached affection. No hearts were broken and no balls were turned blue. 

---

I'm not suggesting that she owed me anything btw. I'm just sharing how easily young boys hide their true thoughts.

Edited July 17, 2021 by RendHeaven

[Etherial Cat]

4 hours ago, Myioko said:

I second Etherial Cat, the thought of 'what your writing is cringe' has never come across my mind. The way you write comes across to me as you being very socially aware and not awkward. But at the same, I can really relate to the feeling of embarrassment and cringe while posting here. I feel it ALL the time, haha, and end up hiding most of my posts. I'm still figuring out how to overcome embarrassment myself. 

 

Maybe there is also an element of shame due to the fact that by writing we are disclosing a part of ourself. And of course, very often we perceive ourself as unacceptable to be seen. We keep on protecting a thick private sphere and we have fear of intimacy because we are afraid of rejection in daily life. And getting tagged as "unlovable".

Our authenticity has always been repressed in order to fit within a mold. Being authentic and drifting from the mold feels therefore feels bad to us.

3 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I read this book about awkwardness a few months back that had an interesting perspective on awkwardness. Basically, often times, awkwardness occurs when you present an unpolished version of yourself that contradicts your perception of yourself or other people's perception on you. It's like they get a peek behind the curtain. And what's more seemingly unpolished than a previous version of yourself that you recently rethought or outgrew? I watched a video about cringe attacks a while and the conclusion in that video was along the lines of how we cringe at our past selves because it's an uncomfortable piece of evidence of self growth. I don't think cringing is necessarily something that needs to be overcome so long as it's not causing too many issues. It's just like any other emotion that comes and goes and as long as it doesn't linger and cause problems, it's good. Sometimes you can just feel it and move on because like any other unpleasant feeling, it can be very revealing and very healthy when it comes to self reflection. 

That is very interesting. Thanks for the info. It's great food for contemplation and I can relate to it.

I had noticed that it was a question of self-image and contradiction between the idea you've got of yourself and the new elements you see. Perhaps a lot of the horror we feel is the gap between what we think we are and what we appear factually to be. The ignorance and lack of awareness tells us how "wrong" we are even in our knowledge of our egoic self. We see how limited our self-image is, really. From inside, the ego has the feeling to be always right. Its perceptions and narratives are truth to it.

I think feeling cringe also comes more often to those who have a negative self-image by default. Often these people have lacked validation and a secure attachment from their caretakers. Or they grew up in an environment where they have been told a lot that what they were doing is not correct. It makes one particularly anxious about how one appear. And they constantly look back at how they are doing. And you've got a phenomenon of a by default negative self-image, judging itself from an external vantage point. The negative self-image becomes then judge and the party.

Edited July 17, 2021 by Etherial Cat

[soos_mite_ah]

11 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

I'm not suggesting that she owed me anything btw. I'm just sharing how easily young boys hide their true thoughts.

You're fine. It's natural and it happens. imo as long as people read the room and don't get triggered when the other person says no, it isn't entitlement. 

11 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

Cuddled some of them, in fact. "No strings attached affection" as we'd say. One girl had her face very very close to my crotch while we were watching a movie with a group of friends. The social chameleon side of me says "~~Just platonic friends!!~~" but sometimes I still think about the feelings I had that day.

I mean, intrusive thoughts can come up. Maybe I'm projecting my situation, but did you have any feelings for this girl sexual or romantic outside of that interaction? 

But in my situation, I'm pretty sure he had no feelings for me whatsoever. I knew his friends and my friends never picked up on anything from either of our ends and everyone knew the status of the situation except acquaintances I didn't interact with much. On top of that, I knew exactly who he was into, who he was stuck on because he caught feelings he couldn't get rid of, and what kind of girls he was attracted to and never did I get the suspicion that I fell in any of those categories. And honestly, i didn't care because I wasn't into him in that way either. 

I remember one time he was dating one of my friends and I didn't know because they were still in the early stages of the relationship and didn't really tell anyone. I was still cuddling with this guy and when I found out. I got irritated because that is important information and I don't want to be THAT person but he was basically "I didn't think it was important to say anything because one there is nothing going on between us and two she and I wanted to keep things low key for the first month or so." I confronted my friend  just to make sure and told her that I didn't know about them two and that even though there was nothing going on between me and this guy that I don't mind keeping distance just to show respect for the relationship. Because she was my friend, she knew that there was nothing going on between me and him and she was like, "no, you're fine. it doesn't bother me at all.* 

But if there was ever a chance he felt some type of way towards me, it would make sense why he never said or do anything because I was openly asexual at the time.  

Edited July 17, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Upsetero Heteros: Are the Straights Ok? 

I find it interesting that when I first thought I was asexual, that was easier to accept than the possibility that I may be straight now. I found this video recently about heterofatalism and I thought it was really interesting. 

In the first section from 1:49 to 16:35 the video talks about what straight culture even is and what do LGBTQ people mean when they make fun of straight culture. I really liked this quote about straight culture: 

Quote

11:30- Let's look at straight culture as being a performance of straightness. A culture that finds comfort in binaries and condemns those who don't fit into those binaries.

I think the reason why a lot of LGBTQ people make fun of straight people isn't about making fun of being attracted to the opposite sex as it's more so about the rigid gender roles, how it boxes people in, and how awkward that can be because it feels so forced but then those people go on to complain about gayness being unnatural. Like the same people that have their kids wear shit like this: 

are the same people who believe that gay people are pushing an agenda towards children simply by existing without having the self awareness to see how what they're doing is pushing an agenda of how boys and girls inherently behave in different ways.  Personally, when it comes to things like dating and relationship advice, my general rule of thumb is that if the piece of advice can be applicable to both men and women, it's generally good advice, but if the advice has undertones of *men are from mars, women are from venus* it's usually cringe at best (like how you can't approach a guy if you're a woman and you can't double text or else he'll think you're too easy) or straight up dangerous at worse (hypergamy, red pill, black pill). Also, if a dating advice person has an attitude that the opposite sex is like from a different planet because men and women are inherently different on a psychological level, that usually tells me that this person views people through the lens of overly simplified binaries to group people rather than as complex and holistic human.  

Also another thing that weirds me out is the whole notion that men and women can't be friends. I've heard both men and women say this and it always felt weird because I have plenty of experiences with guys who I was just friends with and nothing happened at all. It's the same with how some women see guys who have female friends as red flags. In my opinion, if anything is a red flag it's men with no female friends at all. Here's my reasoning. A man who doesn't have female friends or relationships with women that are strictly platonic, he is not friends to women. They might be friendly, but there is an agenda involved. If a man can't be friends with a woman without an agenda or without feeling like that he has to be attracted to her in order to talk to her period, he doesn't view women as human beings to connect to rather he sees them simply as a vehicle of pleasure. And don't get me wrong, this isn't about being friends with someone and developing feelings. That's natural, it happens. What I'm talking about is not seeing a woman as playing any role in your life other than like family, or being a love interest. The whole thing also reeks of the madonna whore complex which I can do another post on. Men who do have female tend to also be comfortable with both their masculinity and femininity and they also tend to be much more informed and therefore able to empathize with women. Additionally, for the women who are like *my man isn't allowed to have female friends,* my question is, what are you afraid of? Do you really have that many trust issues with your man to where you don't have faith that he will stay faithful or do you secretly have a hunch that your boyfriend is one of those guys who mainly view women through the lens of what can he get out of it sexually or romantically. 

Men who are only friends with other men and don't try to be friends with and get to know a woman outside of a sexual or romantic relationship gives me the same energy of white people only having white friends despite living in a diverse area and only having that one token POC friend. 

Annnyyywaaaay tangent aside, back to the video>>>>>>>>>>

After discussing what straight culture is the video then goes on to discuss what heterofatalism is. It's basically the dissatisfaction, regret, embarrassment, or hopelessness about the straight experience. While both topics are covered in this section, when the section first began, I thought of two things. One is women complaining about being attracted to men because they are a pain in the ass to deal with and as a result wishing they were gay. And two, the statistic that is along the lines of how single and child free women tend to be happier, healthier, and live longer than women who get married and have kids. The same isn't true for men and the findings are along the lines of men who are married and have kids tend to be happier and live longer than their unmarried counterparts. 

Ok soo... there's a lot of dissect here. 

I'll start with complaining about being attracted to men because they're a pain the ass and how some women joke about how they wish they were only attracted to women. I don't think it comes from a place of putting being a lesbian on a pedestal and assuming that lesbian women have it better.  By listening to my females friends who date women, women are also a pain in the ass. And if you're bisexual, you get screwed over by everyone. Even then, men are a specific type of pain in the ass and a lot of it has to do with misogyny as well as how men are socialized and expected to act a certain way in order to be considered "man enough."  And sometimes, you're just done with dealing with this type of bs. 

Then there is the statistic that I mentioned before. A lot of the reason why married women are more likely to be unhappily married is because they are more likely to be stressed and overworked. It's like working a double shift. You come home from work and instead of relaxing like your husband, you're the one who is expected to do all of the domestic work and raise the kids, leaving you little to no time for yourself. The video did touch on how even though people think that marriage is more equal, men of this generation is still just as unlikely to help out at home with domestic duties as their fathers and grandfathers. And in some ways, I do think that it was better in the 1950s because you didn't have to do this whole double shift thing and you were a stay at home mom/wife. But I don't think we should go back to the 1950s for obvious reasons. I think on top of dealing with the gender roles that are applied to men, we need to address capitalism because the whole 40 hour work week was designed with the assumption that the man is the primary bread earner and he has a wife that does all of the domestic work while he's away. But when you have both people working, it can be very overwhelming and feel like you don't have time to do the things you need to get done so that you can finally do the things you want to do but that's a whole nother topic.   

[soos_mite_ah]

Currently I'm in the mood for someone to touch my face. Three things come to mind. 

• Someone squishing my face playfully because I have round chubby cheeks
• a guy getting really close to my face and holding my face while looking into my eyes
• me sitting down somewhere with a man standing in front of me holding my chin up so I look/face up to him

[soos_mite_ah]

13 hours ago, Lucas-fgm said:

Probably they hadn't the balls to express their real intentions. Or you are a not very attractive woman.

Or maybe they didn't have those intentions and I simply wasn't their type. It goes both ways. I know plenty of guys who I think are attractive but personally I'm not into them that way for whatever reason or because they aren't my type.  Friend zoning (I hate that term btw) doesn't always come down to attractiveness. A lot of it is just compatibility and chemistry. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Upsetero Heteros: Wine Moms 

Currently I have a part time job at a store that sells home decor. And in that store, I encounter a lot of decorative pieces and signs that play into the wine mom trope. It's usually cliche sayings like "it's wine o'clock" or "all you need is wine." As a result I started thinking about this trope. Why is drinking a ton of wine related to the female experience, particularly when it comes to motherhood. And to a certain extent, why is alcoholism normalized as a coping mechanism for moms and played out as a running joke.  I found this article really insightful and though I think people need to read the whole thing, I decided to highlight and quote parts of it that I found particularly insightful. 

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/05/wine-moms-explained/612001/ 

Quote

On the pages of both @mommywinetime and @wine.mom.repeat, the content is only marginally about wine—it’s mostly about the overwhelming demands of trying to feed kids, clothe kids, bathe kids, and answer each of their 10 million daily questions (as well as the relentless pursuit of just five minutes of alone time). Even where wine is invoked, it is as shorthand for relaxation time, for well-deserved breaks after long, hectic days of mothering. That wine plays such a small, surface-level role in some wine-mom humor accounts’ content is perhaps telling: The drinking isn’t the point, necessarily; it’s an excuse to find escape (whether through a glass of wine or not) and connection.

 

Quote

Certainly, anyone drinking to self-medicate or developing an alcohol addiction is a cause for concern. But the concern over mothers drinking has historically been especially fraught. Throughout modern history, it’s been “more culturally problematic for women to be drunk than men, because it’s a violation of all sorts of notions of femininity,” Jacobson said. On top of that, mothering is known universally to be a hugely important job, one that doesn’t end every day at 5 p.m. or offer any time off. “Moms are never off the clock,”

 

Quote

Perhaps the most urgent problem wine-mom jokes reveal, however, is that modern parenting has become a more all-consuming, and isolating, job than it used to be. Jacobson noted that wine-mom memes could be understood as a tacit rejection of the recently idealized notion of momhood, the “supermom who can do it all”—but perhaps the existence of that standard in the first place is what makes mothering more stressful. Supermoms are traditionally understood to be both successful career women and successful hostesses and homemakers.

 

Quote

In the long term, “maybe what wine moms—and moms of other social classes, and non-drinking moms—need isn’t a supersized glass of alcohol, but social support,” Jacobson said. “In the form of affordable child care, paid-family-leave wages, equitable wages, and, of course, an equitable division of labor at home.” Reforms such as these are, of course, not as easily accessible as, say, a chilled rosé, nor do they lend themselves to rallying cries quite as catchy as “Less whine, more wine.”

The reason why I decided to include this in my little section about heterofatalism is because I think it continues on with the whole "why women are more likely to be unhappily married and stressed" thing. I think that the last quote I copied and pasted summarizes the whole situation the best.  

I also think that wine mom jokes are the millennial equivalent of the boomer "I hate my wife" jokes. Both of them have to do with a sense of heterofatalism and how it comes from dealing with misogyny. I don't have to elaborate on the "I hate my wife" jokes but when it comes to wine moms, again a lot of it comes down to inadequate social support. Naturally, it comes down to, where tf is the husband in all of this? Like I mentioned in the previous post, men are still unlikely to help out with household chores and child care to a certain extent. Those usually fall under gendered expectations for the woman. In my opinion, I do think we have come a long way since the 50's when it comes to gender roles. Women are allowed to embrace their masculinity and are allowed to have independence from the home and support themselves. But there is an entire other half that is ignored when it comes to breaking down gender roles and that is the acceptance of femininity in general, but especially when it comes to men. There is such a stigma when it comes to femininity and how it's seen as weak and shameful and how integrating that aspect of oneself is taking away from one's masculinity. And that leads to all type of issues not only in marriages, but in all stages of a relationship from attraction, to dating, and to being in a relationship period. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Upsetero Hetero: My Experience 

I mentioned in a previous post, the possibility of me being asexual was easier for me to accept than the possibility of me being straight despite the fact that asexual people are marginalized and have to deal with all types of crap. When I realized that I might be asexual, I was like *Oh, I'm asexual. Interesting. That makes sense.* When I started thinking I was straight I was like *eww, I'm straight. Fuck. I'm more confused now.* And I don't think it has to do with the fact that I'm going to have to deal with straight men. Even when I considered myself asexual, I was still romantically attracted to men and wanted a relationship. Considering the fact that there aren't that many asexual men, at least asexual men that I met, I basically settled on the idea that I'm probably going to date and marry a straight man (more on that later). 

I think part of the reason why I was like *eww, I'm straight* had to do with me making fun of straight culture like I talked about in the first Upsetero Hetero post. Straight people aren't the problem. It's the people who cling onto their straightness and cling to the  concept of boundaries and how all of that can manifest in cringey, tone deaf ways. And the fact that my sexual orientation is associated with the aggressively straight, stage orange people is just eww. 

I think the other part of the reason why I was like *eww, I'm straight* is because I feel like my needs and wants in a relationship mirrors that of the stereotypical straight woman. I know this is internalized misogyny and my inner NLOG (not like other girls)  coming out and even though I feel like I have dealt with most of my hang ups regarding femininity and my NLOG  tendencies a couple years back, it's been interesting watching that come up again. 

For me, the stereotypical straight women shit that I find myself relating to is the amount I care about emotional intimacy in a relationship whether that is sexual or romantic. Also there is the typical wanting flowers and chocolate, wanting men to express their emotions thing, and wanting slow and gentle sex. And I want to underscore that there is nothing wrong with any of those things. But there is a part of me that feels overly sentimental for wanting those things and I think part of it has to do with hook up culture, how violent porn is becoming more mainstream, and how just in general women are painted as too demanding and too emotional. Each of those things can have it's own post.

(side note: I swear the more I write in this journal, the more I realize how much I have to say on this topic.  There was a part of me that thought this journal was just going to be me horny posting but I guess not lol)

I think when I was asexual, those desires I listed above could have been interpreted in a different way. It was more along the lines of *this person puts a lot of emphasis on emotional connection and romantic attraction because they don't feel sexual attraction.* But now that I'm straight, those desires take on the interpretation of *she's a stereotypical woman wanting stereotypical cliché woman things.* That interpretation has me feeling more boxed in. Also I want to note that a lot of women who go through the NLOG phase often say that they are "not like other girls" because they simply don't want to be seen as the stereotype of woman and girlhood. They don't want to be seen as the caricature of pink, makeup, boobs, and cattiness that society tends to portray women as even thought that isn't the case and women are just as complex and nuanced as men are.  And while most people can agree that NLOGs are insufferable and are basically the female equivalent of the Nice Guy, I think a lot of women can still empathize with NLOGs

Edited July 18, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Future Posts Brainstorm: 

1 hour ago, soos_mite_ah said:

(side note: I swear the more I write in this journal, the more I realize how much I have to say on this topic.  There was a part of me that thought this journal was just going to be me horny posting but I guess not lol)

As I have been writing these posts, I have been thinking about how I could write another post going in-depth of a tangent that I caught myself drifting off to.  Even throughout my day I have been getting ideas for more and more topics I could talk about. I thought I'd list some of that out just kind of as a sticky note to myself but also a preview of what's to come 

Also, if anyone else has any more ideas about what else I could write and reflect about, as usual, feel free to offer input. 

• My Relationship with Porn 
• The Ways I Connected to My Sexuality as a Virgin Asexual
• Using Your Love Language for Self-Care
• The Diversity of Asexuality
• Nudism
• Being Sexual vs Being Sexualized 
• Racial Fetishization: How Attraction Doesn't Exist in a Vacuum
• Exhibitionism 
• My Thoughts on Monogamy 
• Purity Culture 
• Thoughts on NoFap 
• Vanilla Shaming and the Normalization of Rough Sex 
• Kink Shaming
• My Fears Around Pregnancy 
• K Dramas and the Female Gaze 
• Does Sex Actually Sell? 
• Asexual Stereotypes 
• Sexuality vs Sexual Orientation 
• Infantilizing Lack of Experience 
• Hands and the Female Gaze: Why So Many Women are Into Hands 
• Somethings I Want for My First Time 
• Sex Addition and Hyper Sexuality 
• Things and People I'm Attracted To
• Friend Zoning 
• FOMO and Being a Virgin Later Than Most of Your Peers 
• Foreplay and Aftercare 
• The Online BDSM Test 
• The Link Between Homophobia and Sexism: Why I Don't Trust Homophobic Men 
• Art Work That I Really Like 
• Fellas, Is It Gay to Want a Relationship? 
• Hook Up Culture: How Progressive Is it Really 
• Sexual Empowerment Through the Spiral Dynamics Stages
• Sugar Baby Culture 
• My Thoughts on No Strings Attached Sex

Edited July 18, 2021 by soos_mite_ah