The Female Gaze

[soos_mite_ah]

On 7/29/2021 at 1:37 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Just a Tiny Rant 

I don't know why but the phrases "stimulate her emotions" or "spike her emotions" feels really weird and off to me. I see it be thrown around in the dating section. LIKE SIR do you just mean connect with her as a person, have a baseline of chemistry, and have a personality? That feels like the bare minimum.

And if the chemistry or connection isn't there or yall's personality doesn't mesh for what ever reason, that isn't anyone's fault. It's just incompatibility tbh. No one is doing anything wrong (unless it's the case where someone feels emotionally uncomfortable to where they feel unsafe in a way, that's different). Happens on the platonic, romantic, and sexual level all the time. Nothing personal.  

Also, if I remember correctly, someone did talk about how looking at relationships solely through the lens of survival rather than love, intimacy, and connection can be detrimental and can cause misanthropic / misogynistic tendencies on this forum. That really resonated with me. I get that technically everything is survival and that isn't a bad thing but sometimes I feel that when people use the term survival, they use it as a short hand to lump everything together as "petty human shit." And because everything is lumped together, there isn't much nuance and there is a tendency for false equivalency where people lump together emotional intimacy and wanting big titties into the same blob of category that is survival. There is this trivialization that is in play. The way it's used is that it down plays the very human need for emotional connection and sees it as this "feminine thing" while justifying objectivation by not going into how harmful it is at the same time. I don't know if I'm articulating this well.

Idk, I have a hard time believing that it's a masculine/man thing to not care about emotional connection and intimacy and that men and women are at odds at this. That attitude also reeks of the "boys will be boys", "men are from Mars, women are from Venus", "men and women are fundamentally different" vibes. I get that emotional connection is seen as feminine because of the way vulnerability is stigmatized for men, but it just feels wrong to gender a human need. (I know that masculinity and femininity are gender neutral but they do have heavy connotations with each gender). 

Ok I was rereading some older posts on this journal and it finally hit me as to why this bothers me. Before I get into that, I think I want to add another detail that gets under my skin and that is on how there cannot be a bond unless there is sex. I've seen Leo say this a handful of times on this forum and it also rubs me the wrong way. Part of it is because so much of my life experiences contradict this notion and because it puts sex at a pedestal and a gateway to human connection rather than just letting things develop naturally. 

But anyways the reason why the above gets under my skin is because it puts a formula to human interaction. It's similar to how a bunch of "nice guys" think that if they perform niceness and push the right buttons, they would achieve the connection they desire. It's the same shit but in different fonts.  

[soos_mite_ah]

Had these two videos on my watch later list for a minute and given what I wrote about a few days ago, I find the videos to be relevant. 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

5 hours ago, lxlichael said:

The same idea of "sex being necessary for a bond" is almost the same argument as to why long distance relationships inevitably fail, the amount of distraction outside of the relationship isn't superseded by the devotion and capacity to seek an inner return on investment from that devotion. So if you both find yourself capable of mentalizing to a significant degree for a significant period of time and its say an online relationship, I'd advise you to do something analogous to marrying them.

I mean I think there are other factors involved in how long distance relationships don't usually work out but even though there is the physical connection thing, it's not necessarily a sex thing. Like I know personally, I can't build a relationship, whether it be romantic or platonic, through online means in the early stages. There is something about technology that brings out my inner sociopath because of the way the medium lacks in the connectivity element which I'm thinking about journaling later. 

Also with the whole "there is no bond without sex" thing is that it dismisses the connection and bond you make with a person prior to having sex. For me, the other thing that gets under my skin when it comes to this attitude is how it frames sex as an obligation or expectation rather than something both parties do when they feel ready and it feels natural. It's basically an ultimatum. You can still have a healthy, fulfilling, and deep relationship with someone even if you don't do much physically. 

[soos_mite_ah]

On 8/3/2021 at 3:56 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Future Posts Brainstorm: 

As I have been writing these posts, I have been thinking about how I could write another post going in-depth of a tangent that I caught myself drifting off to.  Even throughout my day I have been getting ideas for more and more topics I could talk about. I thought I'd list some of that out just kind of as a sticky note to myself but also a preview of what's to come 

Also, if anyone else has any more ideas about what else I could write and reflect about, as usual, feel free to offer input. 

• My Relationship with Porn  crossing this out because it's the next post I want to make
• The Diversity of Asexuality
• Being Sexual vs Being Sexualized 
• Racial Fetishization: How Attraction Doesn't Exist in a Vacuum
• Purity Culture 
• Thoughts on NoFap 
• Vanilla Shaming and the Normalization of Rough Sex 
• Asexual Stereotypes 
• Sexuality vs Sexual Orientation 
• Infantilizing Lack of Experience 
• Things and People I'm Attracted To still have more things I want to add on to this but I'm crossing it out because I touched on it
• The Online BDSM Test 
• Sexual Empowerment Through the Spiral Dynamics Stages
• Nudism
• The Ways I Connected to My Sexuality as a Virgin Asexual
• Using Your Love Language for Self-Care
• Exhibitionism 
• My Thoughts on Monogamy 
• Kink Shaming
• My Fears Around Pregnancy 
• K Dramas and the Female Gaze 
• Does Sex Actually Sell? 
• Hands and the Female Gaze: Why So Many Women are Into Hands 
• Somethings I Want for My First Time 
• Sex Addiction and Hyper Sexuality 
• Friend Zoning 
• FOMO and Being a Virgin Later Than Most of Your Peers I was just about to write about this now and then I realized that I already wrote about this in my main journal before making this journal so the next post is on this. 
• Foreplay and Aftercare 
• The Link Between Homophobia and Sexism: Why I Don't Trust Homophobic Men 
• Art Work That I Really Like 
• Fellas, Is It Gay to Want a Relationship? 
• Hook Up Culture: How Progressive Is it Really 
• Sugar Baby Culture 
• My Thoughts on No Strings Attached Sex

Looks like I still have a lot to write about. I also get additional ideas every now and then which I feel like exploring which is why I haven't gotten to all of the items on this list. Some additional things that have come to me include: 

• Pole Dancing 
• The Sex Work Industry and the Ethics of Using Your Body for Profit 
• Unrealistic expectations and colorism 
• Encountering Asexual Flirts 
• Am I Actually Horny or Am I Deprived of Human Connection? 
• Different Layers to My Sexuality and Vulnerability 
• Music I've Really Been Enjoying (I feel like this goes along with "Art Work That I Really Enjoy", but I wanted another post lol) 
• Dealing with my Limiting Beliefs and Feelings of Undesirability: Where I am Now in That Journey 
• Reflecting on My Writing Thus Far: Findings from Writing in This Journal

Also, if there is anything else that yall want me to write, explore, or think about, feel free to comment. Definitely if you notice any blind spots, let me know but do so within reason (note, I don't speak for all women even though some may resonate with my writing so what I like isn't some type of across the board statement).  

 

[soos_mite_ah]

FOMO and Being a Virgin Later Than Most of Your Peers 

I think I read somewhere that the average age of losing your virginity is 17 years old in the U.S. Well... that puts me above average lol. Tbh, it doesn't really feel that way irl because a lot of my friend group is either made of awkward gay people who were questioning at that age, people more focused on other areas of their lives to where sex and dating took a back seat, or people who are homebodies. I don't really feel bad about my lack of experience but every now and then I do encounter people who are dicks about it and I do sometimes go into a self loathing spiral when I'm on the internet too much. Speaking of self loathing and the internet, another reason why I try to avoid the dating section of this forum is because it makes me feel bad about my lack of experience. Sure it isn't like people attack you or make fun of you for that but there is a lot of insecure energy with the guys who make a big deal of it for themselves and start spewing incel attitudes. Even though it is their own self loathing and they're simply expressing THEIR problems, when you're around that energy enough times, it sometimes rubs off on you. And that's what I noticed started happening to me. It's similar to how hanging out with a group of people who constantly pick their bodies apart and who are constantly dieting might effect your own self image even if you didn't have body image issues prior to meeting them. 

Like I said on the previous post, I have journaled about a topic similar to this in the past in my main journal. Here is that post:

On 4/5/2021 at 4:23 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Shame Around  Being a Virgin

I was lucky enough to go to a nerdy and progressive school all throughout high school when I identified as asexual. I faced some of the uncomfortable things that asexuals deal with like having people I don't really know too well ask me really personal questions about my sexuality and dealing with how sex obsessed our culture is. A lot of asexuals feel this sense of unrelatability with straight people but also the LGBTQ community. You see sexualized ads, sex on tv etc. and none of it really makes sense to you. The whole concept of how sex sells doesn't resonate (I also found research that debunks that myth but that's another topic). As an asexual, watching everyone being obsessed with sex is like having the Super Bowl happen but you aren't a football fan, except in this case, everyday is Super Bowl Sunday. 

As an asexual, I didn't see the big deal around sex. I didn't get why people would get worked up about being a virgin as if it was something shameful, as if you were undesirable if you haven't had sex, or worse how some people think you are impure if you are not a virgin. Like...just let people live whether it was a product of their choices or simply a product of timing. There is so much shame and judgement that can be wrapped up in conversations like these. Sex isn't a big deal and that doesn't mean that if sex is special to you or you don't want to sleep around you're making a big deal out of it. It's to say that whether you want to save yourself for marriage, have an orgy, don't  care about sex, have sex be an important part of a relationship or whatever tf, it's relative to the person and doesn't say much about them. Just don't judge other people on their choices so long as no one is having their boundaries being crossed. 

But once I got to college, the feelings of unrelatability heightened. My college has a huge hook up culture and I felt excluded by that. It's like everyone is talking about sex, what they like, what they want to experience, stories about their experiences etc. There is nothing wrong with that. I'm interested in the topic of sexuality and I'm pretty comfortable around it. But a lot of those conversations feel one sided because there is only so much I have to say on the topic. A lot of times I'm sitting there like *oh that's nice glad you had fun... can't relate lol.* And this bred a sense of FOMO, like I wasn't living my best life or that I'm immature and inexperienced. It also doesn't help when guys find out I'm a virgin and say things like "oh you're so boring you need to live a little." I have things that I enjoy doing and that bring me fulfillment. If anything I think it's kind of sad that you define how exciting you are or your life is based on what you do with your genitals. That's how I normally think of situations like this but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't get to me. 

I recognized that part of the reason why I wanted to go out and have sex despite being asexual and not being attracted to anyone is so that I can relate to my peers and not feel like a weirdo who is late to the party. I rationalized my status of being  virgin of hey I'm asexual, I don't really want to have sex if I'm being honest. And the people who know I'm asexual would get it and won't think much of it. My asexuality gave me a sense of protection from peer pressure

But now I'm starting to identify as straight, which means I have to deal with the pressure of being a straight woman. I don't have the label of being asexual protecting me any more. I'm 21 year old who is a virgin, who hasn't kissed anyone, and who hasn't been in a relationship. A lot of it mainly has to do with me not liking anyone tbh. But as time goes on, I start feeling more weird and more isolated.  Like when I was 16, a lot of this was normal, but at 21 it becomes less so. Sex starts feeling like more of an expectation. 

Something that I encounter a lot when I tell people that I'm a virgin, that I haven't kissed anyone, or that I haven't been in a relationship is people being really surprised. They're like "oh but you're so smart, and beautiful, and charming, how could someone like you be single for so long?" I hate this so much because there are plenty of men and women with limited dating experience who are perfectly fine as people. It's this assumption that if you aren't in a relationship or you aren't getting action, you are undesirable or that something is wrong with you. That can be incredibly toxic for a lot of people and can create a sense of insecurity or desperation or worse in extreme cases yield to incel ideology. Also just an fyi to any other  virgins reading this, there is nothing wrong with you and you don't have virgin written across your forehead. No one knows or cares tbh unless you make a big deal out of it and get insecure. 

There are also 4 basic reactions that I get when I tell people that I want to wait to have sex. I have a variety of secular reasons for not wanting to jump into bed with someone which I'm going to make a post about a little later. 

1. Positive constructive: This guy respects my boundaries and sees me being a virgin as something neutral. He isn't shaming me or fetishizing me.
2. Positive nonconstructive: This guy fetishizes my virginity and likes to have control over inexperienced women. He also slut shames other women with experience or feels intimidated by them. He may or may not be religious. Either way, he is creepy and cringey. 
3. Negative constructive: This guy respects my boundaries but sex and having an experienced partner is important to him for healthy reasons whether its because he is afraid of a power imbalance with being much more experienced compared to me, he wants to explore his sexuality with someone with more experience, or that sex is really important to him in a relationship. He and I are coming from different places and he respects that difference as well as his own desires/needs so he politely rejects me because we are looking for different things. He is pretty nonjudgmental. 
4. Negative nonconstructive: Sex is really important to this guy. There is nothing wrong with that but the problem comes when he doesn't respect my boundaries and is judgmental. He might shame me for being a virgin by calling me religious, prude, boring etc. He might pressure me or try to change my mind to sleep with him by pulling cheap tricks. Or he will be offended and tell me that I'm an ugly whore anyway. Basically he will exhibit a lot of creepy and cringey behavior. 

The constructive responses, whether they be positive or negative, don't really bother me. The nonconstructive responses make me uncomfortable, positive or negative. 

There is a HUGE part of me that really wants to explore my sexuality especially as a newly realized straight woman (that phrase feels really weird tbh). I want to explore sex as a form of both physical and emotional intimacy. But I'm frustrated because I can't find someone that I like. I've had opportunities to lose my virginity, have my first kiss, and get into a relationship in the past but I said no because I wasn't into the guy. Also being locked in the house because of the pandemic doesn't help. The pandemic along with getting older has caused me to feel impatient with all of this. Also, I think my desire to explore does breed a sense of jealousy. I see other people talking about their experiences and I get this uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. It isn't disapproval because I see nothing wrong with what the are doing, but I think it has to do with me wanting to experience those things for myself. Finally, I hate to admit it but part of me wants to experience these things to know that I'm capable of experiencing these things. I see myself as desirable and beautiful inside and out but sometimes I feel that other people don't see me in that light. Men either friendzone me or they want to smash, there is no in between. I wish there was someone out there who saw me in a romantic light so there is both the physical and emotional forms of desirability.

 Along with the shame, there is also the envy (which also comes with a very brief amount of anger and some sadness/self loathing) that I expressed in previous posts. There is an element of repression that comes from not being able to act on my feelings because I don't like anyone and because I don't have that many opportunities to meet people during the pandemic (environmental / circumstance issues).  There is also the infantilization aspect to this. I wrote another post on that earlier in this journal: 

There is a part of me that gets affected by the infantilization aspect of this especially. It makes me feel like my lack of experience is some symptom of not having enough life experience and being emotionally stunted. I know both of those are not true but still, I doubt myself sometimes. I guess it's because part of my self esteem and life satisfaction if you will is tied to how much I'm growing as a person to actualize the best version of myself and live my best life. Which then circles back to the FOMO. 

So basically you have the following emotions circling around and intersecting with one another:

• FOMO (Fear of Missing Out)
• Sometimes feeling shame (or being shamed) for your decisions 
• Feeling Envious (which also comes with a few seconds of anger along with some sadness/self loathing) 
• Feeling Infantilized --> Feeling like you're emotionally stunted/ not growing up ---> Feeling like you're not living your best life
• Feeling Repressed 

And I think so far I have done a good job at dissecting and dismantling each of these factors that goes into this. This doesn't mean I'm never going to feel these emotions again again but being aware and focusing on each of these aspects I believe can help deal with a lot of limiting beliefs I have had consciously or subconsciously. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Kink Shaming 

The basic overall definition of kink shaming is that it's when people shame a person for what they like in bed or the label a person as evil/bad because of their preferences. It usually goes along with a sense of embarrassment of demonization. 

I also think that the topic of kink shaming is also important to take into consideration when talking about sex and just discussing why we like what we like. I think that the classic form of kink shaming through analysis involves people psychoanalyzing others and coming to the conclusion that what the other person likes in bed has to do with a mental illness or some type of trauma. There is a shame that then gets associated with the kink in question and it almost undermines the kink because it writes the person off as crazy.

That said, I still think it can be beneficial to reflect on what and why you like certain things. And from my experience, there are somethings that I like sexually that has some link to a form of trauma. And that's fine but that's something that I need to come to a conclusion myself rather than have someone come to that conclusion for me because there is only so much other people know about me and only so much they can draw on. Consequently, a lot of their discernments can come across in a judgmental way in the sense that they are jumping into conclusions and generalizations without really getting to know the situation and get a feel for it through direct experience. Basically what I'm trying to say is that It's fine to analyze yourself but analyzing others is when lines can get crossed. 

Which then brings me to what I began thinking of when I finished the last few posts I made on how attraction, standards of attraction, and just what people are drawn to sexually doesn't exist in a vacuum. I think there is  a difference between personally judging someone for their preferences versus judging different social constructs and how it affects the collective. I believe that the later comes more so from a place of discernment because you are looking at attraction from a systemic view where you are analyzing things like political and socioeconomic factors. And also, what you find attractive as far as looks goes isn't really a kink so that and how people are treated because of their looks is fair game for critique imo (for example, liking red heads isn't a kink/fetish though some people treat it as such). It also goes without saying that fetishizing someone's appearance vs just simply thinking they're attractive are two very different things. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Also, regarding the last post, if anyone gets any kink shaming undertones in my posts, please bring it to my attention. This is something that I'm trying to be mindful of in order to work towards my path to sex positivity. And I know I definitely have my blind spots because I'm still trying to figure this out. 

[soos_mite_ah]

My Fears Around Pregnancy

Was meaning to write this since I first started this journal but I think now is the perfect time to write this. Why? Because Texas just put a 6 week ban on abortion where you can't get an abortion 6 weeks after conception. It honestly doesn't make sense because it takes like 4 weeks or hell sometimes longer to know if you missed a period or if you might be pregnant so it's safe to say that this is a back door ban. These men who are making these laws don't know how a woman's body works nor do they care even if they did know. 

Ugggghhhh...

I can't say that I'm shocked or angry (I mean the law was passed this May and it has only come to affect now). It's Texas. This is just where we're at as far as politics and consciousness goes. But I will say that as far as my life goes, it takes my anxieties around sex and heightens them. One of my main fears regarding sex is the possibility of becoming pregnant. Even if I didn't identify as asexual in the past, because of my parents, I didn't have access to birth control so that influenced my decisions. Even now with birth control, I'm still hesitant to do anything and I prefer to be on the side of caution because of all the things that pregnancy comes with. Also, there is still COVID going around soo there is that. 

First of all, just the idea of something growing inside of me and then having all types of side effects for 9 months straight only to be bust open from the inside out seems like some sci fi shit to me. The whole process just seems traumatic. That's not even getting into how your life gets affected logistically during and after this whole thing. I don't think I could deal with the mental and physical anxiety that comes with all of this. It's just a lot. It's also really frustrating for a bunch of men to treat this as some type of minor inconvenience because they have a lack of empathy on this topic due to it not affecting them directly. 

 My mom and I occasionally get to the topic of why I'm really hesitant to have kids and she keeps trying to bring up the amazing aspects of being a mother and how every woman should go through pregnancy etc. and when all of that fails, she resorts to trying to reassure me by telling me how the women in my family typically have really easy pregnancies. WELLL.... I'm not buying that shit. I've seen and heard waaaaayy too many pregnancy horror stories from other women and from sources online to have a few statements change my mind. 

Also, you could literally die in the process and in the U.S. we have some of the worst infant mortality rates and it's even worse for women of color because no one takes our pain seriously (like it's a whole thing systemically in the medical field where some doctors believe that people of color don't feel as much pain). 

And as horny as I am, the thought of getting pregnant or having a pregnancy scare freaks me tf out to where all of the abstinence preaching shit that I dealt with growing up actually starts working on me. As much as I don't like abstinence preaching because of the way it shoves religion down your throat, adds a bunch of moralizations to sex, and doesn't do much on educating about sex and how to do it safely, I do agree with the whole notion that abstinence is a 100% guarantee of not getting pregnant and how other methods of birth control can fail. And as someone who scared to death of getting pregnant, that 100% guarantee does feel like a nice cozy safety blanket to my anxiety ridden self. 

This isn't to say that I'm not even willing to engage in safe sex. I'm not that paranoid. But I know that the chance of something going wrong is there and having a safety net whether it be the Plan B pill or abortion, even if I never use it, does give me a sense of peace of mind. But these politicians are trying to ban both because religion so there's that. 

In conclusion.... I hate it here. And the last thing I want in my life is to have a chapter that resembles this movie: 

[soos_mite_ah]

Exhibitionism 

If I were to sum up my sexuality in one statement I would say this. I get turned on by knowing that I turn other people on. This was true when I identified as asexual and it's still true now. I would say since now and then, a lot of the fantasizes I had stayed the same but they are simply framed in a different way now if that makes sense. 

One of the big things that I think relates to the above statement is exhibitionism. There is something about being exposed and seen in a desirable way that feels very vulnerable yet very freeing. I think my sense of exhibitionism isn't solely sexual and that there is something about it that spills over to other areas of my life in the way I socialize and in the way that I even write. I'm comfortable with revealing myself physically and emotionally if I know I have the space to do so. The last part is incredibly important. I need to feel safe and I need to feel like other people are comfortable. For instance when it comes to opening up, I'm pretty comfortable with writing things out in my journal because I have the safety of anonymity and it's only people who are comfortable with my content are going to be the ones tuning in regularly. When it comes to opening up in my real life, while I might come off as someone who is private and closed off, if I get the impression or permission from someone who tells me "hey you can talk I don't mind," I have no issues acting on that. I just want to make sure the other person is ready and that they are comfortable with me talking about more personal, emotionally intense topics so they don't feel overwhelmed or feel like they are being emotionally dumped on. And finally, when it comes to therapy, I have no issues being open about why I'm here from the start even if the therapist is a stranger because in my mind, this person is here to do their job and it's their job to emotionally hold that space for me. Like I'm here to get shit done. I'm not here to meander around a topic I'm not even comfortable with opening up about. 

On top of that, I think my exhibitionist tendencies sometimes bleeds into my core values as well for authenticity. A part of authenticity is also transparency imo emotionally within your personal boundaries. I believe that there is a great deal of authenticity that comes with being vulnerable emotionally and in really owning your personal truth.  

With the tangent of my emotional life aside, I think a lot of the things I fantasize about is wrapped around this sense of exhibitionism Some themes and emotions that I noticed coming up in each of these fantasizes involving exhibitionism include: 

• Feeling vulnerable and exposed but also accepted in that state 
• Putting on a show/ performance 
• A feeling of abundance, specifically sexual abundance
• Feeling desired in a very vulnerable way 
• Knowing you turn other people on 
• A sense of submission 
• Knowing that you're building anticipation and that you're teasing the people around you which leads to a more playful element as well 
• Feeling of being seen and acknowledged. 
• The peace of mind of the whole thing being safe and consensual

I'm not sure whether or not I want to reveal what exactly those fantasies are yet since this does feel rather touchy to where I have been putting off writing this post and posting it on here. Still feeling out my comfort level with this whole thing. Even though I am generally comfortable with talking about this whole topic (hence the journal having 117 posts with many of them being rather long and detailed), I do sometimes feel a sense of discomfort when I'm straight up horny posting on here. I'm still trying to figure out my comfort level and boundaries on what I want to keep private and what I want to discuss openly when talking about my desires. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Mutual Attraction: Sounds Fake But Okay? 

Honestly, it's really difficult for me to have any form of mutual attraction with someone. I think a lot of it has to do with my dating experiences so far. It's either I liked someone but they never had an ounce of feelings for me back or someone liked me and I made myself go on dates with them thinking I would end up liking them, but then I realize that the whole thing feels really forced. I don't think the problem for me is that I think that I'm unlikeable or that no one is going to see me in a desirable light and that I'm going to end up like the forever alone meme. My problem is that I can't imagine guys who I find attractive also finding me attractive. 

Part of me wishes that I liked people and had fleeting crushes more often. Because think of it this way, if you like 20 people in the span of 5 years, odds are at least one of them is probably going to like you back at least a little. That's like a 5% success rate. Doesn't seem too high or unreasonable of a success rate. However, lets say in a span of 5 years, you only like 2 people. Now if you want someone to like you back, you're basically asking for a 50% success rate which is pretty high. There is a good chance that neither of them are going to like you. The odds aren't exactly in your favor. And unfortunately, the later situation is my situation. 

I have tried to put aside first impressions and go on dates with guys who seem like decent people but I don't yet feel attracted to them. I figured that I shouldn't go with my gut reactions as far as romantic and physical attraction goes (that doesn't mean I ignore my gut reactions when red flags are concerned) and instead I should give people a chance before jumping to conclusions. And as result I began dating guys that clearly liked me but I had no feelings for. I tried to get myself to like them but again, the whole thing felt forced. Not only did it feel forced, but it felt really icky from my view for both sides. From his end, it's kind of messed up that a girl who isn't fully into him is just going on dates with him to pass the time. He deserves to be with someone who is genuinely into him in the same way he is into her. From my end, it's messed up that I'm settling for a guy who if I'm going to be honest, don't really like, and leading him on. It's a lose lose situation and when I realized that, I decided to be upfront with the guy and I told him that I don't think it's going to work out. 

And I don't think going out of your way to "get someone to like you" is the answer either. Because if you feel the need to change yourself or hide parts of yourself to get someone to like you, it's because they never liked you in the first place. And why would you bend over backwards and play all of these games for someone who doesn't value you in that way? It doesn't seem like a dignified or confident move and instead reeks of people pleasing. 

This is going to sound so fucking cliche and I'm rolling my eyes as I'm writing this but... I honestly think that the best strategy is to be more self aware and work through your limiting beliefs, find a crowd of people you actually resonate when you're being your authentic self (whether that means going to places with people of similar interests or whatever), keep working on other areas of your life instead of ruminating on your insecurities, and not lose faith or internalize your past experiences.  There really isn't a short cut to authentic connection to people. No amount of cold approaches, altering your mannerisms or way of presenting, no amount of quick fixes is going to help. I think I always got most of that. I spend a lot of time working on myself and focussing on other areas of my life. But sometimes it does get difficult to not internalize things especially when you're in an environment that doesn't socially resonate with you. I had to redefine what it means to be socially competent and look at the factors at play when it  comes to clicking with someone. I really just feel like if I'm going to have luck making friends or dating in a way that doesn't feel forced and in a way where I feel like I can really be myself, I need to get myself to a place where I find more like minded people (and more specifically places where there are more like minded guys).

 Although I did say that it's messed up for me to settle for a guy who I'm not even into and even though consciously I believe that I do deserve to date guys who I'm into, subconsciously, I think my brain says otherwise. Like every time I see a guy who I actually find attractive nowadays, there is a part of my  lizard brain that kicks in and is like "lets be real he probably won't want to have anything to do with you. At best he doesn't think you exist or notice you at all and at worst he thinks you're fucking ugly." That lizard brain genuinely thinks that I'm inherently undesirable and that I don't deserve to have nice experiences. And a couple times I have tried to ask this lizard brain as to why it thinks that way and what exactly about me is undesirable and the lizard brain is just sitting there like  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Tbh, I think a lot of this knee jerk reaction has to do with past experiences mixed with societal conditioning which I have journaled about a lot in previous posts.   

I'm probably going to do another post on the lizard brain because this is getting long. 

Edited September 5, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Mutual Attraction: My Self Sabotaging Lizard Brain and Dealing with Asexual Flirts 

God was everything so much easier when I was asexual. 

I still had issues with mutual attraction even when I identified as asexual. But it mainly came down to me not having many options that I liked because i didn't feel like I really clicked with people or had things in common with the people I dated.

This is my first time getting on this college campus as a straight person. And it's the first time I have had to deal with my lizard brain being like this. I walk to class and I typically pass like 2-3 guys I think are cute every day. When I was asexual, I just acknowledged that they were attractive and didn't feel anything. I definitely could see it but I didn't care. Now, there is that feeling that comes with it and it isn't mainly cognitive. It feels like a lizard brain knee jerk reaction towards attraction and that knee jerk reaction is also followed by the limiting belief that's like  "lets be real he probably won't want to have anything to do with you. At best he doesn't think you exist or notice you at all and at worst he thinks you're fucking ugly."

And when I first noticed this knee jerk reaction, my conscious mind was sitting there like "damn bitch tf is wrong with you?!?!?" I had to do a double take on myself because wtf was that. 

I feel like when it comes to being asexual, it was actually easier to flirt with people and not give a shit on whether or not other people were attracted to you because first of all, you don't really know what physical attraction feels like and even though you know it's a thing, part of it still feels fake to you. And as a result you don't take it too seriously when someone isn't attracted to you because you're probably not attracted to them. And secondly, you have less attachment to outcome (unless you were romantically attracted to someone, then it's a different story, but then again that doesn't happen often so you don't have to really worry about it). Not only did I go through a flirt with everything that moves stage, but the two other asexual people I know are also giant flirts. Because they're asexual (and one of them is also aromantic), they don't really have stakes in the situation and as a result it's easy for them to flirt without ulterior motives, completely detached from outcome, and put the focus on the other person because this whole thing isn't really about them. It's very much rooted in empathy and just wanting to make the other person happy without expecting anything back. And honestly, when you take that route, things just work out better imo. I definitely felt the same way when I was going through that stage. 

But now being straight, I feel like I have more skin in the game and my lizard brain is more prominent. Like, this shit uncovered a insecurity that I didn't even know I had. Again, when I heard my lizard brain come up with that knee jerk reaction of judgement and self deprecation, I was honestly shocked and it felt like it came out of nowhere. Obviously things like this don't come up unprompted and I know plenty of places where this mentality comes from, both blatantly and subtly. Basically through these posts, I'm trying to knock some sense into myself and deconstruct these limiting beliefs as well as keeping myself accountable in the process. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Dealing with my Limiting Beliefs and Feelings of Undesirability: Where Am I Now in That Journey 

Over all judging by my writing thus far, I think a lot of my limiting beliefs come from the following factors: 

1. There is the racism both on a personal and collective scale that tries to paint this illusion of one objective standard of beauty related to whiteness and the proximity of whiteness. There is this notion of ugliness and fetishization that are both at play as well as the concepts of both hypermasculinization as well as hyperfeminization. It's often confusing to navigate these contradictions and as a result, it takes a while to unpack them. 

2. Being sexualized because of my race and body structure to where I feel the need to focus on self protection over self expression. It paints this notion that my sexuality isn't my own or something for me to define for myself rather, it is something that is slapped onto me without my consent by other people who want to jump to conclusions because of their limiting beliefs. Objectification and lack of respect comes into the picture as well. Sexualizing someone is at odds with someone being sexual on their own terms. 

3. General body image issues usually related to fatphobia. 

4. Environmental and circumstantial reasons such as:

• going to a small school with few options
• going to a college with a lot of white supremacy
• being locked up in the house and not interacting with guys your age because of the pandemic
• living with strict parents
• dealing with mental and physical health issues while trying to fix your GPA and figure your life out

These are all reasons why I didn't get many opportunities to put myself out there and have a lot of positive experiences to outweigh the negative. And sometimes, I tend to internalize issues that are out of my control and blame myself by telling myself that I must be single because I'm undesirable. It actually more so has to do with my life style and not interacting with many guys. 

6. Feeling you aren't worthy of a relationship because you still have a lot of growing up to do and because you're terrified of making shitty decisions that will make you more traumatized than you already are.  Also, something that is somewhat related is the notion of deprioritizing intimacy and not seeing this as a place to develop personally. 

7. Sometimes feeling like an awkward virgin who doesn't know what they are doing or talking about. It's dealing with things like infantilization, assumptions, and societal expectations of what it means to be a virgin for so long. It's the collective shame around lack of experience. 

I think throughout these posts that I'm doing a good job on recognizing what's going on and being conscious about my issues on both a personal and systemic level. It's also incredibly helpful to dissect these things as a way of being mindful of what's happening and why you feel the way you do. I think that I'm at a point where I'm good at consciously dealing with these things but given my last post, I think there is some work that needs to be done on a subconscious level. Not sure how I'm going to do that yet but that's just where I'm at. 

Emotions that I find myself dealing with: 

• FOMO (Fear of Missing Out)
• Feeling Envious (which also comes with a few seconds of anger along with some sadness/self loathing) 
• Feeling Infantilized --> Feeling like you're emotionally stunted/ not growing up ---> Feeling like you're not living your best life--> more FOMO
• Feeling Repressed 
• Self Deprecation 

I think since starting this journal, I was able to vent out a lot of my emotions and find a degree of peace with them. I still feel these things and I find myself needing to have boundaries with myself so I don't start spiraling. I'd say out of these, I stopped feeling infantilized and majority of the FOMO through my journaling efforts which I think is a huge win. While I don't feel less envy compared to when I started journaling, I can say that I have a better understanding of envy and as a result came up with strategies as to how to deal with it in a healthy way. I feel less repressed from writing all of this out but I still feel like there is plenty more repression that I need to let go of. Some of it can be done by continuing to write in this journal but also, some of it just has to be let out through direct experience.  Finally, when it comes to self deprecation, like I said before I'm better at being conscious of it. And as a result, a lot of it felt as if it melted away after I let it out of my system, acknowledged it, and critically looked at the validity of it. However, it still affects me subconsciously which I'm working on.  

[soos_mite_ah]

Music I'm Really Enjoying // Layers to My Sexuality and Vulnerability// My Relationship to Dominance, Submission, Fear and Relaxation in a Sexual Setting

I thought this post was going to be only about music but then my thoughts and reflections went in a bunch of other different directions. Enjoy lol. 

I mentioned in a previous post on how I enjoy music from languages that I don't speak and how it compels me to be more in touch with my body. The same goes for instrumentals. As far as music goes in general I find myself gravitating towards instrumentals so there's that. 

I came across Podval Capella's music through YouTube recommendations. And his music instantly resonated with me. I normally don't do this for any artist (even ones I really like), but I found myself basically listening to one entire album in one sitting. Most of the songs feel ominous and a little unnerving. And for some reason, it also feels very primal in a way. I can't quite pin it down. I found this interesting because as far as music that makes me feel into my body and that I find sexy, I tend to gravitate towards things that are calming so I can relax into my body. But this is the opposite. It's ever so slightly anxiety inducing to where it feels exciting. But because of how deep and slow the music is, it isn't this manic form of excitement. It's more of a very controlled form of excitement that paces itself so you can really take the time to enjoy it. 

Also, as far as embracing the different sides of my sexuality, spring, summer, fall, and winter, I feel like Podval Capella's music really appeals to the fall side of me. And now that I think about it, of all the seasons, I find it most difficult to find music that resonates with fall. If yall have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm basically referring to this set of posts that I made. I'm only linking the first one because I don't want to have like 5 links but basically you look at the first post and the next corresponding posts as well. 

Whales and Cocaine are my favorite songs and slowed version of Harlem is right up there. I actually found Harlem first and that opened me up to the rest of his music. 

I also started thinking about the role of fear in arousal, more specifically my arousal. I remember learning in my psychology class in college on how the labels of our emotions are attributed based on both context and physiological experience. We got to the topic of how fear and sexual arousal physiologically feel similar from the heavy breathing to the elevated heart rate. And I think that basically because of the physiological similarities but the contextual differences, some people conflate fear and arousal together more than others.  I have talked before in this journal on how my anxiety and learning to relax into the experience are common themes.  

There is that vulnerability in fear and in sharing fear is to share vulnerability which then opens the door to connection and intimacy. I think there is a lot of trust that goes into allowing/consenting someone to strike fear into you sexually because you know deep down that they respect you and they won't actually hurt you.  And of course there is the physiological aspect on how fear impacts your body and how it relates to arousal. Referring to the post I mentioned just above, I think that a little bit of nervousness and unpredictability can tap into this sense of alertness that can make you more sensitive to whatever you're experiencing. And in the appropriate setting, it can feel overwhelming in a really pleasurable way. 

I also started thinking about my relationship to the concept of dominance, which then gets into the conversation of the layers to my sexuality and vulnerability. I'd say that there are 3 layers. The first is the layer that most people see when they first meet me which is someone who is very assertive, analytical, and put together. This layer can come off as intimidating and a little closed off. The second layer is this really soft and vulnerable side to me. It's emotional, it wants connection, and almost has this doe eyed quality to it. The third layer integrates both the first and second layer in that it finds strength in vulnerability but it isn't super soft like the second layer nor is it closed off like the first layer. It's also the reason why the first layer isn't necessarily a mask because the first layer is still some type of reflection to the third layer. 

The first layer I would say is mainly not sexual at all. It's just the way I'm with acquaintances and people I'm getting to know. The second is the way I am around people I'm really comfortable with opening up to. And I think in a romantic or sexual setting, the second layer does translate into a more submissive, traditionally feminine archetype. Finally, the third layer is what I'm like with people who I'm comfortable with opening up to and who have known be for some time. They know the soft parts of me but they know that this softness is not weakness at it's core and that if anything there is a great amount of strength and resilience in surrender. Sexually and romantically, I think that it takes a lot of trust for me to submit to someone but I think it takes me even more trust and time and feelings of comfort to feel like I can be vulnerable enough to be the pursuer and to be the more dominant one. 

And with this music, I'm getting this darker energy coming through. I find myself thinking of either submitting to the unknown or becoming the dominant agent of the unknown. Either I'm the anxious and excited receiver of dominance or I'm the dominant one that expresses excitement in a very controlled methodical way. 

[soos_mite_ah]

More Music I Like 

After writing the previous post, I remembered a couple other songs that have a similar vibe. 

Sevdaliza 

I found her music years ago (2017) when she barely had anything out except for a few music videos. I discovered her from this video and I really liked her voice and her sense of style so I decided to check her work out. I love how one of the first comments on this video is "she showed up with skechers and assless chaps and killed the game" because she really did that lmao. 

I would say that Blucid is one of my favorite music videos as it relates to the contents of this journal. No joke, I'm so aesthetically attracted to this woman and the dynamic in this video. She is so graceful and powerful at the same time. And I love the height difference because it makes the whole dynamic more intense. And then there is her voice, her style, just everything asdfjkhi;jerccl. She has a very strong pressence and her energy demands to take up space and as a result the whole thing feels so expansive. I'm just really hear for it. 

I would say Sirens of the Caspian my favorite song by her. Marilyn Monroe is also up there. Though it's been a minute since I have checked out her content. I think I need to explore her newer stuff. 

As far as aesthetics go, I really like the aesthetics for  her video  Marilyn Monroe and That Other Girl. 

Human freaks me out but in a good way 

 

 

And finally, another thing that I thought about after writing the previous post was this song from the movie Nerve: 

I can imagine the scene that was taking place while the music is playing and that heightens my anxiety even more. But honestly, I loved the music, how fitting it was, and just in general I thought it was cool. 

Here is the movie scene. I honestly don't know why my anxiety ridden friend group thought it was a good idea to watch this movie when it came out in 2016 because the entire time we were really uncomfortable but at the same time entertained to where we couldn't look away. I swear, we were all bordering on panic attacks during this movie lol. Spoiler alert, at least no one dies a horrible death in the movie though there are a lot of close calls. 

Even though I know how this ends, this scene still freaks me out when I watch it lmao. 

Edited September 6, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

I feel like I've really been spamming this journal lately. It's just that I have this list of all of the things I want to talk about and get out of my system and I feel like I haven't been producing what I set out to produce early on this journal because I keep getting side tracked by other things that come to my mind right at the moment. I made a list of 43 topics and I think I only talked about 22 of them and then some given whatever ends up coming up. I feel rather manic tbh. Even though I don't want to take a break from writing in this journal, I think I need to step back a little bit and slow tf down.  

[soos_mite_ah]

Mundane Things that I Think About 

There is also a bunch of little mundane things I think about throughout the day that I find rather romantic and comforting. Some of those things include being hugged from behind while cooking or doing the dishes, having him  get something high up on the counter without having me climb up there and get it myself since I'm too short to just get it, have him run his fingers through my hair or brush my hair, cuddling or napping on the couch together, getting ready for the day together etc. 

This whole movie is a master piece and I have watched it so many times. And even though I've watched it many times, this scene always has me either tearing up or crying like the first time I watched it as a kid. 

[soos_mite_ah]

A Nice Voice

On 7/28/2021 at 2:45 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Physical Things I Find Attractive 

Sensual Attraction: 

A Nice Voice 

This hits all of the types of attraction for me whether it is sexual, sensual, or aesthetic. But I really like guys who have a nice voice. What consists of a nice voice is really flexible.  I can do a whole separate post on this one.

I would say that this is that separate post but it isn't. I wish I could go more in depth but I can't. I feel like for me when it comes to identifying a nice voice, there isn't any one type of voice that comes to mind for me. Of all of the voices I have found beautiful, none of them have anything in common. For me, a nice voice is just a nice voice. I know it when I hear it. 

And speaking of knowing it when I hear it, I'm just absolutely captivated by this song and this guy's voice: 

The whole thing is so soothing for me emotionally. Honestly, I'm not really even paying attention to the lyrics, I'm just focusing on the way it feels. It feels very calming but also really upbeat and positive, like I've just been wrapped up in a fuzzy blanket, I'm given my favorite snack, and I'm just allowed to be. Straight up, I listen to this song whenever I catch my anxiety acting up or whenever I catch myself about to go on a negative spiral and his voice helps so much. This might be a little weird but his singing voice is my comfort voice lol. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Nudism 

The first time I stumbled upon nudism in general was when I was 16 or 17. I randomly just thought one summer *what would it be like to just sleep naked?* I tried it and I really liked it from purely a comfort perspective. To me, sleeping naked it just relaxing, it keeps you cooler during the summer, it's nonrestrictive, and you just get a feel for your blanket and sheets more. A few awkward google searches later and I found out some of the benefits with just being naked in general and I thought I'd give it a shot just to try it out when I was home alone. Thankfully I don't have any siblings so I pretty much had the place to myself. 

The first couple times, it felt really awkward but then I kind of got used to it. And I even noticed some of the benefits in my personal experience which is basically what I'm going to talk about in this post. 

It made me more aware of my sensual experiences in the sense that I was more aware of the temperature and the textures of things that I otherwise would over look because I had a layer of clothing on. I did go skinny dipping a few times at home in the pool at my backyard and honestly, it felt so nice. At this point, I can't swim with a swimsuit the same ever again in the sense that I'm aware on how much having a swim suit stuck to your body takes away from the whole experience. 

It helped my body image. A lot of people when they talk about having a good body image, they talk about seeing your body in a positive light. While that is important, I also think it's important to see your body in a neutral light, to love your body not because it's considered beautiful but because it simply is. Granted that my body image is far from perfect, I would still say that this was still a huge step in the right direction. At some point, you stop picking apart your body and look at the mirror and be like *hey it is what it is.* I think when it comes to clothes, it's so easy to try to focus on how flattering something is and what areas of your body is more enhanced and what is less. But when you're naked, there is none of that. You just have to accept that it just is. And eventually, you start liking what just is and you don't have to wear clothes that fit you in a certain way in order to see your body as beautiful. You just start appreciate it more in its natural setting. 

It helped me desexualize my body. Nudity is automatically associated with sexuality because most of the time other than maybe when we are changing or getting into the shower, we only see other naked bodies or our naked bodies during sex. But when you hang out naked for a few times, you start to realize that nudity isn't inherent to sexuality. Especially when you start doing unsexy things naked like doing homework, chores, or eating cheetos while watching netflix, you just accept that your naked body isn't inherently sexual. And studies have been done to back this up. For instance, when you go to a nude beach, for the first few minutes, you mind is going insane because it's over stimulated and it's highly likely that you're also aroused. But after those few minutes, your brain just gets used to it and it's basically not much different than being at a regular beach. A lot of what we consider "inherently sexual" is a part of culture. Even dicks, vaginas, boobs, and ass, aren't inherently sexual. I think boobs are a great example for this because many cultures around the world, especially precolonization, didn't sexualize boobs. They were simply a body part used to feed children. There are African tribes where it's normal to be topless and the men there don't walk around with constant boners. The only thing that is inherently sexual is watching two people have sex or do sexual acts because it activates the part of your brain that learns through observation. That's it. 

And this was incredibly important for me at that age because when I was 16/17, while I didn't hate my body, the only time I saw my body as desirable was when it was framed under a sexualized light. A lot of it had to do with my relationship to porn around that time. I wrote more about that in a previous post: 

 

Therefore desexualizing my body and seeing in a desirable but neutral and nonsexual way was incredibly important in me being more comfortable in myself. It also helped me deal with a lot of slut shaming that I dealt with at the time because of my looks. Any shame regarding my body that I internalized because of those experiences melted away. I'm basically at this point where I'm really comfortable with being naked just given that there are no men around. 

Apparently it's also really healthy for your privates. I don't have much experience with that in the sense where nothing really changed but I kept seeing sources on how even sleeping naked can help you have better blood flow and airing things out can prevent infection. Don't have experience in that but I wouldn't be surprised if this was the case. All I know is that airing things out and air drying when you get out of the shower feels nice. 

 

As far as exhibitionism is concerned, I do think there is some overlap between I guess my nudism practices when I'm alone and my exhibitionism kink. The only overlap I can think of situationally is just sleeping/cuddling naked with your partner without sex (because that extra skin-to-skin contact is always nice) or just hanging around naked as a surprise when they get home. In addition to that, there just simply being comfortable with being naked. But other than that, no not really. I think for my exhibitionism to come out, there needs to be more of a sexual context because in my mind just hanging around naked isn't inherently sexual. Even with the example of surprising them example, there is a context and that context is the element of unexpectedness.

Also, I think another good example of how context is important in differentiating nudism with exhibitionism is going to a nude beach. Since nudity isn't inherently sexual and since people go to nude beaches just to hang out and sometimes they even bring their kids with them, it would be really weird and creepy to do anything sexual in a nude beach or to interpret the setting as such. From like an exhibitionist perspective, I honestly think it would be more exciting to wear a small swim suit in a regular beach where people would see that as a little out there and kind of sexy than to be completely naked at a nude beach if that makes sense. 

[soos_mite_ah]

The Ways I Connected to My Sexuality as a Virgin Asexual

Even before I started questioning my sexuality, during my 7 years of identifying as asexual, I still managed to connect with my sexuality. Granted, there are different kinds of asexual people and there are many ways of experiencing this so by no means can I speak for all ace people. This is just my experiences from when I identified as a sex favorable asexual. And I'm sure that regardless of how you might identify, you can probably still get something out of this. 

1. Develop a good relationship with your body: While this list in no particular order, this in my opinion is absolutely crucial. Probably the most important item on here. I would say that this is also pretty broad and is one of those things that takes a while to chip away at. Some things include dealing with your body image issues and start seeing yourself as beautiful and desirable, feeling comfortable naked even if it's just by yourself, dealing with your relationship with food, and not seeing your body as dirty, sinful, or ugly. This also means taking ownership of your body and defining what you like and what your boundaries are. One of the big things for me was figuring out how to see myself in a sexual light without sexualizing myself. 

I think this can overall help with creating confidence and feeling relaxed in a sexual setting whether it be by yourself or with a partner. Personally, in order to do this, I did a lot of things from therapy, journaling, wearing clothes that make me feel happy, sleeping and roaming around my space naked, talking things out with people, affirmations, as well as just taking care of myself in general by eating intuitively, exercising, and taking long baths and showers. 

2. Masturbating regularly: This helped me get rid of any shame I had regarding sex pretty early on and it helped me figure out what I like on a more technical level. And also, dealing with shame in one area of life can also cause confidence to bleed into other areas of your life which is really nice imo. Masturbating regularly also helped me figure out what my general drive was, the intensity at which I liked things, find out where in my body I'm the most sensitive, as well as relax into my body and overall get comfortable with everything. 

3. Paying attention to the dynamics you're into: When it comes to figuring out what I liked, when I identified as asexual, by definition physical attraction was off the table. As someone who was still horny anyways despite not finding other people attractive, I found myself paying attention to the dynamics and the emotions that were at play when it came to arousal instead. I think taking away physical attraction away for a moment helped in the sense that it was like being blind in the way that blindness makes your other 5 senses sharper as a way to compensate. And now, even though I don't identify as asexual anymore, I still find that the capacity for insight that I built up over those years  has been immensely helpful. This and masturbating regularly can help you figure out your boundaries as well. 

4. Set the mood: Personally I like scented candles, perfume, nice lingerie (even though I'm too broke to get any), decent lighting, a clean room, and decent bedding. I know some people also like incorporating music but personally I don't do that. I also try to take my time and ease into it by doing my whole night routine and maybe giving myself a massage if I feel like it.  

5. Do things that make you feel more connected to your body: This can be anything from masturbating to also letting yourself dance around alone freely, working out, giving yourself a massage or just sleeping naked. It can also mean controlling your breathing and making noises if you feel like it. Personally I do all of those things except working out really regularly. I know I'm repeating myself here because I feel like this point ties in with #1 and #4. But yeah, I feel like doing things to make you feel more connected with your body helps with being more grounded with sex in general as well as take more of the sensations in. 

6. Get rid of shame: I'm talking about sexual shame but I'm also talking about shame in other areas of life. I feel like building a sense of confidence in general also bleeds into building confidence sexually. I find that getting rid of shame in general can really help with having a stronger relationship with yourself and with other people and as a result build more self trust and make you feel comfortable with vulnerability. Therapy, journaling, and talking to other people is incredibly helpful. 

7. Connect with both your masculinity and femininity: Both compliment each other and both brings each other out. Even if you only focus on one polarity, given that you aren't suppressing the other and you're doing it in a healthy way, you're still strengthening both. I find that working towards being more integrated as well as find what your own signature style and level of each polarity is can also make you more comfortable and open towards trying new things because more integration usually results in less shame and intimidation towards things you haven't tried before. That can also open the door towards more creativity. 

8. Porn: Honestly, I'd be more careful with this one but I think in moderation is fine. Personally, this helped me get ideas and kind of figure out what's out there so that I have inspiration to say the least. And it doesn't have to be videos. It can even be reading or listening to something. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Neck and Shoulders 

Personally, I'm really into any amount of stimulation in the neck/shoulder region. That area is just really sensitive for me. Like a guy who I'm interested in can whisper in my ears and I would immediately get goose bumps. Just the feeling of someone being that close to you in an area that you're sensitive at and having their breath fall softly is enough to override whether or not what he said was in reality stupid. 

Neck kisses, sucking on someone's neck, leaving marks etc. goes without mentioning. It's too obvious. 

Massages are also really nice. I'm pretty sure I mentioned before on how whenever I wake up with back or shoulder pain, it just naturally leads to horniness because of how I begin imagining being massaged and then having that escalate. I do enjoy the idea of being massaged but also giving a massage to someone I'm interested in. When it comes to the whole thing with the 5 love languages, I very much express my feelings through acts of service. And giving a massage, having someone relax into the experience, and taking away that tenseness and stress from someone is an idea that is appealing to me. 

When it comes to clothing, I actually feel the sexiest wearing something that is off the shoulder. I always feel kind of silly for admitting this because of the way that the U.S. school system moralizes against bare shoulders and claim that it will distract the boys when in reality guys don't care about shoulders. Honestly, I don't find other people's shoulders to be attractive, just mine. For me, there is something that is vulnerable and freeing about just having one of the most sensitive parts of your body just out in the open for easy access lol. There is a sensuality to it as well. Personally, I like tracing my fingers around the upper part of my chest/ collarbone area and sometimes give myself a quick neck massage for a few seconds. Also, another reason why I like it is because of how subtle it is. No one notices and it almost feels sneaky and exposed at the same time. It's the feeling of hiding in plain sight. I also feel like things like off the shoulder neck lines or anything that exposes the collar bone, shoulders, and a little bit of the top of the chest (not so much to where you get cleavage), has a graceful look to it as well idk why. And best of all, from a practical non sexy point of view, I have an excuse to not wear a bra which I'm always excited about because bras are uncomfortable and annoying. So then you get that added level of comfort physically which for me makes me feel more relaxed and as a result more confident. 

I have also talked about the whole necklace and Adam's apple thing in a previous post:

On 7/28/2021 at 2:45 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Physical Things I Find Attractive 

Sexual Attraction: 

Necklaces 

This definitely falls under sexual attraction for me. It doesn't have to be a lot of necklaces (I feel like it can be over done), but I think just a couple is enough for me. I like it because I feel like it draws attention towards a man's chest. [EDIT: To add to this as far as necks are concerned, whenever I see necklaces on a guy I like, I start thinking of either playing with the necklaces or gently biting and tugging them]

Adams Apples 

I think this is because my own neck and shoulders are really sensitive and because this is a sign of masculinity. I feel like this is a little weird but it is what it is lol. 

And I think something that is also important to the neck thing with guys is that even though I am into it, it's not like I sexualize it. Like I'm not here internally losing my mind whenever a guy has his neck exposed lol. I think whether something is sexual or whether something is sexualized is greatly dependent on context and the situation you're in. It isn't so much about the body part itself rather it's what you can do in the appropriate context. I'm planning on doing a whole post as to why a lot of women find hands attractive and how that is related to the female gaze and how it's a good example of seeing something as sexual but not necessarily sexualized but I don't want to get side tracked so enjoy the preview with the neck example. 

But anyways, carrying on. I also find ties attractive. Romantically, I can just think of scenarios of playfully pulling someone closer to me using their tie. I also think it's really cute and romantic to fix someone's tie in the morning as yall are getting ready. I think it plays into the whole thing with acts of service being my main love languages. And also, just looking up into someone's eyes while doing it is also really cute. This is one of those mundane things that I like lol. Sexually, sometimes I get an intrusive thought from my reptile brain that is along the lines of *aww how cute, he comes with his own leash* to which my conscious mind responds with *BITCH WHAT!?!?!??!*

 

I think similar to the whole shoulder thing, there is that subtlety that's there because I'm pretty sure most people don't subconsciously associate ties with leashes lol. 

I also like someone grabbing my neck and pressing on it a little. Not so much to where they are choking me but to the point where there is some type of stimulation.

Just people touching my neck and shoulders in general is a turn on and it takes a certain degree of trust for me to let people do that to me. Because I'm really sensitive there (not even sexually, just in general), I have a reflex whenever someone tries to touch me there even if it isn't anything sexual. One time I had someone jokingly try to poke my neck and I almost smacked her. I remember another time, this is actually a really weird occurrence but when I was 7 or 8, I had a really bad sore throat and I had this doctor grab my neck to see if anything hurt. I remember making a face and trying to repress my initial reaction to smack him. I gave a weird look to both of my parents which basically said *wtf is happening* because even the sensation felt really weird especially since I don't know this person and I can't really talk because of my sore throat. The doctor saw me making this face and started laughing and said something along the lines of "oh, she's not liking this at all. Dad, be careful when she becomes a teenager and starts getting into boys and they start getting handsy."  And even at that age, even though I didn't understand everything, I had this gut reaction of "dude wtf?!?!?!" Now that I'm older, I just sometimes catch myself thinking about that situation and how fucking weird it was. Like.... I was literally in elementary school tf!?!?!??! Why would you say that about a literal child IN FRONT OF HER PARENTS AND JOKE ABOUT IT!!!! LIKE HUH?!?!?!? That's just so sus in so many level omfg. And the worst part about this is that neither of my parents stood up and just awkwardly laughed with this guy. 

But yeah.... in conclusion, I like things that have to do with necks but if someone I don't know too well or I'm not comfortable around tries get too ahead and starts messing with my neck, this person will probably get smacked or punched in the face.