The Female Gaze

[Myioko]

I just wanna say I've been loving reading your journal!  Like for real, it's so informative to read, it's introduced me to a lot of new concepts and thoughts that I had never thought of before or considered. 

1 hour ago, soos_mite_ah said:

My roommate caught me in the act once and naturally was like *what the actual fuck.*

lmaoo  There's always those types of situations where your like, 'uh let me explain!! It's not weird I promise!' or just bad timing. 

 

That picture does look oddly satisfying/sensual.. ?? A few things just pop up into my mind. Such as: Getting a hot stone back massage, that game kids and I used to play where you'd say this rhyme thing along with movement, I looked up the words and it went like this: (isn't this a pretty common childrens game? Have you heard of it? Everyone I knew did it but it sounds weird written down.)

Crack an egg on your head let the yolk drip down
Let the yolk drip down, let the yolk drip down
Squeeze an orange on your shoulders let the juice drip down etc.
Stab a knife in your back let the blood run down, etc.
Tight squeeze, cool breeze, now you've got the chillls!

So basically it gave you the feeling of sensations, such as an egg running down your back while the friend behind you running their fingers down your back. That's what came to mind when I saw the picture. 

I also remember there was a kid when I was in elementary school who would sometimes pour liquid glue, or even milk if I remember right, on his hands until there was a thin layer of it, and let it dry and peel it off for fun. Everyone thought it was pretty weird/gross but at the same time it just made sense and wasn't too questioned, I guess peeling things off is universally understood as satisfying. Anyway.

I had the habit last year of dipping pencil ends into melted wax because the texture is really nice and it's all glowy and pretty, but stopped because sometimes I'd accidentally stick my mouth at the wax-dipped pencil later on, and candle wax tastes disgusting. I've never thought about dripping candle wax onto me before, I think if I did, I imagine the most suitable place in doing it would be an outdoor hot tub or natural hot spring of some kind at night on a rainy day, with additional candles lit, playing into the hot-cold feeling.

Edited August 15, 2021 by Myioko

[Myioko]

On 8/11/2021 at 1:08 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

I love how I refer to my friends in my journal entries as if I have a lot of them when in reality I'm talking about the same 3 people 90 percent of the time and in the other 10 percent of the time I'm talking about a random acquaintance I had years ago. 

Haha well...Your definitely not the only one! Thank goodness for having at least a couple of friends though.

 

[soos_mite_ah]

11 hours ago, Myioko said:

That picture does look oddly satisfying/sensual.. ?? A few things just pop up into my mind. Such as: Getting a hot stone back massage, that game kids and I used to play where you'd say this rhyme thing along with movement, I looked up the words and it went like this: (isn't this a pretty common childrens game? Have you heard of it? Everyone I knew did it but it sounds weird written down.)

Crack an egg on your head let the yolk drip down
Let the yolk drip down, let the yolk drip down
Squeeze an orange on your shoulders let the juice drip down etc.
Stab a knife in your back let the blood run down, etc.
Tight squeeze, cool breeze, now you've got the chillls!

OMFG this unlocked a memory I didn't know I had. I remember people doing this lol. 

11 hours ago, Myioko said:

I also remember there was a kid when I was in elementary school who would sometimes pour liquid glue, or even milk if I remember right, on his hands until there was a thin layer of it, and let it dry and peel it off for fun. Everyone thought it was pretty weird/gross but at the same time it just made sense and wasn't too questioned, I guess peeling things off is universally understood as satisfying. Anyway.

Yeah I remember there was a kid like that in my school as well. But I only saw the glue thing, not milk. There was also a thing there you would put a ton of glue on one of those school supply boxes, have it dry and then peel it off. Also, peeling off the little bit of glue that was on the glue tip was also really satisfying. 

The wax thing is also similarly satisfying. But I noticed that with soy wax candles, even when it dries, it has more of a buttery texture rather than a hard one that peels off super easily. It isn't the same but it is satisfying in it's own way.

Soy wax candles also burn out really quickly because of the melting point. I bought a couple a couple weeks back and I noticed that those candles ran out much faster than my other candles. 

11 hours ago, Myioko said:

I had the habit last year of dipping pencil ends into melted wax because the texture is really nice and it's all glowy and pretty, but stopped because sometimes I'd accidentally stick my mouth at the wax-dipped pencil later on, and candle wax tastes disgusting. 

OH NO LMAO

11 hours ago, Myioko said:

 I've never thought about dripping candle wax onto me before, I think if I did, I imagine the most suitable place in doing it would be an outdoor hot tub or natural hot spring of some kind at night on a rainy day, with additional candles lit, playing into the hot-cold feeling.

Ooooo That does sound nice though. 

Speaking of the whole hot-cold feeling, apparently a lot of people are also into experimenting with ice cubes. I tried to do that but I found it to be too cold and overwhelming. I guess a less intense way of doing it would be using mint/peppermint. Something I enjoy doing is having a few drops of peppermint oil onto soap before taking a shower and there is this really nice cold feeling that just makes you feel even fresher. I got this inspiration once when I used this mint face wash. It felt amazing. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Sexuality Through the Spiral Dynamics Stages 

I remember talking about something similar in different threads a while back. Thankfully, I don't have too many posts on here and a large chunk of my posts are in my journals so it only took me a little digging to find those specific comments. Not trying to toot my own horn, just feeling lazy and don't want to write about things I've already written about in the past. 

On 8/13/2020 at 3:43 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

I don't like how people think it's [waiting to have sex is] repressive. I can see why that view exists and I think it's because of why people would refrain from sex historically. As a result, a lot of people tend to tie in waiting with shame around sex. 

If it's 100% your choice, I don't think you're repressing anything. In order to repress something, the feelings have to be there and denied. If your desire to have sex isn't there because you genuinely want to wait, the feelings aren't there in the first place so there is nothing to deny. That's like telling me that I'm repressing my anger by not expressing it when I'm not angry in the first place. 

As long as you aren't chaining anyone and expecting anyone to abide by your personal standards (which you aren't), there is no repression involved. 

And since some people want to bring the spiral into this, here are my thoughts: 

Purple/Red: Disregard future consequences. Have all the sex you want  with as many people you want in your tribe or empire, be guided by your primal desires. Don't consider what  other people think even if it violates consent. 

Blue: Repression because of potential consequences (whether it is STDs, infidelity, or God's wrath). Expectation to not have sex because or else you are a whore going against God's will. I wouldn't be surprised if notions of purity have come up in stage blue because of the prevalence of STDs since historically not everyone had the means to contraceptives and the only way to control people was through dogma. (Here I think it's good to integrate potential consequences and thinking ahead) 

Orange: Backlash against blue. Expectation to participate in hook up culture or else you're some repressed prude. Sex isn't some sacred thing, you just blow your load and that's it. Blue sees this desire to make sex secular as a way of potentially going back to purple/red because casual sex is seen as barbaric and orderly. (Here I think it's good to integrate the idea that sex isn't dirty, there is nothing wrong with casual sex as long as it's safe and consensual, and that there shouldn't be religious justifications for repressing sex)  

Green: Emphasis on consent. Do what feels right granted that it feels authentic and isn't rooted in society's or other people's pressure.  Don't shame people for saying yes or no. Feminism also comes in because it emphasizes how the patriarchy shames women, and sometimes men, for saying yes or no. I mention men because not all men want sex but there are notions of masculinity in the patriarchy that paints men as these sex hungry creatures and if you don't want sex, there is something wrong with you and you aren't manly. Sex is more emotionally intimate and can be held as sacred for some people (especially in the case of some new age spiritual people).  Orange has a backlash against this because why would sex be something that can be seen as sacred on an emotional level. That looks like it's regressing back to blue. (Here it's good to integrate other people's views so that they can coexist whether their views may be for casual sex ,for waiting, for embracing sexuality with someone you care about for spiritual reasons, or for things such as gay sex if that is your orientation) 

Yellow: Emphasis on understanding other perspectives. Like green, yellow wants to have a more holistic approach to understanding different people's perspectives. However, it isn't triggered like green when it comes to repression or hookup culture because it sees the rest of the spiral. Also sex is cool at yellow, there is nothing wrong with having it or not having it, but there are other things in life that catches its attention such as research and analysis of models. (Here, it's good to integrate that sex is nice but isn't a necessity for living a good life. You can let go of desires or not let go, but neither choice comes from a place of repression. This fluidity is because you aren't clinging to your sexuality) *I'm not sure about yellow tbh but this is my observation

Turquoise: I genuinely have no idea

On 1/7/2021 at 6:55 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

To me all of the stages except blue is comfortable with sex and doesn't think about repressing sex. 

Red and purple doesn't think about repressing sexuality because they are too impulsive and are too busy seeking pleasure. This impulsivity can come out as violence and complete lack of consideration of any consequences Blue is horrified by this behavior and deems sex as evil. It's important to consider that each higher stage comes from seeing the horrors and limitations from the stage just below it. 

Orange doesn't see the need to moralize sex and see it as a way to blow a load and move on but they aren't as violent or impulsive as red.  Sex isn't necessarily for financial incentives (you can have sex for financial incentives in red or purple for instance to marry higher in your tribe or something but that isn't orange) but sex is transaction, logical, and usually with no strings attached. Because sex isn't moralized, orange is much more sexually free.  Blue shames orange and can't differentiate it from red and purple. It is not uncommon for a lower stage to critique a higher stage because they confuse that higher stage with a stage lower than them.  

Green doesn't moralize sex but rather sees it as emotional and a way of connecting with people. Expressing yourself and connecting with others is good so why would you repress that and deem it a sin. Blue sees this desire to act on emotion as synonymous with being impulsive and destructive like red and purple and like with orange it assumes that green is lower than blue. 

I think out of all of the stages,  blue tends to stick out as the odd one out because of the repression. I have more to say about sexuality at stage blue in particular but I want to put that in a different post so this doesn't get too long. 

[soos_mite_ah]

16 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Thankfully, I don't have too many posts on here and a large chunk of my posts are in my journals so it only took me a little digging to find those specific comments.

Super unrelated  but I was curious and I wanted to add up the number of posts I have from all of my journals and compare it to the number of posts I have in total. I have 638 (this post will be #639) posts in my journals. That number is a little higher than the actual number because I haven't subtracted other people's comments from those posts because I'm only mildly curious and don't care about doing this extensively lol. 

639/1426= roughly 44.8% 

Interesting....

I know that percent is likely higher if we look at the last 4 months or so because I spend more of my time now in the journaling section whereas when I first joined I spent more time elsewhere on the forum actually commenting on things lol .

[soos_mite_ah]

1 hour ago, modmyth said:

I learned pretty recently that hot wax is safe enough to consume (as in, you can pour it in someone's mouth and they'll be fine), but I do think it was one of those softer wax, "organic" candles. I used to go to a shibari/ D/S themed life drawing studio pre-covid and I was pretty shocked when I was one of the models pour wax down the other model's throat.

wait... what?!?!?!

you can eat candle wax in large quantities???

and even if you could, wouldn't it taste weird??

I'm sorry, I'm just really confused lmao

[RendHeaven]

17 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Yellow: Emphasis on understanding other perspectives. Like green, yellow wants to have a more holistic approach to understanding different people's perspectives. However, it isn't triggered like green when it comes to repression or hookup culture because it sees the rest of the spiral. Also sex is cool at yellow, there is nothing wrong with having it or not having it, but there are other things in life that catches its attention such as research and analysis of models. (Here, it's good to integrate that sex is nice but isn't a necessity for living a good life. You can let go of desires or not let go, but neither choice comes from a place of repression. This fluidity is because you aren't clinging to your sexuality) *I'm not sure about yellow tbh but this is my observation

Turquoise: I genuinely have no idea

Yes - I observe that yellow tends to "take a break" from sexuality by recognizing that it doesn't lead to to Eudaimonia.

Yellow can appear to act in the same manner as blue (at quick glance), but rather than coming from a place of suppression/repression/tension/inauthenticity, it has genuinely let go of sex, is capable of having it, but decides not to from of place of sincerity & relaxation. In some ways this is a "phase" bridging green and turquoise, a right of passage. You can't really go turquoise with your sexuality before knowing what it feels like to let sex go completely. I also see some people pretending to be "above" sex by mimicking this stage, but you can tell when people are faking it. I think stage yellow sexuality is what blue was trying (and failing) to copy with all of its denial.

How to know you're at this stage (instead of faking it): You've had mind-blowing and fulfilling-loving sex before but you naturally don't chase it whatsoever - it doesn't even cross your mind.

Turquoise comes full circle imo and engages with sex again, but with the newfound recognition that life and people are more mysterious and beautiful and full of love than we ever imagined at green or yellow, and the difference between self and other is imaginary.

Turquoise can appear to act in the same manner as green (at a quick glance), but rather than coming from a place of "two people merging" to "make love," it doesn't even see "two people" to begin with - in that sense, sex with a partner and masturbation are metaphysically identical, in either case Self-Love (and especially appreciation for existence) is expressed - and there is never a moment of "turning on the lovemaking" since love was never "off" to begin with... "sex" is happening as you stroll around the street just as much as it occurs in the sheets. Sounds impossible, sounds like I'm redefining the word "sex" on a whim... maybe I am, and maybe that's fine. In a nutshell, this stage is about realizing that definitions were never solid anyway.

It's like all of our collective human definitions are shapes made by clouds, and we think they are immutable, until the clouds move and we realize the shapes were "never solid anyway." And only then are we free to appreciate the cloud for simply existing, no matter what shape it takes. And acknowledging the cloud no matter what shape it takes - that's basically what sex is, isn't it? When the clothes come off and the bodies merge, what we're doing is we're dissolving definitions and holding space for whatever unfolds. The same with masturbation: when "you" stroke "yourself" it's like God petting his child, "I love you" by becoming the child and definitions dissolve...

...ok that last bit sounds weird without a reference experience ???

Edited August 16, 2021 by RendHeaven

[soos_mite_ah]

10 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

Yes - I observe that yellow tends to "take a break" from sexuality by recognizing that it doesn't lead to to Eudaimonia.

Yellow can appear to act in the same manner as blue (at quick glance), but rather than coming from a place of suppression/repression/tension/inauthenticity, it has genuinely let go of sex, is capable of having it, but decides not to from of place of sincerity & relaxation. In some ways this is a "phase" bridging green and turquoise, a right of passage. You can't really go turquoise with your sexuality before knowing what it feels like to let sex go completely. I also see some people pretending to be "above" sex by mimicking this stage, but you can tell when people are faking it. I think stage yellow sexuality is what blue was trying (and failing) to copy with all of its denial.

How to know you're at this stage (instead of faking it): You've had mind-blowing and fulfilling-loving sex before but you naturally don't chase it whatsoever - it doesn't even cross your mind.

I mostly agree. Sex isn't something you're as fixated on because you're probably getting your needs met in other ways. I have also noticed people mimicking the "above sex mentality" as well. IMO, if you were actually "above sex" you wouldn't go around saying that and creating a spiritual ego around that. I know when I identified as asexual, I didn't have that whole complex around it lol and I was more neutral about it because the urge wasn't really there. It was kind of an *eh.. it is what it is* attitude. With yellow, I'm not saying you turn asexual and you aren't attracted to anyone but what I am saying is that there is that neutrality that's there  

But I also think there is another side of it. Yeah there are people who get to yellow and they're kind of neutral towards sex because it doesn't lead to eudaimonia but the other side is having better sex that does lead to eudaimonia. If I'm not mistaken, strong healthy relationships whether they be platonic or romantic are also eudaimonic. I think in romantic relationships, you can use sex in a very deep, meaningful, and emotionally fulfilling way. There is an emphasis on that aspect of sex as opposed to *let me see what's the craziest thing I can do.* I don't think that sex is inherently hedonistic. It's kind of like food. You can approach food in a way where you gorge yourself and find enjoyment in that or you can approach food where you genuinely enjoy the process of making the food, building you cooking skills, and really savoring the food. I think the later is more eudaimonic and approaches the things like a hobby that puts you into a flow state. And I think sex can be the same way.  I know this might sound a lot like green but I think this is one of those instances where it's important to acknowledge that the later stages still consist of the earlier stages. 

And just in general outside of the topic of sex, I think yellow can sometimes come off as blue because they are extremely principled. The difference is that they aren't nearly as dogmatic about it as blue. 

10 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

Turquoise comes full circle imo and engages with sex again, but with the newfound recognition that life and people are more mysterious and beautiful and full of love than we ever imagined at green or yellow, and the difference between self and other is imaginary.

Turquoise can appear to act in the same manner as green (at a quick glance), but rather than coming from a place of "two people merging" to "make love," it doesn't even see "two people" to begin with - in that sense, sex with a partner and masturbation are metaphysically identical, in either case Self-Love (and especially appreciation for existence) is expressed - and there is never a moment of "turning on the lovemaking" since love was never "off" to begin with... "sex" is happening as you stroll around the street just as much as it occurs in the sheets. Sounds impossible, sounds like I'm redefining the word "sex" on a whim... maybe I am, and maybe that's fine. In a nutshell, this stage is about realizing that definitions were never solid anyway.

It's like all of our collective human definitions are shapes made by clouds, and we think they are immutable, until the clouds move and we realize the shapes were "never solid anyway." And only then are we free to appreciate the cloud for simply existing, no matter what shape it takes. And acknowledging the cloud no matter what shape it takes - that's basically what sex is, isn't it? When the clothes come off and the bodies merge, what we're doing is we're dissolving definitions and holding space for whatever unfolds. The same with masturbation: when "you" stroke "yourself" it's like God petting his child, "I love you" by becoming the child and definitions dissolve...

...ok that last bit sounds weird without a reference experience ???

I'm going to be perfectly honest. I'm probably going to have to take a psychedelic to even grasp what you're talking about lmao. I get it intellectually to a certain extent because of the things Leo talks about and what this forum discusses but... I mean you said it yourself... it sounds weird without reference experience lol. But I will say that I really like the cloud metaphor. 

Edited August 17, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

The Worst Version of Myself 

I talked about what the best version of myself is like in another post in my main journal which I thought I'd include here. 

On 7/15/2021 at 4:39 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

My ideal self is someone who is productive and who is getting ahead in life. That previous statement is definitely rooted in internalized capitalism and just stage orange bs because it prioritizes what I can do rather who I am. But I think the other part of it is that the difference between who I am at my worst and at  my best isn't really that different. Even at my worst, I don't have much of an issue with aligning with and standing up for my values. I'm still kind and able to empathetically communicate with people. I still make an effort to think critically and slow down rather than making rash decisions. I guess what I'm trying to say is that my character and my values are consistent whether I'm at my best or at my worst. As for the differences between me at my best and me at my worst comes down to how productive and focused I am, how emotionally and socially open I am, and to what extent I judge/complain. Out of those three things, I think how productive and focused I am displays the most obvious and tangible differences and as a result feels more real than the other two. Especially in a stage orange society that values things that are material and can be measured, results and tangible successes are prioritized. 

So basically, the worst version of myself is unproductive/ unfocused, emotionally and socially closed off, and judgmental as fuck. 

I've also been reevaluating how I approach relationships in general. I found this thread to be really helpful and basically the stuff that was said since then has basically been marinating in my head ever since. 

Then I watched this video that just always makes me smile. I just think it's funny and I feel like I resonate with it a lot but not so much so to where I feel called out (idk, maybe I should feel called out lol). And I thought about it a little more as to why this resonates and then I realized that this is basically a caricature of what the worst version of myself is in it's pettiest, most exaggerated form. I decided post it here because I think this what the worst version of myself would look like in a relationship. 

The only thing that doesn't resonate at all is the making fun of someone for crying bit. 

But the rest of it was a call out lol. And I'm not even a Sagittarius lmao.

 I especially resonated with "look, I love you, I just don't want to see you for a month okay?" and "oh yeah honey fantasy football seems like a great way to spend you time *internally judging: I'm dating a fucking loser*." 

Edited August 16, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Sexuality at Stage Blue Part 1: Stage Red Origins

Upon finding out about spiral dynamics, studying it, and contemplating how it relates to various areas of my life, I found that a lot of conversations I had about sex with my parents made much more sense due to added context.

I knew because of my background that it was unlikely that my parents were going to have super open conversations about sex. Honestly, I have yet to meet a South Asian person who actually had the sex talk with their parents.  It's just an understood norm that this is not something you talk about, especially with your parents of all people. But I didn't know exactly how deep the repression went until I came out as asexual to my mom. 

Both of my parents were really confused when I came out. I never got any hate from them, just confusion and a thousand questions. Eventually they decided to brush it under the rug and never bring it up so I don't have much trauma regarding that. 

I was prepared for the confusion mainly because that is the most common reaction when people come out asexual since a large chunk of people don't even know it's a thing much less how it worked. But the level of confusion that I encountered with my mom when I came out to her was on a different level. 

She asked me what being asexual means and I told her that I didn't find men or women attractive. She asked a few more questions but the one that stuck out to me was "wait, so then wouldn't all women be asexual. They don't like sex." I was sitting there just like..... huh? Like I know damn well that this woman is straight. I saw this woman simp over Tom Cruise waaay too many times growing up lmao (honestly I don't really get it lol). After talking to a her a little more, basically I got the impression that her view on sex is that it's not something women enjoy rather it is something for men. Sex happens to you, not with you. I found an article that talks about sexuality for South Asian women which I'll link, but this particular pretty much sums things up. https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/sex/a37279402/sex-south-asian-women/

Quote

As I grew up into a teenager, I was told that sex was for men, not for “good” Indian women – we were too “chaste and pure” to do something that dirty. I was also taught that women only had sex when they got married – and even then, we had no interest in the actual act. We were just supposed to lie back and think of India. We were always supposed to be the recipients of the sexual act, never the instigators.

I had another conversation with my dad a year before this whole encounter. I forgot what we were talking about but I remember he said something along the lines of this. Sex isn't something that is seen as empowering for women in that part of the world. Because you're sexualized so much, to willfully go after sex or to see yourself as a sexual being is like being enthusiastic of your own demise. Repression is almost seen as empowering because having sex means giving up your power to a man for his pleasure. Referring to my other post about being sexual vs being sexualized, I would also add  that for women, being sexualized is the opposite of being allowed to be sexual because the autonomy is taken from you and your sexuality is essentially defined for you rather than you defining it for yourself. And when you're always being sexualized, repressing your self expression is a coping mechanism because if you do try to express yourself, there will be people who will think that you proved them. They will be like "look, you like it, you are a whore after all, why are you complaining about our advances?"  

I think this form of stage blue "sexual empowerment" makes even more sense when you bring stage red sexuality into the picture. A lot of stage red sexuality does have to do with violence, rape, and degradation. I'd imagine that in those circumstances, saying no and being extremely protective of your "purity" is seen as the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. I think when society transitions from red to blue, that purity more so has to do with the protection from STDs, unwanted pregnancies, and psychological trauma. I think that's where the whole "innocence" element also comes from this lack of trauma. And then, when stage blue is taken to it's peak, the whole purity and innocence thing becomes more rooted in shame and repression. 

When we are specifically talking about South Asian (I guess this can also apply to the Middle East, can't say for certain though), there is this notion of women being the one that carries their family honor, their family's traditions, and their honor of their country. As a result, whenever there is a huge conflict, such as Partition in 1947 and the Bangladeshi Independence War in 1971 (there is a lot of history on this especially when colonization is taken into account but I wanted to highlight these two instances since they are still very present in the collective memory), there are mass rapes that happen in addition to the bloodshed. Because raping the enemy's woman is seen as the biggest form of fuck you to the enemy and it's seen as also making the woman absolutely worthless in the eyes of men who would've considered marrying her in the process (not saying that women who get raped are worthless, that's the train of thought of these people). As a result, I'd say that the natural progression from this stage red form of sexuality is to move into stage blue. 

Edited August 17, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Sexuality at Stage Blue Part 2: Colonization 

Another conversation I had was with a friend recently. We got on the topic of birth control and how our families would react to something like this. She was like, "I don't think it clicks in a lot of brown parent's minds that people sex for the fun and pleasure. I'm pretty sure that the only times my parents had sex were when they tried to have me and when they tried to have my brother." She was dead serious when she said this. I was like "honestly... same." I never grew up with my parents showing any amount of affection. They were arranged and they low key hate each other lol.  Based on the conversation that my dad and I had that I mentioned in the last post, even though he never straight up said it, I can kind of infer that this man hasn't gotten laid since literally the previous century. And I would say that it's almost worse for him because he isn't no where near as repressive when it comes to sex compared to my mom. I can at the very least have some kind of conversation when it comes to sex (that is if I bring it up) and I won't be the most awkward thing in the world. When it comes to mom, based on how repressed she is, I highly doubt that she ever came in her life and I highly doubt she sees any of this as a problem. I feel so bad for both of them tbh. 

Then me and this friend started talking about the attitudes that our mother's held when it came to their bodies and sexuality and what they tried to pass onto us. I told my friend on how in the summers I have this habit of sleeping naked and how my mom freaked out about it initially and how once she calmed down about the whole thing after I explained how I like to sleep naked because it's more comfortable, she said something along the lines of how she doesn't really get where I'm coming from because she doesn't even feel comfortable with seeing her naked body in the mirror before taking a shower because it's gross. Both me and my friend started talking about how sad that sounds and how fucked up it is that there are women out there who feel gross about their bodies both from a body image perspective but also a sexuality perspective. Because a woman's naked body isn't gross, disgusting, impure, or sinful. 

We also talked about how a lot of this rhetoric comes from colonization. Because prior to colonization, South Asian women didn't wear blouses under their saris because it's waaay to hot for that climate wise in that part of the world (in many parts of the world especially in hot climates, breasts aren't sexualized and even if they are, they weren't before colonization). A lot of the modesty that is put on South Asian women comes from the Victorian era. The British kept sexualizing brown women and kept asserting that they are like animals because they aren't as covered up and repressed as they are. As a result, those women were pressured into these norms in order to be seen as decent and worthy of respect. Then there is the whole thing on how gay sex and fluid gender identities were considered perfectly fine before colonization but again, when the British came in and saw that we didn't have the same view as them, they labeled us as barbaric and set new norms. I remember when gay sex was finally decriminalized in India in 2018, a lot of people were saying that this isn't because of western feminism's influence on making the country more progressive. Instead, decriminalizing gay sex is an act of decolonization because that law and that taboo wasn't there until the British made it illegal. 

Growing up I always found things like the Kama Sutra, explicit statues on temples, and tantra really strange because of how open sexuality was. Because I mainly know about the repression of sexuality that is in South Asian communities from my experience. It wasn't until much later when I took a few classes on how colonialism affected the Indian subcontinent that I found out that a lot of the repression has to do with stage blue white people shoving their beliefs on to us.

And something that I find particularly interesting as someone who grew up Hindu is that even though my mom slut shames me and the way I look, she never brought religion into this. She never used the word "sinful" in her vocabulary even when she was uncomfortable with something that looked blasphemous in her stage blue world view. She always used "respectful." Because of that, I never got a religious connotation from her remarks. Rather, I always took it as a cultural thing. The thing is, I didn't know that it technically wasn't coming from my South Asian culture. Because, even outside of this particular subject, the more I learn about the impact of the British Empire, the more I realize that my parents or any other conservative brown person aren't traditional. If they were truly traditional, they'd be much more sex positive, they'd be more accepting towards gay people, and they wouldn't push modesty so heavily. They aren't traditional. They are colonized.  

Edited August 17, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Having Your Cake and Eating It Too 

I really want to have a relationship and connect with someone but I dread putting myself out there and actually dating. Maybe this is because of how forced the last situation was when I tried to talk to a guy on Tinder that I really didn't click with. Dating feels like a chore if I'm going to be honest. I don't get how people just enjoy this process. Don't get me wrong, I have been on good dates and I have had good interactions but there is just so much shit that's out there and even in the instances where things went right, they weren't right enough to result in an actual relationship. 

I haven't gone on a date since like 2019. It's safe to say I was forced to go on a break. But, I don't feel rested. My head doesn't feel any clearer. I still kind of hate everyone lol. Like it literally takes me years to find someone I actually like and that I actually get feelings for. Clinginess is far from the issue for me. And after working on my attachment issues more and learning to open up to people, I realized that in a lot of ways, I'm not dismissive avoidant rather I'm just not into some people. I talked a lot about this both on a platonic and romantic level in my main journal 

And online dating.... oooofff...... that isn't an option for me. Never again. I have seen enough men have profiles where they hold up dead animals as if it's some kind of Trump supporter mating call offering (you know kind of like how those penguins present a shiny pebble to their love interest as a part of their mating rituals. Kind of like that but much less vegan friendly lol). I've talked about how dating apps just don't work for me in another post: 

Then there is the whole screening process both for yourself and for the guy. I try to screen myself to make sure that I'm getting attached to someone in a healthy way so it's not just me going by the impulse of my pain body. And I definitely try to screen the guy to make sure at the very least I'm not going to end up on Dateline in a couple years. I have also talked about the whole racism aspect of this. I have more to say but I think one of the big reasons why dating feels exhausting is because of how a lot of the racism I have encountered on a one-on-one, personal level, had to do with dating or sexuality in some way, shape, or form. 

I just want to skip all of the formalities of dating and screening and jump straight into actually clicking with a person and feeling comfortable around them in every way, developing feelings naturally in a normal pace, and then going to their place often just to cuddle and watch whatever tf we want. I'm not really a hopeless romantic and I'm definitely not the person who wants a grand gesture. I just want a sense of intimacy both physically and emotionally. But also, maybe I don't want to deal with the formalities and planning when it comes to dating because I haven't found someone I actually like and I'm enthusiastic about dating. 

And I guess in order to do this I need to make some kind of social circle. I already need to do that anyway but also it's just like ugggghhhh I just want to skip to the fun part and go straight to finding a boyfriend. 

So basically, I will lose my mind if I try to force connections, I don't feel comfortable with casual sex, I hate the dating apps, I don't want to date around, and I don't even like anyone. Buuuuuuuttt... I am horny and emotionally thirsty.I know this is dumb, but I want this to come naturally without me putting in all this effort because I'm exhausted with the process and I'm frustrated in more ways than just sexually.   

In other words: I. Hate. It. Here. 

[soos_mite_ah]

I guess what I'm actually tired of is the disappointment. And I guess the only thing that's keeping me holding onto a sense of hope is the few good experiences I have had. Like I know this shit is out there. I have gotten bits and pieces but that's it. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Attraction Doesn't Exist in a Vacuum Part 1: Being Swarmed by One Rigid Standard

This is something I've been meaning to write about more. I know I already talked about some of this when it comes to being sexual vs being sexualized. but I want to get into this more because it just hit more intensely than usual as I've been readjusting to my school atmosphere. There are two factors in this and that is race and body image as well as how they intersect. Here are a couple things that are relevant. The first is from this journal and the second is in my regular journal. 

On 8/11/2021 at 2:03 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Also demographics play a role too. I had a friend who went to school in a predominantly white, conservative, wealthy area. And as a woman of color, she was always bullied for her features and called ugly. But the moment she left that area and went somewhere more diverse and progressive, suddenly a bunch of people were showing interest in her and she also had better options. 

On 8/23/2021 at 0:48 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Also, this hit me at the same intensity as the first time but WHERE ARE ALL OF THE THICC PEOPLE ON THIS CAMPUS!?!?!?!? I wrote about some of this in another post in one of my other journals but I thought I'd include the most relevant part of that post as it relates to this. I'm also linking that entry as well. 

I'm going to start with the body image thing first because I feel like that effects me more. Like I said, there aren't really any thicc people on this campus. Lack of diversity culturally is one thing but when it comes to everyone being more or less the same body type, that's a different level of weird. And that same body type is really REALLY skinny. Basically on this campus if your stomach isn't flat, you're basically considered fat. There is a huge diet culture here as well. It isn't uncommon for people to gain weight during college due to life style change (often called the Freshman 15) like not eating home cooked meals, not having gym class, drinking and partying a little more etc. Well, here, you don't get the Freshman 15. You better have a Freshman Negative 15. Also I know that in a couple of sororities there is a requirement to go to the gym because god forbid yall are known as the sorority with girls that aren't as pretty. Granted, I'm not in that scene socially but that vibe definitely permeats throughout the whole school. Also there is this huge things with thinness and dieting with upper middle class to upper class white people. I'm really referencing the shit out of something I wrote months ago but it's relevant af:

Quote

So apparently it's because women without curves communicate this sense of sexual unavailability and purity. Those two things gives an essence of exclusivity and unattainability. Lots of things that pertain to fashion also have elements of elitism, classism, etc. rooted into it. Especially now in the U.S., I can see why skinniness would be held as a status symbol. If you are skinny, it often means that you have the time to work out and take care of yourself by for example, cooking at home and the money to afford high quality food. You can easily go to a vending machine and see that water costs $1.75 while a soda costs $0.99 or go to a gas station where you can get 3 donuts for $3.00 but if you want a salad that's going to be around $6.00. 

I also had this experience in college as well. I currently attend a college that is stereotyped for rich kids mainly because a large portion of the student body is represented by upper class white kids. I am going to this school because of scholarship money. In other words, in a way I'm here on a bribe. And being around people who come from a very different background than my own has been a very educational experience for many reasons. While I was expecting a lack of racial diversity when I set foot on campus, one type of lack of diversity  that I wasn't prepared for was the lack of diversity in terms of body types. There are no thicc people on campus. Everyone is skinny. If you don't have a six pack you are considered fat. And all of the girls are wearing the same over priced Lululemon leggings and look like they are about to go to the gym for work out. I asked a friend wtf this was all about because I thought I was seeing patterns that weren't there and I thought I was going insane and she explained to me how being as skinny as possible is a huge status symbol among the rich. For a solid semester, I walked around feeling like I was the only one with tits and an ass and eventually that started making me self conscious because I felt like I was a fat cow that stuck out in the crowd. I've even had my really skinny friends get self conscious because of the standards in my university and how whenever there is food present there is always a ton of people talking about dieting and restricting food. Over all this environment hasn't been helpful for me to be more body positive. 

 

But yeah. Throughout this week I caught myself comparing myself to most of the girls in this school. I can't even claim to be a curvier or bigger girl realistically but by the standards of this school, I might as well be. The main things that stuck out to me is me comparing arm sizes, obviously my lack of flat stomach, and my boobs. Dead ass I didn't know how big my tits were until I first starting attending here. There is a part of me that feels really vulgar and chunky for a lack of a better word. The stomach thing is just a really big insecurity of mine in general. And the arms thing, it's something that I used to be really insecure about but now a days it comes up every now and then. But the thing that surprised me what how I started feeling insecure about my legs mainly because I normally really like the way my legs look. My legs are a little thick compared to the rest of my body, has a nice shape (I think lol) and is well toned/ muscular. But on this campus, I feel like more people have skinny legs that look more elongated if that makes sense. And in comparison, I find myself feeling chunky which doesn't make sense because my legs are muscular. 

Which then leads into the race thing. I hate to admit this but something that I notice is that I find this subtle feeling of insecurity creep in when I'm around tall skinny white women. Bonus points if she's blonde with blue or green eyes. This feeling is really subtle to where I don't notice like 90% of time unless I was trying to be mindful. But in this case in a predominantly white school with an emphasis on thinness, this feeling isn't as subtle because I feel swarmed by this exact type of woman. And it has to be all three factors. White skinny women don't affect me. Tall skinny women of color don't affect me. White short women don't affect me. It has to be tall skinny white women. The way I feel when I'm being swarmed lol is that I feel like the awkward chubby brown kid who hasn't gone through puberty. Which doesn't make much sense because I think one look at me would be enough to know that I'm a grown ass woman. I guess it is this feeling of being the  opposite of this type of woman that is often pointed to as the standard of beauty. I think this feeling of infantilization comes from how this reminds me of my childhood experiences and how people simply labeled me as ugly. It's like I turn into that kid again even though it's been like a decade since I encountered that type of treatment. 

While to body image thing kicks in immediately, the race thing comes in slowly. I remember at one time I caught myself thinking, "oh I'm pretty but I'm not pretty in this environment." The best way I can explain it is that I know that I'm beautiful but here I'm very aware that I'm not the standard. And that leads to me feeling like *yes I can accept myself but I highly doubt other people see me in the same way.* It's this feeling of invisibility, like knowing that I'm not the image that comes to mind when someone envisions their type. Like when people talk about "what's your type, do you like blondes, brunettes, or redheads?" I know damn well that women of color can have all of those hair colors naturally but I feel like when someone asks that question, there is this unspoken but understood notion that we're talking about white women. And when women of color come into the picture, there is this notion of fetishization and being othered out which is a topic of it's own. And while I've long been aware of Eurocentric standards of beauty, because of the conformity culture and the homogeneity on this campus, it takes those standards to an extreme. There is a very specific way of being considered beautiful and/or attractive. I think all of this goes back to this whole notion of how I don't even see myself as an option when it comes to dating and relationships. 

But on the bright side, at least I don't attract Nazis because I'm don't exactly look like Hitler's wet dream. (I have met full on Nazis on this campus and I have this one blonde haired, blue eyed acquaintance who would occasionally be approached by really creepy conservative/fascist white guys). And that's a problem I will never have lol thank god. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Attraction Doesn't Exist in a Vacuum Part 2: Racial Fetishization 

One of the grossest things I ever had a guy tell me is the following. 

"I like Indian women. You're as sexy as a Latina but you aren't angry or fiesty because you're as feminine and submissive as an Asian woman. It's the best of both worlds."

BITCH WTF?!??!?!? There is so much wrong with this. This man managed to sexualize Latina women, East Asian women, paint some WOC as angry and aggressive and creep me tf out in 3 sentences. Yeah this mf got blocked really fucking quickly. And the worst part of this type of treatment is that it isn't even a thing when it comes to white men. It's a problem with men of all races. 

Another time I had a man talk shit about black women on a first date in order to lift me up. That was awkward af and I'm not the one. I'm not going to sit here and validate your hatred. So I walked out with no explanation. 

Then there was a guy who asked me what my racial background was. After I told him I was South Asian, this bitch tried to mansplain TO ME about MY RACIAL BACKGROUND and he JUST MET ME!?!??!?! He was like "nah, you too fine to just be Indian, are you sure you ain't Latina or Middle Eastern, you sure you aint mixed with anything." I awkwardly laughed and said "yeah I'm pretty sure I'm just brown." And he was like "No but are you sure?" and this was a whole thing. How tf are you going to tell me about what I am when you just met me and act as if you know me better than I know myself. 

Then there is this whole thing of being considered "exotic." I find it so weird that Asian women are considered exotic because globally there is literally a billion of us. Like i get that there aren't many of us in the U.S. but it just adds to the whole othering of Asian people and not being considered wholly American. And the different ways that WOC are sexualized also have to do with histories of oppression and colonization. We are literally more likely to be sexually harassed and assaulted because of these stereotypes.  And plus, it's just plain gross to fetishize an entire race of people. I don't have much to say other than it gives me the ickiest feeling. 

And dealing with this icky feeling is also one of the reasons why I don't like the whole process with dating. Like there is this whole racism aspect I have to deal with and I would just. rather. not....... At the very least maybe not at the environment I'm in. 

I'm not even talking about preferences. There isn't anything wrong with having preferences. I'm sure everyone has them to a certain extent. But when those preferences comes to fully excluding one group of people or hyperfixating on a group because of some underlying issue, that's when shit gets weird. It's a different vibe than "just a preference" because those "preferences" don't exist in a vacuum. It's shaped by history, power dynamics, trends etc. Like I know damn well that if I was alive in the 1920s, I would be considered an ugly beast. I'm pretty sure that I'm the exact opposite of what was considered attractive back then.  

Speaking of beauty being a moving target and being fetishized, I think the intersection of those things are really relevant now. Things like full lips, tanned skin, curvy bodies, small almond eyes are a part of today's standard. It's to the point where white people try to get plastic surgery to appear more racially ambiguous and get these dark ass spray tans. It's that time of year meaning I'm running into plenty of white women who have darker skin than me and I find myself standing there like "is this borderline brown face?" or "is this bitch doing the Ariana Grande?" The whole thing makes me uneasy because it's like the features of women of color are praised on white women but when one of us has those features have naturally, they are labelled as ugly. Thick eyebrows weren't considered attractive until Cara Delavigne. People with small almond eyes were targetted until Bella Hadid came out with the whole "fox eye trend." People would bully you and call you names for having full lips until Kylie came out with her lip kits. People thought curvier bodies and large asses were disgusting until the Kardashians came into the picture. It's irritating. You love our features and you want them for yourself but you don't give a single fuck about us as people.  

[soos_mite_ah]

I'm in this mood where I want a guy to shower me with attention and affection, cuddle with him for a couple hours, and eventually have that turn into kinky but also really gentle sex. I want to turn red from being praised and complimented and feel overwhelmed emotionally and physically by someone. 

Edit: realized I wrote about something that relates to this exact feeling. Wanted to include it again here: 

 

Edited August 29, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Attraction Doesn't Exist in a Vacuum Part 3: PH Categories 

On 8/3/2021 at 5:02 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

From like 17 and on wards, I didn't (and currently don't) watch a lot of porn. I have reasons for this. First of all, there is the racism aspect. Especially when it comes to the dehumanization of black men and just reducing them down to their dicks and there being this whole fetish on dark skinned black men fucking really tiny pale petite blonde women just is ewwwwww....... There is a lot of unpack here and that can be it's own post. I feel like whenever I watch porn, I need to watch white people porn to avoid dealing with the whole fetishization aspect. But then that also reinforces a lot of racial standards around beauty and desirability so there is no winning. 

Annnnnd there is that whole other post on this. I remember about a year ago there was a post that was going around on twitter that was along the lines of "are you a pornhub category or are you priviledged?" And honestly, that's a fat mood. 

While analyzing an individual's kinks/preferences can be a messy process in the sense that I don't always think it's appropriate to psychoanalyze what people are into and why (can be a whole nother topic tbh), I think analyzing the collective trends and preferences to be something that is important to look into as a way of cultivating social awareness through analyzing the collective ego.

In a way, I think that the categories that are most popular on ph can be quite revealing as well as the way different groups of people are portrayed. Though they may be pleasant I don't see emotions like desire or joy as inherently positive emotions. I think it's important to also look into things that spark up positive feelings in us in order to work through any shadow elements that maybe present. Which is why I think it's important to pay attention to what turns people on collectively. 

I think something that makes more sense than only looking at porn through the male gaze is specifically seeing it through the gaze of white men. I have talked to POC and regardless of gender, there is a consensus that a lot of porn gives off an icky feeling especially when specific categories are taken into account. I think one of the best examples of this is how black men are portrayed in porn. They pick out the most stereotypical role for black men and reduce them down to this hype masculine trope. And this really comes up when interracial porn comes into the picture which a lot of the time, interracial usually means a black man and a white woman. Even though interracial porn isn't limited to that (i.e. you can have a white person and a latino person and it's still interracial), odds are the videos that are tagged as interracial usually follow that particular format. 

I don't think this whole thing being a fetish is a coincidence. There is a whole history dating back to slavery of how black men are seen as hyper masculine, sexually deviant, and having this thirst for white women because white women are painted as this ideal for femininity. There is a history of how black men were often targeted with false rape accusations towards white women just so white men can have an excuse to torture black men.  Basically by even looking at a white woman in the wrong way can easily land you into a lot of trouble. And I think that people who are into categories  of porn that sexualize an entire group of people tends to literally get off to the idea of their prejudices being confirmed through this narrow form of representation. 

There are also a lot of white women who sexualize tf out of black men. There is this whole thing of how some white women try to get with men of color as a way to piss off their parents and be adventurous. I know a couple of guys who got into situations like that and it's messed up to say the least. Granted, I don't have personal experience in this but from what I can gather is that when you end up dating a person like this, you aren't building a relationship or a narrative together. It's their world and you're just living in it. And you aren't really living in it as a well fleshed out character either. You're reduced down to this particular trope and as this object that is just there to symbolize going against your parents. They aren't with you because they are genuinely into you and care about you. They are with you because you represent something to them. In my opinion, seeing someone for who and what they are is a factor that goes into respecting a person. And respect is something that is incredibly important in any romantic and sexual situation. Knowing you're respected and that the other person sees you as you are is the gateway to intimacy emotionally and psychologically. By seeing someone as a collection of symbols and a narrow trope limits the complexity of that person and therefore you aren't seeing them for who they really are.

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Also, the fact that "teen" and "barely legal" categories are popular is concerning. Like, why tf are we hyper fixating on really young women like that as a culture? Also, it brings into the whole pedo culture that is in the beauty industry and how much youth is considered the end all and be all for a woman as if the little amount of worth we have expires at a certain age.  Then there is the whole body hair thing and being really skinny and petite etc. And I'm not trying to define what a "real woman" is or to say that "real woman have curves" or some other bs. I'm not saying that if you're into really petite women that you're a pedo either. We're allowed to have preferences but it doesn't hurt to be mindful or aware of where those preferences come from. All I'm saying is that it's rather sus that we put traits that are associated with prepubescent girls on a pedestal as something that women should aspire to. It's very sus on how in general we tend to infantilize women socially through mansplaining things to them and treating as if they are irrational children who aren't capable of doing much and then at the same time have shit like this be glorified in porn. It's very sus that we take things like naivety, a lack of life (or sexual) experience, and submission and collectively associate them with femininity. 

It's as if being overpowered is simply part of the feminine condition. And in a way it is because of the way society treats women and feminine presenting people. But to say that our experiences are inherently like that because of nature and that this is just the way it always is and always will be is dangerous. 

And I feel like as far as collective standards go, there isn't an equivalent for men to be young in order to be considered attractive. Even when women say they like shorter guys or skinnier guys, or guys that have that "pretty boy/ feminine" look/energy to them, age and youthfulness doesn't come into the conversation as much. Most of the things that correlate with cultural notions of an ideal man usually has to do with height, a developed body, hair etc. In other words, signifiers that you are in fact a grown ass man. The same can't be said about the cultural notions of the ideal woman especially when the whole "men gain value after the age of 25 and women lose value after that age" thing is taken into consideration (the whole thing is so predatory and icky.... I just can't. I feel like I talked about how that's fucked up all over this forum back when I still had the emotional energy to engage in certain places on this forum).   

Edited August 30, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Attraction Doesn't Exist in a Vacuum: Articles 

I found a few articles that are relevant to some of the stuff I've been talking about and I thought it would be somethings that would be helpful to look over. 

https://www.ntdaily.com/fetishization-of-black-men-is-a-form-of-prejudice/

https://www.jstor.org/stable/2904350?seq=3#metadata_info_tab_contents

https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=10057104

https://vc.bridgew.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1132&context=undergrad_rev

https://aninjusticemag.com/youve-heard-of-rape-culture-but-have-you-heard-of-pedophilic-culture-8ecd67f2c696

 

[soos_mite_ah]

Attraction Doesn't Exist in a Vacuum Part 4: Hypermasculinization and Hyperfeminization

I feel like I have touched on both of these when it comes to racial fetishization. I know that hypermasculinization is huge thing for black people (and I think also Latino people due to things like the angry brown woman trope that isn't just limited to black women even though black women face this at a much greater extent) and by painting them as hypermasculine, any amount of pain or vulnerability or softness that comes from the effects of systems of oppression are stripped away and instead are replaced with this notion of "we can continue treating them badly because they have the pain tolerance and they can take it." Hyperfeminization is a huge thing for a lot of Asian people. By painting Asian men in a hyperfeminized light, society paints them as emasculated and not as empowered as men of other races as if they are some how less of a man or weaker. For Asian women, there is the whole "submissive Asian woman" trope on how she lacks authority and agency and as a result is seen as more desirable because she isn't seen as a threat.  

I think living in Texas as a South Asian woman gives me an intersectional perspective on this. On one hand you have people who see me as Asian first and see me in this hyperfeminine light but also there are people who confuse me for being Hispanic and that comes with it's own problems with being seen as hypermasculine and angry. I don't have a mixed identity but I feel like different people see different things depending on their prejudices and attitudes. I also think even when you take getting mistaken for being Hispanic out of the picture that being Indian is kind of in this awkward in between in these dynamics especially when South Asian men are taken into account. Because on one hand again, you're seen as this submissive Asian woman trope especially when you take into consideration the ways that South Asian men and women are treated differently in the family. But on the other hand, you are seen in this hypermasculine light when you are compared to white women who are seen as the feminine beauty ideal. In those situations, you get seen as this hairy disgusting angry beast.   

(Tangent: The whole body hair thing has shades of pedophilia but also racism and capitalism involved. Racism comes into the picture because a lot of POC tend to be hairier or have darker hair compared to white people and that has been used as a justification that POC are more animalistic and less evolved. Capitalism comes into play because the whole thing with women shaving came up during the world wars because men were going off to war and dying. As a result, razor companies wanted to target women as a way of making up their lost profits.)

In short, hypermasculinization is associated with being seen as a heartless beast with little to no human qualities and everything you say is exaggerated as being violent and doing the absolute most because the people in power would rather have you being quiet. Hyperfeminization is associated with having your agency stripped from you and submitting to whoever is in the top of the hierarchy because your human thoughts, needs, and emotions don't matter and you're essentially like a child who is at the mercy of who is in charge of you. 

Both of hypermasculinization and hyperfeminization come down to a lack of respect and dehumanization because you aren't seeing that person or that group of people as they really are. You are instead simplifying them to a collection of tropes and you're taking their expressions to the extremes to where they ignore anything else about the person. To reiterate from the previous post: 

On 8/29/2021 at 3:01 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

In my opinion, seeing someone for who and what they are is a factor that goes into respecting a person. And respect is something that is incredibly important in any romantic and sexual situation. Knowing you're respected and that the other person sees you as you are is the gateway to intimacy emotionally and psychologically. By seeing someone as a collection of symbols and a narrow trope limits the complexity of that person and therefore you aren't seeing them for who they really are.

And I think that by taking this into consideration, it's so important to be both well integrated yourself but also have a well integrated view of other people especially when women and people of color come into the picture. Going into extreme hypermasculinity or hyperfemininity or expecting other people to do so doesn't help anyone. 

Edited August 30, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Envy, Cringe, and Incel Tendencies

Been meaning to take a crack at this since the video came out but I needed time to contemplate and have the message marinate in my mind. I love how aware Natalie’s videos are and how I feel like I walk away with more brain cells after watching her videos.

But this one strikes a very particular chord with me. I feel like envy is something I’ve been experiencing a lot and on some level has been my default setting since like last October. And it hasn’t been fun. Natalie said it herself, envy is the only sin that doesn’t come with pleasure. Like, with the other sins like lust, gluttony, and sloth, you can at least have fun with.

So first Natalie talks about incels. Later on, she also talks about the proximity effect where you are more likely to be envious of people you have things in common with because their fortune looks like something you could’ve had but you don’t. One of the reasons why it was difficult for me to come to terms with being potentially straight (honestly, I’m still questioning) is because of the proximity effect. Before when I identified as asexual, there was a distance between me and other straight/gay people in that I didn’t care about sex at all. Therefore me not getting any wasn’t a point of envy. But now that I am straying from that asexual identity, I catch myself feeling salty when people talk about their sexual experiences. First it starts with a feeling of envy, then it leads to anger/ contempt, and soon enough since I repress anger and contempt, it just turns into this sadness. And when people are talking about this, they genuinely can’t tell all of this is happening just beneath the surface because for one, I’m good at hiding it and acting like nothing is going on and two because I go through these emotions really fucking quickly. Like I would say that I go through these stages in a matter of seconds and then I’m left with this incel depression for the next couple days.

But yeah, I didn’t feel this envy before when I was asexual and this was something that I learned how to deal with. I don’t know if this is the healthiest way to deal with this but I mainly just try to set boundaries, distract myself, and unpack my own feelings of unworthiness.  Firstly, with boundaries. I have two. The first is that I don’t talk about sex with my friends all that much. I’ve told them something along the lines of “hey, can we talk about something else, I’m not super comfortable with this topic.” They know I’m questioning so it’s all cool. The second is that I don’t watch porn because it isn’t healthy for me emotionally and it just reinforces that sex is something that isn’t for me and that it’s for other people instead. Then when it comes to distracting myself, I try to stay busy dealing with other areas of my life in order to remind myself that this isn’t the only thing that defines me and that there other things that makes me and my life interesting. And trust me, I have plenty of other shit to sort through. And finally, I try to journal about my own feelings of unworthiness and deal with the underlying emotions and unpack underlying experiences that contribute to the self-loathing.

And to add to all of this, when it comes to incels and my own self loathing/ incel tendencies, there is this cringe mechanism that comes in.

On 4/26/2021 at 10:32 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Shame Around Being Socially Awkward Part 2: Cringe 

25:00

• Recognizing yourself as having things in common with a cringeworthy person induces self-cringe. Self-cringe can help you change your behavior, beliefs and self-concept
• Cringe to exert superiority
• Trollshielding: compensating for your own shame by projecting onto others
• Also think of scapegoats and how they help us process our own shame and anxiety

46:18 A-log theory of morbid cringe: We form obsessive and addictive contempt for people who have traits in common with us; people who make us uncomfortable because we see something of ourselves in them.

Group representation aspect: Being afraid that other people will cringe at a group that includes you because of how the cringy people are acting

Something me and the incels have in common is that we want sex and intimacy but for one reason or another, we just aren’t getting any. And there is this group representation aspect that kicks in because I know plenty of people who are single and have little to no experience and they aren’t a bunch of potential mass murders. There is already this notion in society that if you aren’t dating, in a relationship, or having sex regularly, that there is something wrong with you and that you’re probably a hermit with no social skills. When in reality, there are plenty of well-adjusted people who aren’t neurotic about this whole thing and are just vibing. I feel like socially, the whole incel phenomenon is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You have society saying that something is horribly wrong with you if you’re a virgin after a certain age and then either you end up questioning shit about society, or you end up internalizing a sense of envious self-hatred and next thing you know, you actually end up with something wrong with you.

From 34:00 to 37:30 Natalie talks about how conservative politics are often brimming with envy. This whole section is a gold mine and I recommend just checking that part of the video out because I can't do it justice by trying to put it in my own words. (I made an edit on this post after trying and failing lol). But some important quotes to consider include the following:

“Envy is felt more intensely  by prideful people (because envy is a response to ego threat) so it’s especially sharp when it targets people who are ‘supposed to be’ beneath you."

Natalie then goes on to reference  Dworkin who explains that “This dominance of men by women is experienced by men as real-emotionally real, sexually real, psychologically real; it emerges as the reason for the wrath of the misogynist… The woman appears to control sex. The man needs it. This causes his rage at her perceived power over him.” 

So then basically, “women control access to what men want, which gives women a kind of indirect power that some men envy. They envy the sexual power of women. It doesn’t matter to the misogynist that women objectively have less power in society than men. He envies women because they ‘have’ what he desires.” She then references the quote that “It is not the absolute differences between men which feed envy, but subjective perception, the optics of envy.”   

So here’s the thing about the incels. I do have empathy for them because of the shared experience that we have. It’s perfectly reasonable to feel awful about your lack of sexual experience in a society that praises and expects such a thing from you regardless of your circumstance. It does get lonely and the lack of self-worth and feeling of ugliness when you’re comparing yourself to a very narrow standard of beauty is easy to internalize if you don’t contemplate about this shit. But their envy is what really gets under my skin. It’s like they do have the opportunity to make valid points but instead they are out here taking it out on others. There is a part of me that wants to yell WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT because most of these incels are not only men, but a lot of them are white men. YOU ARE LITERALLY IN THE TOP OF THE HIEARCHY BUT YOU STILL FEEL THIS NEED TO SPIN THIS VICTIM NARRATIVE THAT ISN’T BACKED BY ANY STUDIES LIKE AT ALL. That’s not to say that their experience, especially emotional experience isn’t real in the relative sense but it’s to say that in absolute terms, men being oppressed by women simply they can’t get their dicks wet isn’t true…. like at all. They want to say so badly that women have it better when it comes to things related to sex and they refuse to take the very real threats we have to deal with on a regular basis when it comes to our physical safety WHICH THEN CONTRIBUTES TO THE DANGER WE EXPERIENCE.  

The whole Chad thing as well as rating women on this 1-10 scale also makes me really irritated because, it’s like they are so close to examining the issues with unrealistic body standards for men but instead of looking at things in a critical lens of how society is the problem, the project this shit onto women by painting all women as materialistic pieces of shit and the subject them to even harsher standards. It also goes back to the whole WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT thing because a woman’s beauty is already very harshly critiqued and policed, even more so when you consider the experiences of trans women and women of color, so for a man to sit here and say that he has it worse is frustrating to say the least. Men’s body image issues are real and I have wrote about that before but it’s different from what women have to experience because of the power dynamics that are at play. Again, they have the perfect opportunity to critique the hierarchy and deconstruct it but instead their male ego kicks in and they want to puff themselves up as being “alpha”, or god forbid a “sigma” (new male type who dis?) as a way to puff themselves up and regain some of the control they lost from their own envy.

And next thing I know (hell even in this post you can probably smell it) the cringe mechanism comes in and there is this sense of stage green moral superiority that kicks in where I genuinely feel better than the incels for not being a misogynistic piece of shit and for being more self-aware than them. This also ties in with issues I have with my spiritual ego. Don’t worry, it’s getting better. I used to be much angrier and more triggered at one point and at one point I wasn’t even aware of the moral superiority complex that I sometimes have. That’s something else to unpack for a different day.

But anyways, this explanation tying in envy with the experience of incels makes a lot of sense to me and it helps me make sense of my own negative emotions that come up when I’m discussing things in this journal.

Edited August 30, 2021 by soos_mite_ah