Feeling Ashamed of myself and unworthy

[Preety_India]

My last thread on the forum.

I constantly feel self pity. I feel ashamed of myself. Ashamed that I was born. 

I ask myself "why was I born in this world?"

I don't like myself. I feel unworthy. My mom told me since the age of 12 that she had undergone an abortion before me and that she didn't want anymore kids.

During my teenage years she would frequently argue with me and tell me that I was unwanted and undesirable child.

I'm in my 20s now. 

She used to constantly tell me how she wished I wasn't born.

She used to keep repeating this almost regularly. It started to make feel empty and unwanted.

I feel like I'm sick of myself. 

I constantly feel like my birth was a huge mistake 

I don't know how to get over it..

These feelings are pretty intense and cause me mental breakdowns.

 

 

Edited July 15, 2021 by Preety_India

[captainamerica]

7 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

During my teenage years she would frequently argue with me and tell me that I was unwanted and undesirable child.

 

@Preety_India Why do you believe that she was right?

[Preety_India]

Just now, captainamerica said:

@Preety_India Why do you believe that she was right?

I was only 12-14 at the time. At that age, kids take whatever parents tell them without skepticism or judgement. 

I believed every word of my mother because it's obvious that I trusted her, she was my mom 

 

[captainamerica]

13 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I was only 12-14 at the time. At that age, kids take whatever parents tell them without skepticism or judgement. 

I believed every word of my mother because it's obvious that I trusted her, she was my mom 

 

Why do you believe her now?  

any trigger?

[Preety_India]

Just now, captainamerica said:

Why do you believe her now?  

any trigger?

I have no idea about it. I don't believe her.

But I still get these feelings of shame, guilt, fear, unworthiness and "unwanted by everyone" all the time. As though I am born to never get love or acceptance.

 

[Snader]

I understand why you're feeling this way and I'm sorry to hear that you've had to experience that, and even though you know what she said isn't true, it's still affecting you.

I still want you to look at the truth once again, from a different angle. Imagine you were born in a healthy and loving family in a healthy society with all the healthy growing functions around you. Your parents kept telling you every day how beautiful you are, how much they love you, how lucky they are to have you. They kept supporting you with everything you authentically are and everything you authentically want out of life. Growing that life would've made it easy for you to create an amazing life, a life you are meant to live.

Think about that Preety and also the Preety who grew in India. What's the difference between those two? It's conditioning that affects on the surface. Nothing else.

Both Preety's are exactly the same from deep down. Not one is better or worse than the other. They are exactly the same. Now, what Preety_India has that Preety_HealthySociety has not? She has life experience, she has inner strength that she's been forced to dig from deep down of herself. She has emotional abundance and most of all, she has desire to grow. Those skills and attributes she has developed has come with some scars, but those scars can be fixed, and when they are fixed, the Indian Preety can become more that the one growing in the healthy society could.

You have all the power in your hands and although you think you've been unlucky, actually you've been lucky. It's not easy, and lots of work is to be done, but I can tell you that It's the conditioning that has shaped your mind and situations and circumstances you've had to experience as growing up and other things that are still essential to your surroundings and society, which are clouding your thinking and makes life look a bit greyish to you, which it is not at all, like Preety_HealthySociety would assure you. Don't let it fool you. When the scars are fixed, you will see all the strength that came with them. Keep slaying the demons and never give up to them! The beauty from deep down will start shining more an more as you keep going and going and never giving up.

[Grateful Dead]

I think you already know that none of this is your fault and that it's okay to feel that way.

Now I want you to consider the possibility of an immediate change.

From your posts it seems to me that you have already done a lot of theoretical work, but I think that you miss actualizing through techniques. (I might be wrong about that)

For example, you could try breathing exercises or start a meditation practice. You have to get out of your head and get active in your life.

I also know that you journal a lot and that's great, but you should also be talking to someone in real life. Speaking out loud will process your problems completely differently and you can move on more quickly.

[Thought Art]

@Preety_India Hey, given my current circumstances and foolishness I am having a similar inner dialogue.

Best thing you can do is love yourself.

[sara373]

@Thought Art I also think this is my solution but to love yourseltf might involve distancing from what is invoking negating feelings by others. For ecample clear or cut karmic cords.

Personally i am trying to bring my love and light forward to my mom, so it scrubs out any negativity I've ever recieved or felt from her. Of course this is tremendous effort if your self-love reservoir isn't maintained. 

I'm a big talker here.

When all is said I go to a corner and have a little cry. Lol. Just sharing my rusty 2 cents, pls accept :>

[captainamerica]

5 hours ago, Preety_India said:

I have no idea about it. I don't believe her.

But I still get these feelings of shame, guilt, fear, unworthiness and "unwanted by everyone" all the time. As though I am born to never get love or acceptance.

 

I do believe in you.

If that helps. 

I did have some exercises or tools but I don't think you are looking for that.

[Thought Art]

3 hours ago, sara373 said:

@Thought Art I also think this is my solution but to love yourseltf might involve distancing from what is invoking negating feelings by others. For ecample clear or cut karmic cords.

Personally i am trying to bring my love and light forward to my mom, so it scrubs out any negativity I've ever recieved or felt from her. Of course this is tremendous effort if your self-love reservoir isn't maintained. 

I'm a big talker here.

When all is said I go to a corner and have a little cry. Lol. Just sharing my rusty 2 cents, pls accept :>

Self love I think when practiced at a high level is really nuanced, robust and can be expressed in seemingly paradoxical ways. 

Self Love can mean cutting off a relationship, moving out, going to war, admitting painful truths to yourself and suffering through them. It can also mean the opposite stuff too, like eating well, meeting people you love and creating meaningful relationships, self forgiveness and self-compassion.

Self Love when fleshed out is the most powerful teaching in the universe.

Edited July 15, 2021 by Thought Art

[snowyowl]

You have such kindness and understanding to many others in the forum, it's obvious you are as worthy as anyone else here 

If you see another family with the parent saying such things to their children wouldn't you feel compassion on the whole situation. Maybe your mother has her own issues which she's projecting. Do you still talk to her now? 

[Preety_India]

@snowyowl I show her kindness. I always take her to doctor visits for her diabetes and other issues. But she is always rude to me. Extremely rude.

Whenever I speak softly to her, her answers are very narcissistic and inflammatory.

For example 2 days back I dropped something in the kitchen. Like salt.

While I was trying to clean up the mess, she came there and saw there was some salt scattered on the other side of the kitchen near the wall and it didn't catch my attention and she said something really mean like "who's going to clean up this mess, your father ?" 

My father died many years ago. It was extremely hurtful of her to say that and refer to my dad in such a disrespectful manner. 

It's like I never talk to her because her replies are extremely hurtful, mean, vitriolic and narcissistic. 

She talks a lot about success and money. Very stage Orange but mostly toxic stage Orange talk.

I usually talk about spirituality and she isn't interested and I understand. But I'm not materialistic like her 

Literally every occasion where I'm trying to be gentle and polite she turns into a verbal disaster with her obscene profanities and verbal abuse. Words that I'll never use for my future children in a 100 million years 

It's too hard to live with such an abusive person. There's a point where you give up and breakdown 

She is a total bully and insulting me and my dead father is what gives her a sense of superiority. 

She often tells me"you have turned out just like your dad" which she means in a derogatory sense 

In her mind my dad was a stupid submissive spineless man. However he was a very strong man in my eyes because he fought a huge battle with his terminal illness for a long time 

However she treated his illness and disability as a weakness. He was wheelchair bound and she used to throw things at him. I used to defend my dad against her attacks.

She never cried at his funeral as though nothing happened 

 

She gave me tremendous amount of trauma although I don't feel hate towards her(sometimes I do but I wish her closure in life)

 

 

[snowyowl]

As kids we're programmed to internalise how our parents treat us, so it came as a surprise to me to learn that mine weren't always right. I hope you can protect yourself from further trauma and get help healing your childhood trauma. Glad to hear you have faith in life to want to be a parent yourself, it's the most important job in the world yet so many people are untrained and unprepared. 

[Preety_India]

Just now, snowyowl said:

As kids we're programmed to internalise how our parents treat us, so it came as a surprise to me to learn that mine weren't always right. I hope you can protect yourself from further trauma and get help healing your childhood trauma. Glad to hear you have faith in life to want to be a parent yourself, it's the most important job in the world yet so many people are untrained and unprepared. 

True.

 

[Bob Seeker]

Blessed be you,

Say I, who am Life.

It is I who gave birth to you,

As you have to Me.

See Me in the sunrise,

Feel Me in an orgasm,

Know Me, as too good,

Too good to possibly be bad.

Fear and guilt are the only enemies of man.

Extend to Me your hand, 

And see that I lift you.

Edited July 17, 2021 by Bob Seeker

[Preety_India]

46 minutes ago, Bob Seeker said:

Blessed be you,

Say I, who am Life.

It is I who gave birth to you,

As you have to Me.

See Me in the sunrise,

Feel Me in an orgasm,

Know Me, as too good,

Too good to possibly be bad.

Fear and guilt are the only enemies of man.

Extend to Me your hand, 

And see that I lift you.

That was sweet. I really appreciate.

 

[Nahm]

Feeling ashamed is how mom thinks. 

The very instant mom acknowledges mom is thinking ashamed, mom’s got a foot on the path. 

Inevitably, the cyclical spell is broken. 

A dam is no more. 

“...oh babe, of course mother’s gonna help build the wall.”

- PF

[Hulia]

@Preety_India You have been born not for amusement of your mother, father, your boy friends or somebody else. There is no uselessness or usefullness in your birth or in some other birth. You have been born to live, to breathe and to feel - everything you are feeling also that.

[Preety_India]

11 hours ago, nuwu said:

Shame is merely a map to the amount of reputation we hold as monke. You are doing God's work simply for existing. Your mother cared about you but were entangled with fears for the survival of the family and herself, her opinion on you can not be reduced to a single idea.

Imagine taking a blood test and being hurt by the needle. Your mind accepts and expects this event to be a "good" thing for you, even though there is suffering. But somehow, other experiences are bad and unwanted? What if the polarity of judgement within all experiences are fiction of the mind, and it's all really just "Absolute Good" as Leo put it? (I don't know personally, I'm just parroting positive thoughts)

(accidentally pressed ctrl+enter while typing, sorry about this )

Thank you for that perspective.