I will either become selfless or commit suicide

[Onecirrus]

I can't do it anymore, I just can't fucking do it anymore. It's exhausting, it's nauseating, it doesn't make any sense, and I am too conscious of its limits to continue. A life serving the self and the mind is an arduous, empty, infuriating, unfulfilling endeavor where the only certainty is suffering. My failures are catastrophic and my victories are hollow, bringing only a few minutes of satisfaction before I feel inadequate again. I no longer posses the energy to judge others or my self anymore, I'm tired of hating, complaining, and suffering. My limited conditions for happiness are never met and are guaranteed to fail in a universe where the destiny of all forms is annihilation. My mind has driven me to the brink of suicide and back over and over and over and over and over and over- Enough!!! I don't care anymore!!! I'm done... I'm done... my only desire right now is to empty myself of myself until only God remains. I just want to rest in peace.

I've wandered off of this path dozens of times, wandered unconsciously back into hell, I can't do it anymore. It's just too painful. Absolutely nothing brings happiness except spirituality, everything else hypnotizes you back into hell.

[Grateful Dead]

This sounds like spiritual bypassing. You have fundamental problems that you should address first. I think the best thing for you would be to forget about spirituality for a while.

Talk to someone in real life about your situation, preferably a therapist.

More people than you would think are going through phases like this. In 5 or 10 years everything could look very different...

[Roy]

You do not need nor deserve to create more suffering for yourself through ultimatums.

39 minutes ago, Onecirrus said:

A life serving the self and the mind is an arduous, empty, infuriating, unfulfilling endeavor where the only certainty is suffering.

Is this a limit you feel exists and is true? Why can you not serve others and yourself at the same time? And can you honestly think of ways to serve yourself where you don't need to suffer, but rather feel good? What could that look like?

41 minutes ago, Onecirrus said:

My limited conditions for happiness are never met

Perhaps that is why you fail to be happy. Setting standards where there needs to be none.

Happiness is simply radical contentment. No time conjuring up conditions needs to be wasted.

52 minutes ago, Onecirrus said:

My mind has driven me to the brink of suicide and back over and over and over and over and over and over- Enough!!! I don't care anymore!!! I'm done... I'm done... my only desire right now is to empty myself of myself until only God remains. I just want to rest in peace.

I've wandered off of this path dozens of times, wandered unconsciously back into hell, I can't do it anymore. It's just too painful. Absolutely nothing brings happiness except spirituality, everything else hypnotizes you back into hell.

I'm really sorry for what you're going through @Onecirrus, but it doesn't need to be the end of the road. There is nowhere that is written.

Please don't feel the need to hurt yourself. If you feel unwell take time to rest and consider talking to someone, people will always be here to help you.

https://www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines 

[Carl-Richard]

1 hour ago, Onecirrus said:

Absolutely nothing brings happiness except spirituality, everything else hypnotizes you back into hell.

Herein lies your problem. 1. Life is where happiness is experienced. 2. Spirituality should not be used as a source of happiness.  Avoiding life, no matter how painful, will only lead to more suffering. Therefore it is crucial that you either get help to deal with life from somebody with the right experience, or that you drop spirituality and choose life. Life comes first, always. Without life, there is no spirituality.

Edited July 14, 2021 by Carl-Richard

[Onecirrus]

@Roy I don't plan on hurting myself, only the neurotic mind craves suicide. I do intend to drown it in being though.

[Carl-Richard]

6 minutes ago, Husseinisdoingfine said:

@Onecirrus Too many people contemplating or even committing suicide on this forum. Too many people reported broken mental health. Connor Murphy... I'm ever more becoming disillusioned with this forum community.

This is real life. Nothing unexpected. I had suicidal thoughts before I found Actualized.org, and it saved my life.

[Preety_India]

1 hour ago, Carl-Richard said:

This is real life. Nothing unexpected. I had suicidal thoughts before I found Actualized.org, and it saved my life.

Me too.

 

[Eph75]

@Onecirrus

Everything that spirituality is, is the acceptance of what is, acceptance of life as it is, acceptance and deeper understanding of what isnss is or isn't, and the gaining of understanding that what we see as problems in life is inherent to the biases of our own mind, and it adding the labels that make life "arduous, empty, infuriating, unfulfilling" , all based on our desire for life to meet certain requirements of the thought, and the inevitable discrepancy created between that thought and what reality objevtively is. 

Adding spirituality as a layer, as a bandaid covering up our pathological approach to life isn't a solution, the solution is the deconstruction and the removal of limiting views we've unconsciously adopted, by acceptance of that which we try to avoid. Spirituality is that which will emerge from within, and that which will prevail throughout that process. 

This calls for redefining what failure is. 

Acceptance of life is the deep acceptance of failure.

"Failure" as a label is negative, bad, undesirable. "Failure" on the other hand is something that is an inevitable part of life. How can failure be "bad" if it's a part of being? 

Failure is the negative label that exacerbates the experience and make us obsess around the lacking of something in that natural process, rather than celebrating the learning and wisdom there is to find in every moment previously seen and failure and waste, and in the shifting of definition of this process from failure to success in and of itself. 

There is no such thing as failure, failure only lives in our imagination, as expectations and the resentments that inevitably follow.

Failure is really part of the process of leaning, development and growth. If we want to develop as human beings, failure is one of the first phenomena that we need to redefine within ourselves. 

Pradoxically we have a desire to growth, but we at the same time have a desire to never "fail" or have "setbacks" on that journey. Suffering in mere being is the result. 

By practicing acceptance of what is, and the detachment of preconceived ideas related to that which causes us suffering, we become free. To be able to do so we have to identify what limitations we have inside us, that hold our inner self back from emerging. 

Those "limitations" lives in our mind, in our thoughts, and to expect that the physical or external manifestation of something should go away won't help us, as we cannot control what is.

The only thing that we can control the mening we attach to something, and that meaning attaches such labels that creates our suffering.

A simple example, which just happens to be biblical, could be:

If I were to slap you in your face, it will hurt, and you will suffer that slap as pain.

The physical pain, induced by "slapping" is far less intense than the suffering the mind adds onto this.

The isness of that slap carry no meaning at all, it is a slap, it gives a physical stinging sensation that lasts for a few short moments, and then transitions into a numbness and a warmness in the area of impact. Then the suffering fades away. 

It's not the slap that you need to remove, the slap is, and indeed life will slap you time and again.

It is the detachment from any meaning you attach to the slap. It is that meaning that moves the suffering from the objective physical plane, and into the subjective psychological plane.

Why was I slapped? I didn't deserve that! I was wronged! That person has slapped me before. Many people slap me. Why do I always get slapped? There must be something wrong with me! People don't like me! No one likes me! I could never be loved. I don't even love myself. And so on.. 

Turn the other cheek. 

With removal of the emotional attachment to the slapping, or rather to the expectation of no slaps, and the removal of added context and meaning, it becomes possible to flux and flow with what is, with the isness of life, with life itself, and as a side-effect the frequency of "slaps" is will reduce.

The slap is metaphorical, and it's been you slapping yourself, for no particular reason, for all this time.

There is something very fundamental and simple in this. Yet sometimes the simplest of things are the hardest to see, and harder to change, as that simplicity adds frustration. 

Take care of yourself. Darkness inevitably falls before dawning.

 

 

[Thought Art]

@Onecirrus I have been here many times. I think it was this sort of toxic drive that was feeding my psychedelic use. I was trying to kill myself so I could be reborn, or be 'selfless'... Well, It didn't happen. In fact I want to live a great life now more than ever.

I have been were you are.

Again, as I have been telling people please seek and talk to a professional. You'd be amazed how much just knowing you have someone to talk to and are taking the proper steps towards a healthy mind can do for you. For me booking a therapist on better help was like a 180c change from a month ago because I was feeling suicidal over the difficulty of life, my family situation, shadow aspects I was having trouble accepting, climate change, the state the worlds mental health and social crises... IT all seems so much sometimes. 

Do not rest in your current psychic location. 

Edited July 16, 2021 by Thought Art

[Leo Gura]

@Onecirrus Pursue what you love the most and that will lead you to God.

I suggest you transform your spiritual pursuits from a negative way into a positive way. The negative way is trying to escape suffering. The positive way is simply pursuing greater and greater love.