Life Purpose Vision - Priorities

[ValiantSalvatore]

I've been shying away from the forum because of how polluted the forum seemed to me. I've been going through a lot of hardship and gained some momentum back and earned a certificate online in an area where I want to apply my skills. I am still working on getting my degree, I went through a lot of bs and created a lot of bs because of my vulnerability being triggered immensly. 

Now, I am pretty close to getting my degree finally, we sold our house because my grandma died which took a huge toll on me. My other grandma in the U.S died, my cat died. I fought with my father and told him after like 20 years or so how much of an a** he is. Covid is happening and people are generally aggrevated. I was depressed and suicidal for 1 1/2 years approx. Yet, I have been working with a psychologist now for a year almost and feel that I am back on track. I am able to work 8h a day again and feel motivated since 2-3 months. Even if there are ups and downs

The point is it still get's worse I was diagnosed with pangonarthrosis because of a valgus malalignment. Which is genetic and it did not sort itself out. I seeked alternative treatment, yet the study supporting it's efficiency is way to experiantial. As well as the "meridan" point where my leg is connected to the arthorsis is scared because I have pretty large scar there (the size of my hand). Which certainly encumbers the treatment. Which made it difficult for the naturopathic practionor to treat me appropriately and neutralize the pain. A conservative approach was not recommended from 4 doctors I talked now to. For example using orthopedic insoles. The good thing is I can plan the operation anytime, the unfortuante thing is I can't exercise as intensly anymore. So, no sprints and HIT exercises. Longer meditation sits can hurt a lot and my knee is simply battered. 

I feel back on track now and applied praticial advice from books. Took a couple of online courses and finished them. Analyzed my life purpose and fixed mistakes when applying the theory. I am crying a lot recently and have a lot of weird synchronistic events are happening.  I talked to Shinzen and I still can't figure out what happend during the last retreat besides that it was Makiyo stuff and that talking to a coach would be more appropriate. I also am pretty close to finishing my project for uni and am now in crunch time mode, because of all of the stuff that happend recently. I really went mad during this retreat, it felt similar to the stage ultraviolett on from Ken Wilbers book ROT.

@Leo Gura
My question to you would. Am I overdoing it ? I started learning Python and finished part one of a 6 part certificate and finished almost one certificate from Google. I am extremly scared of the job market. Because I can see that my degree does not gurantee me a "job". I am more out for a life purpose, yet at this point it feels like my life is on the line. I am financially secure for a given time period. A lot seriously a lot of stuff happend. Basically what I am doing is I am working a lot on the weekend and implementing what I wrote down from my life purpose and what I currently read from books reading MOOCS. (Super Moocing)

It would be a pleasure to receive feedback from you, based on the situation I described above. I've been naturally putting the work I took from you seeing holons almost everywhere and becoming more and more translative in the fact that holons exist. Feeling more turquoise has it's own issues, when going through these weird growing pains.

Do you feel it is fine working 8-10h a day with breaks on the weekend, yet also working one day at the weekend ? I feel more fullfilled working towards my vision, yet it still feels fuzzy. Especially after the rut I have been stuck in. To give an example this is what I am currently doing

• Uni Project 4-5h a day
• Java Book 10h a week
• Python Book 5h a week
• (Finished first certificate on the side)
• (Will finish google training on the weekend)
• (Crunch time for project)

I would be greatful for any feedback I keep coming back to your content, yet I am still going through the booklist of the L.P I can't buy every book currently. There are other ways in which I actualize my LP, based on the books I've read so far. I've finished a bunch of them. This includes audiobook versions. 

Any key insight to what is missing ? 

------------------------------------------

I talked to a up and coming coach who wants to help me with testing for giftedness because there are a lot of correlations. I somehow today stoped caring about the topic, yet I am helping him out for now and the topic is certainly interesting, because I never felt I could be that smart. I will most likely also take a test because my psychologist was exuberantly excited about what I do in a given day. When I feel this is normal now. My routine certainly limits my time usage, because of the pangonarthrosis I changed my diet not drastically. Yet, I have to wake up and do the exercises in the morning otherwise I feel quite some pain in my knee. As well as I will not be able to go to the operation for almost a year, because of my degree. Planning wise it is not possible. First in 2022 it would be feasable. I went through a lot of struggle and fooled myself into thinking I can be superhuman, when I made a trip to a friend in Berlin. I still was mainly fighting off depression seeking hedonic pleasure. Since, I have money now for a given period of time. I slowly set the ball rolling and I will get into dating I've read now a couple of books and finished half a course and will finish my other certificate. 

Still, I have some doubts and felt today it is the right time to come back to the forum and write a post about my situation and receive some feedback ! 

I certainly am following my vision and keep options open. Gaining professional certificates and gaining my degree coding on the weekend and under the week. I feel happy and content. Yet, I am unsure if I will end in a burn out pretty soon. I've gone so mad because of the situation, I should be in jail. All jokes aside. 

I definitely long for feedback on my current situation, because there is so much more going on and I definitely want to become a better results maker. Simple things like acceptance and inspiration as well as keeping myself healthy with "stationary fitness" walking outside and stretching helps my keep mental clarity & sanity. 

I plan my week every weekend each hour, I feel very happy doing that. I also reward myself and nuture my inner child now more.

Any advice that I can follow or any tips and tricks on how to deal with the this situation ? I do have a decent support structure now with friends and family supporting me. I definitely want to date and also make friends with potential dates. Obviously as a secondary option.

Vision feels key for me at the moment.

Edited July 15, 2021 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I definitely long to fruther elaborate on my situation and give some feedback on what I did as well as what I learned from my experience. This might seem a bit harsh, yet facing a different reality is difficult for people to understand most often.

I will boil this down as comprehensively as possible and as honestly as possible. I'd appreciate any feedback from any member and mods. I'd rather underpromise and overdeliver at this point. 


Positive insights:

• Discipline working 8-10h a day makes me the most happy as enneagram type 4
• Anahatta chakra is blocked (typically as enna 4)
• Micro-retreat gave me insight into what Leo called once omniscence 
• Doubting Leo's forum because it seems like an amalgamation of enneagram type 4's
• Knowing that knowing the enneagram helps with spiritual bypassing 
• Knowing I bs'd myself with my LP taking less action, because I presumed I know everything, yet did not take action
• Working with positive people makes me happy 
• Transparaency is key to finding highly conscious friends and partners
• Highly enthusiatstic about the fractal nature of reality
• Synchronistic events turning more into synchrodestiny 
• Understanding female nature more and how important a dialog is and why debates don't work
• Understanding power dynamics from a higher level and why debates in an "I-space" won't work
• Ego is the root cause of 80% of my suffering and problems in life
• Antagonism based on identity is far from over
• Noticing that not contribuiting to any forum constructively and consciously is a waste of time
• I do not have ADHD, still diagnosing this is insanely difficult 
• Psychotherapy works, my therapist did retreats in asia which I definitely notice, she is quite conscious 
• Green generally is beautiful and forgiving 
• A gratitude practice works wonders for an enneagram type 4
• The enneagram is great for avoiding spiritual bypassing and working with emotions and conditioned patterns
• Balancing theory and practice gives me a lot of confidence
• I can go out and cry when I contemplate the beauty of nature and simply see holons everywhere
• Nature especially helps with peak experiences 
• There is something very profound about the saying "burn the books"
• Failure and failing more often is not something I should avoid, it is a gift presented as an opportunity for correction and progress
• As long as there is effort and progress I trust humanity to a degree, that we don't kill ourselves lol
• Healthy stage purple is underrated taking care of family relationships and bonding with others based on kinship
• Planning retreats and writing stuff down following advice is great
• When in doubt journal and or ask for feedback with a competent person
• Sublte stage phenomena and dreams are great for extracting insight to the personal realem
• I could get to non-duality with the current technique that I am practicing 
• Positvity and acceptance is important to work with green as a leader
• Holonic asymmtry exists everywhere 
• I easily can delude others for some reason
• Most drugs do not help as good as for example exercise and a healthy lifestyle 
• Kriya experiences are not easy to control
• Doing kriya yoga is out of the question for now, this style of practice is to hardcore and a luxury
• Being a mercenary for my life purpose is great, showing up doing the work and bein quite.
• Being an artist is beauty in itself being highly creative on the other hand takes a lot of effort and practice to actualize the vision
• Finding the right ressources is easy nowadays meeting the right contacts is the scary part
• Reading and appying the techniques takes time and experimentation
• Strength exercises and meditation give you a lot of leverage during a retreat, even if it is a micro-retreat, you feel your body is growing spiritually
• Exercising with techniques and intent is possible, yet also quite difficult imo technique matters here again
• Expansion and contraction is everywhere
• Being of masculine essence to constantly give without wanting anything back hurts immensly at the sametime I feel it sets you free in the sense of opening your heart
• Key characteristic of enneagram type 4 is spiritual absorption going deep into meditation seems apparently natural to this type
• Strategically working on increasing consciousness does work
• Energy transmission even via phone and or zoom possibly seems to work, sometimes the force is to strong
• Creating an identity is suffering in of itself and mostly only serves an survival function
• Being assertive and on the spiritual path is possible, yet people legit project their own ego onto you for no reason, because you feel less egoic 
• It is possible to ravish another person into big bliss 
• FEAR generally is false evidence appearing real
• Field testing / dabbling into different spiritual avenues helps with producing insights and or conceputal knowledge
• Having weird phenomena with nature like it speaks to you is weird you just feel what can happen 
• Lacking conceptual knowledge is okay, as long as you can translate the experience into something profound
• Trauma is a big topic and integrating past experiences and being in a process of self-renewal is important 
• Kriya experiences or samskaras can be created out of love
• Distinguishing kriya experiences is not easy
• Samskaras stop seeming like samskaras when there is an cultivation of love as well as truth
• Standing on the shoulders of giants regardless if it is a mentor or someone who is very conscious is humbling
• In a sick and twisted way violence, death, is also the beauty of existence. Sometimes this stuff is no coincidence. Still I would not be able to tolerate an operation without anestisia .

 

Negative insights:

• People really don't give an f about you and this longs for some re-framing on my part 
• Blaming and negativity especially being furious is dangerous and pollutes entire fields of consciouness and disrupts harmonics
• Working on translating later stages of development is not easy
• Bias is inevitable till there is no-mind and understanding 
• Constantly forming in-groups feels very disruptive
• A physical disabillity is no joke and now having a global health discussion based on covid leaves people left in uncertainity
• Exploring the microcosm deeply was taken away by my from my parents and peers
• Being a highly sensitive person or HSP as a man makes it difficult for other man and women to relate sometimes
• Being in contact with others I fall back to stage yellow cognitively mostly
• Developing emotional maturity as a HSP person is not easy. 
• Going through the process of being diagnosed as gifted is odd, a lot of people see you as arrogant, yet you geniuently care
• Again ego is the root cause of suffering here, mental, physical, spiritual
• Suffering ain't that bad as long as it is not physical
• Getting closer to suicidal thoughts and doing meditation etc. Showed my how insane it is you could really kill yourself out of love
• Trusting the content of your mind is a sure way to fall into delusion
• Theory provides a good way to ensure the content of your mind is clean
• Survivial is more important then I thought and my upbringing was quite priviledged based on the fact that I am a military brat
• Parental care nowadays seems like a priviledge to me IMO
• Creating a functional relationship needs a lot of theory and practice as well as consent
• Creating or longing to create a functional family takes even more work and will hinder spiritual practice immensly
• Global issues are difficult to follow and panic and distress from the enneagrams 2,3,4 heart triad is causing a lot of disruption, especially when it is brought back home locally.
• Meditation techniques matter and do not matter at the sametime
• Re-birth is something I'd wish Leo would talk about in-case he has any insights into that topic
• Smoking weed without tobacco legit works for me and even helps my spiritual practice, as well as it is not as addictive, yet can lead to chronic abuse. Same goes for wine, coffee and the likes I checked the potential addiction rates
• Depression is not as easy to overcome as I'd wish it is
• Most drugs do not help as well as exercise and a healthy lifestyle 
• Stage oranges techno-economic base the industry and mass-production and mass-transportation causes a lot of depression and isolation
• Scientific materialism makes technology "our" new nature
• Not sharing information and being in contact with others makes life more difficult as it seems
• Being suicidal is something that I did create on my own as well as something that was inevitable
• People are generally very judgemental as long as they are not yellow/turqouise survival at these stages is just different
• Moving up and down the spiral feels like shit
• I can't trust my insights 100% because they are still baking
• There seems to be a demand to suffer with others
• Survival and having a thick face and a black heart is more important then I ever thought it would be
• The current notion of love is a joke and fad based on romance
• Practicing unconditional love can be a delusion in itself especially when I long for opening my blocke heart chakra
• Crying almost on demand is not fun, people expect so much emotions out of each other it seems rather unnatural
• Reading ancient history makes me very angry
• It takes more theory then I thought to understand the spiritual path
• For me becoming orderly is extremely painful, I've been shamed around this topic for a longtime even though I am quite normal in that regard
• Finding balance between work and creating order and being responsible feels difficult for me, when I notice that people do not care about me 
• Caring about me causes to futher give my ego more food still functioning as a person is neccessary and longing and or even demanding feedback is fine
• I did not grow as I would love to because I was stuck in a rut and I had to forgive myself as well as practice gratitude and grit
• Think tanks without proper outsourcing are quite toxic 

 

Funny insights:

• Even buying a plant in Germany is antagonistic, I can't stop laughing about these plant names. Hortensia a very good name for a plant.
• Stage yellow is not as cool as I thought it is, yet becomes very interesting at the microscopic level
• Observing people and the behaviour is amazing and funny 
• Eletism is a big joke in a sense and that people believe in their intellectual patron to further propagate their idenity into a collective creating further in-groups. Is amazing to watch.
• Time and energy has a higher value then most things in life and I squander it away longing for a timless connection with reality as well as a deeper energtic connection to reality. Feeling holons for instance.

 

Overall it is not easy to create a lifestyle that is highly conscious in of itself and runs from higher stages as well as it is not easy to become conscious. Balance is key, yet there are methods and techniques as well as hacks that work better then others. Looking for what works is the difficult task. Having existential angst and working through it opened my heart and showed my how disruptive avarice is of itself and how much my personal longing can propel me towards greater heights as well as predict my downfall. 

Anyway this is what being suicidal and depressed now based on constant death around me has thaught me. People take their breath even for granted when there are people who have issues even breathing. Which includes me.

Unsure what I can say from here out on. If there is no feedback I just leave the forum and come back another time when I can put in some of the work which benefits me and is more conscious. This post was not written to diminish others and or to scare them because of recent events on the forum. Yet, my ethical opinions differ a lot based on what I was able to contemplate on the last years. I can understand why becoming conscious in this life time alone is so important. As well as how important it is to keep a clean mind.

 

 

Edited July 16, 2021 by ValiantSalvatore