Why Am I So Indecisive?

[Venus]

There's this girl that I'd been close with for a long time.
We used to just be the friends with benefits sort of thing but then our emotions got stronger and eventually I called it off because I said to myself I didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone.

But then she got with another guy.

When she got with him, I really hated the thought of her giving herself to someone else and we ended up continuing to sleep together again.

Then we got close again and I realised that we were just doing the same thing that I called off before, and I just didn't want to be in a relationship with her, so I called it off again.

…but then she got with another person.
……and it happened again.

 

I want to stop this and every time, I tell myself I won't sleep with her, but I find myself doing it. Then I don't want her.
I don't know what it is that is deep down causing these feelings and was wandering what people thought could be at the core of this problem because she doesn't deserve this. 
Thanks

[SFRL]

1 hour ago, Venus said:

There's this girl that I'd been close with for a long time.
We used to just be the friends with benefits sort of thing but then our emotions got stronger and eventually I called it off because I said to myself I didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone.

But then she got with another guy.

When she got with him, I really hated the thought of her giving herself to someone else and we ended up continuing to sleep together again.

Then we got close again and I realised that we were just doing the same thing that I called off before, and I just didn't want to be in a relationship with her, so I called it off again.

…but then she got with another person.
……and it happened again.

 

I want to stop this and every time, I tell myself I won't sleep with her, but I find myself doing it. Then I don't want her.
I don't know what it is that is deep down causing these feelings and was wandering what people thought could be at the core of this problem because she doesn't deserve this. 
Thanks

Does it come to mind that maybe you are the one being gamed here? She has sex with you, this person, that person and yet all this continues. She is having all the fun. Unless you are doing it as well. 

I am not saying that there might be a possibility that she wants you over the other guys, but even then she is running game and she knows what she is doing.

Edited November 20, 2016 by STC

[Venus]

@STC Oh no, she's definitely not playing me. I would say (and she has too) that yeah she does want me over the other guys. That's the whole reason why she does come back if I call. 
It does sound a bit mean, and that's why it shouldn't continue. 
She's just a hurting girl who can't get the love from the one person she loves most, so tries else where.

[SFRL]

@Venus if it should not continue then suck it up and end it and go get some other girl. 

So what makes you come back? She must be good. So if the sex is good, she wants you, and let's say she is pretty good looking then what's the problem? 

And I stick with it man, having sex with other people to get back the one that dumped you is a technique that's used a lot. It's very effective in limiting the hurting one feels and getting the other person back at the same time. 

[Birdcage]

Seems to me you are being a bit egoistic. You sleep with her and you don't want to commit. So she goes and picks someone else, then you feel you have lost a possession so you try and gain her back. It's like having a piece of furniture that becomes valuable once someone else cherishes it. So it seems to me your problem is not about love or commitment. It's purely ego. You take for granted what you have and panic as soon as you no longer have it.  I think you should work on what drives you. The fear of being chosen over someone else? Fear that someone you were close to can get close with someone else just like that and therefore you feel worthless ? And also let it sink in that beings are not possessions and can just leave. Even a girl who keeps coming back to you will one day say 'thanks but no thanks'. Will you feel regret then? 

I'm just making assumptions and don't mean to offend. 

[Schulzy]

So the problem is in you not her, you keep breaking up with her. 
It could be because low self esteem not sure.

[Bob84]

15 hours ago, Venus said:

Why Am I So Indecisive?

Because you are being dishonest with yourself.

[Venus]

On 21 November 2016 at 2:21 PM, Bob84 said:

Because you are being dishonest with yourself.

But where? What is the dishonesty?

On 21 November 2016 at 11:11 AM, Schulzy said:

So the problem is in you not her, you keep breaking up with her. 
It could be because low self esteem not sure.

Definitely me. 
I think you're right but I don't know why and I'm trying to find a more defined reason. Is it lack of self acceptance maybe? idk

On 21 November 2016 at 9:58 AM, Birdcage said:

Seems to me you are being a bit egoistic. You sleep with her and you don't want to commit. So she goes and picks someone else, then you feel you have lost a possession so you try and gain her back. It's like having a piece of furniture that becomes valuable once someone else cherishes it. So it seems to me your problem is not about love or commitment. It's purely ego. You take for granted what you have and panic as soon as you no longer have it.  I think you should work on what drives you. The fear of being chosen over someone else? Fear that someone you were close to can get close with someone else just like that and therefore you feel worthless ? And also let it sink in that beings are not possessions and can just leave. Even a girl who keeps coming back to you will one day say 'thanks but no thanks'. Will you feel regret then? 

I'm just making assumptions and don't mean to offend. 

Spot on really; great assumptions. But why would someone have this feeling to cling so badly to something they can't have, then not want it when they can. Actually I do think it's about love, but very selfishly; like I'm trying to make sure at least someone does love me. But I don't get why I would feel the need to then not want it when I know it's mine. Wouldn't you think this is a clear display of deeper problems?

[Venus]

On 20 November 2016 at 11:50 PM, STC said:

It's very effective in limiting the hurting one feels and getting the other person back at the same time. 

But does that really help growth? Isn't it ideal to be able to be okay if they get with someone else?

 

[Bob84]

@Venus Try being radically honest with yourself. Without letting your ego justify everything. What is it you really care about and what is it you really want. You really want x but you do x, some part of you is lying to a other part of you, if that makes sense. Only you can find the answers to this.

[Birdcage]

@Venus

maybe deep down inside you want to feel loved and accepted. If she comes back to you, you will feel worthy and feed your ego. And at the same time you feel you deserve better and therefore take her granted? So when she is there you go 'there, she picked me cause I'm good enough, I'm great, but I can do a lot better' and when she leaves you get doubts if you were worth it let alone worth something 'better'. 

I know it's like a repetition that almost everything comes down to self love and self worth ( wish it were something different every once in a while to make it more fun) 

so my assumption is that she gives you validation that you are good enough and as soon as you get it you want to feel you deserve better, like looking for the next challenge. When she leaves your illusion shatters and you have doubts, you feel you weren't that diffferent from the next guy, nothing special. So you want to get her back for validation again and feel you were better cause she came back and left the other guy(s). So it's a vicious cycle.