16g truffle trip – infant insanity & existence

[Loving Radiance]

Date: July 3rd 2021

Set: Relaxed self-compassion and self-love since the one week or so.

Setting: with my trip partner in nature on a lake

Prep: I mixed the dried truffle powder equaling 16 grams of fresh Fantasia truffles in orange juice and let it sit for 25 minutes. I met with my trip partner in the courtyard at 9am. He got another mix with the same dose. We drank the mix. I felt a bit sick already. I ditched the last few crumbles from the powder expecting to go insane if the last few ones were also ingested.

TLDR comes after the report.

 

Report:

Come up: On the last few hundred meters to the lake my friend recognizes that the buildings and surfaces feel skewed when we entered a small new area. I say that I feel like laying down the instant we are done preparing the blankets & snacks.

When we arrive at the lake, I already feel loosening of boundaries and an onset of slight general confusion. I feel losing grip on reality and I resist the experience. I get into a mindset of waiting it out. And this is already in the beginning.

Wanting to drift away from this experience, I plug my headphones in and listen to my music. It has a bit of ambient and flowing feelings. We start to chat a bit. After some time my body begins to shiver while I am letting go of the body and imagining to flow into the ground. I proclaim that I feel cold and put on the warm clothes I brought with me. The shivers continue, so I move to the beach into the sun. It's finally warm.  No more shivers. I move to sit a bit on a patch of grass.

Being warm again, I go back to the blankets and kneel on them. I feel losing myself. I throw myself on the blanket, laying there without orientation, just waiting and waiting. I want to refocus on love, but love is intangible, nowhere to be found although it’s known that there is something called love. After some time of just laying around I ask my friend if he likes to hear music. He says yes and I turn on SLEEP which I listened to earlier.

Still laying there wanting to fade away and wanting to have this experience passing in an instant, my trip partner offers to draw tarot cards for me. I decline because I fear a misdirection of the trip. I want to leave this setting with his presence.

Being back at the sunny beach I lay myself on the grass and feel being close to identity death. I hold on to me. I witness that I hold on to the grass, not wanting to lose me. Random words appear in mind, like waves washing ashore. They feed & flow into each other through rimes in a strange loopy way because they don’t rime at all when seen from an ordinary state of consciousness, with no beginning or end. Kind of like the alien language of Arrival (2016).

I lose more grip on reality. I am almost not there anymore. Losing grip feels strange:

Imagine reaching out for a rock. You take the rock in your hand. By taking it, you grasp it because it has grip.

Imagine mentally reaching out for an image or concept of any kind like for example a rock. You hold it in your mind and grasp it.

Imagine reaching out for a rock with your hand. You cannot get hold of it. It slips through the hand or it has an aura that makes it untouchable.

Imagine mentally reaching out for any concept like a rock. It is just as untouchable as a slippery rock you want to pick up.

My trip mate comes to check on me laying on the grass. He tells me that he had a crush on a good friend of mine a few months back. He was reminded of that because he drew The Lovers tarot card. I interpret him telling me that as inexperience in tripping. You just cannot come to me being in that state.  There is a recognition that I cannot really grasp the story he’s sharing and say that we can talk about it after the trip. Again, I feel wanting to not be in his presence anymore and go back.

I let myself fall on the blankets and lay myself down without taking off my shoes. My partner comes back and asks me about the shoes. I am nonresponsive now losing myself with more intensity. I still resist fading of the identity. However, there is no suffering in resisting it. It’s just an automatic response of ‘I don’t like that’. It's still ongoing with or without me holding on. Again, I try to relax into the moment and wait for the experience to end. I am disoriented. The clothes on me are messed up and there is no mental capacity to make my clothes straight or to eat any of the snacks.

My friend asks about kissing bruises on my neck, if they are done by a friend I slept with. He says, “I am glad it worked out with you two.” I don’t understand that. There is the interpretation that he talks about love between me and other, but love from others doesn’t register. All I love is myself, there is no love coming from others. All projection is mine.

There's a recognition of this ape body and bodily desires.

 

Beginning to peak: The entire setting reveals itself to feel like a stage in a theater. There’s a knowing that illusion cannot harm anything. The realization is expressed through words that I can easily kill myself in that state. My friend reacts confused to that coming out of LR's mouth. There’s no difference, it’s an illusion, it’s the playing ground.

Speaking in the direction of the partner (he’s now casually reading ) that I’m insane & dead (no one was saying that) and that existence makes no sense. It’s felt that the illusory brain is broken. Speaking out that spirituality and more things are bullshit – meaning nothing and being nothing because they are created. Words come out, spoken towards the friend but actually being directed to myself which is nobody in that case, “Just let go. It doesn’t make sense. Let go, let go, let go…”

Being in existence. “Existence, existence, existence.” Seeing the world now without interpretation. Feeling existence. Nothing but existence. Direct, radical, total and seen as naked.

My partner picks up on that confusion. He seems to have a breakdown or an early mid-life crisis. In that moment I am not there for him. It is felt that he’s an illusion being projected by me. The riming words which don’t actually rime in ordinary state of consciousness are coming to the foreground again. The visuals are faint rainbow-colored random Latin letters flowing like blood in blood vessels across the trees and air. It’s just a huge screen.

My partner asks repeatedly if I am ok because of the disoriented state I seem to be in. I seem to not respond. There’s a knowing that there are question marks and sentences which feels like a child discovering what language is and there’s no making sense of it – there’s knowledge without understanding, like having an encrypted data file. Language is known and there is something called England and Germany which have different modes of speaking. There’s a knowing that the body automatically speaks those languages and that the partner understands.

Other people come. Children with a dad. I project the illusion of them. They are not real. They are part of the play. Sentences are clearly heard, but make no sense. There is a feeling that it could make sense, but it doesn’t. Like hearing a foreign language but not understanding it. Like hearing sounds and not knowing what it is. Family constellations make no sense. Intangible. Remembering the family which this body is a part of, that this body is now insane and will be looked upon like a failed child that is now living in a mental institution. Looking from awareness, it feels like consoling a child that broke a stick. There is no fear or disappointment, there is just compassionate presence. There is a recognition that the projection of family and others in general is insane (even though I am insane).

Timeless confusion. The meaning making structure malfunctions. It feels like trying to climb up a smooth metal wall. Slipping down every time when trying. Completely fried brain. Knowing of a body with skeleton and organs.

Looking up, the tree branches & leaves seem to form an interconnected web. By looking to the headphones, they are recognized to be an infinite loop. Infinity is just casually being here.

No memories, total confusion. Looking at wobbly hands. What is that. Wiped hard drive. Like an infant. What is that.

An energetic field around skin is felt to extend 10-20 cm from it, like an aura surrounding the body. The energy on the skin is connected to the mental state, it's flowing. The mental state could not be there without the energetic sensation.

 

Comedown: I am being asked to go home because my partner wants to learn for a class. I repeatedly say no. There’s an arising sense of alien students having a university life – feels like being in a theatre play and that the consciousness in the student body plays along.

More children come by, I am being told to act normal – it feels like being an alien consciousness imposter in a human character who is involved in alien society and acts as if he knows what is going on. There is character play of acting like things are normal like brushing off dirt from the pants when in fact the world feels upside down. It’s acting like being the character. It is told to my partner that I still don’t compute. What is going on.

Finally, my partner urges me to move as he felt disturbed by the newly arriving children. Packing all things together feels like an instant. Being told to tie my shoes. Looking back to the place we were at. It feels clean like there haven’t been blankets, snacks etc. We were never there. Looking at his watch he says it is 1:30 pm. Time doesn’t make sense. It feels like reliving the same day again and again, and time is just a creation to give the sense of many days being lived one after another.

The whole trip back home feels like lasting just a second even though it is not known where we go and why. It just flows. The euphoric mood is registered. The world is recognized as heaven. The body functions on its own. Words flow out – their meaning isn’t known but they could make sense, “Nothing makes sense and that’s ok. Even that makes no sense.”, “Taking the correct the way back just happens on its own. There’s no clue what and where the place is we are heading towards.”, “To be nobody is true confidence.”

Coming back home I lay on the couch and watch parts of the writing on my dream board which interestingly bounce floatingly together and apart like being held in place. It’s like leaves on a tree with certain parts of leaves moving together because they are on the same branches and at the same time moving independently to the leaves of other branches.

There’s no knowledge where the phone thing is. It can be that it is still on the beach. The possibility of it being lost forever feels ok, at the same time the survival aspect feels inconvenient. Still laying on the couch I am registering emptiness inside and wait for it to be over. I find the phone and then take a semi-awake nap.

Still half tripping I write my partner if we could meet up in the courtyard to integrate the experience. I feel that grounding myself is just what’s needed. The body feels empty and there’s a want to be full, no matter if filling myself makes sense or not. Looking into the mirror and seeing the pupils being still dilated. Coming to him I feel drained and devoid of any emotion. We talk and I’m sucking up information like a child listening to fairy tales. Anything that he spoke of feels good. There is a want to speak of the experience not really to make sense of or understand it but rather to express and put it out there. I see him without making up any concepts or stories. It is true listening while leaving yourself out of the equation. I recognize that speaking out what I want is then either manifested or not. I want to create the world. I request of him to get his blanket for us to just lay for some more time in the courtyard for more grounding.

 

TLDR:

• Regular understanding that nothing makes sense or has meaning and that just oneself creates meaning is peanuts compared to direct recognition of complete meaninglessness.
  • One can imagine it, but it's more radical than anything because there are no memories to put no meaning into perspective and to create meaning of meaninglessness.
  • The recognition of radical meaninglessness is contingent on the death of the identity.
• All experience is only you. There is no other. Options are:

a) Everything you feel is the body. There’s an external world that is experienced through the body.

b) Everything you feel is the world being recognized as you. The screen of awareness is an illusion and that is recognized.

• Recognizing Infinity is just a matter of consciousness.
• All of reality is a play.
• No identity is true.
• Feeling oneself to be empty is also connected to thoughtlessness, presence and flowing into silence / infinity / timeless moment.

 

Listening to Leo's video of "Relative vs Absolute Truth" the day after helped tremendously to put the trip in perspective.

Edited July 14, 2021 by Loving Radiance

[Leo Gura]

Good work

A small taste of Infinity.