My pain My sadness

[Preety_India]

I want time to reflect on things that happened in my life that brought me so much pain and sadness.

I feel like existence is a strange punishment.

My heart has been hurt in so many different ways.

So many betrayals.

Can I take more ? 

 

[Preety_India]

 

One source of pain was my family. My  Dad. My cat 

The other sources were  my health issues and my exes.

And financial woes.

All of this creating a turbulent mix.

Certain things have haunted me. Especially my childhood.

Sadness. Loneliness. Pain 

Strong words with deep meaning.

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

But God creates something out of nothing, God draws good out of bad.

 

So maybe I can have some hope.

 

[Preety_India]

Im afraid of myself.

I really don't know when things went wrong 

 

When I will die, I will write on a piece of paper that I wasn't happy with this life.

I never signed up for this life 

I never wanted this world, this society, this family.

This just wasn't my thing.

 

I simply fit into this pathetic world.

I'm too tired of this all 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I have no idea when my mental health began to decline.

It happened somewhere in mid 2018 

This was the time I was having a lot of fights with Joseph.

I also had began fighting with my family at the same time.

It was really bad 

I didn't want my family back then.

The whole 2019 I avoided my family.

I was upset.

By January 2020, I was contacting my ex because I felt he really cared about me. I was lonely. I didn't want Joseph 

I was losing trust in Joseph.

My ex wasn't giving a positive response.

So I gave up 

That year I thought I needed money to move out 

But the news of Corona hit in March. And there was no chance of moving out because it was a tense lockdown 

I was even banned from going out 

This was throughout 2020.

It was a tense period 

I broke up with Joseph finally in late 2020 around November 

My mental health took a stab in December,I wasn't able to cope with the thought that Joseph had cheated on me. It was the most terrible feeling of betrayal.

I tried to gather myself by January and February.

That was my last attempt at piecing my bits together 

In March and April I began to feel better but the forum was a huge headache starting March 19, I remember the last week of March I was trying to socialize and the first week of April I had made some friends and for some time I was feeling better.

I don't remember the last week of April I guess I was upset and I was ill for some time.

I guess this is the time when the ex girlfriend of Joseph contacted me. 

The last week of April , I still don't remember, I guess I was stressed out for some reason.

Yea I remember the last week now.

I was attacked on the forum on April 25 and I distinctly remember coming very close to a seizure

I was about to have a seizure that day I was too stressed out..

I really wanted someone to talk to.

Then came more harassment.

Some forum member was constantly sending me abusive messages non stop from different accounts and this went on for 4 days and it had created tremendous stress because I was constantly blocking the member.

Then came the first week of May.. I was dealing with family issues again regarding rent payment.

I was falling short on payments and my financial situation was getting worse from that point 

Then came May 19 when I came across the news of the suicide of Soonhei.

I became despondent after hearing the news. It shook me and left me completely depressed. I couldn't believe what had happened.

I was crying and I had turned into a mess.

Then came the whole YouTube Adeptus thing and a huge fight followed.

Some members came after me after that incident.

That was the whole last week of  May.

I remember being extremely upset not knowing what was going on 

It was June and I had decided to leave the forum..

It was clear in my mind that it wasn't a good place to be 

Thats when I decided to connect online dating online 

An old friend contacted me. He was SKB 

I felt a sudden sense of joy 

This was June 11. 

I began writing about him extensively.

The last week of June was a happy one and I posted the thread that he called me stupid.

 

That probably was the last week of June. 

I was happy for a while.

And I don't remember much after that.

I guess I was more interested in religion after that point.

I was interested in Islam at that point.

I was learning about Islam in the last week of June and the beginning of July 

And the last 6 days were an utter nightmare.

I guess that's when I Turned to religion for peace

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Ok I'm trying to keep a track.

I started the journal "embracing Islam" on June 20 and my last entry was on July 4.

I wrote about Corpus Christi on July 5 and on the same day I wrote about "Feminism today."

I wrote  "studying Indian politics" regarding Hindu Muslim relations in India. This was on July 6.

This was just one day short of actor Dilip Kumar's passing which occurred on July 7 and I was shocked because his words were so close to my heart .

I had been binge watching his movies just a few days before the shocking news of his death. Pure coincidence 

I call it Synchronicity.

His death had shocked me. 

I started the journal about his life "Dilip Kumar passing" on July 7.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I started the journal about emotional Evolution on

 

I started the journal about 

[Preety_India]

 

 

I started the journal Corpus Christi / Corpus Domini on July 5

I started the journal How can I love my Father/Dad better ? On July 5.

I started the journal God's voice on July 4.

I started the journal Feminism today! On July 4.

I started the journal Emotional Evolution on July 5.

I started the journal Shrimad Bhagavad Gita/ Bhagwad Gita on July 5

I started the journal 

I started the journal Current status on July 6.

I started the journal What kind of people I get along with on July 6.

I started the journal The role of Psychotherapy on July 6. 

I started the journal Studying Indian Politics on July 6.

I started the journal Spiritual Resources on July 6.

I started the journal Dumping my negative emotions on July 7

I started the journal Medallions, symbols, chants, mantras, imagery on July 7

I started the journal What kind of partners I need to avoid on July 8

I started the journal  Dilip Kumar passing-7/7/2021- Earth/ INDIA in crisis on July 8

I started the journal Praying to God everyday for Freedom from Abuse on July 8

I started the journal India : Marvels & Mysteries on July 8

I started the journal The Greatness of Hinduism on July 8

I started the journal I want to meet God on July 9 

I started the journal My journey to freedom on July 10

I started the journal Hindi, sanskrit, urdu and arabic on July 10

I started the journal Anxiety washing over me on July 10

I started the journal Prayer for this world on July 11

I started the journal Random art for depression on July 11

.....................

I started the journal My pain My sadness on July 13

I started the journal 4 major insights on July 14

I started the journal Understanding Men on July 12

I started the journal Mysterious Religion (fictional writing) on July 14

I started the journal Ayahuasca Experience on July 14

I started the journal Preety Timeline on July 15

 

 

 

 

Edited July 15, 2021 by Preety_India