Can't Decide for 2 Years Whether to Break Up, It's Killing Me

[uriel]

In total, I've been with my girlfriend for 4 years. This woman is incredible. She's the most loving and supportive person I've ever met. 

For the past 2 years though, I've felt mostly unhappy, and I think the near-daily torture of questioning whether I should break up has contributed heavily.

 

The thing is, I've been full of doubt. Partly due to a mental illness that I've carried with me since my adolescence, severe obsessive-compulsive-disorder. It's ruined many things in my life and taken much from me. I just didn't want to see it potentially take something else from me. I'm in therapy with a good therapist for the OCD, a specialist, but I haven't seen much progress. 

 

The problem is, I don't know whether this questioning of the relationship is due to my mental illness, or whether it's due to my own inner voice. If it's the inner voice, then I should and will leave. But I always have that question 'but what it it's not?'

 

I used to feel so bright and full, with so many dreams. And now I feel mostly despair. 

 

Anyways, this is killing me. Can anyone please offer me any guidance? A resource? A book to read? Anything, on how to make big decisions.

 

Edited July 12, 2021 by uriel

[Iksander]

@uriel Sounds like your relationship is no longer facilitating your growth.

 

I had a similar situation a year or so ago, I wasn't depressed and I didn't have OCD (which I understand makes things tougher) but I broke up with the girl and my life is much better. You know in your gut when it's time to move on. The longer you leave it the harder it will get.

 

 

[Kalki Avatar]

You need to Calm down completely to see the situation correctly with full clarity and understand what is really happening. Then listen to your intuition and you will know what to do from that space. 

[Roy]

You've been mostly unhappy for years as you've put it, and are under "daily-torture". Yet you are still unsure about whether you should break up? Am I getting that right?

Those emotions and feelings you've been having are signals OF that inner voice dude! At some point you need to stop waiting to be satiated by your doubt going away and just make a decision.

Sometimes you have to pull the trigger on big decisions not knowing exactly where it will lead to. Time is a precious resource. Don't see it as "taking something away from you". See it as taking back control by radically changing your environment and relationships, so you can get back to that place where you're bright and full, with so many dreams.

If you're having that much consistent doubt about things over 2 years that goes beyond just your OCD. The answer is already there, you just haven't gotten past the fear to face it yet.

[Thunder Kiss]

What are you unhappy about? 

try practicing gratitude for what is, rather than constantly thinking about the future/past.  Is it your relationship that is making you unhappy or is it your restlessness and feeling lost/anxiety? When we feel unhappy within ourselves the ego will look outwards for problems.  

this is something I’m also working on, as someone with anxiety disorder and pessimistic outlook.  whether I’m in a relationship or not, I still feel unhappy at times, and it’s because I feel lost in life.  I’ve been going through identity crisis and worry about the future of my relationship and whether it’s right for me.  But even when I wasn’t in a relationship I was still having identity crisis, worrying about the future and feeling unhappy.  So it’s me who’s making me unhappy, not my relationship. 
(This Is to say you have no real problems going on and it’s not a toxic relationship) 

give yourself a break from constantly overthinking the relationship, and put those thoughts to something else (life purpose, self care, self love, travel) really look and see your girlfriend, pay attention to how much you have gone through together and the bond you have.  Communicate with her some of your feelings.  Probably the relationship is going through a ‘boring’ stage… maybe not much is happening.  This is a good time to put some energy back into it.  Spend some time together one on one and just talk about life.  

Edited July 13, 2021 by Thunder Kiss

[flowboy]

On 12/07/2021 at 10:41 AM, uriel said:

The thing is, I've been full of doubt. Partly due to a mental illness that I've carried with me since my adolescence, severe obsessive-compulsive-disorder. It's ruined many things in my life and taken much from me. I just didn't want to see it potentially take something else from me. I'm in therapy with a good therapist for the OCD, a specialist, but I haven't seen much progress. 

@uriel  I'm going to take a different position here than most answers so far. Don't break up, in your current state. Wait until your OCD has calmed down so much, and you are actually feeling calm and like you can see things clearly.

Don't ever make big life decisions from an unhappy, stressed state. No good decisions come from that.

Your most acute problem here is not your relationship with your girlfriend, it's the one with your therapist!

It's not working, so you need to try different things. A different therapist, if you have the option.

But also broaden your horizon of options you can explore.

Then, when it has calmed down, you'll know what to do.

Perhaps breaking up is the answer, perhaps not. But it's not fair to you or your partner to make that decision with a clouded mind.

 

 

As long as we're talking about additional options to improve your mental health situation, let me jump on my soapbox for a bit.

Watch this

 

[KaRzual]

@flowboy Quality answer as usual. I double that.

OP, in your first sentences you wrote:

On 12.07.2021 at 10:41 AM, uriel said:

This woman is incredible. She's the most loving and supportive person I've ever met. 

Work on yourself!

[Flowerfaeiry]

@uriel have you heard of rOCD? Relationship OCD. It's where you obsess about things regarding your partner. Including breaking up. There's a channel on YouTube called Awaken Into Love. It's run by a woman so you may feel differently watching it but she's got a TON of wisdom on there. Take a breath and focus on something other than your relationship for now. It may be that right now, you don't have the information you need one way or another. Message me if you have any questions. I went through this for many years in a couple relationships and it is paralyzing. 

[Elisabeth]

@uriel You say almost nothing about the relationship. That's unusual for a "I'm considering breakup" post. Just saying. 

Take a vacation alone. See if you miss her. 

[Chrissy From Philly]

Hi, new here. Have you talked to her about how you are feeling? Perhaps, you can get some insight on how she really feels as well. If she truly loves you, she would understand if the relationship was too much for your mental stability. Remember, if you do truly love her but you feel unhappy with the relationship, perhaps it best off you allow not only yourself but her as well an opportunity to try and find a partner equally invested in the relationship.  Good Luck 

[Nahm]

On 7/12/2021 at 4:41 AM, uriel said:

In total, I've been with my girlfriend for 4 years. This woman is incredible. She's the most loving and supportive person I've ever met. 

Clearly there is zero doubt bout her, given she is the most loving and supportive person in your frame of reference. No doubt there whatsoever, based on what’s said. 

Quote

For the past 2 years though, I've felt mostly unhappy, and I think the near-daily torture of questioning whether I should break up has contributed heavily.

The thing is, I've been full of doubt. Partly due to a mental illness that I've carried with me since my adolescence, severe obsessive-compulsive-disorder. It's ruined many things in my life and taken much from me. I just didn't want to see it potentially take something else from me. I'm in therapy with a good therapist for the OCD, a specialist, but I haven't seen much progress. 

The problem is, I don't know whether this questioning of the relationship is due to my mental illness, or whether it's due to my own inner voice. If it's the inner voice, then I should and will leave. But I always have that question 'but what it it's not?'

I used to feel so bright and full, with so many dreams. And now I feel mostly despair. 

Anyways, this is killing me. Can anyone please offer me any guidance? A resource? A book to read? Anything, on how to make big decisions.

Let the It vs Me narration like ... “it ruined many things in my life”, and “it has taken so much from me”, “it could potentially take something from me”, “my... mental illness”, “my inner voice”, “the inner voice”, “what if it’s not”, “this is killing me”. 

There are not two of you, a you and an “it”. “It” is you. 

Continuing to focus on these same thoughts, holding the same perspective, creates the same undesirable emotions. The resistance to focusing on what does feel good to you, is the resistance of letting go of what doesn’t. Expression is letting go. 

Express to / with your therapist about...
- the childhood event from which this began, how you felt, & how you feel. 
And or
- how your parent(s) were / are, and how you internalized it, identified with it. 
 

Of all the kids I’ve talked to with ocd, add, adhd, etc (hundreds) never one time ever has a single parent been willing to talk about there alcoholism, their temper, anger & rage, etc, etc. 

It ain’t your fault brother. Blame to express, let the scale & therapist help. 

WIshing you the absolute best. 

Outward orientation (“this is about her”) is projection, which is avoidance of feeling inwardly. Let go of this being about anyone else. This is between you and source, and Truth be told - YOU are the most incredible, loving and supportive one. There is truly no comparison. 

[Opo]

Dr. Mark Hyman talks a lot how ocd is caused by an unhealthy body. 

He doesn't have a specific video about it but when I typed his name and ocd this was the first thing that popped up. 

 

[uriel]

Hello everyone, I wanted to thank you all. It's very kind for you to have taken a bit of time to try to help me.

 

The responses here, including their variance, are a pretty good reflection of the state of my very own stream of consciousness. That's been the difficulty.

 

The only peace I've found is meditating myself into a sattvic state and living life from this.

 

I still hope though, that I can at some point become clear on this issue, both for her, and for myself. I think that the responses here are all high-quality perspectives, and having them here in this form will surely help me in my quest for clarity on this issue. Thank you.