How To Deny Someone Without Hurting Their Self-Esteem

[Gianna]

@Iksander

Oh wow this is beautiful!!! Thank you for sharing! That does help me actually a lot! 

[Iksander]

@Gianna Many girls act like bitches at first as a defense mechanism, and it's up to the guy to knock her bitch shield down and allow her to relax and have fun by making her laugh ect. (Or just walk away lol)

 

Other times a girl will like you straight away and be friendly

 

Both are fine

[Gianna]

@Lucas-fgm Very interesting! 

[CultivateLove]

2 hours ago, Gianna said:

2 hours ago, Iksander said:

@Gianna Make friends with women and you won't have this problem.

Is it bad to want masculine energy also in my life but as friends? Like wtf. 

No there's nothing wrong at all wanting friends of the opposite gender. Although, if you're a pretty girl, a lot of guys will try to weasel their way into your pants by acting like it's only platonic at first, then going for the shot. With those guys just set clear boundaries, if you want to do it without hurting them, just say something like "Sorry, I just have very specific criteria for what I want in a partner, which is probably why I'm still single, but you just don't fit those criteria, it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, it just means you're not my type, and I would really appreciate if you could respect that and just keep being friends". 

If they can't respect that, then do you really want them as a friend in the first place?

2 hours ago, Iksander said:

To be blunt, men want to fuck you not be your friend. We're designed that way.

"We're designed that way" is just a way to shoulder off all personal responsibility for your actions. "I'm sorry, I just can't resist my biological programming!" Herpdy. fucking. derp. Just jibberish and victim mentality. 

Edited July 12, 2021 by CultivateLove

[Gianna]

2 minutes ago, CultivateLove said:

"Sorry, I just have very specific criteria for what I want in a partner, which is probably why I'm still single, but you just don't fit those criteria, it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, it just means you're not my type, and I would really appreciate if you could respect that and just keep being friends".

Okay. This is exactly what I was looking for. So much love to you <3 

[CultivateLove]

@Gianna No problem, good luck!

[Preety_India]

7 minutes ago, CultivateLove said:

"Sorry, I just have very specific criteria for what I want in a partner, which is probably why I'm still single, but you just don't fit those criteria, it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, it just means you're not my type, and I would really appreciate if you could respect that and just keep being friends". 

I have problems with rejecting men, so this statement is really a great choice without feeling like I'm offending men 

Thanks for sharing 

 

[Eph75]

@Gianna

Learning to maintain healthy boundaries, both internal and external boundaries isn't the easiest thing to do, and it's often connected to one's own self-esteem, as already mentioned, wanting to please people, up-play others, down-playing self, for various reasons, related to that self-esteem.

Building ones ability to set boundaries is something that we have to learn to do in order to maintain self-respect and authenticity, and to do it in such a way that it doesn't become emotionally or energetically costly to us while doing so.

Saying "no" to something you don't want should be as second nature as saying "yes" to something you want. If it's not, it needs deliberate practice.

Maybe most important of all, while setting external boundaries, it takes directness and the minimizing of context and story as both context and story adds room for misinterpretation, at the same time as it dilutes the intended message.

If you end up fabricating elaborate ways to sugarcoat the message in order to not hurt someone, then you're in trouble.  It's not rude to communicate with clarity. I'd say it's more rude to be sugarcoating communication, making it unclear and potentially mislead someone through such vagueness. It's also wasting everybody's time.

From a more holistic perspective, we also also have to look at our own behaviors to see if we ourselves are sending mixed signals, unintentionally opening up for misinterpretation. Are there patterns? Are we sending mixed signals? Are we friendly in a way that unintentionally invites men towards more than just friends? This might not be the case, but warrants some thought.

Maintaining boundaries is just that, maintenance and needs to be consistent and clear, otherwise it creates discrepancies in others, leaving others  to sometimes interpreting signals as inviting and sometimes as rejection, subconsciously adding information that benefits and protects that other's self.

People, not only children, will try boundaries multiple times, such is just nature, and this is why directness and clarity is so important, so that the takeaway becomes increasingly direct and clear with each delivery, increasing the definition of the boundary.

Giving exact examples isn't a great idea, as it's about learning and learning isn't as efficient when using template behaviors or phrases, as it becomes more role-play than authentic self, and as the anxiety in the doing this is a significant part of that learning.

You did ask for some phrases though, and here's my take on it, with directness, clarity, respect, little-to-no room for misinterpretation and what three-step escalation could look like.

Of course these needs to be paired with follow-up statements as needed to reinforce the message depending on how it's received, while not getting into a discussion or an argument, since this isn't something that can be discussed, it's a one-way street.

First time:  "I sense that you are interested in me as more than just as a friend, and that's not something that I want, I just want to be friends, and I want you to respect that, otherwise we shouldn't hang out anymore, are you OK with that?" 

Second time: "You don't seem to respect that I only see you as a friend, I really need you to stop coming on to me, or else we need to stop seeing each other, OK?"

Third strike: "I'm sorry but we can't hang out anymore, you don't respect me only wanting you as a friend, goodbye"

If the message hasn't gotten through at this point then it makes little sense to keep in contact.

When delivering something like this, there's an obvious risk that things gets awkward afterwards, and the only thing you can do is to not add to that awkwardness yourself.

Edited July 12, 2021 by Eph75

[Jacob Morres]

i try to let them know it's more me and not them. and iterate to them that they are a good person and it has nothing to do with you. i once said it to a girl , with a really heartfelt response and she seemed to take it well and we remained friends after that. once a girl went absolutely off on me but like i was doing my best to remain kind and integrous. so just keep in mind their responses are somewhat out of your control but you can have some influence

Edited July 12, 2021 by Jacob Morres

[Iksander]

6 hours ago, CultivateLove said:

 

"We're designed that way" is just a way to shoulder off all personal responsibility for your actions. "I'm sorry, I just can't resist my biological programming!" Herpdy. fucking. derp. Just jibberish and victim mentality. 

Yeah. If you aren't mature enough to understand basic needs then that's your problem. Sex is a basic need. Try not eating for two week or shitting for two weeks. Sex is the same, it's a basic need. You also don't seem to understand what a victim mentality is. 

What personal responsibility am I shouldering off exactly? 

Edited July 12, 2021 by Iksander

[Bando]

@Gianna Be straight up if a guy wants to spend alone time with you and you think he might make a move make it clear you don't see him more than a friend and you appreciate his company but you could understand if he didnt want to continue your relationship.

If he's a man of weak character this will show it right then and there, but if he's like most dudes hell be understanding and move on.

[mandyjw]

In my experience the fear of hurting their feelings makes it worse, because you aren't relaxed enough to communicate well, honestly or authentically. That's all you can do and if you hurt their feelings anyway you have to realize that you do not have control over how they feel. This can be an opportunity for them to realize this as well, their happiness is not a result of you acting perfectly all the time. We do not want fake relationships with people based on avoiding hurting each other, we want honesty, we want vulnerability, we want the real thing. This goes for friendships and romances. Even if you oblige them by pretending to be kind and sensitive to their feelings, they will eventually become discontent and hate you for it anyway. Real love has a bigger vision than that. 

We live in a world that tells us happiness is found in things, circumstances and relationships. And yet we look to relationships to reeeally deliver this to us, when it reality all they can do at their best is break this illusion. It's both heartbreaking and beautifully healing. 

“Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along.” -Rumi

[NoSelfSelf]

Personally i want it straight to the point...tell me you dont like me,it will hurt a little but i wont waste my time,i had to learn all the ways girls reject you without telling you...because guys cant handle it...straight to the point approach ?...leading on is whats annoying as f ?

[mandyjw]

The other thing to pay attention to is that we aren't really considering their feelings, even if we think we are, we're actually just considering our own. We don't fear hurting them, we really fear that if we hurt them, we will be hurt too. We will feel bad about ourselves, we may lose the company of someone we really liked. Especially for women in worst case scenario, we may even put ourselves in a dangerous situation. Especially for women, the need to be liked can reach levels of paralyzing fear.

Once you realize that acting selflessly is inherently selfish, and start paying more attention to how YOU are feeling, we attract less of these situations. If we're too nice at the start because we need people to like us, we give people the wrong idea about our interest in them much more often. When you're authentically you it's its own reward within itself. ❤

[CultivateLove]

@Iksander By saying men and women can't be friends because "sex is a basic need" is just such a crazy thing to say that I actually find it more probable that you maybe meant something else and worded it clumsily. 

If you want to get further into this discussion then please just either confirm or deny that's what you actually believe.

[Gianna]

@Eph75 Wow, wow, wow. That was incredible!!! Thank you for taking the time to write that out. And that example is perfect. It really displays a directedness and a sense of respect. Much Love!!! 

10 hours ago, Eph75 said:

@Gianna

Learning to maintain healthy boundaries isn't the easiest thing to do... [it] is something that we have to learn

 

10 hours ago, Eph75 said:

it takes directness and the minimizing of context and story  as it dilutes the intended message.

 

 

1 hour ago, Lucas-fgm said:

needs to be consistent and clear... People, not only children, will try boundaries multiple times, such is just nature

[Gianna]

Quick update for you guys, today I told someone I knew was interested in dating that I was not interested in dating. Here is what I said, let me know what you guys think!! 

"I think you are super awesome but I am absolutely not interested in dating. I just want to focus on myself and be alone. I hope you understand." 

This was my second version. My first had way too much context and over-explanation haha 

Maybe this isn't perfect but I think it's a great step up for me. He even responded and said thank you for letting me know early on. I feel good. I'm growing. Haha. 

Edited July 12, 2021 by Gianna

[Gianna]

1 hour ago, mandyjw said:

acting selflessly is inherently selfish

I want to see the ways in which this applies to me because I am sure it does. I don't think I want attention. Attention can get annoying when you get it often enough. I tell myself (like I mentioned earlier in this thread) that I genuinely appreciate guys putting themselves out there– and I do. But it is not the same as wanting them to keep on trying. 

Maybe what it is, is that a ton of guys have shit-talked girls to me. Talking about how rude and inconsiderate and selfish they are. So I don't want to be that way. So maybe my selfish intent is wanting to be different by actually being kind to people? 

Edited July 12, 2021 by Gianna

[mandyjw]

30 minutes ago, Gianna said:

I want to see the ways in which this applies to me because I am sure it does. I don't think I want attention. Attention can get annoying when you get it often enough. I tell myself (like I mentioned earlier in this thread) that I genuinely appreciate guys putting themselves out there– and I do. But it is not the same as wanting them to keep on trying. 

Maybe what it is, is that a ton of guys have shit-talked girls to me. Talking about how rude and inconsiderate and selfish they are. So I don't want to be that way. So maybe my selfish intent is wanting to be different by actually being kind to people? 

Sorry, it was probably super confusing how I worded it. I don't mean that you're actually selfish, just that there is nothing selfish in knowing what you want and being clear about it. Ironically, wanting other people to feel great is selfish because it makes us feel great. No problem with this, but it's good to be conscious of it. 

Focus on what you DO want, not what you don't want. It's when we focus on what we do not want that we end up accidently creating it. So when we focus on feeling good and being around people feeling good, it's a very different thing than being afraid of hurting someone. 

By the way, this dynamic of not wanting to hurt people with your truth will follow you throughout life, outside of friendship and dating realms. It comes up when you're hiring or firing a contractor to do work for you, finding a daycare or babysitter, running a business, etc, etc.

[Gianna]

2 hours ago, mandyjw said:

I don't mean that you're actually selfish

Well, everyone's actions are inherently selfish, no? 

2 hours ago, mandyjw said:

there is nothing selfish in knowing what you want and being clear about it.

I need to remember this. 

 

2 hours ago, mandyjw said:

By the way, this dynamic of not wanting to hurt people with your truth will follow you throughout life, outside of friendship and dating realms. It comes up when you're hiring or firing a contractor to do work for you, finding a daycare or babysitter, running a business, etc, etc.

For whatever reason, I only have a problem with it when it comes to intimacy and relationships. In other sectors, I easily know and communicate my boundaries. 

Edited July 12, 2021 by Gianna