How Do You Treat Neediness? (co-dependency)

[Hira Athar]

 

@Irina Irina Hi.. I can completely relate with your situation and here I would like to share how..
The moment I started understand what life really is I found my parents in an abusive relationship (emotional and domestic). They finally separated when I was 16 years old. I spent all my childhood trying to make them understand and to love. My father was so busy in fighting that he never realized what impact it will make on his children. I grew up along with other 4 siblings starving for love and became a needy, codependent person myself. The good part is.. I realized that its fatal for my present and future relationships.. (from experience though..)

I appreciate you realizing that its the root cause. That was the first important step  Bravo! You did it all by yourself. You are brave and you need to learn to forgive and start loving yourself and it might take some time and it will definitely take some real time efforts.  

I have struggled all my life to forgive my father for whatever he did. I still struggle with that whenever a new situation arises. (as he hasn't changed much) 
It's traumatic for you too, I understand. 

You know what I think whenever I start to dwell on the past again? 

"Today I am what I am because of what I had to go through and I came out stronger and a sensitive human being who doesn't blame others and take full responsibility of her life and I am proud of myself"

I hope my experience helps you  

I would suggest you to read "why men love bitches" along with the books mentioned above. It helped me to understand how important it is to love yourself first before any relationship. 

Much Love
Hira

[FindingPeace]

It's interesting to see that most replies to the neediness issue revolve around finding the causes and making peace with the past. This is important but there is more to it. I see neediness as a lack of self-esteem and a lack of identity. Fundamentally people are very needy because they aren't taking responsibility for creating and shaping their own lives and are dependent on others to do this for them. This happens subconsciously, and many us have a degree of neediness and are probably not even aware of it.

The secret here is to focus on what these 'needs' are that you are trying to get fulfilled by other people. As Leo so well put it in several of his videos "There is nothing that another person can give you that you can't give yourself.". Neediness can come from a need for validation, approval, security, 'love', attention, lack of self-confidence, all manner of things. All of these things can be worked out of the system. Looking to your past helps to identify where it started but you need to identidy the actual effect of that past and the insecurities and needs that it has invoked within you.

When I have seen neediness in others I have seen people who don't appear to have a cohesive life structure when they are on their own. I beleive the thing to do is to create a life for yourself, that is secure and satisfying, independently of other people. That way your dependence on others will be reduced and you will be less needy for them to contribute to the life you have created for yourself.

As other people have said, learning to love yourself is very important. If you don't love yourself then you look to others to prove to you that you are lovable. Another cause of neediness.

An exercise I came up with to identify insecurities and needs it this:

You've just left a relationship and you're feeling needy. So sit down with a pen and paper and write down all the things you feel you have 'lost' now that the relatonship is over. Also write down all the things you crave from it, or another potential relationship. As you spend more time out of the relationship, perhaps spending time alone, write down how it feels. Any emptiness, or sadness, of fear, anxiety. Think about why you needed that relationship in the first place and how it made you feel while you were in it. Think about your expectations of relationships - what you expect from the relationships itself and from the other person specifically.

Now is the best time to do this because you are currently feeling the effects of it. This isn't an easy exercise because there will be deep, inner issues that you will need to find. We're not just talking the easy, off-the-cuff things that you can identify. Take time to really introspect about it.

In short, the easiest way to find out why you do something, or are a certain way, is to think about how it feels when that thing you do or are is taken away.

 

[Irina Irina]

@Hira Athar thanks for the book suggestion. I will definetely read it.

Well, my family situation was different, so subtle that I never even realized what was happening until I read a book and I could make some connections. My parents are still together, and very much in love. I always thought I had a healthy family, both of my parents always said how much they loved me, and support me in anything. So, in my mind I had the perfect childhood. I thought that I was born this way.

When I read this book, I noticed that my father actually was  verbally abusive to me. Not in some big ways. It was so suble, that I never realized  the unhealthy way in he treated me. So, he would say to  me that I am stupid, That I don't think, That I don't have brains, and than he would relax laugh, and say he loves me.  Also, I am skinny and always been, and he was calling me names and teasing me "in a loving way". So think I kinda associated mistreatment with love. I'm 24 now. I don't live with my parents. When I go home, ,I find it really uncomfortable, damaging, really upseting, it doesn't make me feel good. Now, I can see very clearly these unhealthy aspects. I was home in  winter, I was at the table with my mom, dad, and a friend of theirs and my father said I was stupid because I wanted a dog. I was so embarrassed, but it was so clearly to me now.  I stood up to my father, but it caused more damage to our relationship. I really got along well with him until 2 year ago.

 

Also I tried to recall  how was I feeling as a child when my father was home ( because he navigated, and he was home 2 weeks out of 4). And I remember I was really tensioned, frightened , and I would wish for him to go away at the job faster. 

My mother, I think is for sure a people pleaser. She always thought me to be a good girl, even when people do me wrong, I should forgive them. I do remember something very painful about my mother. She tied me up with a rope, and would give me food, I stayed there for hours, just like a dog.

I was an anxious child, and I was worrying a lot.

[Irina Irina]

@FindingPeace thanks.

Yeah, I have low self-esteem, and I am a people pleaser, I crave approval and validation. I will do the exercise and introspect.

Edited February 11, 2016 by Irina Irina

[FindingPeace]

2 hours ago, FindingPeace said:

An exercise I came up with to identify insecurities and needs it this:

You've just left a relationship and you're feeling needy. So sit down with a pen and paper and write down all the things you feel you have 'lost' now that the relatonship is over. Also write down all the things you crave from it, or another potential relationship. As you spend more time out of the relationship, perhaps spending time alone, write down how it feels. Any emptiness, or sadness, of fear, anxiety. Think about why you needed that relationship in the first place and how it made you feel while you were in it. Think about your expectations of relationships - what you expect from the relationships itself and from the other person specifically.

I meant to add that for each of the items you come up with, ask yourself if you need this thing, why you need it, and how you can work on it to satisfy it yourself. Just becomming aware of the insecurities, needs, wants, expectations will help you become more mindful of your motives and future interractions. But it is good to question these things too, and see where you can make healthy changes to alleviate the need for others to satisfy these things for you.

I have done this work on myself and it has given me several profound insights in to myself. This excercise also works for any areas in life where we have needs or dependencies on things - whether it's bad habits, friendships, jobs, whatever. By imagining loosing (or intentionally depriving ourselves of) something, the drives and motives bubble up to the surface through the negative thoughts and feelings that ensue.

[Irina Irina]

I will do this. The first thing that comes to mind is that when I was a child, maybe 7 years old I thought like this " When I grow up, I will have a boyfriend who loves me and I will be happy".. So it's a mindset that I've had ever since I was a child. Don't know why. 

I've been reading the book "The disease to please", and I found a lot of distructive mindsets that I have, and behaviours and the root of them. The book has some exercises I will commit to doing those. And all the suggestions you give me guys.

I've also watched Leo s video, about how to deal with negative emotions. I've never dealt with negative emotions, I've resisted them, turned them down, distracted myself, created stories in my head so I don't deal with them, run away from the problem, and never healed those wounds. I'm gonna try to let them, even though is so hard to feel the pain.

[Anicko]

The best way to stay in the moment- negative and positive - is to follow your feelings. "Why am I mad right now?", "What thought do I have right now that is making me uncomfortable?", "What about this situation is making me so happy?". Keep digging until you find the root. You might realize you think everyone is always judging you. Or that you can't do anything right. Or that you are afraid of losing control. Then you have the issue that needs to be addressed! It really truly works so much better than trying to avoid feeling bad. 

If you find it impossible to deal with in the moment, make note of the feeling and situation and bring it back into your mind when you feel ready to dig in! 

[Irina Irina]

great advice, thanks. 

[Empty]

On 10/2/2016 at 7:59 PM, Irina Irina said:

Thanks for your answer.... I've got some forgiving to do, and it's hard. I feel so attached to the negative feelings. Thanks.

 

On 10/2/2016 at 7:17 PM, Irina Irina said:

So, I just finished a relationship. Leo's videos really helped me to understand and see a bigger vision of what happenned and why. I started searching for answers in me, and looking for what might have pushed him away. A big problem that I identified is neediness. I am such a needy person, I need someone in my life, cannot be happy all by myself. I kinda feel like I need someone to hold me grounded, and tell me that I'm on track, and love me, and support me. I'm really afaid of being rejected. I'm really afraid of being alone, cause I think I lack my own guidance system.

I started looking for where my neediness problems come from, and I found some things. Most of them are from my childhood: like being insulted by my father, being criticized, competing for atention and loosing it, and other stuff. Many of those things left deep wounds in me, I would really love to heal and not carry those around anymore, because I'm messing with my life and with the people who matter to me.

My questions is:  how do I actually change those? Practically? Can I do something about it if it happened in my childhood?

Hi Irina. I think the best way to overcome those negative feelings is to practically write them down. If you have a thought like " I am not funny", write another one " I am funny" and whenever the thought of being not-funny comes to your minds. remember the other ones. This is also can be applied toanything negative thought you have. Negative thoughts generate negative feelings as Leo said in one  of his videos. I am actually workiing on some thoughts this year. It may take time, but you will overcome it for sure. For any further information, Read a book called Mind Power by John Kehoe. I believe it will help. You should also develop a habit of mindfullness and affirmation.  

I hope you get well

[Irina Irina]

thanks. Well, I'm doing affirmations, I've set one month at least to do them everyday. 

I hope I get some resolution, and move on, healed...Right now, I feel kinda stuck. But I'm sticking to my program, and some results must show.

[Irina Irina]

thanks to all

Edited February 12, 2016 by Irina Irina

[Elton]

enlightenment is a concept in which you are free from all thoughts of needing someone and something to fulfill you.  

[Kelley White]

  Poet.  Guilty as charged. LOL  Hey you get great peak experience.   Hahahahaha

On 2/10/2016 at 2:17 PM, ModernSage said:

Thank you @Kelley White

I really appreciate your comment.

The more creativity you use in dealing with your past the more likely the positive outcome.

Art is therapeutic and if we look at some of the greatest artists , painters, singers , they've transmuted the pain from the past and made it into songs, art, movies, plays, books.

I have been back at writing every day this week.  A first after the past six to eight months.  This has been a very helpful space for re centering and focusing me.  Thank you @ModernSage.  I appreciate your observation as well.   A favorite lecture of mine you might enjoy....

 

[Kelley White]

On 2/17/2016 at 1:51 AM, Elton said:

enlightenment is a concept in which you are free from all thoughts of needing someone and something to fulfill you

I find that an interesting story about "enlightenment."    Its like the minute you try to describe enlightenment you create a story about it?  

 

[Kelley White]

On 2/11/2016 at 10:54 PM, Hira Athar said:

"Today I am what I am because of what I had to go through and I came out stronger and a sensitive human being who doesn't blame others and take full responsibility of her life and I am proud of myself"

@Hira Athar THIS is huge!  Thank you for sharing a critical key to success on the path.