How Do You Treat Neediness? (co-dependency)

[Irina Irina]

So, I just finished a relationship. Leo's videos really helped me to understand and see a bigger vision of what happenned and why. I started searching for answers in me, and looking for what might have pushed him away. A big problem that I identified is neediness. I am such a needy person, I need someone in my life, cannot be happy all by myself. I kinda feel like I need someone to hold me grounded, and tell me that I'm on track, and love me, and support me. I'm really afaid of being rejected. I'm really afraid of being alone, cause I think I lack my own guidance system.

I started looking for where my neediness problems come from, and I found some things. Most of them are from my childhood: like being insulted by my father, being criticized, competing for atention and loosing it, and other stuff. Many of those things left deep wounds in me, I would really love to heal and not carry those around anymore, because I'm messing with my life and with the people who matter to me.

My questions is:  how do I actually change those? Practically? Can I do something about it if it happened in my childhood?

[Anicko]

You have to forgive and let go of the past. It's the only way to heal completely. It takes practice and work. You have to be willing to swim through your old pain, but it is so sweet to come out the other side. 

I would suggest perhaps finding some books or websites on codependency. It might be a place to start understanding why you do what you without realizing it. Best wishes! 

[Irina Irina]

Thanks for your answer.... I've got some forgiving to do, and it's hard. I feel so attached to the negative feelings. Thanks.

[Anicko]

It is hard! And I've had things that I thought I had dealt with come back up again  feeling bad as ever. So I do it again. And some of the big things I do think I finally let go. Time will tell, of course, but life is better. I feel better. That's enough for right now.  

[ModernSage]

You can definitely do something about your childhood. 

 

It's good that you are able to trace the root of the problem from the things you mentioned about your dad. 

 

One very useful book that you can read is called Reconciliation:  Healing the Inner Child by Thich Nhat Hanh. 

[Kelley White]

@Irina Irina Great question.

Quote

 

So, I just finished a relationship. Leo's videos really helped me to understand and see a bigger vision of what happenned and why. I started searching for answers in me, and looking for what might have pushed him away. A big problem that I identified is neediness. I am such a needy person, I need someone in my life, cannot be happy all by myself. I kinda feel like I need someone to hold me grounded, and tell me that I'm on track, and love me, and support me. I'm really afaid of being rejected. I'm really afraid of being alone, cause I think I lack my own guidance system.

I started looking for where my neediness problems come from, and I found some things. Most of them are from my childhood: like being insulted by my father, being criticized, competing for atention and loosing it, and other stuff. Many of those things left deep wounds in me, I would really love to heal and not carry those around anymore, because I'm messing with my life and with the people who matter to me.

My questions is:  how do I actually change those? Practically? Can I do something about it if it happened in my childhood?

 

 

  @Anicko, great answers.  
 

Quote

 

You have to forgive and let go of the past. It's the only way to heal completely. It takes practice and work. You have to be willing to swim through your old pain, but it is so sweet to come out the other side. 

I would suggest perhaps finding some books or websites on codependency. It might be a place to start understanding why you do what you without realizing it. Best wishes! 

 

Quote

It is hard! And I've had things that I thought I had dealt with come back up again  feeling bad as ever. So I do it again. And some of the big things I do think I finally let go. Time will tell, of course, but life is better. I feel better. That's enough for right now

 

I don't know if you have seen this video of Leo's on How to deal with negative emotions.... I  usually listen to it at least once a day as I am really working on core childhood traumas.    http://www.actualized.org/articles/how-to-deal-with-strong-negative-emotions

 

 

 

[ModernSage]

Another thing you can do is you can sit down in a quiet space by yourself and revisited all those memories by writing stream of consciousness about those events. 

 

it might take a while, but dedicate some time for this healing process. 

 

Then you take those pieces of paper that you wrote on and put your intention to let go of the past and forgive your father for example. 

 

You go to a safe place and you burn those pieces of paper. 

 

This way you are making the intangible tangible and then intangible again and you mind can simply let go of the past. 

I have tried it and it works for me  

 

Good luck!

[Irina Irina]

Thanks.  I'll try this.

[Kelley White]

24 minutes ago, ModernSage said:

Another thing you can do is you can sit down in a quiet space by yourself and revisited all those memories by writing stream of consciousness about those events. 

 

it might take a while, but dedicate some time for this healing process. 

 

Then you take those pieces of paper that you wrote on and put your intention to let go of the past and forgive your father for example. 

 

You go to a safe place and you burn those pieces of paper. 

 

This way you are making the intangible tangible and then intangible again and you mind can simply let go of the past. 

I have tried it and it works for me  

 

Good luck!

@ModernSage  Great!  I love that you add the turn around!  The positive intention. You can also get creative with it.  You can write poems, letters, great comment and insight that it takes dedication, time, and quiet.

[Kelley White]

31 minutes ago, ModernSage said:

One very useful book that you can read is called Reconciliation:  Healing the Inner Child by Thich Nhat Hanh.

   @ModernSage Great Book. 

[Irina Irina]

thanks a lot

[Ayla]

@Irina Irina ,

The "neediness" you are talking about is called co-dependency. The other answers already pointed to your childhood, which is indeed the place to start. Just keep in mind that Ego has a nasty way of keeping the problems alive, by holding you in the belief that there's a lot to dig and to heal. 

The best way to discover what your inner trauma is, is through relationships. The good thing is that it is right under your nose so that you can see what exactly is hurting you, the bad thing is that until they are not dealt with, they will keep coming back in different forms (persons). 

Look-up "co-dependancy" on youtube. 

 

[Irina Irina]

Thanks a lot. I already knew about codependency, but I lost track of it in time. Need to review.

And also, thanks for the reminder of the ego's part. I've lived my life, from the ego. It's so nasty and gross, and miserable. 

[Sarah Marie]

Check out the book "Co-dependency No More" and "Beyond Co-dependency"

[Irina Irina]

Thanks. I'll check it for sure. 

 

[Free Spirit]

I find if I can also keep my mind as much in the present moment as possible, then I'm not caught up so much in what's missing. The more I think of what I believe is missing, the worse I feel.

[Irina Irina]

I find that too. But I find it really hard to be present,  when I'm in a negative situation. My mind keeps going there, and it's really hard to be present with all the fears and insecurities. 

[Irina Irina]

O my god, so much support from you guys, and great advice. Thanks to you all. I feel better.

[Free Spirit]

Me too. This is one of the things in my life where I know I really have to be aware of where my thoughts are. If I find I'm in the past or future, or worrying about things excessively, I really do have to make an effort and move my thoughts to my breathe or to whatever I am doing.  For example if I'm driving the car and my thoughts wander, I bring them back to the music I'm playing, or the woman walking the dog on the sidewalk, etc.. and really take notice of something that is happening right now at this moment.

[ModernSage]

2 hours ago, Kelley White said:

@ModernSage  Great!  I love that you add the turn around!  The positive intention. You can also get creative with it.  You can write poems, letters, great comment and insight that it takes dedication, time, and quiet.

Thank you @Kelley White

I really appreciate your comment.

The more creativity you use in dealing with your past the more likely the positive outcome.

Art is therapeutic and if we look at some of the greatest artists , painters, singers , they've transmuted the pain from the past and made it into songs, art, movies, plays, books.