My journey. Journal. Sojourn.

[Willie]

Hi, I’m bad with titles! Or putting my thoughts out into the world, generally. So I usually resist it, and internalize. 

That means this is a new and different thing for me, and it might be terrible because why would I do something well on the first try?

That also means I’m not talkative and am socially awkward. I admit that I’m weird. That’s ok! Nothing weird about being weird, perfectly normal. But I care about how I’m perceived, and most people perceive me as weird. I therefore don’t go out of my way to engage people. I have a shitty defeatist attitude about it, really. People are more receptive to talking with people they can relate to, and I get that. But hardly anybody can relate to me, and vice versa. So, it’s like, why even bother? What is it about people that is so worth my time and effort anyway?

Well, life is about living. Having experiences, good and bad, and (hopefully) learning something from them. And through my life, I’ve learned that socializing is a painful and bad thing. Like willingly touching a hot stove. Here’s a simplistic depiction of what I’m on about: 

That is from a therapy website because I’m about ready to admit it’s a problem that needs correcting. Also, to go along with the shitty defeatist attitude, here’s another simplistic depiction: 
 

Not only am I awkward, I am avoidant. I resist talking with people and doing things. It leads to a limited experience of life, which leads to depression. At least, I think that’s how it works. But before I commit my time, effort, and money to admit I need professional help, I want to try this first. So if you’ve read all this, thank you! It was good to get it off of my chest, so to speak. If you feel so inclined, leave a reply and maybe we can make a conversation out of it. That also goes for other posts I add here later on.

[Applegarden8]

9 hours ago, Willie said:

Hi, I’m bad with titles! Or putting my thoughts out into the world, generally. So I usually resist it, and internalize. 

That means this is a new and different thing for me, and it might be terrible because why would I do something well on the first try?

That also means I’m not talkative and am socially awkward. I admit that I’m weird. That’s ok! Nothing weird about being weird, perfectly normal. But I care about how I’m perceived, and most people perceive me as weird. I therefore don’t go out of my way to engage people. I have a shitty defeatist attitude about it, really. People are more receptive to talking with people they can relate to, and I get that. But hardly anybody can relate to me, and vice versa. So, it’s like, why even bother? What is it about people that is so worth my time and effort anyway?

Well, life is about living. Having experiences, good and bad, and (hopefully) learning something from them. And through my life, I’ve learned that socializing is a painful and bad thing. Like willingly touching a hot stove. Here’s a simplistic depiction of what I’m on about: 

That is from a therapy website because I’m about ready to admit it’s a problem that needs correcting. Also, to go along with the shitty defeatist attitude, here’s another simplistic depiction: 
 

Not only am I awkward, I am avoidant. I resist talking with people and doing things. It leads to a limited experience of life, which leads to depression. At least, I think that’s how it works. But before I commit my time, effort, and money to admit I need professional help, I want to try this first. So if you’ve read all this, thank you! It was good to get it off of my chest, so to speak. If you feel so inclined, leave a reply and maybe we can make a conversation out of it. That also goes for other posts I add here later on.

Yes, I would like to talk but not publicly. I have similar problems. Are you a musician?

[Willie]

3 hours ago, Applegarden8 said:

Yes, I would like to talk but not publicly. I have similar problems. Are you a musician?

Sure, we can use messages if you want. The short answer is no, but I still have the instrument I played way back in school as a side hobby for the nostalgia. So I attempt to play a bit here and there.

[Willie]

Ok, so I did a thing earlier today that was pretty cool. It was a Kink Exploratorium which sampled different types of play for those who are curious. I watched everything that was going on and actively participated in half of them. Apparently, I’m pretty good with a whip? Which is cool. I had dulled knives dragged across my back, various electrical implements dragged across my arm, fire cups placed on my back, and was caned a bit. Shortly after I arrived, someone fainted at the needle booth. I’ve always been squeamish around needles, so I didn’t partake. There was also rope bondage, flogging, and hard body impact that I didn’t do. I’m glad I went, it was a good learning experience and a judgement free environment!

[Willie]

Life is quite a journey, huh?

My aunt’s journey ended this weekend. Apparently, it wasn’t the cancer she had. It was irreversible damage from the radiation treatments.

But my journey is still moving along. Today I went back to the same place that held the Kink Exploratorium and practiced my whip throwing and flogging. But I don’t have a whip, flogger, or kink partner yet. So, I made quick and cheap zip-tie floggers and used a 3 foot Ethernet cable for the whip. For the target, I strapped a pillow to the cross with bondage tape. It was fluffy and left very nice marks where I hit, so I could see what adjustments I needed to make in posture or strokes. It was also good for getting some aggression out of my system. You know, the whole ‘life’s not fair’ thing. My aunt was a great person who loved life and was never really unhappy as far as I could tell. Cancer was just a speed bump for her, and she seemed fully recovered until the past month or so. Regardless, it was nice to get some practice so if/when I do get a kink partner and stuff to play with, I’ll know what I’m doing. 

Also, after work Friday night I went back to the pool hall I like. I’m friends with one of the bartenders there, and she said last week was rough because her infant was sick. I feel bad for her. I think she’s doing the ‘single mother with multiple jobs’ thing to make ends meet. And she previously told me she has anxiety due to violence in her past. 

I figure that’s just her journey, though. I’m a good listener, and she likes talking to me. That seems to be good enough for her. And I do love playing pool!

[Willie]

I’ve been in a pretty bad headspace recently. My defeatist attitude has been kicking my ass, and the next wave of COVID infections/restrictions is looming.  yaaaaaaaaaaaaay ?

[Willie]

Ok. Well.

The past couple weeks for me have been mostly a bad headspace. The defeatist attitude of people not being worth my effort stops me from trying things. 

There’s a party happening this evening that has potential to either reverse or exacerbate that mindset. I’ve been looking forward to it for awhile, and I’m nervous and excited at the same time. 

It’s a BDSM party with 20 men and 20 women where male nudity is mandatory. And I think it’s the perfect example of a counter-intuitive move.

I’m terrible at meeting new people. I don’t fit stereotypes well, but you get fairly close if you just see me as a stereotypical shy, introverted loner. This party is not something I would do normally. 

But what better opportunity is there to just be myself and see who connects with that!? There’s nothing complicated about it. Just be open to new experiences.

I will update afterward. Hopefully only good news!

[Willie]

Alright, the update:

It was a success! I was really nervous and jittery at first, taking long, deep breaths to try and calm myself. And then I come to find out through the initial forced conversations that I certainly wasn’t the only socially awkward person there. For a few people, it was their first public kink event since March last year. So it was like being reintroduced to the art of peopling. And hey, some of us aren’t great at that. And that’s ok!

It was very liberating to know that it’s a shared experience. I’m used to being in a crowd feeling isolated, but that wasn’t the case here. 

And as a bonus, I was invited to another party tonight that I previously didn’t know about! So hooray for spontaneity and meeting even more people!