Dropping the shield; picking up the sword

[TKP]

I've decided to focus more on improving my social skills and dating life, which has been pretty sad in all honesty. I never pursue women and I do feel like I am missing something important in my life.

Even beyond improving my confidence with women, I'd like to break down my social inhibition. Since adolescence I have felt very vulnerable around strangers and it takes me a long time to open up around people and truly be authentic. I believe this shell came about from my experience as a kid where I had to go to a completely new school where I knew nobody and ended up being bullied because I was a weird kid. As far as school bullying tends to go, it wasn't really too rough but I've let that experience effect me a lot more than it should have (and for far too long). I tend to censor myself to avoid that same judgement of my character, but any fucking adult worth talking to isn't going to hate me for being interesting. It's about time I put in the work to actually believe this fact with my body and not just my thoughts.

I've noticed that any conversation I have with people I'm very close to, 99% of the time I don't think before I speak. I say what I want before I even know it. I want to reach this level of natural self-expression regardless of the environment. I want to drop my shield and master the sword.

[TKP]

Went out to a club last night with a friend who is actually a lot more shy than myself. I've just moved back to my hometown which is pretty small, but I was excited to see more of the nightlife. My goal was to approach at least one girl and make some new local friends, since all my good high-school friends have moved out of town. I had 4 drinks before hand, I feel like I could have had 1 less and been a little further out of my comfort zone. Definitely don't want to rely on alcohol.

I checked the place out, lowkey danced for a bit still feeling a little awkward. I then approached a few people just with the intention of warming up, basic conversation opening with "how's your night going" etc. Really wasn't being bold at all but I feel like somewhat established my presence at the venue by giving off friendly vibes.

I saw a girl on her phone and went for the approach but as soon as I got close she turned to talk to her friend. I just kept on walking past as I didn't feel confident enough to interrupt their conversation.

I went out the back to the smoker's spot with my friend and sat next to a guy who was on his own at a table. I explained how I had just moved back here and was keen to meet more people. I got his number so he can let me know whenever there's a house party on. I met another person in that area and also got his number for the same reason.

I danced with some guys that I knew from high-school who were with some girls. One of them was kinda cute so I approached. I felt confident but I opened with the same questions I had been asking everyone else, and she gave me short answers and didn't ask anything back. Short conversation. I should have persisted and lead the conversation with some more stimulating interaction.

Another much more attractive girl showed up. I stared at her for a bit trying to make eye contact but she didn't look in my direction, so I eventually just approached her anyway. I asked her "what's on your mind?" and she replied "you " and started grinding on me. Well that was fucking easy. I told her to follow me out the back because I need to talk to her, but she said she'd rather keep dancing. To be honest I felt a little uncomfortable with her dancing with me while both her and my friends were watching, there were a lot of eyes on me and I got a bit in my head about how I should act. We made out for a bit and I told her she's gorgeous. "I know". After dancing for couple more minutes she broke away to the other side of the circle. She kept looking at me and in hindsight I think she wanted me to chase her, but I didn't want to look too invested, needy or tryhard.

It was now 15 minutes from the venue closing, I left to go quickly find my friend without saying anything and thought I could come back and find her again. I left for what couldn't have been longer than 4 minutes, and then I saw her with another guy. Epic. Didn't see her again and then lights came on.

She was obviously just really horny and there wasn't much genuine attraction. I was a little bummed, but in all honesty this is the most intimate I've been with a girl for 3 years. I exceeded my own expectations. Made some new friends and had a great night. Massive confidence boost. Next time I'm going to drink less and try be a little more bold (making my intentions known from the very start).