Praying to God everyday for Freedom from Abuse

[Preety_India]

 I'm facing active abuse from my family and it's very difficult to open up about it. 

I kinda feel shameful to admit that my family is treating me worse than an animal.

And I don't have the resources to escape this situation.

So I'm stuck and trapped.

And my only solution is to pray to God to get me out of this.

I feel like the walls are closing in on me and my last option would be suicide to escape this horrible mental destruction I'm facing.

My mental state is declining everyday and my physical health is deteriorating rapidly 

 

I feel like I'm staring into darkness.

 

 

[Zeroguy]

What you want. 

Move away. You ha e to take action steps and nobody else. 

Abusive family. No contact. Solves all problems and it will get you healed from codependency and all the stuff. 

Take your life into your hands. You are your own savior. Hard to accept it but it true. 

I already told you feeding om emotions and constantly looking for such situations will not bring you good in life. 

[Preety_India]

@Zeroguy  I'm facing financial difficulties due to debt related issues..so it's tough for me to simply jump out of this situation. I'm trying to save as much money but the expenses are high. 

  I'm not able to save enough 

So I'm stuck. 

 

[Zeroguy]

Learn to  solve problems guy. 

How much you earn. How much is rented apartment and with rest you need to survive.

Time for math and a plan.

You will need calculate because you will have to give away some stuff. 

Still better then living in madness. 

Edited July 8, 2021 by Zeroguy

[Raphael]

Aside from money, what would you need?

[Preety_India]

@Raphael  I have severe social anxiety. So I rarely talk to people. I feel scared around people. 

So I work from home. 

I want Emotional support because I feel alone. I also suffer depression and suicidal ideation which is extremely difficult to remove from my head. I have been suicidal since I was a kid I used to see my parents fighting. It gave rise to anxiety disorder.

I have been on medication but the medication caused me heart rhythm problems so I stopped it. 

I suffered PTSD because of the beatings and mental abuse I received as a child. That's when suicidal feelings began 

I also started doing self harm. 

These days I have been able to control self harm behaviour significantly. 

But the feelings of suicide keep haunting me. I feel like death will bring freedom from a trapped life because I always felt trapped as a child

 My biggest desire was to not be born into that family. 

I wish one day I get freedom and then I will be a free bird at last. I try to think everday about it. Somehow I can be free from this family

.I feel very bad for my dad. He died. I feel like he died because he wanted freedom so bad that his body became sick spiritually and delivered freedom to him 

Last week my mother told .me - "why don't you just die because you are anyways a loser like your dad. And even if you don't die I'll kill you."

Since then I began getting nightmares and in those nightmares I see her strangling my neck while I'm asleep and trying to kill me and I wake up in deep fear shouting and screaming out of fear. 

I feel like her agenda is to handicap me for life so she can continue abusing and controlling me 

Because she wanted my dad to be sick and so he got sick..she used to deny him medication. 

When I was 14 I needed medication for my lung infection but she denied it .I needed money for medical help. I only needed $10. But she refused. My lung infection became worse and I suffered permanent lung injury and breathing problems. She denied me medical help many times because of which my health problems became much worse. 

I often get unconscious because of my breathing issues and I easily get tired if I have to walk.

I quit my previous job because it was a 9-5 job that made my breathing problem worse because it required traveling.

So I work from home. But she does not allow me to focus on work. She keeps harassing and bullying. 

Police will not do anything to her because police believe parents are like God in India.

I once told the police about her behaviour when I was 14 that she is abusing the whole family but the police told me that a mother can never abuse a child. They told me to go back to her

As a child I ran away from her many many times but everytime I was captured by police and sent back to live with her

I feel like she doesn't want me to leave her because she is an abuser. And she will do everything in her power to stop me from leaving. She likes the sense of power and control.

She also gave me death threats many times if I decided to leave.

In the year 2019 month of December  tried to leave after I collected my savings from my job and I got a place on rent. Then she came to the place. 

She went to police and made a false complaint against me that I'm not taking care of her and abandoning her. So the police came to my place and ordered me to go back to her or allow her to live with me or else they will send me to jail..

 

Because of her I started hating bossy women because bossy women are more dangerous then abusive men. Bossy women like her can make false complaints to police and put people in trouble. 

In India there are many privileges for parents. Parents are treated like Gods. There are no privileges for children. Many Indian parents treat children like bonded slaves. She is treating me like a slave. If I leave her, she tells me that I'll be in trouble. But once  I have enough money ,I will try to have enough courage to leave her cage she has created for me 

There are millions of children in India suffering child abuse. Many children commit suicide at the age of 14 because of parents abuse and torture. There is no justice. Police does not register a case against parents . They make it look like it's the fault of children to be so weak and commit suicide . It is not seen as a problem although the rate of teens and children committing suicide is increasing everyday but it is brushed under the carpet 

The concept of child abuse does not exist in India. The law exists but it's namesake law, there is no implementation.

There is rampant child abuse where parents beat children mercilessly. They pressure children psychologically and abuse them emotionally. 

If the child decides to leave then there is emotional blackmailing, threatening and police threats.

CPC or child protection service exists in America. But it doesn't exist in India. There are no foster homes.. either you live with abusive parents or you commit suicide if parents are bad 

Children who suffer child abuse are sent back to abusing parents.

When I was a child I complained to my teachers about child abuse but they didn't take it seriously. 

I hope no child is born to Indian parents 

If I ever decide to finally die, my last words will be a curse to a culture that tortures children and takes away their rights. If I die I won't die simply, I will write long letter explaining how child abuse ruined my whole life and the person who abused me will never rest in peace, I will seek justice even in death. My soul will keep seeking justice, my death won't be in vain.

We need a revolution in my country regarding abused children. Something has to happen. Somebody has to hear the screams of children crying in pain. Somebody has to bring justice to millions of children who suffer PTSD in my country the way I suffered, millions who committed suicide because they could not escape their parents evil torture. Maybe one day a revolution will come 

Parents who commit abuse belong in prison. They should not have the license to become parents in the first place. 

Indian parents are extremely controlling. This is already a known fact. But the problem is not limited to control.

There is blackmail, threatening, gaslighting, isolating, invalidation and the extreme form of this is harassment and physical violence. 

Even normal indian parents who don't beat are difficult to live with because they control every aspect of the child's life.

And the abusive ones are extremely hard to deal with. There the only way to deal is legal action to stop abuse/violence. But the court doesn't believe children/adults. The court always believes parents. The judgement is always in favor of parents even if parents are abusive 

 

 

 

 

I pray one day I get freedom from my horrible family and I get peace at last.

If I save enough money for next 3 years maybe I can get a place to live and I can have enough money to go to court if she makes threats or goes to police. So I'm focused on saving money but right now it's impossible to get freedom. 

She is very violent.

Last year I had an injury on my arm because she hit me so badly. She hit me with a bat. When I showed it to police, they told me that I'm making unnecessary drama. I was in hospital because I was not able to move my arm . It was very sad 

 

 

Edited July 8, 2021 by Preety_India

[Raphael]

@Preety_India

What work do you do? How much do you earn? What would be the minimum amount per month for you to get more freedom?

[Preety_India]

@Raphael  I can't write.my salary here.

But let's say I earn A amount. Then I need to be earning  6 times A to be able to afford living on my own 

 

 

[Raphael]

@Preety_India

Do you work for the local market?

[Raphael]

My previous question was maybe strange. My thought is that if you can work from home with locals, then you can also work with foreigners through a platform like Upwork. It could help you make more money than you are making and get more freedom.

Edited July 8, 2021 by Raphael

[Preety_India]

@Raphael thanks for the suggestion.

[Preety_India]

 

I'll keep working hard till the day I get freedom from all the abuse I suffered and keep suffering. 

Yesterday she slapped across my face when I left my room

 

Then at first it didn't feel anything. 

I have even lost my memory because of the stress. 

Next day I felt something  on my face. 

 

So I looked in the mirror and there was a bruise. 

Only later I realized she had put her nails into my face. 

Those nails  had created bruises on my face. 

I tried to push her off but  she gets monstrous energy in her arms. 

 

She held my arm and kept twisting it till I screamed very loudly. 

I pleaded her to leave me alone. 

Then she pushed me on the floor and left me. 

My whole body was bruised and I kept crying. 

I kept screaming that this  is domestic violence. 

Violence that I witnessed her doing to my dad when I was a child. 

 

Nobody ever did anything to her because she would threaten. 

I remember everyone being scared of her 

 

My dad had suffered in silence. 

 

She is very  strong.  I just cannot match her strength. 

Yesterday I told my neighbor that she hit me. 

They don't believe me even if I showed them my injuries on my arm. 

She looks old with grey hair  

They told me that it's not possible  for her to hit me. 

They asked me why I didn't hit her back. 

I told them that I just froze out of fear. 

I go into freeze mode every time she physically assaults me. 

It is impossible to think anything. 

I don't know if I can hit her because she can land me in jail. People will believe her but they won't believe me 

One thing she uses as a powerful weapon is tears.  

She will act like a monster with me but start crying like a feeble woman in public and I will watch helplessly because I'm the victim of her violence but she will pretend like she was the victim. 

This is her nature where she can quickly change from a violent monster to a hapless victim in seconds. 

What I suffered with her is plain narcissistic abuse 

Narcissists have a different face in public and a different face behind closed doors. 

She can swiftly make everything  work in her favor  

I try to fight back as much as possible. 

So far resisting her has worked. 

I'm trying to get rid of the fear she put in me since childhood. 

Every time I see her face,  I go into freeze mode. 

 

[Preety_India]

What she does can be categorized as follows

 

• Domestic violence 
• Physical assaults
• Criminal intimidation

She would have gone to prison long ago. 

But this is how toxic femininity  works I guess. 

 

 

I don't believe that she is inherently evil because there are moments where she will cry thinking about her childhood. 

But I think that there is a mixture of both evil and mental illness in her case that makes her abusive. 

 

I always feel like my dad never had the balls to stand up to her  

 

 

Edited July 9, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Anyway I just have to focus on leaving her somehow

 

But I'm always conflicted  between leaving her or being there for her. 

There are moments where I feel kindness for her and I think how lonely her days will be if I left her 

What if she needs my help?

What if she gets a heart attack and she is unable to call me?

 

Neighbors  won't check on her. 

 

We have some of the nastiest neighbors who only come for complaining but not for checking 

 

 

[Preety_India]

She has heart problems. 

I have heart problems too. 

Living with her since childhood and taking her abuse gave me heart issues as an adult 

I already congenital heart problems but they got severe after her abuse. 

Now I'm on heart medication. 

 

All the screaming is not good for my heart but in those moments when she is assaulting me I feel helpless. 

 

The only place where I feel a sense of peace is the internet  

Journaling helps me to go to a different world of exploration. 

 

Things I would have wanted to do in my life if I was financially  free. 

 

The last 3 years were a lot of financial issues piling up. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

She keeps talking about money all the time.

She resents that we are poor 

She is very greedy.

She wants more money even if she has enough for her survival.

But she keeps complaining how if I don't give her more money then I'm a worthless daughter 

 

I'm not her cash cow. I don't have enough money for my own needs 

Indian parents can literally harass and torture their children for money 

 

[Preety_India]

 So these are the text conversations between me and my brother. 

He is trying to help me but it's not working because my mother has threatened him as well. 

I kept telling him that whatever she has been doing is domestic abuse 

 I'm collecting evidence.  These  text messages are evidence on my phone.  If anything wrong happens  to me,  the police can investigate that my mother was behind this. 

. 

 

 

 

This is the stick she uses to beat me with.  This photo is evidence.  I stole the stick from her.  And I have kept it with me as evidence of her violence and beating. 

She got herself a new stick last month.  She brought a long wooden stick from the store. She disguises it as a tool for cleaning or moving.  But I know it's purpose. 

The purpose is to  scare me with it and beat me. 

This is  criminal intimidation.. 

And this stick is the evidence photo.  

I'll keep all of this on my phone in case.... If things go really wrong. 

 

Today after 6 months I opened my messenger and saw these  messages from my American ex who I broke up with.  It's Joseph  

 

 

He is trying to win me back.  He has left a ton of messages.  This is his last message. 

I'm in no mood to reply because I just want to forget him.  I find it difficult to forget him but finally I can. 

He treated me badly, cheated on me,  and emotionally  betrayed me,  his new girlfriend left him and now he wants me back. 

What a load  of crap??

Even if he might love me,  I don't trust his love. 

I didn't block him because I wanted him to say whatever he wanted to say

 

We had a 3-4 year relationship while I was in the US after which I returned back to  India. 

I will never forget him. 

 

I told him once that the day I die and the moment I die,  for one last time his name will be on my lips  because in my mind I considered him my true soulmate.  

He was everything to me.  The betrayal left me in a state of shock.. My only greatest love that I treasured ended in betrayal. 

I never loved a man the way I loved Joseph.  

I loved him like he was a part of my soul. 

But it was never meant to be 

So I will never go back to him. He tainted my pure love. 

I wanted his name on my grave,  or on my corpse. 

I used to call myself  Joseph Regina fondly when we were together.  I was so in love with his name that I wanted it next to my name. 

And he used to call me Regina fondly like a nickname. 

So I used to call myself Joseph Regina. 

 

[Preety_India]

I haven't replied to Joseph for months now.. 

 

I just don't feel like replying to him. 

 

I feel hurt and betrayed. 

My trust broken. My heart discarded. 

I still can't imagine he cheated on me when he always told me that I was the only one in his mind. He would tell me how wonderful I was etc etc etc. 

 

I don't believe his words anymore.  Those are empty  words meant to make me feel good.  True love is loyal. 

I never cheated on him. Such a thought wouldn't even enter my mind in a million years.  I worshipped the land he walked. I could not even think of another man, because to me love means loyalty 

 

 

 

[Eph75]

How far off are you to be able to pay for a monthly rent of a small apartment or a room with the salary that you make now?

Even if you have to live extremely frugally it sounds like you have to focus on getting out and distancing yourself from both the mental and physical abuse. 

I hope that you find a way. 

[Preety_India]

@Eph75 thank you. I'm trying. I pay half the rent currently so I can't save enough 

Plus I have to pay an old debt.

Once my debt is resolved and I save enough then I can think of what to do next.

The housing prices have steadily increased the past year.