What is the lesson?

[trenton]

I have some trauma which is contributing to negative values.  It is not nearly as serious as it once was, but it can still get better.  The scenario I will give you demonstrates the lessons which I have yet to learn and must learn in order to stop unnecessary emotional turmoil.  I am looking for a positive and empowering message.

This takes place all the way back in elementary school.  I was frequently verbally abused by the teachers and my mother noticed that I was more emotionally sensitive than most.  It is worth noting that I have autism and it contributes to abnormal behavior often assumed to be bad.

In one instance the children were being scolded again despite me being on my best behavior as usual.  I was often punished with the group.  I then had the thought that I can think what ever I want and nobody can hear me.  This leads to stirring ones own emotional state through negative thinking about others while ruminating about how they are mean to you. 

Later in life I continued to have self esteem issues in which I blamed myself for my uncontrollable emotional conflicts.  It is worth noting that it all stayed in my head but the dark thoughts would not stop.  Eventually it got to the point of suicidal thoughts.  In many situations I ended up feeling hurt and powerless.  If I find the appropriate lessons it would solve a significant chunk of emotional trauma experienced through my life.  My brother also has suicidal thoughts and he finds it very helpful when I share various coping mechanisms for weakening suicidal thoughts to the point that they don't bother me anymore.  We come from parents who beat each other and abused drugs if that is any indication.

I think it has to do with taking all of these things personally.  I could take verbal abuse, domestic abuse, my own emotional problems, and my sister who keeps attacking my moral character all personally.  When I do, I feel powerless, angry and prone to ruminating.  It would be liberating if I did not take these things personally.  It makes me want revenge when I do.  If I could let this all go I would not be stuck in my own world all the time and I would be far more peaceful, almost like that world did not exist.

[NoSelfSelf]

I understand you completely and what you going through because i had similar experiences ,if you want you can pm me with specific things you wanna know mybe i could shine some awareness ?

[trenton]

@NoSelfSelf By "pm" do you mean send private messages? 

[NoSelfSelf]

@trenton yes

[Eternal Unity]

@trenton Thank you for sharing. All your experiences forge your inner strength. The best is yet to come and I wish it for you soon

[Nahm]

The ‘lesson’ is that there is only now. Which is not really a ‘lesson’, just, what is, or, what’s actual, that which will never change, or most simply, you (minus the story about yourself, a past, & a future). The past is not what’s happening. Focus on thoughts about a past is what’s happening. 

The mind wander’s in avoidance of feeling. The bridge, or way this repeats, is believing the thoughts, specifically that the past is actual / happening. The other option is not avoiding feeling, but expressing it. 

Self Referential Thoughts.   ‘They’re’ about a you in a past. But you are presence. When they arise, focus on relaxing the body and breathing from the stomach. 

Expressive Journaling empties this discord out, and goodness fills you up. More thoughts never resolves more thoughts. 

Subject Object Thoughts.  They’re about there being two, which there isn’t. This is how one ‘runs from’ feeling... via thoughts feeling is separate, as in ‘yours’. 

 

These are good feeling ‘connective’ alternatives for focus (instead of thoughts about yourself being separate, in, of, or bound to a past.)

Grounding. 

Having An Inner Smile. 

Lovingkindness.

Seeing Yourself With Love.

 

*This is not clinical, medical or psychological advice from someone with a degree or any certification whatsoever.

**There is no implication intended here such that your experience is invalid or being denied. There is the intention here, the message, that you are not separate, and every thought which does not feel good to you, is a thought about that you are, separate. 

[Flowerfaeiry]

@trenton you're doing a really good job. Its normal to take those things personally and it doesn't mean you have a flaw. Try and do things you love. Nature helps to calm the mind as does exercise. Talking to someone can help you gain more coping skills too. Sorry you had to endure abuse like that. 

[trenton]

8 hours ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

@trenton you're doing a really good job. Its normal to take those things personally and it doesn't mean you have a flaw. Try and do things you love. Nature helps to calm the mind as does exercise. Talking to someone can help you gain more coping skills too. Sorry you had to endure abuse like that. 

@Flowerfaeiry I am definitely working on that.

One thing I notice is that if I focus to much on negative habits and why I have them, it tends to amplify these emotions without a clear reason as to their purpose.  I go on walks and play in a chess club now.  Sometimes we are better off over powering negative thinking and emotions with love.

I am here to learn other possible coping mechanisms which I have not applied.