My neighbors think I'm a bad person

[Gabith]

I was with a toxic person for 1 year, she manipulated and lied a lot but I didn't realize it quickly. I was naive and needy.

She no longer lives with me thankfully but she stayed on good terms with my neighbors and I know she told them lies to make me look bad.
Now whenever I try to show my neighbor a few text messages as proof that she is lying and show her everything she has been hiding from her, she always says "no I don't want to hear about it".

Yet she goes to see my ex from time to time and she believes everything she tells her about me. But when I explain to her that I have the evidence to prove that she is lying, she doesn't want to know anything!

The problem is not really there, the problem is that I realize that I often think about this during the day and I don't like the idea that my neighbors have a bad image of me and this impossibility to restore the truth.
I'm trying to do good and become better, more loving, less judgmental, and knowing that I'm being mistaken for the opposite undermines my morale

What can I do to remedy this internal dialogue please?

Edited July 6, 2021 by Gabith

[Snuitje]

@Gabith

4 minutes ago, Gabith said:

The problem is not really there, the problem is that I realize that I often think about this during the day and I don't like the idea that my neighbors have a bad image of me and this impossibility to restore the truth.

I'm trying* to do good and become better, more loving, less judgmental, and knowing that I'm being mistaken for the opposite undermines my morale

Why do you care so much that they either think bad or good about you? You don't know what they are thinking and it wont change anything even if you did.

Why do you have to prove that your ex lies and cheats to other people? Even if she did, it happend as it was supposed to and it cannot be changed (even if everyone agrees with you). Therefore you don't have to do anything really except to accept the situation and move on.

*Don't try stuff. You either do or you don't.

[Gabith]

Thank you it is very helpful. I'm gonna think about this

[Hap E-Boi]

I have encountered similar situations, there is a term for this. It's called "flying monkeys". It could be described as a "narcissist" using "empaths" to feed their feeling of control. This could also be worded as "stage red" in spiral dynamics using the higher 1 stages within tier 1 to feed their feeling of control. Parallels could be seen how Trump (stage red) uses stage blue and orange to win the elections.

I'd say not to try to prove anything, just live your own live, try to detach yourself from the judgement of the neighbors. You don't have to prove them anything, you don't have to prove yourself anything (in both the dualistic and non-dualistic sense).

Everything is alright the way it is.

Trying to control this is an ego behavior as well. Same source as where your ex toxicity comes from.

Let them think what think, let them say what they say.

You are a rock, you are consciousness.

You cannot be touched by this.

If you believe you can it may appear as this, but ultimately this is an illusion.

Don't react, it will feed the ego game. It will feed your ego. Play gray rock towards your neighbors and your ex might notice their source of narcissistic supply is running dry and moves on (to feed on your neighbors or somebody else).

[LastThursday]

1 hour ago, Gabith said:

Now whenever I try to show my neighbor a few text messages as proof that she is lying and show her everything she has been hiding from her, she always says "no I don't want to hear about it".

You have nothing to prove. Let people believe what they want to believe, you can't please everyone. In fact, just stop talking to the neighbour, that will give a stronger message. Obviously be civil, say "hi" if you bump into them but keep it to a minimum.

[Applegarden8]

3 hours ago, Gabith said:

I was with a toxic person for 1 year, she manipulated and lied a lot but I didn't realize it quickly. I was naive and needy.

She no longer lives with me thankfully but she stayed on good terms with my neighbors and I know she told them lies to make me look bad.
Now whenever I try to show my neighbor a few text messages as proof that she is lying and show her everything she has been hiding from her, she always says "no I don't want to hear about it".

Yet she goes to see my ex from time to time and she believes everything she tells her about me. But when I explain to her that I have the evidence to prove that she is lying, she doesn't want to know anything!

The problem is not really there, the problem is that I realize that I often think about this during the day and I don't like the idea that my neighbors have a bad image of me and this impossibility to restore the truth.
I'm trying to do good and become better, more loving, less judgmental, and knowing that I'm being mistaken for the opposite undermines my morale

What can I do to remedy this internal dialogue please?

Don't bother, no need to justify, if anything, go fall asleep, go do something you want to do. This is usually a problem, because of lack in direction in life or in trust with yourself. Some people will always think you are bad. Why do you want to have a good image in their eyes when they are probably full of self-hatred? They don't even like themselves, why be liked by them?

[Gabith]

@Applegarden8 So true, thank you!

[Gabith]

I Love Myself I love you all here