Unable To Cope With My Health Problems

[khalifa]

I feel like I'm backsliding like crazy ever since i got tinnitus last month, all my positive affirmations are dying slowly, I am unable to sleep well, I don't feel well rested after my sleep i just feel like complete crap, i stopped meditating as i fear it may increases my tinnitus duration due to keeping the brain healthy which in order leaves the tinnitus longer.

The reason i got tinnitus is due to brain supplementing on nootropics, which probably grew some auditory neurons which is a form of brain malfunction. I'm just waiting it out as it dies. No idea how long it takes to die according to the ENTP specialist that checked my ears and gave me a full pitch test check, She said my ears are completely fine with no damage whatsoever.

I feel like i shot myself in the foot even though I've researched the supplements for months before taking them. Guess my genetics weren't compatible.

Not only that but i also messed up my liver/kidney/intestine got myself Hemorrhoids by overdosing on black cumin for months.. (i thought i was on a safe dose but i wasn't) + I'm deficient on vitamin d, got high cholesterol due to eating 4 eggs a day and i'm allergic to sleeping drugs as i my body can't handle them for some reason, they cause me to feel like i'm about to experience a heart attack as blood doesn't flow quite well with them. I barely get any sleep at night it sucks.

I've been feeling suicidal lately which is something i never saw coming, I always thought i found a reason at life once i was self actualizing on my journey trying to get optimal results in my life in every way  although by being extra health conscious which backfired due to bad judgements on bio hacking really fucked me beyond my expectations.

I've cycled to leo's free content 3 times,  I've recently got several self help books too 15+, Bought the life purpose course which i can't really partake in due to university right now and as well as the tinnitus is causing me to not have a proper clean mind state, Maybe i'm just playing the victim again as i'm not really taking responsibilities in my life blaming my crappy health which i caused. I really feel lost slightly..

 

I guess i just have to keep positive and keep going as worrying or fearing won't really help me now will it.

 

 

[Schulzy]

Damn thats alot of stuff.

Well first of all, nootropics related tinnitus, its probably going to go away soon, its not like you will have it your whole life.

Also really bad luck with black cumin but you will get better.

Get some Vitamin D/D/C supplements instead of nootropics and black cumin.

Meditation can help with sleeping, no need for drugs.

There is no reason to be suicidal because of this man   You will get better, just learn from your mistakes.

Self actualization doesnt mean killing yourself whenever you fail, you just move on and keep building yourself up.

Yes you should always take responsibility for what happends, dont play a victim. Keep up the positive attitude. 

[khalifa]

I just want my health back.

This sucks i feel like crap all day, I feel like i'm in a different body compared to the past, How long is this going to last..? I just want this tinnitus to go away.. I just want to sleep in peace without hearing 5 different tones constantly being there. I just want to meditate in peace with more mental clarity then observing an ego that's always sleep deprived, sad and annoyed about his health. I wish the internal bleeding would stop, I'm tired of daily pooping blood and feeling cold and fatigued the whole day.. due to blood loss, I guess it's going to be permanent as i've been feeling like crap for months now.. I really hope it's temporary, I hope this body somehow manages to patch things up. I just just wish for my average health that i've had.. I just found a reason to live last year and now it's already taken away from me due to my health. I wouldn't mind it if i had no reason to live but having a sudden sense of wanting to live for the goal that i've set to myself and falling into illness is just absurd timing ironically.

 

I miss the feeling of how it felt liking like while holding a map knowing where i want to go in life. As i began explore deep into self help content. But it's just insanely hard to do anything at this point that i just feel like suiciding at this point. I feel so weak I miss my most basic physiology need. I really miss sleeping in peace. I miss reading going through a book in a day. I miss binging 8~12hours of Leo audio at the weekends. I miss determination sitting. that last for 16 hours. I miss so much of it. I feel like i lost a lot of power and i am no longer taming the ego as it just isn't equipped with being more aware anymore as it just keeps whining like a victim that wants it's sleep and average health back.

[jse]

Khalifa, my heart goes out to you in this painful time.

Hang in there, because this suffering is definitely temporary.  You will rise from this dark hour and shine like a star.

"It is always darkest just before the Day dawneth"

 

[khalifa]

@jse All i have right now is confusion as my brain just comprehends life really slow compared to the past as there's very low mental clarity, I have days where i sleep 2-3hours. I have days where i sleep 4 or 5. I have days where i'm just wide awake all night and i may drop asleep for an hour or 2. I have difficulty speaking. I have difficulty understanding. I can't even find the words while in a conversation. I can't express myself neither can i understand or solve things at times, My thought process stutters. I just have major brain fog most of the day. I just really don't see how I'll ever shine out of this. I feel like my brains burning. I don't feel good, all i feel like i am just a whining kid that's fatigued and can't rest.

Thank you for your kind words either way it made me smile and i hope it's temporary even if it's not it won't be so bad as i don't really exist do i.

[jse]

@khalifa , we may not exist, but we still feel the pain as real as anything in this life.  Hang in there, buddy - the suffering will pass for sure, hopefully sooner than later.

[Arman]

14 minutes ago, khalifa said:

@jse All i have right now is confusion as my brain just comprehends life really slow compared to the past as there's very low mental clarity, I have days where i sleep 2-3hours. I have days where i sleep 4 or 5. I have days where i'm just wide awake all night and i may drop asleep for an hour or 2. I have difficulty speaking. I have difficulty understanding. I can't even find the words while in a conversation. I can't express myself neither can i understand or solve things at times, My thought process stutters. I just have major brain fog most of the day. I just really don't see how I'll ever shine out of this. I feel like my brains burning. I don't feel good, all i feel like i am just a whining kid that's fatigued and can't rest.

Thank you for your kind words either way it made me smile and i hope it's temporary even if it's not it won't be so bad as i don't really exist do i.

I had all these symptoms a few years back. I took an analogue ayahuasca and had what an adverse reaction. I relate with the brain fog, fatigue and difficulty sleeping, understanding and talking. I remember I would mistype words all the time kind of like a phones auto-correct does and it picks a random word. I'd want to type "I'll see you at the park" for instance and i'd end up writing "I'll see you at the flower" because my brain mixed up related words. The fog really sucked. It was emotionally and physically strenuous. The memory problems made life difficult. Take my word for it when I tell you it was likely just as bad as what you're going through. 

The good news is that the brain and body recover remarkably. For me most of the serious symptoms cleared up within the first 6 months to a year. I suspect yours will probably be quicker. I relate to when you say "I just really don't see how I'll ever shine out of this" because it feels like so much damage is done that it's difficult to imagine if you'll ever be as sharp, energized and happy as you were. The truth is you will far exceed those levels and be happier and healthier then ever, in time. I believe these experiences are supposed to happen. They are supposed to feel like back sliding, it is just part of the process. 

Your body is far more resilient, responsive and powerful then you are giving credit for. From the tone of your initial post it seems you are deeply invested in the story of these external things like food and supplements as being responsible for everything you're going through. I don't wish to negate your experience but it's not useful to focus on these stories. Besides you can never fully know why you're going through what you're going through. Don't fall into the self perpetuating victim belief that poor little you has bad luck and everything is just going to spiral downwards because you wanted to improve yourself yet only made these things. Was it out of the belief that there was something wrong with you in the first place that you sought these things? Perhaps it only reinforced the idea that something is wrong. I also suggest you drop the affirmations. Affirmations are generally not necessarily that helpful and require the right frame to be useful. Otherwise they continue to reinforce the idea that there is a problem. You can say 'I am happy, I am healthy' - but does someone who is happy and healthy use affirmations? No, they wouldn't need to. I suggest you replace your affirmation practice with the simpler practice of gratitude for the things that you still have. Anyway just some food for thought there...

The main thing is please know that all that is needed is patience, basic good diet, staying hydrated and basic exercise. Even these things aren't necessary, but help the process. Experiences like this make us stronger. It is time to use this as an opportunity to be grounded, healthy, and happy, regardless of what your external experience is telling you. That is the way that you will shift your physical reality - but aligning inwards with well-being, regardless of what your previous identity was. If you can take small steps to be happy and tranquil as life is now, then how powerful will that 'skill' be when you are healthy and happy again? You will know that it doesn't matter what your body and environment is like, that from your center of awareness it is like being in the eye of the storm and you can move from victim-hood to being empowered. 

Take it one day at a time brother. Wishing you the best. 

[jse]

@khalifa , watch this illuminating TED talk when you can:

Depression is a disease of civilization

[khalifa]

@jse

I've been doing everything on this video up till late December, I've stopped exercising since i got hit by a car as i walked down the street, and i've still got this pain in my left leg, Thought i'd let it rest although the pain goes and comes randomly. I don't mind living with it although the problem being always positive is difficult with common brain fog through out the day,  it's really hard to tame my head to be positive all the time as the mental clarity isn't there. My awareness It just dies when i don't see any results and i get agitated and annoyed when i don't get any sleep quality. I wake up several times a night even when i just start to dose off. It feels terrible..

Thanks for the vid, i Know i'm still whining but i'll give it a try i'll try to be more positive and practice healthy habits. Time probably heals everything i'll get used to it eventually. I feel like my ego is not getting over it i'm not accepting it which is probably i can't get any rest as i want my health back instead of adapting through with the brain fog and no sleep or low sleep intake.

[Toby]

Go to a good acupuncture doctor/practitioner. It helped me several times a great deal regarding tinnitus (it didn't go away but was decreased by 90%). It also might be good for relaxation and sleeping. And also, when you are more relaxed you tend not to give tinnutus that much attention. It's there but it's not a problem anymore.

Edited January 28, 2017 by Toby

[mostly harmless]

My body is 40. People typically think I must be about 25-28 years old. I never took supplements. I haven't eaten meat for over 20 years. I don't smoke, no alcohol or other drugs. I don't drink soft drinks –too unhealthy. I ate lots of vegetables, try to drink vegetable juice every day. Longer periods with very low calorie intake. I eat 2 meals a day. Sometimes I think 1 meal a day would be enough. Did lots of sports.

Since I have been living on a vegan diet for many years, lately I added cheese and rarely I eat fish (so I couldn't call myself vegan or vegetarian), I had a deficiency in Vitamin B12. I have now added B12 (plus other B vitamins), D3, and a roundup of basic vitamins and minerals. It's the mainstream stuff. No Resveratrol etc. I am cautious that I stay within the official guidelines of daily needs. Some supplements you cannot overdose on, but some can be harmful. I take nothing that I haven't researched on official sites.

My point is that you can have a very healthy body without extravagant supplement intake. 

In general, I assume you might be on a path that is stressing you out. In that sense you could take your current body reaction as a warning. Why are you trying to optimize yourself. What you are doing is basically applying the principle of the current economic system to yourself. If you want to ever be truly happy, you cannot achieve this by optimizing your performance in life. I think that having goals and investing effort into reaching them, and enjoying the struggle, that's all fine. But if you make this the main objective in life then this might be a misunderstanding and it might ultimately make you miserable. If you want to be happy, then you need to practice being happy with whatever life gives you now. Because that is everything that you will ever get. We all (me included) have the idea that when we reach that one goal, then we will be happy. But the inconvenient truth is, whatever your goal, when you reach it, it will become boring within days and will be replaced with another. And happiness will not ensue. Never.

The only way out: To be happy now. However insufficient you think your life is now, it is life. Most people who have ever been born are not alive anymore. You're alive. If you're 'stuck in the mud', in pain, have Tinnitus, you're still alive. That alone is pretty cool. I know that it is easier said than done. I do struggle with this a lot. But I don't see any other way. Otherwise you will be eternally stuck in a hamster wheel, you will never feel good enough and life will never be good enough. 

I'd say, listen to your body. Take only a safe minimum of supplements or none at all. Eat healthy and do sports instead. My personal estimation of supplements is that many scientists and doctors are idiots just as the rest of society. What they say is a working hypothesis that may or may not be correct. Supplements are a big market so that is also a reason to knowingly mislead people. Think of all the crap that is sold to body builders.  I am very restrained with supplements and it appeared to have served me, mostly. I should have taken B12 earlier though, and where I live D vitamin also makes a lot of sense.

In general I prefer to get nutrients via food, not pills. When I heard that cumin is healthy, I thought I should eat more curries now. Pills focus only on a limited number of substances while there are thousands of unresearched substances in vegetables and fruit. Before Resveratrol was found to be healthy, you wouldn't have known it. It wasn't available in shops. But if you have liked and eaten grapes 50 years ago, you would have gotten the benefits. How many healthy substances are there in vegetables and fruit that are not researched and therefore not available as supplements? By getting the veggie food you get it all. And it is impossible to overdose, unless you have some medical condition. 

Do some research about tinnitus. Drink water a lot. There are also therapies where you go into a chamber with 100% oxygen for a while... If I recall correctly, treatment of tinnitus is time critical (= the more quickly you act the more likely any therapy can be effective).

Best of luck!

Edited February 1, 2017 by mostly harmless