I wish to feel self complete without needing to be in a relationship

[aghost]

    Sometime ago I ve met a person that I really liked and got rejected. We ve decided to remain friends but I havent got over it. I still had strong feelings. Then he got into a relationship and felt heartbroken.
  
 The neediness makes me feel weak and creates many unnecessary problems and suffering.
 
   My ideal is to be detached but still loving, I want the love to come from within not from people and external things.
    Right now I m far from it.
   
I guess the solution is more self love and acceptance or shadow work. 

Do you have any advice? 

 

[RendHeaven]

43 minutes ago, aghost said:

I guess the solution is more self love and acceptance or shadow work. 

[LastThursday]

5 hours ago, aghost said:

The neediness makes me feel weak and creates many unnecessary problems and suffering.

What do you need? A man, a relationship, the love from a relationship, not to be alone, something else?

[Chew211]

According to psychoanalysis incompleteness is par for the course as a human being. Subjectivity emerges from incompleteness and our drive to complete ourselves. In a way, we are already complete, just not aware of it. Complete in our incompleteness. Weather you're in a relationship or not, you'll still feel incomplete. 

 

Once you're complete, you're pretty much an object. 

 

(I know this perspective isn't seen on this forum a lot, but that's why I'm here xD)

My advice is to go after your desires instead of doing some form of mental masturbation cope to "be fine as you are."

I don't think we're here to just be. We aren't rocks or trees. We're here to act on the world, to create, to destroy, whatever the case may be, to move things. 

[Tangerinedream]

8 minutes ago, Chew211 said:

My advice is to go after your desires instead of doing some form of mental masturbation cope to "be fine as you are."

Agree.  If you supress or try and ignore your needs you will constantly be searching foe that certain missing piece.  
The more you meet your needs, the less you need them. 
 

@aghost the issue here is incompatiblity. This particular guy couldn’t meet you needs for whatever reason, this doesn’t mean you should force yourself to be detached.  It just means you should partner with someone who can meet your needs. Being able to meet another’s needs takes emotional strength and a secure attachment style.  Some people are simply not ready for this at that time of their life.  

[Leo Gura]

6 hours ago, aghost said:

Do you have any advice?

Consummate your relationship with God, and you will get your wish.

[aghost]

1 hour ago, LastThursday said:

What do you need? A man, a relationship, the love from a relationship, not to be alone, something else?

I need the love from a relationship, not the relationship. 

[aghost]

54 minutes ago, Tangerinedream said:

Agree.  If you supress or try and ignore your needs you will constantly be searching foe that certain missing piece.  
The more you meet your needs, the less you need them. 
 

@aghost the issue here is incompatiblity. This particular guy couldn’t meet you needs for whatever reason, this doesn’t mean you should force yourself to be detached.  It just means you should partner with someone who can meet your needs. Being able to meet another’s needs takes emotional strength and a secure attachment style.  Some people are simply not ready for this at that time of their life.  

I see, thank you. 

[aghost]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

Consummate your relationship with God, and you will get your wish.

Until I get there will go through a challenging journey.

I want to work on deconstructing my ego and raising my awareness. Is the most difficult and rewarding work I ever done.

Edited July 6, 2021 by aghost

[Nahm]

A subtle assumptive belief lies beneath ‘I wish to feel self complete without needing to be in a relationship’, which is ‘I am not complete already’. 

Seeking, awakening, being, I get it. Inspecting what is actual isn’t the same sentiment or orientation as wishing for it. A mantra of ‘I don’t know anything’, ‘I have literally no idea what could happen five seconds from now’,  is more aligned than wishing for love. Allow, give love the space to arise. The space where thoughts & beliefs once seemed to be. 

7 hours ago, aghost said:

 Sometime ago I ve met a person that I really liked and got rejected. We ve decided to remain friends but I havent got over it. I still had strong feelings. Then he got into a relationship and felt heartbroken.

Honor your own preferences in the self respect sense. Feel into how it feels when you do. 

Experience of ‘really liked’... no suffering, feels great to really like. Experience of ‘they preferred someone / something else’...no suffering, feels great to know more acutely what you prefer. I was rejected... suffering via identifying by experience, while in truth you are being experience, so this will feel naturally discordant with what is actual & true, which again, can be inspected & realized. This would surely mean taking focus off of any thoughts which feels discordant, or put another way, listening to the sensational guidance which intrinsically is leading ‘you’ to the truth that ‘it’, is. Don’t ignore feeling to believe thoughts about yourself. They aren’t true, they’re thoughts. Like a lamp, or a tree... ‘who’s truth is never in question... they are just a lamp and a tree. 

Quote

The neediness makes me feel weak and creates many unnecessary problems and suffering.

For clarity, actually attempt to point to the neediness, which articulated as if separate, and attributed with  ‘making you feel weak’, and thus ‘creates your problems & suffering’. 

To begin to consider you are focusing on a an untrue thought, and thus creating the emotional experience of neediness, or, discord with truth, by identifying as the one who has that past, and also by identifying as the one who was rejected, is to begin to open the third (not two, nondual) ‘eye’. One aware suffering is an experience one creates or not is one aware one is creating, and is one ‘for whom’ naturally focus is give to that which one prefers, to create.  If you hold the belief you were rejected, you will continue to experience that. If you let it go, you won’t. You’ll experience instead, what you are focused upon. Try to point to the past. Freedom. 

Quote

My ideal is to be detached but still loving, I want the love to come from within not from people and external things. Right now I m far from it. I guess the solution is more self love and acceptance or shadow work. Do you have any advice? 

Detachment from thoughts, aka meditation, yes. ‘Wanting the love to come’, no. Let that sublet believing / thought story go, so love can self-realize in, as and of the ‘emptied cup’. If you hold love in mind to be separate, such that it could come to you, you will continue to experience precisely that. Love does not know a you, and thus could never find you. Love does not know a ‘there’ by which ‘it’ could find ‘you’.  Love is eternally patient, and infinitely un-out-smart-able. 

As you repeat these mantras you create & recreate now, and only ever now - such as ‘right now I am far from it’, so shall it be, as love is truly unconditional. You say it he’s so, and it is. 

Expedite via expression of love, create a million ways love may pour through an empty ‘shell’, and love will pour through. Experience can be no other way, as experience is made of no thing. 

[LastThursday]

47 minutes ago, aghost said:

I need the love from a relationship, not the relationship. 

Ah yes, love. We all need love me included. It's not a bad need to have, but it is a need that never seems satisfied. There are so many ways to trigger it within yourself. Where we go wrong is to think too narrow: "I will only feel love in a relationship with this particular person". Love is everywhere in many different forms.

[RendHeaven]

2 hours ago, Loving Radiance said:

@Nahm

lmao you summoned the great one with a single word

[Loving Radiance]

@RendHeaven Well, what can I say, this topic is a juicy one.

[Superfluo]

@aghost Love is an intention, not an action. Love can be baked into an action (i.e. an action can be loving), but love is not something you receive. You can still see, feel and recognize the love behind an action, which is you giving yourself unconscious/conscious permission to open yourself to Love.

You want a relationship because a relationship fulfills some of your needs: connection, intimacy, being heard/felt/seen/understood, sex, unity, support, self-esteem, approval, removal of social pressure, certainty, stability, growth, not being (or feeling) lonely, being touched and touching someone else, etc.

Try Inner Child Work to mitigate your needs and come closer to yourself.

[aghost]

3 hours ago, Superfluo said:

@aghost

Try Inner Child Work to mitigate your needs and come closer to yourself.

Thanks, i will. 

[Axiomatic]

learn to suck yourself off to completion then. problem solved