Chasing after the real life guy i dreamed with. Follow the signals??

[ertopolice]

Hello all..

 

Well, let¡s get this easy to read..:D

Ok. Some months ago and fue to my lack of social circle i decide to cold approach or interact with as many interesting males as possible.

I am a regular gym goer and i felt some attraction for some shy guy i met at a boxing class i tried last year.

I dreamed of him meeting both at gym and having a nice talk.

Well, before this all  we just keeping it all  to a  "hi" ..never talked after that boxing class. 

The day i dream of him i met him al the weight room. I thought it was some king of "signal" fir me to approach.id took the initiative to start a conversation around martial arts and this cover thing and all. Random conversation but felt quite nice after all and i'd hace take it longer (i think he too)

He left my gym and did not meet him again after that

I came across his IG and added him. We chat around intelectual stuff. He is so into politics, history, martial arts philosophy..and i can guess he's a bit loner too. Never turn the conversations into anything sexual or flirty or anything.

I am the one who initiates most conversations. He is so polite and always responds and last time he added "we talk whenever u want to" after excusing himself for logging out. 

What should i do? it's true that i am single for a loooong time and never deny the idea of finding someone who matches me but i dunno what to do if i am the one who initiates..

also i guess he is not interested in dating me because otherwise he'd have said something about it

do i follow my"signals" or i let it go and forget about the guy?

 

Thanks!

 

Edited July 5, 2021 by ertopolice

[Applegarden8]

22 minutes ago, ertopolice said:

Hello all..

 

Well, let¡s get this easy to read..:D

Ok. Some months ago and fue to my lack of social circle i decide to cold approach or interact with as many interesting males as possible.

I am a regular gym goer and i felt some attraction for some shy guy i met at a boxing class i tried last year.

I dreamed of him meeting both at gym and having a nice talk.

Well, before this all  we just keeping it all  to a  "hi" ..never talked after that boxing class. 

The day i dream of him i met him al the weight room. I thought it was some king of "signal" fir me to approach.id took the initiative to start a conversation around martial arts and this cover thing and all. Random conversation but felt quite nice after all and i'd hace take it longer (i think he too)

He left my gym and did not meet him again after that

I came across his IG and added him. We chat around intelectual stuff. He is so into politics, history, martial arts philosophy..and i can guess he's a bit loner too. Never turn the conversations into anything sexual or flirty or anything.

I am the one who initiates most conversations. He is so polite and always responds and last time he added "we talk whenever u want to" after excusing himself for logging out. 

What should i do? it's true that i am single for a loooong time and never deny the idea of finding someone who matches me but i dunno what to do if i am the one who initiates..

also i guess he is not interested in dating me because otherwise he'd have said something about it

do i follow my"signals" or i let it go and forget about the guy?

 

Thanks!

 

This is hard. Some guys like him and i do fall into this category may not be so easy going when it comes to hanging out.

He could be polite because of his principles and he probably enjoys an opposite sex chatting with him.

From the perspective of self-dev, if you want to build the life you want and there is something you want to satisfy, go for it, approach, but you may get rejected.

A non-sexual, wholesome method to break the ice is to invite him to a dinner made by you, if you decide to do so.

[Preety_India]

Let him go. Given from the description it seems he did not show much interest beyond a one time conversation.

A guy who is interested will immediately try to act flirty or leave some signal that he wants this thing going.

Anyway there is nothing to lose..you don't have to delete his contact. He can always approach you wherever he wishes. Let him take the opportunity

A word of caution here is -

Men immediately think a girl is too desperate and needy when you show interest in them and it's worse than being a needy guy. Men instantly reject that. Kinda sexist to be honest. But that's how male brain works. They like the chase. If you chase them, they will treat you like bread crumbs. So beware of being stereotyped by men who you approach and don't give that vibe that you are so madly in love with him if he hasn't put any effort in showing serious interest.

That's a huge error.

Instead as a woman you could give choosing signals. Give subtle hints by appearing flirty. You don't try to grab their social contact. Let them grab yours. You simply walk up to a guy and smile and act flirty. Even a little is enough for a man's imagination. Men know from a woman's eyes and how she is looking at him that she is interested. The rest of the job is up to him. And if he doesn't initiate, for example if he is not asking you your social ID/handle or number then most likely he is not interested.

Because if he were, he would look at you as a jackpot he doesn't want to miss.

Conversely, sometimes men need a bit of time to warm up.

Recently I was talking to a guy and it took a week's conversations with him and finally he asked me for my Instagram. I obviously wasn't romantically interested at that point and so I declined.

However the conversation was me being a bit flirty and he thought I wanted him. I only did it to break ice. But even then he was closed off in the beginning.

So the moral of the story is that sometimes or some men can close off initially because they are feeling insecure or not sure how to respond to your interest but as you loosen up and there are more conversations, the guy begins to loosen up as well, and at that point they might want to take it further 

But the best is to keep the flirting minimum because it can easily make you look desperate and actually chase men away rather than attracting them.

Women have to keep it subtle 

 

[Preety_India]

6 minutes ago, Applegarden8 said:

 

A non-sexual, wholesome method to break the ice is to invite him to a dinner made by you, if you decide to do so.

Maybe invite him to coffee. How about that ?

Sorry.oops. I thought this was the original poster.

 

 

 

[Emerald]

My advice is to be more receptive than initiatory. 

A good heuristic is to makes sure he's the one reaching out 80% of the time. 

Men can have a hard time building feelings and tension around women who actively pursue them because they want to feel like they've earned your attention and affection somehow. 

So, counterintuitively, the most attractive thing you can do is to be (sparingly) ambiguously flirty (touching his arm, joking, etc.) when you do interact but to otherwise hang back and wait for him to initiate most of the time. 

Also, know and set your boundaries. This will indicate that you're not easy to get and that he will have to invest effort into you if he wants to earn your affections.

It requires a lot of trust in the process and a detachment from outcome. But this is the essence of staying in your Yin energy, which is what really attracts men.

But when you talk to him, I recommend being playful and lighthearted and perhaps talking about shared interests. But let him do the leg work. You don't want to end up with a guy who feels lukewarm about you. 

[Bando]

If your dealing with a shy guy who isn't a social person he may not be able to pick up certain social cues or indicators of interest you may throw at him. You may have to make the first move to get the ball rolling.

I suggest you ask him to hang out or grab a bite or catch a workout, (if you still go to the gym) and have warm, inviting personality, the rest should fall into place if theres interest. 

[Emerald]

1 hour ago, Bando said:

If your dealing with a shy guy who isn't a social person he may not be able to pick up certain social cues or indicators of interest you may throw at him. You may have to make the first move to get the ball rolling.

I suggest you ask him to hang out or grab a bite or catch a workout, (if you still go to the gym) and have warm, inviting personality, the rest should fall into place if theres interest. 

I get where you’re coming from but that’s actually really not such great advice if her goal is to have the guy value her and have a deeper attraction to her. 

Men often feel like they want a woman who’s straight forward who comes easily to them. But men don’t really respond to that as well as they think they will in fantasy. 

There usually has to be some level of chase for the feelings to build up. 

[Windappreciator]

Just tell him subtly you want more with him.

[hyruga]

From what you said, the guy is probably not so interested in you or he has a girlfriend and wants to stay loyal.

Right now, you have two main options.

1. Escalate it and shows that you like him. It's all or nothing. You risk losing the friendship as well.

2. Ignore and don't bother seeing him again.

[ertopolice]

@Preety_India Thank you for such great advice!

Yes, I dunno want to show desperate or needy so that's why during all our conversations (via IG..) it was all about shared interests or random funny stuff. The thing i am concerned about is that all there chasing (initiate that face to face interaction, adding to IG..and most conversations were initiated by me). He is so polite with me and is always open to chat again (as i've posted, on sunday he excused himself and left the door open to chat again) OK CHAT...never showed a hint of bringing the chat to a coffee or a walk.

I'd definitely invite him for a coffee BUT perhaps is too much...I think he has some signals to lead it now. 

Or perhaps i am too non flirty-intellectual via IG so he by no way suspects of my interest towards him. 

By what he commented i suspect he is into casual relationships. He claimed something like "with all this COVID issue we'll all end up asking for tests to anyone we'd like go to bed with.." . Is it a red flag?

 

@Emerald Thanks!

Totally agree Emerald...the thing is that via internet is not possible to play my "cards" as a female..and no way if he does not propose a "coffee" date or something

 

@Bando True...that's why after having dreamt about that interaction with him.. i kinda CREATED IT and initiated that conversation at the gym..

Now i feel perhaps it's way too much all my interaction

@hyruga Funny thing of this all is that after reading his profile on ig he may be into "straight edge" movement. Dunno if u heard of it. 

I am kinda confused about this guy

so perhaps that's why all my attraction!!!

 

 

 

 

[SamC]

7 hours ago, Emerald said:

I get where you’re coming from but that’s actually really not such great advice if her goal is to have the guy value her and have a deeper attraction to her. 

Men often feel like they want a woman who’s straight forward who comes easily to them. But men don’t really respond to that as well as they think they will in fantasy. 

There usually has to be some level of chase for the feelings to build up. 

Do you mind sharing why that is. Super intriguing to hear.

My first thought was no that's BS but I think you're right and wanna learn more.

@Emerald